Leslie Basham: Just because we're getting more information doesn't necessarily mean we are learning. Here's Holly Elliff.
Holly Elliff: If we would just apply what we already know, we wouldn't be struggling with so many of the issues we face. The problem is that we have a whole lot of head knowledge that does not get worked into our daily lives.
Leslie Basham: It's Thursday, May 27; and this is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Yesterday we heard from Holly Elliff. Nancy was asking her some practical questions about modesty. She's back today to give us counsel on loving our husbands. Nancy's discussion with Holly kicks off a new series called "Recipe for a Godly Marriage."
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: First, a little bit of background. Now this is a little embarrassing for me but tell them about the first time we ever met.
Holly Elliff: The first time we ever met was in a parking lot in Norman, Oklahoma, where my husband was a pastor. I walked out into the parking lot and a huge semi-truck was there.
Nancy was holding this article of clothing that had tire prints all over it. What had happened was that one of her very favorite outfits that was fairly new had been somehow run over or something by the truck and I happened to walk out right at the moment that she discovered the article of clothing with the tire prints all over it. That was probably in 1987 or so, I think. So we have had years of seeing each other in all kinds of circumstances.
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: You had how many children then?
Holly Elliff: I was very pregnant with my fifth one at that point.
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Which you thought was a lot, but you now have?
Holly Elliff: That was a whole lot. I have eight, so I've actually been pregnant ten times. I have two in heaven and eight on earth.
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Holly has become a really precious friend over those years. She is a confidant and partner in this ministry. She really shares the mission and vision of what Revive Our Hearts is all about. She really does have a heart for the Word of God, for a relationship with Christ and for how that works itself out in everyday life particularly in marriage and family issues.
As a pastor's wife, she is often asked questions and asked for input and wisdom having walked a little farther down the road than some of the women she meets. It's such a great thing to have her in the church. Women whom the Scriptures would call older (that means they have a little more life experience) have walked in the wisdom of God's Word and are committed to living it out.
Holly would be the first to tell you that she doesn't do that flawlessly. She's very honest and real and that's one of the things I love about her. We have had the privilege a number of times on Revive Our Hearts of just talking together about some of these practical issues that face marriages today.
The kinds of things we want to talk about that will be helpful are really probably not things you haven't heard before. They are probably things you know already. That's why Peter says in 2 Peter [1:12], "I want to remind you of what you already know" (paraphrase) because, Holly, I find that I know a lot of things that, if I would just put half of it into practice in my life, what a huge difference it would make, and that's probably true in the area of marriage, too.
Holly Elliff: I think that's tremendously true in the area of marriage. We know so much in our heads, especially as Christian women, if we would just apply what we already know, we wouldn't be struggling with so many of the issues we face.
The problem is we have a whole lot of head knowledge that does not get worked into our daily lives. We can sit and listen to Nancy teach and we can nod our heads and say, "Yes, that's exactly right. I need to honor my husband. I need to love my kids unconditionally" and then we walk in the door of our house and within moments we are responding in ways that don't have anything to do with those biblical principles.
So I think a real valid question would be, "Why is it that we know so much but live out so little?" That would probably be a good question to get some responses on from these gals. Just what is it that keeps you from living out what you know in your head is right but you find yourself not practicing it in your home.
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Does anyone relate to that struggle? Do you know of some things that you find yourself not living out? Say your name and then go ahead and share.
Marian Lacey: I'm Marian Lacey and I have been married, thanks to the Lord, happily for 42 years. I think a lot of times (I think I've almost forgotten the question) as people we tend to be so much concerned about ourselves and we don't realize that in a marriage I has no place, I don't think.
Both partners must realize (and I try to pray and ask for God's intervention here) that my husband is important [to me] and I am important to him. That means that when problems arise which they do, I try not to attack him personally but I do deal with the issue without making him feel negative.
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: You have been married 42 years?
Marian Lacey: 42 years.
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: You said you are happily married.
Marian Lacey: We are happily married.
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Have you been happily married all of those 42 years?
Marian Lacey: Pretty much. I mean we have had problems, but they didn't tear the basic core of the love apart because his upbringing was totally different from mine. So when we started with the family, certain things I wanted to see happen, he hadn't been trained that way and vice versa.
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: So how did you deal with some of those differences in your upbringing?
