Inviting Christ to the Wedding

Leslie Basham: Here's Connie Grigsby.

Connie Grigsby: So often we expect our husbands to jump in and do those things that a friend might do or a sister might do. A few minutes later we'll say, "Do you think you could help me make lunches?" And you know, we say it in kind of that tone.

And I remember saying that once to my husband and he looked at me and said, "Honey, if you want me to help all you have to do is ask."

And I said the infamous words, "If I have to ask, it doesn't count." Well, that is just silly thinking.

Leslie Basham: It's Friday, June 4; and this is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Here's Nancy.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Whether your marriage, on a scale of 1-10, is at a 10 or it's at a 1, there are some principles and tips from God's Word that will help that marriage be more of what God wants it to be. And here to help us on that subject today are two women, Connie Grigsby and Nancy Cobb.

Nancy and Connie, thanks for being with us on Revive Our Hearts this week. It's been really just a blessing to get to know you and to hear, out of your lives, some of these very practical aspects of marriage.

Connie Grigsby: It's great to be here. Thanks so much, Nancy.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: And I'm so appreciative of both the books you've written, the one called The Politically Incorrect Wife and then a second one called, How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You. And I found myself, on that second book, hardly able to put the book down. I think you have like seventy-eight chapters or something and it's--not a huge, long book, but they're short chapters. They're two or three pages and each chapter is one particular principle of marriage or that will help make a good marriage better or a lousy marriage head in the right direction.

And, they're just real practical. They're well illustrated. I want all of our listeners who are married to get a copy of this book. And I would say, even to those who aren't married--"I've had myself as a single woman, being very challenged and helped just in thinking about the men that I work with and the men in my family." I saw some ways where I was not helping them or encouraging them or drawing them out.

So this was a very practical book for me as well, How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You. And I wish we had time to really expand on each of these principles but we have just this session today left. And I'd like to ask both of you if you would just jump in here and tick off, what are some of the just very practical principles that you get into that will help facilitate and enhance communication in a marriage.

So, Connie, get us started and what's one that comes to your mind?

Connie Grigsby: Okay, one of my favorites is the idea, If I have to ask, it doesn't count. So often we expect our husbands to jump in and do those things that a friend might do or a sister might do, but they don't. They come in and they see the newspaper. And we're buzzing around the kitchen. They'll sit and read the sports page and then we're mad and we're steaming and a few minutes later we'll say, "Do you think you could help me make lunches?" You know, and we say it in kind of that tone.

And I remember saying that once to my husband, years ago of course, and he looked at me and said, "Honey, if you want me to help all you have to do is ask."

And I said the infamous words, "If I have to ask, it doesn't count." Well, that is just silly thinking.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: So, you wanted him to think of it.

Connie Grigsby: I wanted him to come in, see the scenario, jump in and help like Nancy would or like my sisters would or my mother would or my daughters would. But see, he's a man and he didn't do that. So stop thinking, If I have to ask, it doesn't count. If you need help, ask and it still counts.

Another great one is to develop thicker skin.

Nancy Cobb: Developing thicker skin--it's worth the price of the book. You know, we women are sensitive, so sensitive to what our husbands are saying that we sometimes drive them away from speaking at all because we are so sensitive to the truth.

For instance, we had a friend who was wearing this green dress and she had bought it for a formal ball. She came down the stairs just feeling quite gorgeous and her husband said, "You look like Kermit the Frog."

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Wrong.

Nancy Cobb: Well, instead of just thinking, Well, isn't that the funniest thing I ever heard, her feelings were hurt and she probably didn't even want to go to the ball.

So, just get thicker skin. If your husband says something off the top of his head--that's what a guy would say to another guy and they both would fall down laughing. Don't be offended by the way that your husband presents things to you.

Connie Grigsby: And the interesting thing is that friend said, "How do I look?"

And he said, "Like Kermit the Frog."

So oftentimes, we set our husbands up with a question. They give their truthful response and then we're angry at their response. In fact, we found that was the number one reason--we surveyed over three hundred men and discovered that husbands aren't speaking to their wives because she takes it too personally. "I say the wrong thing. Her feelings get hurt and then I suffer for answering a question that she asked."

So those are a couple of great quick tips. Another one that's really meaningful to a man and I think as women, we need to really work hard at understanding this, is what's your life like in the bedroom? You know, sexual fulfillment--some studies show that's the number one need in a man's life is sexual fulfillment. Not sex, but sexual fulfillment. And that involves your involvement in that.

So I would challenge the listeners to take a look at that in their own lives. Sex and sexual intimacy is a big deal to a man. Oftentimes it's not as big a deal to a woman. Well, it needs to be. Because that's one way men feel loved.

And that's also something God has called us to do. Our bodies are not our own. They belong to our husbands and we need to give our bodies to our husbands and let them know we're available, we desire it. They need to know we think they're wonderful lovers.

That's one of the big areas women have really dropped in our culture today. If you're not meeting my needs, buddy, I'm not going to meet yours. You can just suffer. That's a wrong response.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: We keep coming back to humility and love, don't we?

Connie Grigsby: That's right.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: And if we're clothed with humility and clothed with love, it makes all these issues take on a different perspective.

Nancy Cobb: And on a lighter note, we encourage women to smile, to look at their faces in the mirror as though they were looking at their husbands. What does your countenance look like?

