BONUS: Questions and Answers about Friendship

Dannah Gresh: Kelly Needham persisted in building a friendship with an elderly neighbor. It meant she needed to be curious and ask lots of questions.

Kelly Needham: “Tell me what your life is like. What kind of appointments are you going to?” 

I learned about who was providing care for her dentures, and I learned about her different prescriptions. She didn’t have a car, and we drove places together, and I learned that she loved to be in the grocery store for far longer than me. (laughter) But I learned that that was because when I was home, little people were running around my house; when she was home she was totally alone and lonely.

Dannah: This is a bonus episode of the Revive Our Hearts podcast for February 7, 2023. I’m Dannah Gresh.

Over the past couple of episodes, we’ve been enjoying a message by Kelly Needham. Kelly authored a book on friendships and cultivating real relationships. Her book is called Friend-ish. You can find more about it linked in the transcript of this podcast episode at ReviveOurHearts.com or on the Revive Our Hearts app.

The message we heard was one she gave at True Woman '22 last fall. It’s on “The Dangers and Delights of Pursuing Authentic Friendships.” 

While Kelly was speaking, women attending her workshop texted questions to Kelly, and she then spent some time reading and answering those questions that had been submitted. Let’s listen now.

Kelly:

Q: “When should you let go of a friendship and stop investing in the person when they’re not reciprocating?”

I’m so glad this is the first question, because I get it a lot. I find that we are all far too quick to end a friendship without conflict. There are legitimate problems in friendship; legitimate ways, maybe, people are hurting us are are not reciprocating. Our first solution is to back out—to either do the slow fade, if you know what I’m talking about. It gets hard and you just slowly kind of do this. You don’t make as many phone calls; you avoid them in the lobby; you can let it slowly fade. Or you can have a moment where you just make a decision and cut them off.

I think there is an appropriate time for healthy boundaries. I have a whole appendix in the book about when to know it’s time to end a friendship. I think there are legitimate times for that, but I think they’re far fewer than we think. We are in the culture of “toxic friendship” language, and “break it off.”

What I see scripturally is, when there are problems in a friendship, we’re actually called to lean into them and speak the truth in love. We’re really bad at that as women. We don’t speak with a lot of clarity. We beat around the bush. What has been most helpful in my friendship is a courageous willingness to name the elephant in the room and speak up about it with really clear, concrete details that feel highly uncomfortable for us. 

So, for me that has looked this way: I had a friend who was very hurtful to me—legitimately, and she would say that too if she were standing here. We’ve talked about writing our story together. It was very hurtful, very harmful; some really bad things went on. 

My default was to be a fake friend, not a real friend. Because our husband’s lives were intertwined, I couldn’t just cut it off. So I just kind of put on a facade to make it work. Over time, that started to fall apart. So I had a moment where, instead of cutting out my friend, I had to sit down with her and have a similar conversation others had with me. I said, “Hey, I don’t feel safe with you, and here’s why. When this happened,” and I had to list some specifics. Then I said, “Those things have made me feel unsafe in our friendship, and I don’t feel a willingness in my heart to be vulnerable with you. I would love to see that change.” 

I had to give her specific, clear examples of what was happening and how I was experiencing it. That was really hard for her to hear, and it was several conversations of that.

We labored long in our friendship. There was so much water under the bridge in that friendship that we ended up doing four sessions of counseling together. That feels maybe crazy to do in a friendship, but I don’t think so. Jesus says in John 17 that the mark of His coming will be our unity. “This is how they will know that I have come.” I think us fighting for unity with one another, especially for other believers, is of the utmost importance. Before we just cut somebody out, we should be willing to go to them and say things like, “I’m trying to be a friend to you, but I have needs in my life, and I feel like those aren’t getting reciprocated.” Talk about it.

If your friend has blind spots like I did, bring them up with kindness and courage. Talk about it—not over text, in person if possible. Fight as hard as you can and as long as you can for unity and reconciliation before you cut the cord on that—partly because it glorifies God. Our unity is meant to be a manifestation that something’s different in our communities than the world’s. We’re not a disjointed, fractured community; we’re actually unified. That should be a statement of the gospel. 

So, there is a time for that, but I think it’s very rare. I think more often it’s a time to enter into some really healthy speaking-the-truth-in-love conflict that we like to avoid. We will honor Christ I think more by doing that.

Q: “What do I do if it seems like you mostly attract people who take from you or need things from you?”

This is also a very normal question. “What about the needy friend in my life who just has a high demand on me? How do I handle that?”

