Supporting Your Suffering Friend, with Jani Ortlund

Dannah Gresh: When a loved one is suffering, how do you help them? What if you aren’t sure what to say or do? Jani Ortlund says . . .

Jani Ortlund: You don't have to have the right Bible verse to answer the right question. You don't have to be anybody else but who God made you to be at that moment. Just make that space for that person to be able to come in and just be him or herself.

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, author of A Deeper Kind of Kindness, for August 29, 2025. I’m Dannah Gresh.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: So be honest, when a friend is suffering, are you ever tempted to run the other direction? You love your friend. You wish you could help them. But maybe you’re worried you won’t have the right words to say, or you’re scared of their questions. Maybe you think, What if I don’t know the right answer for that? I know I’ve had those kinds of thoughts myself.

If this sounds like you, then I’m excited for you to listen to today’s episode of Revive Our Hearts. My dear friend Jani Ortlund has lots of experience supporting suffering people. She joined us for one of our Biblical Help for Real Life online events to talk about this topic with Erin Davis, and Jani invited women not to run away from suffering loved ones, but to lean in with truth and hope. Here’s Erin to introduce her now.

Erin Davis: Jani Ortlund is a beloved teacher and writer. I know her as a woman of profound grace! She's a pastor's wife, a mom to four, a grandma, and a friend. And, I have something special I want to talk to her about. So thanks for being with us here tonight, Jani.

Jani: Thank you for having me, Erin.

Erin: Jani, I’m confident you’ve faced your own suffering, but tonight I really want to hear your wisdom about how to walk through suffering with those you love. So, as you think about your family and many years of ministry, what are the unique challenges that come when the primary sufferer is not you, but it’s somebody that you love so deeply?

Jani: Oh, I think there are so many challenges there, Erin. When a loved one is suffering, you face a very different kind of suffering in that you want to take some of the suffering on yourself. You want to ask the Lord, “Help me help my loved one!”

So you are facing a kind of suffering. I have found that when your loved one is suffering, you suffer right along with them, but it’s a different kind of suffering because you want to be strong for your loved one who is suffering. You want to know how best to care for them: “What do they need, Lord? How can I help them?” For me, suffering is the experience that has most shaped my theology. 

So in a way, I am grateful that I can enter into suffering with a loved one, because what it does is it raises questions in my own heart and mind about what I truly believe. “Who is God? How does He act? What does He want from me? How am I going to make it through this?!” "My heart is breaking for my loved one! But I need to be the strong one.” Those kinds of questions go through the mind of someone who is suffering alongside a loved one who is suffering.

Erin: Yes, you’re so right. We’re careful not to make it about us, because it’s not about us, but the burden bearing has its own challenges. So, I’d love to just hear your wisdom. What have been some lessons you’ve learned about how to point somebody to Jesus in the midst of their suffering? Because, I think sometimes we get it wrong. We don’t mean to, but unintentionally we could do things that are unhelpful, or we don’t keep the focus on Jesus. So what are some things you’ve learned along the way?

Jani: That’s such a good question, Erin. I really have done it wrong so often. The good thing about being older is that I can learn from more mistakes than in my younger years . . . and I have made many! 

But two things stand out as being helpful to me: truth and hope. Truth helps me respond to a loved one who is suffering, and the only way I can find out truth is by spending time in the Word. As I’ve walked with family members who have been suffering, friends who have been suffering, church members who've been suffering, I go to the Word, and I look for two things.

I look for a promise from God that I can cling to, those treasures in the darkness. I think of one promise that has helped me in times like this. It’s in Exodus 14:14: 

The Lord will fight for you; you have only to be still. (NIV)

Lord, You’ve got to fight for me in this battle! I want to love my friend or family member well. Fight for me in this! Help me! I’ll be still before You.

Or, I love that verse in Deuteronomy 23:5 where it says: 

The Lord your God turned the curse into a blessing for you, because the Lord your God loved you.

And sometimes I’ve just hung onto that. “Lord, this trial my loved one is going through is a curse, but I’m going to hang onto it as we go through it together, and I’m going to hang onto You, and I’m going to watch You turn this curse into a blessing!”

