Defined by More Than Marriage

Dannah Gresh: Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth got married in 2015 to Robert Wolgemuth. Leading up to that new chapter of life, this was the heart attitude Nancy cultivated.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: It's not my singleness that's the defining thing about me. Whether you're single or married is not what defines you as a woman. What defines me, what defines you, as a woman is our relationship with God and our walking through life in a relationship with Him.

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, co-author of You Can Trust God to Write Your Story, for Tuesday, August 4, 2026. 

I’m Dannah Gresh, and I’m here with my friends Katie Laitkep and Charmaine Porter. Hey guys! 

Charmaine Porter: Hello.

Katie Leitkep: Hey Dannah.

Charmaine: Yesterday, Nancy took us to 1 Corinthians 7, and she focused on some important words in that text.

Nancy: Three words: gift, assigned, and called.

Katie: And based on that passage, Nancy asked us a very important question.

Nancy: Have you ever stopped to thank God for the gift of singleness? Have you received singleness as a gift from the Lord?

Dannah: We’re going to pick up part 2 of this series. We’re calling it “Embracing Singleness.” Nancy first taught it in 2002, thirteen years before she married Robert Wolgemuth, who’s now with the Lord. Let’s listen, and then Katie, Charmaine, and I will be back to discuss what we’ve heard.

Nancy: Let me read you an email I received from a woman in her late thirties who has never been married. She said: 

I subtly measure my value, or lack thereof, by the fact that I am not married. But you said that God gives different gifts to different people at different times. So I've realized it's rude of me to tell God that I don't like the gift He has given me now. Thank you for modeling a different view of singleness. I now am finding that I have truly embraced my singleness and love the freedom it provides.

We have been talking this week about the gift of singleness. Now, singleness is not the only gift. Marriage is a gift as well. One of the problems with life being what it is and people being discontent as we tend to be, is that so many married people wish they had the gift of singleness, and so many single people wish they had the gift of marriage! 

We are looking at a very important passage in God's Word, 1 Corinthians 7, that gives us instructions and some direction about this matter of marital status—marriage, singleness. Paul is talking to believers in the early church about how to receive whatever gift God gives them.

Let me ask you to turn to 1 Corinthians chapter 7. I want us to look together at four principles that Paul gives about general marital status—whether you are married or single, Paul says these things you need to remember. 

In verse 7, we read in our last session that Paul says that “each man has his own gift from God, one has this gift and another has that.” Paul says you need to receive God’s calling, receive it as an assignment from God. Be content with it, accept it. Be content with whatever the gift and calling that God has given to you. 

In verse 17 of the same chapter he says “each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him.” This is the rule he laid down in all the churches. 

So Paul says to accept the gift, be content with it. Now, remember, contentment is ultimately not a feeling; contentment is a choice. I can choose that path of contentment. As an act of my will, I can say, "Lord, I accept. I choose to be content with the gift you have given me."

One of the things I have learned over the years, and I believe this with all my heart, is that if you are not content as a single person, you will never be content as a married person. And I would say to married women, "If you are not content as a married woman, if you think that getting out of that marriage will make you happier and that you will be better off. If you are not content in your marriage, you will not be content once you get out of that marriage and go into the single life. God's gift, His assignment, His calling is to be received. We receive it, we thank Him for it and use that gift as He intended.

Paul goes on to say, in 1 Corinthians 7:20, that we are to remain in the calling of God, whatever it is, unless and until God changes that calling. He goes on to say, in verse 27, that we are not to make it our objective to change our marital status. Stay in the calling where God has you right now—unless God makes it clear that He is giving you a different calling, a different gift. Don't make it your purpose in life to change your gift, to change your calling.

Paul goes on to say that each one should retain the place in life the Lord has assigned him. Then verse 18, “Is a man already circumcised when he is called [a believer]? He should not be uncircumcised." Was he uncircumcised when we was called, was he a Gentile, he should not become a Jew. 

What he's saying is, "Don't try to get a different gift than the one God has already given you." He says, "Circumcision is nothing, and uncircumcision is nothing." Jew, Gentile, married, single: it's not your state in life that matters. Keeping God's commands is what counts. In verse 20, he says, "Let every man abide in the same calling wherein he was called."