The same way that you handle your own neediness! We all have neediness, and what did we just talk about? We have to take those needs to Christ. When a friend comes to you with their neediness and you can just feel it—whether it’s very overt or subtle, it’s passive-aggressive, whatever it is—address it. 

“Hey, I can tell you’re coming to me for things that I can’t give you. I am not Jesus; I’m not the fountain of living waters. I can’t be the things for you you want me to be. What you want from me is only going to be found in Him.” Point them to the source. Don’t stiff-arm them, don’t cut them off. You don’t know what’s driving those needs in them. Point them to the real source, and offer to show them what that looks like. “Hey, if you don’t know what it looks like to do that, let’s talk together about how we go to Jesus.” 

Take other people’s needs and point them to the cross as you take your own needs and point them to the cross. We’re meant to do that with one another, to keep arm-in-arm, going back to the fountain of living waters, because we have the problem that Jeremiah’s generation had. We walk away from Him all the time to go to cisterns that are broken. As that’s happening, we keep pulling one another back, keep pulling one another back.

Q: “How do we pursue intentional and deep friendships in a busy culture?”

I think that you first have to be committed to the belief that friendship matters, and you need it. I don’t have my kids in as many activities as they could be in because I believe I need deep and meaningful friendships. That’s a cost, right? The culture would have me be busy all the time, but I need space in my life to take that phone call from that friend whose life fell apart. I need space to go over to someone’s house and bring them a meal and have a conversation. But that space is only going to happen by way of saying "no" to some things.

It takes a lot of intentionality to build those friendships and to be available for them, so I think that starts with looking at your life. Why are you so busy? List out your week. What is taking space in my week, and what’s necessary? I’m told to love God and love others; those are my first two basic commands. If I don’t have time for either, something’s wrong.

I have to have time to build friendship with God, and then I have to have time to build relationships with others. So we have to be serious about that. Cut some things out, and then start being that friend to other people—not demanding they be it to us, but we start there. 

Invite somebody over. Invite a group of women that you don’t know. Go, “Hey, I’m just trying to build better friendships in my life. What are you doing this weekend? I thought we’d all just bring a potluck meal and talk. Bring your kids; let them play in the backyard.” If people say no, don’t take it personally, and invite more. 

It takes time and space and energy to do that, and it’s going to cost you something. You will not be keeping up the Joneses of the world, and that’s okay. This is going to sustain you through a life of following Jesus, and that’s worth it to me. My soul is on the line, I think. I need these relationships to keep me walking with Him.

Q: “What do you do when you gently talk about tension, sin, and blind spots in a friend’s life and they don’t respond well?”

I think there’s a way to talk about it poorly; that could be addressed. I have a whole process in my book of how to do this well. Sometimes that’s why people don’t respond well. We don’t say anything to them, and then we lob something big on them and then leave because we’re uncomfortable. I wouldn't take that well, and you wouldn’t either. 

So the first question I would ask is, “How have I presented this, and I have been kind and patient?” We’re called to speak truth in love. Think about what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13 about love. Love is patient, kind, doesn’t hold a record of wrongs. So as we bring these things to people, we have a willingness to longsuffer with them.

I’ll sometimes end those conversations saying things like this: “Hey, I’m sure this was really overwhelming to hear. If you need a day or two to think about it, maybe do some processing on your own, can we talk again in a couple days? Maybe you have questions; maybe you have issues with me. I’d love to hear them.” 

Be graceful in that way to give them time to process what you just said, because it’s overwhelming when someone points out a blind spot in you. Defenses go up in all of us. That’s normal. Give them grace to process, come back, and if they don’t want to, you can’t control that. 

That’s why Paul says, “As far as it is among your power, be at peace with all men.” You don’t have control over somebody else, but your job is to fight for that yourself and have an open posture toward people, to say, “As soon as you want to revisit this, I’m here.” Jesus alone will stabilize us to make those kinds of decisions and do those things.

Q: “Thoughts on building intergenerational friendships . . .” 

Please build intergenerational friendships, and also know that will be really hard, because you have less in common naturally. That’s why we all gravitate to one another. That’s why it’s like, “Who’s in my season of life?” We already have built-in connection points. Building intergenerational friendships requires something else to build the friendship on, but in Christ we have the strong gravitational center of Him. But it does mean we’ll have to be a lot more curious about what that other person is going through to learn how to build a friendship with them. That would be my biggest tip for that, if you want to do that well. Be curious.