So I would encourage our listeners who are walking with someone who’s suffering to go to the Word and ask the Lord for a promise that they can cling to. 

The second truth that I like to go to, that helps me, is a pathway of obedience that I can follow with the Lord when my heart starts going astray. When bitterness, resentment, anger, those ugly emotions that rear up when you’re in a period of suffering, one of the pathways of obedience that the Lord has helped me in is Psalm 62:1. This has become my life verse. It says, “My soul finds rest in God alone” (paraphrase).

So, Lord, I’m walking down this pathway with my beloved who is suffering deeply, and I’m suffering on his or her behalf. But, by Your grace and for Your glory, I’m not going to find my rest in a solution. I’m not going to find my rest in Your immediate answer to my prayers. I’m going to find my rest in You alone. Help me to do that!” So, truth! I need truth if I’m going to help someone who is suffering.

The second thing is hope. For me, there have been two ways I’ve found hope. One is, through a faith friend. I ask someone to walk with me in this. I have a friend I can text. All I have to do is text her the prayer emoji, and she gets it, and she starts praying.

Or I think of a friend who has been a faith friend through a dark time in my own life, and she knew I wasn’t eating. I just had lost my appetite. She said, “Jani, c’mon, we’re going for a drive!” She would “just happen” to pull into Sonic and order a chocolate milkshake.

Erin: Mmm, good friend!

Jani: And she said, “We’re not leaving until you finish this!” It tasted so good, but I needed her. I needed my faith friend to bring me there and encourage me. I needed hope! She gave me hope that, “Oh, I can eat, and I can enjoy food!”

The other place that I have enjoyed hope, found hope, liberated hope in my own heart is through reading about others. I love biographies, finding a hero of the faith. That hero can give me hope in my own difficulty.

So, I think of Elisabeth Elliot’s biography of Amy Carimichael called A Chance to Die, or I think of Elisabeth Elliot’s biography, Becoming Elisabeth Elliot. Those are very helpful to me. It gives me hope when I see what they have gone through and how God met them; He always met them!

So, hope through a faith friend, through a book, a hymn, a biography . . .those things. Erin, how do you find hope?

Erin: Well, I can’t say it better than you, but I would just affirm everything you said. Early in my mom’s journey [of health decline], I texted a group of friends and said, “When I cannot believe the Word for myself, I want you to open my mouth and force feed it to me.”

I’m a writer, and so I have a flair for the dramatic—you don't have to say it quite like that. But I’m so glad that I did, because many, many times I have said, “This feels hopeless. I don’t know the way forward.” But I do have those friends who can open my mouth and force feed—like a baby bird—the hope of Jesus to me.

And even the biographies you mentioned are just an extension of that. Those are our sisters in Christ that have gone on to heaven before us. By their example they are ambassadors of hope, so I would so affirm what you said!

Well, my experience with you, Jani, is limited. I wish I was your neighbor; that would be so fun!

Jani: Oh, I would love it! Tell me when the house next door to you goes up for sale. (laughter)

Erin: Okay, I’ll let you know. But my assessment of you is that you create soft places for hurting hearts to land. How can we create soft spaces? (It doesn’t have to be our living room.) But how can we create soft spaces where the weak and the suffering can come and be strengthened?

Jani: Rest in the arms of Jesus, His welcome, His hospitable heart that opens up to us. There’s nothing better than open arms and a place to sit—with no shame—where you can just be yourself! You don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to have the right Bible verse to answer the right question. 

You don’t have to be anybody else but who God made you to be at that moment. Just make that space for that person to be able to come in and just be him or herself.

Erin: Yes, every sufferer would affirm that a space where somebody is present and looks them in the eye, it can be the strength for that day that they need. That’s what you’re describing. 

Well, when your husband is suffering, or your child or your grandchildren, I think there can be a little bit of a tightrope to walk. How do you find the balance between helping and surrendering? Because sometimes I can default to wanting to control the situation and not live surrendered. So what is that balance between helping the sufferer and living surrendered to the Lord’s plan for their life?