There’s that word “remain.” Stay there. Don’t try to be getting out of it. Don’t be striving for a different gift. Don’t be living in a dream world, in an escape world, insisting on having a different gift than the one God has chosen for you. So he says to remain in that calling.

It’s okay, he says in this passage, to be married. There's nothing wrong with being married. If God gives you that opportunity and God opens that door and you want to take it, take it. But don't be striving for a different life situation than the one you have right now. Because you know what happens? So many single people miss out on the joy and the fullness and the blessing God wants to give them now because they are looking for something down the road that they can’t have now . They can't enjoy what they do have because they're worrying about what they don't have.

It's not just singles who do that. It's married people, too. It's a married couple who can't have children and who are saying, "I would be happy, this marriage would be complete, we'd be full if we could just have children." Then they have children, and they're waiting for them to get out of diapers! Then they're waiting for the children to go to school, and then they're waiting for the children to get out of school. Then they're waiting for the children to get married. They're always waiting for something else. In the meantime, life passes them by.

I want to tell you, ladies, that I have enjoyed my life. I loved being a teenager, well, most of the time. It wasn't exactly my favorite season in life, but I had a lot of joy during my teenage years. God gave me some great experiences. But I really loved being in my twenties. Those were great years. I was having opportunities for ministry and service and was developing relationships. I loved being in my twenties.

Then I hit thirty. I loved my thirties. I mean, God did so many great things in my life and gave me rich experiences and relationships. The thirties were so good by comparison that I just couldn't believe anything would get better. Then I turned forty, and I want to tell you the forties are great. I love life.

Now, I don't love everything about life. I didn't love everything about my twenties or my thirties, about my forties or fifties. But I am enjoying what God has given me. It's a gift, and I am receiving it as a gift, with a thankful heart. I am not "missing life."

Will I be single forever? I don't know. I may be; I may not be. The wonderful thing is that I don't have to know, and I don't have to live in the constant anticipation of something that God hasn't given me now.

Then Paul says—and we skipped over this little phrase quickly, but I don't want to miss it—that what matters is not our marital status but obedience. In verse 19 he says, "keeping the commandments of God" is what counts. The issue is not, are you married or are you single. The issue is, are you in the will of God? 

If God wants you married, are you willing to be married? If God wants you single, are you willing to be single? If you've been married and God takes your husband, are you willing to live as a widow? Are you willing to be single again? Are you willing to obey the command of God? 

We're talking about joy this week. We're talking about how to walk though the journey of life with joy, whether single or married. I want to give you another perspective on joy. Joy is the product—the byproduct—of knowing, embracing, and doing the will of God. That's how I get joy.

I don't mean giddiness or that everything is easy, that there are no tears, that there are no frustrations. I've just come through what probably has been the hardest year of my life in many respects. But I want to tell you that in the midst of the tears and the heartache and the problems there is joy because I am obeying God, I am surrendering to Him. I lose my joy when I start kicking and screaming and resisting and resenting the will of God, when I don't choose to embrace the will of God. But when I say, "I want to know Yourwill; I want to embrace it, and I want to do it," I find joy. And you will as well.

Then Paul says in verse 24 to remain with God in whatever condition He has placed you. “Let each of you remain with God in the state in which you were called.” This verse tells us that whether you're single or married, you walk in that state, in that condition, with God. That's how you find joy. Keep your relationship with the Lord uppermost, foremost. It's not my singleness that's the defining thing about me. Whether you're single or married is not what defines you as a woman. What defines me—what defines you—as a woman is our relationship with God and our walking through life in a relationship with Him. Paul says that we are to remain in that condition.

Sometime ago I came across a piece whose author I do not know. I also don't remember where I got it. But I want to read this “Declaration of Acceptance and Surrender.” It’s kind of lengthy, so I want you to listen carefully. It puts into words better than I could that heart attitude that I think God wants us to have as single women. 

You may want to close your eyes as I read this because it is in the form of a prayer, and an expression to God. As I read it, I want to ask if you would make this your expression of your heart to the Lord. Let me read it. You think about it as I do. This is what I believe God is calling us through this passage of Scripture to express to Him.

