Why Not Pursue Him? (Part 1)

Call me crazy, but I do not believe in pursuing guys. Does it sound like I’ve lost touch with reality? Trust me, this has—and continues to—require a huge amount of faith on my part. It’s not natural to me. But, after a whole lot of heartache doing things my way, I have slowly—very slowly—begun to give God control of my love life. And today and tomorrow, I want to tell you why. Are you ready for this?? 

1. It’s not the way. Just as God wired us women to want to be pursued, God wired men to want to pursue!

Isn’t that great? God’s way is beautiful. Take figure skating as an example:

“[The man] leads [the woman] onto the ice and initiates each part of their routine. She receives that leadership and trusts in his strength. His raw, physical strength is more on display than hers; he does all the lifting, twirling, and catching. She complements his strength with her own—a more diminutive and more attractive strength of beauty, grace, speed, and balance. His focus as the head, or leader, is to magnifying her skills. Her focus is on following his lead and signaling her readiness to receive his next move. He takes responsibility for the two of them, and she trusts his leadership and delights in it” (John Ensor, Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart).

I may not know you personally, single woman, but still, I know you. Deep down, you don’t want to romance a man. You want a man to romance you! You want to be swept off your feet. So, do it! Sit back, relax, and wait to be pursued, wooed, and won!

2. I’m not actually waiting on a man to pursue me, I’m waiting on God.

Whenever you’re feeling frustrated over how long it is taking a guy to notice and pursue you, remember that God is in control of timing, of this guy’s heart, of everything:

Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.” (Notice that because of God’s favor, the man finds the woman, and not the other way around.)

Similarly, Proverbs 19:14 tells us “House and wealth are inherited from fathers, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.”

“The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it wherever he will” (Prov. 21:1).

If the Lord can move the heart of the most powerful man in the land, he can turn any man’s heart!

3. I want a man to prove through his pursuit that he is a godly man who will lead and love me well after marriage.

Let’s just imagine that you do capture that special guy’s attention. You begin dating, and then he pops the question. Before long, you’re a wife! Now what?

Well, Ephesians 5:22-33 says that as a wife, you are to submit to your husband as to the Lord. The question is, have you modeled and practiced a different pattern in the months or years leading up to your marriage? Did this man lead and pursue you, or did you pursue him? Don’t wait until marriage to hand over the reins of leadership. It won’t work well. Start now, and wait for him to step it up and pursue (or not).   

4. I am already loved completely and unconditionally by the greatest Man who ever lived! 

What does this have to do with whether I pursue a guy? Everything! I no longer have to search for love or seek to find my worth in a man’s desire for me. In fact, God tells me to guard my heart above all else, because everything I do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23). His love is enough for me. 

“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness” (Jeremiah 31:3). 

“How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you” (Psalm 139:17-18).

“God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:8-10).

5. I don’t know what is best for me, but God does!

How many times have you set your sights on a man, only to realize later that he is totally wrong for you? I’m afraid I’ve done that more times than I care to count! That’s because:

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9).

“Desire without knowledge is not good, and whoever makes haste with his feet misses his way” (Proverbs 19:2).

God, on the other hand, knows the hearts of all men (1 Kings 8:39b)! You can trust Him to lead and protect you, even when you don’t realize you need protecting. 

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Whew! This is getting long, and I’m just getting started! Check back tomorrow for the final four reasons I won’t pursue a man—and don’t recommend you do, either. 

In the meantime, does this sound totally c-RAZ-y? Why or why not? Have you—like me—been the initiator and pursuer with guys? How has it worked for you?

Did you discover God’s Truth today?

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About the Author

Paula Marsteller

Paula Marsteller

Paula has served with Revive Our Hearts for thirteen years. She is the author of Confessions of a Boy-Crazy Girl: On Her Journey from Neediness to Freedom. There's nothing she loves to share more than the gospel-centered truths that have so transformed her own life: what it means on a daily basis to be "dead to sin, alive to God, and in Christ Jesus." Paula, Trevor, and their son, Iren, make their home in New York.