Another one is, trying to understand his familial patter. That's the kind of language that your family spoke that he doesn't quite understand. Like, if I'm warm and I would say to my sister, "Isn't it cozy in here?"

She would say, "Well, darling, you must be burning up. Let me turn on the air conditioner."

My husband would say, "Cozy is nice." So, we need to understand that they had a language developed in their home just as we had a language developed in our home, not expecting him to read your mind. Because some of this familial patter is so complicated, it can barely be explained to the family.

Connie Grigsby: And, to encourage your husband--so often we encourage everyone else. I love to encourage my daughters, my friends, everyone. And I look at how often do I encourage Wes. Well, you know, our husbands need our encouragement. We think sometimes that they get it at the office; they get it on the golf course; they get it in the workplace.

But the fact is, often they don't. They need to hear their wives encourage them. They need to hear them say, "You're doing great. I'm so proud of you." They need to be loved and admired and encouraged.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: That can really put the wind back in his sails, can't it?

Connie Grigsby: That puts the wind in their sails. There's a wonderful verse in Hebrews 3:13 that says, "But exhort one another daily, while it is called "Today," lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin." You want to protect your husband from the hardness of sins and encourage him because that verse gives us a promise none of us will be hardened. So it seems to me, the encourager and the encouragee are protected then from sin's deceitfulness.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: What's the difference between nagging and reminding? At what point does reminding become a negative nagging quality in a marriage?

Connie Grigsby: Well, I think that nagging is sort of in the attitude. How are you presenting it to your husband? And then once you present it, do you let it drop? Or do you just stay on him?

You cannot force your husband to do anything. You can sweetly ask him to do something and then let it go. One of the things that's helpful for me is if I ask Wes to do something and he doesn't do it--and he's forgetful in some of these kinds of things and he may forget--is when I ask him again, to ask with the same gentleness and sweetness. And then a third time I may ask with the same gentleness and sweetness. And he will frequently say, "I am so sorry. You've asked me to do that a couple of times."

So to stay off the nagging--it does nothing to bring closeness between a husband and wife.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: And, one of the other things you mentioned that also does not help develop closeness in the marriage is when you make a project out of your husband, try and make him over. You share how that can really be a frustration to a husband rather than a source of motivation to him.

Nancy Cobb: Well, no man wants to be a project. And it's a very unhappy situation when you make your husband a project. There were times early in our marriage when I thought that I could handle situations better, such as talking to a teacher. And if he was going to talk to a teacher, I would coach him behind the scenes and, "This is what you say; and this is how you present it." I can remember being--listening to phone calls he was making to our children and saying, "You need to say it this way and don't say that and be very careful about this."

Well, it gets to the point where he doesn't want to talk to a teacher. He doesn't want to talk to the children.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: He doesn't want to talk to you.

Nancy Cobb: He doesn't want to talk to me. So, stop that.

Connie Grigsby: We say, "If you want a project, take up knitting but leave your husband alone."

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: That's great. Well, there're lots of other practical tools and resources and tips that you have in this book, How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You. And we're not talking here about manipulating but about putting on those qualities of grace and kindness and humility and genuine love and a servant's heart that will help your marriage to become the intimate relationship that God intended for it to be.

But as we wrap up here today, I just want to focus on this. What is probably the central, foundational issue in any marriage, and that is really to make sure that Christ is at the center of that marriage.

Nancy Cobb: You know, that is so dear to us. And one of the things that we encourage women to do and one of the things we have done ourselves"¦we noticed in John 2, that Jesus accepts wedding invitations. And I realized that I had never invited Him into my marriage. I'd invited Him into my heart but I chose purposefully to invite Him in my marriage because I knew that at Cana, He filled what they had run out of and it was better than if they hadn't run out of it.

So, He could fill what I had run out of in my marriage. And He has filled, for many women who we've taught this principle to, those aspects of their marriage that weren't good, that weren't godly and He's made them fly. It's been wonderful to watch.

Leslie Basham: That's Nancy Cobb, one of our guests this week, reminding us that we can accomplish great things in our marriages if we allow God's power to work through us.

Today is the last day in a series called "Recipe for a Godly Marriage." It includes Nancy's complete conversation with Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby. If you missed any of it, you can get a copy on two CDs for a suggested donation of $10. Just call us at 1-800-569-5959. 

Or, visit ReviveOurHearts.com. While you're there, you can order the books we were hearing about today, The Politically Incorrect Wife and How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You.

Has this series helped you and affected your marriage? Would you let us know? You can send us a letter to Revive Our Hearts.

On Monday's program, we'll begin a new series where Nancy will share with us some important godly advice passed down to her from her father. We hope you can join us for Revive Our Hearts. And now, here's Nancy to pray.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: I do pray, Lord, that women who are listening right now would just stop, would lift their eyes and their hearts to heaven and say, "Lord Jesus, please come into my marriage in a fresh way. We want You to be the honored guest in our home. We want Your presence to be that which fills every need and lack that we have."

And, Lord, how I pray for especially those marriages that are really on the brink, those that are hurting, those that are frazzled, those that, if You don't intervene, they're not going to make it. And how I pray that today, You would come in Your grace and Your mercy and You would visit the marriages and the homes of many, many women across this nation, that You would be glorified, and that people would be able to see in our marriages here on earth, a picture of the relationship between the Lord Jesus and His Bride, the Church, that our lives would bring glory to Him. I pray in Jesus' Name, Amen.

Leslie Basham:

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is a ministry partnership of Life Action Ministries.