God is my heavenly Father. He is the all-wise One who controls all things. His essence is love. His desire is for my good. Since He is loving enough to desire only good for me, wise enough to plan just what is best, and powerful enough to accomplish what His love and goodness have planned, how can I lack any good thing? It is to Him that I make unconditional surrender of all that I am and all that I have. I belong to Him.

Especially do I now present to Him all my normal desires to be married and to have a husband and family realizing that He knows what is best for my life. I acknowledge that God has met my needs in the past and has taken care of me thus far, without the benefits and enjoyment of a husband. I fully accept the fact that my being single is God's will for me at this point in my life, realizing that this is for my good and His glory. Therefore, I yield to God my right to be married. He will not withhold any good thing from me. And if He does not give me the gift of marriage, I will know that He has a higher purpose in mind.

I furthermore acknowledge that my future belongs to God. I trust His wisdom, knowing that His plan for my life will be the most fulfilling to me and pleasing to Him. I purpose to seek fulfillment in Him alone, realizing that He is able to meet and control my desires—spiritual, emotional, and physical. I also purpose to refuse any thoughts of self-pity, jealousy, or resentment which could creep in when I do not understand His way with me now or His intention for the future.

Lord, I make this declaration before You. I need Your help to be true to this commitment and make me immediately aware of the slightest deviation. Help Yourself to my life, giving or withholding marriage—whatever you choose. Thank You for being good and trustworthy. Thank You for Your love for me and for Your good purpose for my life. In Jesus' name, amen.

Dannah: That’s Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, speaking in 2002. Thirteen years after Nancy delivered that message, God did call her to the gift of marriage, and now He’s brought her into the season of widowhood. The point is, whether we are married or single, our whole lives are for God’s will and purpose.

To follow up that message, we’ve invited two women who have been given the gift of singleness in this season of their lives—Charmaine Porter and Katie Laitkep.

Charmaine, did anything stand out to you in that message from Nancy?

Charmaine: Yeah, identity. As I listened and heard what she had to say, I was like, man, it all comes down and back to identity. Do I find my identity in the Lord and in who He is, and in who I understand Him to be, what Scripture says about Him? Or, do I find my identity in my relationship status?

Dannah: And you know what? I struggle with the same thing. Do I find my identity in my work, in my ministry life? Do I find my identity as NanaDannah, a grandma, in this season of my life? No matter where you are, you can be tempted to find your identity in something other than Jesus. That is really where our ultimate idols come from, I think.

Charmaine: Absolutely. I think when that happens, we can unintentionally squeeze these good things that the Lord has allowed us to experience: singleness, marriage, being a grandma, a job, community. We can end up squeezing the life out of it instead of having hands open and embracing it and allowing the Lord to continue to mold and shape it, but then also us as we interact with it.

Katie: Yeah, and I think with that she said that contentment is a choice. And so I think it's in the midst of those really hard moments and in the midst of loneliness or even grieving the life that you thought you would have right now, that you can still be content. You can choose that, and even choose to have joy even in that really hard place. 

There's something else that really stood out to me that I really appreciate. She said it’s the singleness that is the defining moment for me. I feel that sometimes, if you're a single woman, especially if you are still a single woman, after college, after your twenties, as you get older that becomes the thing that people will kind of mark you by. You know what I mean?

Dannah: Charmaine, does that sound familiar to you?

Charmaine: Oh yeah, absolutely. Will I always be known as the single girl, or even, is that what I'm known as right now? Something that I love, even what you just said, Katie, is contentment as you're grieving the life that you thought you may have had. I think that comes through the way that you get there. 

I'm very practical. I'm also deeply wanting to be the good Christian girl. So I'm like, “Okay, how do I do this thing? This is what the Lord wants me to do, and this is how I'm supposed to behave as a believer. How do I do this? How do I find contentment when I may be struggling or when something is hard about the life that I'm in?” 

I think that the Lord wants to hear our griefs and our laments. “I thought it was going to be different! Will you meet me in that?” And I think that He meets us in that—not just with a corrective posture, but He meets us with comfort. 

I think one of His favorite follow-ups to me and my prayer is, “Charmaine, tell me more about that.” That has been so good for me to understand that He's that kind of father, not just. “Well, hey, I'm giving you the best. I'm your good Shepherd. You have everything that you need.” Yes, true. But I think He oftentimes follows up with, "Yeah, tell me about that. I love you. I care about you. Please tell me.”

