Elizabeth - Bonus: Helping Your Children Deal with Disappointments

Alejandra Slemin: I think some children are a little more dramatic and play with things a little bit harder than others—it could be boys or girls.

One thing I try to practice is walking with them. My first temptation is to say, “Let’s do it. Let’s get this over with. Let’s get it done and move on.” But really listening to them as they express what it is that is hurting them.

I have to do that often with my son. “What’s in your heart? What’s bothering you about this situation?” Amazingly, they will say it. They will speak. But sometimes we don’t have the time to listen, or there is another child pulling on us.

But even if it is at bedtime or whatever quiet moment you can have with them. Just let them get it out and say, “This is how I’m feeling in this situation.” So listening to them.

Even though I don’t understand it or know that it will get solved, I need to let them know that I am with them, and mostly that God with them.

Later, it’s happened with my son, he’s said, “Thanks, Mom.” Later, hours later, days later . . .

Erin Davis: After the tears have dried.

Alejandra: Yes. After they have hurt themselves and they think, What was I fussing about? They will come and reflect.

And I think praying . . . Sometimes as moms, we skip the going on our knees step.

Erin: I have to remind myself that prayer is my primary job as a momma. It’s my primary job. It feels like my primary job is to make sure everybody is fed and bathed, and where they need to be. That’s secondary to praying like crazy for my children.

Alejandra: And for me, the process . . . Sometimes I’m filled with: I want to change this about my daughter. But for me I need to have the grace to walk through them.

Now they are little. We have a little bit of a more manageable situation. But there is a stage where they will answer back. And problems grow a little bigger and extend a little further—into your school or community or church.

You can even feel ashamed of the decisions your son or your daughter has made.

Erin: And the consequences they have to walk through.

Alejandra: The point is, they have to walk through it, and you have to walk through it too. Some choices they make you have to bail them out, and you’re like, “What!??”

Praying for God to guide us. We can always pray.

And the love. “You might feel disappointed, but I am not disappointed in you, because I know that God has a plan for you that goes beyond my expectations for you.”

I think as moms, we have to repeat that to ourselves over and over. God’s plan for my children are better than what I could ever plan. He formed them in my womb. So His plans are beyond what I could think of.

And we should always remind them of that as they grow. I believe not necessarily in you . . . Because I don’t believe in me. But I believe in what God can do through you and in you and for you.

Pray that over them. Let them know . . . not as their Holy Spirit, but as “I’m here.”

And, you know, a good meal always helps.

Erin: And if they watch us . . . This is the hard thing about parenting. But if they watch us go through disappointment kicking and screaming, they are going to go through disappointment kicking and screaming.

Three of my four boys has serious kidney issues. The can watch me go to the kidney doctor and weep and wail, or they can watch me go to the kidney doctor and go, “This wasn’t the time that the Lord healed us, but I’m still praying.”

They don’t get to play football because their kidneys are bad, or whatever . . . We can talk about that in terms of, “I’m disappointed too. I have four boys. I thought I was going to be a football mom, and the only one who doesn’t have bad kidneys has bad eyesight and can’t play football. And I’m disappointed too.”

So I think they have to watch us navigate disappointment with grace. That’s a hard thing about parenting.

Asheritah Ciuciu: I think we should speak blessing over them. We see this in the Old Testament where parents would bless their children. They would bless them with names. I have a bit of a unique name. Asheritah means God gives me happiness, or God is my happiness. That was my parent’s blessing over my life.

This became so real for me this past summer. I have a little guy who is five months old. When he was four days old he got a fever, and for a newborn, that’s life threatening.

We went to the ER, and they did a spinal tap and all the tests. They didn’t know what was wrong. There is such a feeling of helplessness in that ER room where you have doctors and nurses over your little one, and they are poking him with needles, and he is crying. My heart breaks. I want to be there for him. I want to fix it for him . . . and I can’t.

We had named our little one Theo Emanuel. Theo . . . beloved by God. Emanuel . . . God is with us. Together meaning: man of God’s presence. That was our prayer for him, that he would be a man of God’s loving presence.

In that hospital room . . . We ended up staying a week, not knowing what was wrong. It ended up being meningitis. Even when we got the diagnosis, we didn’t know if he would heal from this. Are there going to be side effects? Will they be long-term life issues that we have to deal with?

The Lord brought me back to Psalm 23: “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for you are with me.” To speak that over Theo, even though he couldn’t understand me, I believe we were sowing the seed of God’s Word in our little one.

We’re saying, “This is what is true of you. You are a man of God’s presence. And right here He is present with us in this hospital room.”

I do that with my daughters. I’ve told my oldest, Charisa, “You are a woman of God’s grace. That is who you are.” I’ve told Amelia, “You are a woman of God’s strength. That is who you are.”

I think that reminding them of their identity in Christ Jesus, speaking blessing over them, so that when they deal with disappointment, they go to that. They know that it is true.

Erin: And you say it over and over and over.

I think of my buddies that are here with us. They could finish these sayings, because we say them to them over and over. We say, “This came to pass; it didn’t come to stay.” When something’s hard we say, “Is this going to be the time God lets us down?”

They say, “No, Momma.”

“Is this going to be the time God lets us down?

“No, Momma.”

So we are saying those things over and over and over and over. Whether it’s not making the basketball team or something more crushing. “Is this going to be the time that God lets us down?”

Or, “This is not who you are.” We say, “Who you are is this . . .”

Think to the momma listening to this. She’s staring and staring, and there’s no fruit on the vine. But I think the consistency of us facing disappointment with grace, us speaking God’s Truth to them, us praying for them faithfully, and us reminding them that God is with them in every disappointment will bear fruit.

Alejandra: Not growing weary of doing good.

Erin: I think that verse is about parenthood.

Alejandra: It is. It’s every moment. It’s little moments. It doesn’t have to be the huge things. But not growing weary of doing good because in due season we shall reap.

We might not see it. We might see it. But there is a promise that that seed that’s been planted of good in their lives will bring about good fruit.