Marian Lacey: I learned this from my mother. I noticed that she and my father never had an argument in front of us and I just couldn't believe that. But I could hear them sometimes at night discussing those issues. I think communication is really important.
Each person has to say and express what that person means. You have to have a divine base because just to depend on Marian Lacey wouldn't give you an answer. Depending on the Bible and God's teachings and helping your mate or he helps you to see the way we are straying a little, that is the key. You have all the problems but they are minor when you take them to the Lord.
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: So, Marian, if you were talking with a young woman who is getting ready to get married and she would say, "Marian, how can my marriage last for 42 years" because not many do today, what is the single greatest piece of counseling you would give her?
Marian Lacey: I would say, "Communicate, stay close to the Lord, let your husband know what it is you want and put the Almighty first."
Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Put God first and start from there. This whole area of communication--how many of you would say that you discovered, when you got married, there were differences in your background that you hadn't thought about before you got married? Holly, do you find that different styles of communication are an issue in a lot of marriages?
Holly Elliff: Let me just give you a real current example. Well, actually I have so many current examples that I don't know which one to use.
Our house is on the market. We've got our house listed. We're trying to sell it which is a really ridiculous thing with nine people living in it. So our house is on the market and we went to look at this other house that was under construction. My husband walked in the door of the house, walked through it in about 30 seconds and said, "Yeah, this will work. This is good. The price is right. This will work."
I mean, there is nothing there but boards. It's not even framed in yet, no walls or anything. So I said, "Okay, now wait a minute. Let's go back and look here. This bedroom is like 9' x 10'. We have to put two children in this bedroom."
He said, "Well, bunk beds. Not a problem."
So we are walking through every room of this house and I am constantly saying, "Now, wait just a minute. Let's think about this."
We were in a conference not too long ago with Bob Biehl who is a nationally known guy that works with churches and organizations in the whole area of management and team building.
One of the things he said was that you have people who function differently--some see a goal and so they go from A to Z in 30 seconds and some are problem solvers and so they go from this little box of problems they have to solve before they can get to the next little box of problems, and they move from stage to stage in getting to the goal.
I walked out of that house thinking, Okay, this is a really graphic illustration of the fact that my husband is a goal setter and I'm a problem solver. We function really differently but it helped me just having been in that conference.
It was okay that I functioned differently from him. So we got back in the car and I said, "Okay, see Bob Biehl was talking about problem solvers and goal setters and obviously, we are two different types of people." It was a real clear illustration of that.
I think that lots of times if we don't become students of our husbands, we resent that they handle things differently than we do. They come in and are already at Z and we're still at A and a half, you know?
So if we are not careful, it can build up resentment when we are not honest about what we're struggling with. When we don't have good communication skills, we don't practice those things. And we don't understand each other enough to know how these two very different ways of approaching conflict are going to mesh.
I think in marriage our goal ought to be to learn how to mesh who we are with who our husband is. That's exactly what God says. He says, "You are to complement and complete each other."
It's good for my husband that I notice the little things that have to be fixed. It's good for me that he says, "Look, God can do this," and he's a big picture guy. He gets to the end of faith and I need his encouragement to remember that God is a big picture guy. If we can learn to see that balance, it's a really valuable thing.
Leslie Basham: That's wise counsel from Holly Elliff. She's been talking with Nancy Leigh DeMoss about communication in marriage. It's something that every wife needs to learn which is why we hope every wife will order the Recipe for a Godly Marriage package.
It includes two books by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby, The Politically Incorrect Wife and How to Get Your Husband to Talk to You. These books will help you grow as a wife and love your husband in deeper ways. You can get the Recipe for a Godly Marriage package for a suggested donation of $20 by visiting www.ReviveOurHearts.com or calling 1-800-569-5959.
When you contact us, would you think about how you can help us call women to freedom, fullness and fruitfulness in Christ? Maybe you could pray, maybe you could help us with a financial gift.
We need both and are only on the air because of the support of our listeners. If you could help, would you let us know? Visit www.ReviveOurHearts.com and send an e-mail or send a note to Revive Our Hearts.
Tomorrow Nancy will continue with Holly Elliff and talk about what we can do when we become angry with our husbands. We hope you can be here for Revive Our Hearts.
Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is a ministry partnership of Life Action Ministries.