Dannah: That's so good, Charmaine. You know, I have to say that as we talk about this whole singleness marks you or identifies you, you have called me to task as a woman and as a sister in Christ that many times we do in church just categorize women as married and single, and how that really is not useful in terms of us serving each other in those different seasons of life. We might have been driving to an event, or I don't know, just doing life together. . . .

I have a really incorrect biblical view of singleness, and you corrected that in my heart and in my life. Like, we cannot label each other by that. We are not single women or married women. We are image bearers of Jesus. Period.

Charmaine: Amen. I love that so much. I don't think that God labels us as that. It didn't seem like Nancy was labeling herself as that. So we shouldn't either. 

Dannah: So good.

Katie: I think with that identity thing I go back to Paul. A few months ago I just started looking at how he opened all of his letters, because he never goes, “Hey, I'm Paul, a single man.” That's never like the defining feature about him, which I appreciate so much because you go to a new church or you walk into a room with other Christians and it's, “Hey I'm Katie, and I am a single woman and I'm going to go to the class, the Sunday school class for other single adults.” 

But that's not how Paul defines himself. Like Romans 1, he's Paul a servant of Christ Jesus set apart for the gospel of God, and that's his identity and I think we miss something when we're not leaning in to that part of who we are because that is who we are.

Dannah: Yeah, you're getting a little bit on a soapbox that I like to jump on now and then: how in church we often divide everybody up by age and marital status and life stages when we can be learning so much from each other and supporting each other so much better if we do just identify ourselves as an image bearer of Jesus Christ. So I love that thought, Katie.

Now I have to ask you because you said the contentment piece really spoke to your heart. I'm wondering—what kinds of things stir up discontent in you, and how do you combat that?

Katie: Yeah, I feel like with discontentment, I think when I see people first that they have something that I don't have, I can feel like God has cheated me in some way. That can stir up discontentment if I believe that Ge's withholding something from me. 

Or just comparison. Like, if I look at my childhood best friends who have been married for years, and they're telling me they're pregnant with baby number four. I'm happy for them, but I can also start to feel discontent and feel like I'm being left behind, that we're not going to get to raise our kids together, because that's just not how God has planned it. 

But I think discontentment can actually be a gift in some ways because it's like a big warning sign that I have started to believe something that's not true about God. And a lot of times it is that I feel like He's withholding something from me or He's cheating me or that He doesn't really have my best interests at heart. 

And so I think discontentment, whether or not I see it clearly or if someone points it out . . . if a good friend is like, “Hey, I see that you're a little bitter about this. Can we talk about this?” If they pointed that out, that can actually be a gift because it forces me to look at what lies I may be believing about the Lord.

Dannah: Or about yourself. I think sometimes we can believe lies about what God has assigned to us. Okay, Charmaine, you don't get off the hook here. What makes you discontent, and how do you fight it? 

Charmaine: I just talked to a mentor of mine yesterday, and I was telling her that I'm in a season of grieving right now. I'm realizing life doesn't look like the way that I thought it was going to. 

And I don't just mean marriage. For me, I mean relationships with some of my family members. I mean, some health issues that I've had; there's some limitations that my body is not able to do in this current season. I'm like, “Lord, I just I did not know that these are the things that I would be dealing with. How do I find contentment in them? How do I accept and receive what You're giving me.” 

My mentor, she was like, "I want you to start imagining that these things, like the life that you wish that you had, or just the life that you didn't realize that you would be living, like imagining that they're in your hands. Imagine yourself putting them down at the cross at the feet of Jesus, leaving them there, but then also picking up what currently is.” 

As someone that thinks in picture form—that's just the way that the Lord has wired my brain—that was so helpful for me. I think that my struggle to be content oftentimes just does that first part of, “Lord, like, I surrender. These are the things that I want, and You're not allowing them to be in this season.” So I just put that down. 

But that image of picking up what is there and embracing it, I think that brings a lot of flesh to Psalm 23:1. “The Lord is my shepherd. I currently have everything that I need,” not according to Charmaine, because Charmaine thinks that she needs a lot of different things I'm looking at. I'm like, “I don't think I see this, Lord.” But it is that act of trust. By faith I'm saying that, “You are my good Shepherd. You are currently giving me everything that I need in this season.” 