Jani: That’s really a great question, Erin. I think the only way we can do it is through prayer: “Lord, balance me in this. You know my desire to control; You know my desire to speak my mind and say what I think would work better than what’s going on right now. Teach me!”

There’s a verse I cling to, Psalm 141:3: 

Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. (NIV) 

I need to keep going to the Lord, Erin, and just asking Him, “Be present in my words, in my mind, in my heart. Help me to be You, Holy Spirit, to this person . . . not Jani. Don’t let Jani get in the way.” That’s the only way I could balance it out, otherwise we’re way over on the Jani side on this scale!

Erin: Yeah, same in my life. I was going to ask you specific ways to pray for the sufferer, but you’ve started us off on a great list. Do you think about a sufferer you love in your life right now? What are some ways you’re praying for them specifically?

Jani: Well, first of all, I am walking with someone who is suffering right now, a loved one, and I asked the Holy Spirit to teach me how to pray. “Lord, I don’t know how to pray in this situation. Teach me, please!” So we can always go there and just sit in the presence of the Holy Spirit.

And then I ask Him for verses that I can pray over this sufferer. Oftentimes, Erin, verses will come to mind, generally from the Psalms. This person needs strength. “Lord, You’ve promised Psalm 27. You’ve promised You’ll be this person’s strength.”

This person needs vindication. “Lord, You’ve promised to be this person’s vindication. Lord, this person needs hope. You’re the God of all hope! Fill him with all hope and peace in believing.” So, I would encourage anyone who’s praying for a loved one who is suffering, to ask the Holy Spirit for help, and then go to the Word and pray Scripture over that sufferer.

Erin: Yes, I love that. I’m sure you’ve had this experience, Jani. I’ve had many times where someone will text me or call me and say, “I don’t know, you’ve just been on my heart all day, and so I’m praying!” but they don’t really know what they’re praying for. 

And I’m like, “Oh, my goodness! If you only knew what was going on! The Spirit of God is rallying the saints on my behalf.” He does that for the sufferers. There’s such tremendous hope in that, don’t you think?

Jani: Indeed! That’s the kind of God we get to serve, Erin!

Erin: Yeah, so beautiful.

Nancy: That’s Erin Davis with Jani Ortlund. If you’re walking with a suffering loved one today, I hope this conversation has been refreshing to your heart. You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to show up with compassion. That’s where God meets you with truth and hope from His Word. 

Jani also led a breakout session at our True Woman ’22 conference in Indianapolis. The topic was “Empathizing with Your Pastor’s Wife.” Ministry families carry so many burdens—some are visible, but many are invisible. 

They’re navigating particular challenges and sorrows, and they often feel alone. As a pastor’s wife herself, Jani spoke directly to the struggling pastors’ wives in front of her, offering encouragement as someone who understands. 

She’s modeling what it looks like to support suffering friends—making room for them, clinging to truth and hope, and then offering comfort with the help of the Holy Spirit, who is our Comforter.

I want you to hear part of what Jani shared in that breakout session. As you listen, ask God to give you a greater sense of appreciation for the stresses that your pastor’s wife—or the wives of the pastors in your church—may be experiencing. Listen, you don’t have to be a pastor’s wife to come alongside these women with understanding and true compassion. Here’s Jani.

Jani: I’m sure you can identify with this lady who called me a while back. Although her voice was new to me, her story was not. “I need help,” her voice quivered, then she caught her breath and went on.

I love my husband. I love my children. I am totally committed to the Lord Jesus Christ. But how do I weed out the roots of bitterness and resentment that are beginning to grow in my ugly heart? How do I fight for hope in the midst of the darkness closing in around me? It seems that someone is always unhappy!

My dear husband has his Master’s degree, and yet our finances are a huge stressor, putting a strain on our marriage. And the day that should be the most joyful of the whole week has become the hardest!

I’m wondering, Jani, is this sustainable over the long haul? Will I make it? What I really want to know is, tell me, is it worth it?

Now, if you have asked any of those questions, I want you to know you are not alone. And I want you to leave today encouraged, refreshed, and believing—along with me—that, “Yes! It is worth it!”

First of all, let me say this: you will be rewarded! It may not be in the way you’re hoping for right now, with a housekeeper every other week or a big raise or an obedient child (laughter), but you will be rewarded. We’re going to look at some verses about that.