For example, I had a lady who lived next to me for a few years who was in her eighties and was needing a lot of government assistance in a lot of ways—totally different life than mine. We built a friendship, but it required me being curious. “Tell me what your life is like. What kind of appointments are you going to?” 

I learned about who was providing care for her dentures, and I learned about her different prescriptions. She didn’t have a car, and we drove places together, and I learned that she loved to be in the grocery store for far longer than me. (laughter) But I learned that that was because when I was home, little people were running around my house; when she was home she was totally alone and lonely.

I would ask her questions. “Ma’am, why do you love going up and down every aisle?” She said, “I just love seeing the people, and I love being around people.” So curiosity gave me an understanding of her life situation, which was very different from mine. We could start to build a friendship. 

But you have to be curious about the other person. That goes both ways. That’s going to aid us in building those relationships, and it’s actually going to sweeten our life, because people in your own life season give you a lot of reasons and excuses for stuff. Other moms, for me, are like, “Yes, it’s hard,” but sometimes a single person in my life can call things out that a married person can’t, because they see it more clearly. We need each other, but it does take more work, and we should be willing to do that.

See how deep this whole thing is? There are so many questions that I’m not going to be able to get to. 

Q: “It’s easy to have a possessive relationship with some of our friends. What can we put in place to avoid thinking that our friends belong to us?”

It’s very, very easy. I think that it’s easy because it’s modeled culturally for us. That’s one thing to remember. This is what you’ve been trained to think about friendship, if you are just getting your input from movies and sitcoms and things like that. That’s what’s been modeled to you, so don’t give yourself too hard of a time if that’s your way of thinking. You’ve kind of been brainwashed with that.

But bring that way of thinking to Jesus, first of all, and talk honestly with Him about it. That’s what my prayers have sounded like as a friend has made a new friend and I feel that clingy thing in me. I’m like, “No! Jesus, I don’t want that friendship to change! I finally made a friend and I moved just two years ago.” I’m honest with Him about those things. 

That’s part of the way we go back to the fountain of living waters, is we take all that mess in our hearts and we don’t try to figure it out ourselves, we just take it to Him in its mess. “God, all I want to do is just cling to this. Will You help me? You say You’re the fountain of living waters. You say that my needs can be met in You, but it doesn’t feel like it, because You can’t talk back to me on the phone like this friend can.” That’s how my prayers sound. I’m just talking to Him about that.

As I do, that’s what frees me to let go of my friend, talking to God. You can’t just let go and have no other stabilizing source.

Jesus talked about that in the New Testament. You can’t clear out the one demon and make the house clean; seven more will come in if it’s not filled. So we can’t just hold our friends with open hands without clinging to something else. What we’re called to do is cling to Christ. That primarily for me has looked like talking very clearly and honestly with God about everything in my heart, and being willing to spend time on my knees talking to Him about it. As I do that, it’s freed me to let my friends go.

I’ve had to ask help from Him. “Lord, please help me! Would You help me hold my friend with open hands and care about her more than I care about myself? I can’t do that if You don’t give me the strength to do that, but I want to honor You and I want to walk this out. So will You help me with that?”

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God, this is a complex topic with so many other things we could chase. But for each woman in this room who maybe has issues coming to mind, relationships and friendships coming to mind that are unhealthy, ways that transformation is needed, would you show each person what next steps look like? Just next steps for these next few days or next week. 

Give them the daily bread they need to walk this out. Jesus, You can do that for them. Would You be the Good Shepherd and guide each woman in the room? Help us to build deep and meaningful friendships that look different from the world and shine the light on Your true coming and Your glory. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Dannah: Amen. Kelly Needham has been praying that the Lord would give us all the grace we need to cultivate God-glorifying friendships with those around us. 

Again, her book is titled Friend-ish: Reclaiming Real Friendship in a Culture of Confusion. There’s more information about it and her personal website, linked in the transcript of this podcast episode.

Don’t forget that here in the month of February, we’re making available to you a new booklet by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, Beauty in the Broken: How Humility Changes Everything. We’ll send you a copy as a thank-you for your donation of any size to support the outreaches of Revive Our Hearts. To make a donation, visit ReviveOurHearts.com, or call us at 1-800-569-5959. Ask about the booklet on humility by Nancy. 

Thanks for listening to this bonus podcast episode of Revive Our Hearts! If you’re listening in chronological order, next up is part one of a classic message from Nancy. She’ll remind us of the supreme importance of crying out to God from a heart . . . of brokenness.

Please be back for Revive Our Hearts.