Another thing that I've had to do is ask the Lord. “Okay, by faith, I'm believing that you're giving me everything that I need. How are you providing it?” Because I think I need X, Y, Z over here. I'm thinking that it's going to come from the left, when He's actually providing me with what he says that I need, but it's coming from the right. But because I'm turned to the left, I don't see it. 

And so, just prayer. It takes back to: because I am found in Christ, because I am a daughter of the King, because You deeply love me and You are my Father, I'm asking You to help me do this in a very practical daily way. “Lord, I think I get distracted by what's over here to my right. Will you help me to look and see where you are providing for me?” 

Dannah: That is so good. You could have been describing my heart in the last few weeks, Charmaine. That really spoke to my heart. And Lord, help me to see.

Okay, I got one more question. Because what you guys are making me think of is how James says “Count it all joy when you fall into various trials . . .” 

Now, I'm not saying that singleness is a trial. But I think there's an element of contentment when he says that. I've always thought, “You know what? Count up the reasons why the circumstances you're in right now can give you joy.” So each of you let's make a list. Let's count up a couple things. Why can you have joy in your singleness now? What's on your list Charmaine?

Charmaine: I prayed this last night, actually. I said, “Lord, You know I have this opportunity to speak to women, to potentially men as well. Lord, I wouldn't have this opportunity, more than likely, if singleness wasn't a part of my life right now.” That gave me a lot of joy. It gave me a lot of, “This is really cool that I get to do this. It's cool that people want to hear about the experiences that I've had, and I'm honored.” I know that's top of mind, but that's one of the things that I'm definitely thankful for. I rejoice in this opportunity just to speak with all of you, the freedom that I have. 

I mean, I had a friend of mine who's married, and she has a 2-year-old girl, and I've kind of been adopted into their family. So, I'm Auntie Charmaine, and her little girl calls me TT, and I deeply, deeply love that. I had some time on Friday, and she was like, "Hey, I'm so sorry it's last minute. Is there any way that you can watch our girl tonight?” And I actually did have some plans already, but I was like, "I think I can rearrange and move them around.” I was able to flex in that moment. I was able to help and just offer space for my friend and offer some help for her. 

So I'm able to do things like that because I don't have to follow up with, “Let me check in with my husband and see what we’ve got going on. Da da da da da.” I get to make those decisions independently, which I'm an independent woman, so I don't mind that.

Dannah: I love that! Katie, want to something to our list.

Katie: Yeah, I agree with that. I feel like I wouldn't know the Lord's care if I hadn't been single and been single for this long. I feel like I know Him in a way that maybe I would have been too distracted to see Him if I had really been dating or if I got married at a different age. 

But even practically we have to celebrate. It's nice to have your own schedule. It's nice to have your own bed. It's nice to be able to make my own financial decisions and decide when I'm going to get up in the morning. So there's some practical things that I feel we can add to that list.

Dannah: Every now and then when Bob wants me to turn the light off when I'm reading at night, I'm like, “Huh!” So, there you go. So, ladies that are listening who are single, if you're single, maybe sit down, write yourself a list, count up the ways that the season you're in right now in your life can bring you joy. 

Thank you, Katie Leitkep and Charmaine Porter. It was just really encouraging to hear some of your thoughts on this season of life today.

Charmaine: Thank you so much. I'm so thankful that we've been able to do this, and this is my this filled my joy bucket today. This has been an honor.

Dannah: Whatever season you find yourself in right now, God is present and working. Revive Our Hearts wants to help you see His goodness—right where He’s placed you. 

When you give a gift of any amount this month, we'll send you our brand-new book, Finding Beauty in Every Season. It’s got thirty days of stunning nature imagery paired with encouragement from Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth. It’s a gentle daily reminder that in every chapter of your story, God is writing something beautiful.

This photo book is yours when you make a donation of any amount to support Revive Our Hearts. To give and request your copy of Finding Beauty in Every Season, you can visit ReviveOurHearts.com, or call us at 1-800-569-5959. 

Tomorrow, Nancy will point out the blessings of singleness—and there are many! You’ll have to join us if you want to hear those. Please be back for Revive Our Hearts.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

All Scripture is taken from the NIV84.

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