But let me say this: there are no surprises in your ministry, no surprises to God. He has a plan, and He’s working it. You are a part of that plan as much as your husband is. Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared [you know the word] beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Eph. 2:10).

God is not surprised by what you’re going through—even that painful experience. When you look to Christ and trust Him, that very pain can be one of the good works that God prepared beforehand for you to walk in. You see, it proves to you and to your family that your faith is not mere words. It is reality being worked out through your heart and your mind and your mouth.

Not only are there no surprises to God, there are no shortages. Philippians 4:19 (you know this): “And my God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory.” And, He’s pretty wealthy! Every need—physical, emotional, spiritual, financial. 

God doesn’t promise how or when He will, but the verb in this verse is still “will.” God will, not God “can.” He’s not asking you just to trust Him for some theoretical, theological truth. He is asking you to trust Him for what He will do . . . we just don’t know when.

It’s not that God is only able, He is willing. Don’t give up! Wait on the Lord. I can tell you that not one of His promises has ever failed the Ortlund family through the ages—despite difficulties, hardships, a lost baby, financial doo-doo, all sorts of trouble. 

Not only are there no surprises and no shortages, but there are sweet rewards. Colossians 3:23–24:

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.

As a pastor’s wife, I’ve found the next verse in that chapter helpful to me. Colossians 3:25 says this: 

For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality.

There are sweet rewards for you as work heartily for the Lord.

Let’s take God at His Word. He will keep you all the way to the end. As 1 Thessalonians 5:23–24 says, “May your whole spirit and soul and body . . .” Don’t you like that? All of you! Paul is saying may all of you—your whole spirit and soul and body “be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. [Now listen to this:] He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.”

If He called you, He will do it. You’re not alone. Now, I want to encourage you to take a new step forward. It will be worth it. How can you go home more ready to serve the Lord Jesus, more ready to love your husband well? More ready to care for your children and to serve your church?

Well, here’s the first one you might think about: Admit to yourself that ministry is a crisis vocation! (laughter) Some of you are crying, some of you are laughing—that’s how mixed up we are! But it’s true, isn’t it? We’re laughing because it’s true! It is a crisis vocation.

Think through what drains you, what sucks the life out of you. As best you can, choose which situations you will allow to become emergencies—in your heart, in your marriage, in your home. Coach yourself as you would coach one of those people that come to you for counsel.

Coach yourself on how to practice a Sabbath rest. It’s hard, but it is a commandment. I believe God gave us those commandments out of love. I call them His loving law. He loves us through them. How can you take a Sabbath rest? What does that look like? How can you plan periods of catch up and renewal?

Admit to yourself that resting is not a sin, it is a commandment. Admit to yourself that finding a way to rebuild, to regroup, to rethink, is a way to keep moving forward. It’s not stalling.

Nancy: Jani Ortlund has been encouraging her fellow pastors’ wives at a recent True Woman conference with truth and hope from God’s Word. You can listen to more of this message at ReviveOurHearts.com. Just search for the transcript of today’s episode. We’ll place a link to Jani’s entire breakout session there.

Maybe you’re walking with a suffering friend today. If so, I’d love to point you to a resource by Pastor Paul Tautges. It’s called A Small Book for the Hurting Heart. I had the privilege of endorsing this collection of daily readings, and I know they will help you or your loved one find compassion and hope in Christ. 

We’d love to send you a copy as our way of saying thank you for your donation of any amount this month. Perhaps you could read it first to refresh your own heart and then give it to a suffering friend to encourage them. To make your gift, visit ReviveOurHearts.com, or call us at 1-800-569-5959. And don’t forget to request A Small Book for the Hurting Heart.

Do you ever struggle with fear? I think I know the answer. We all do at times! On Monday, we’ll hear from Judy Dunagan. She has written a book titled The Loudest Roar, and she has some practical counsel for how we can keep from being controlled by fear. That’s coming up next week. 

Have a God-honoring weekend! I trust you’ll be able to worship the Lord with your local church family. And then please be back for Revive Our Hearts!

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

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