Choosing Grace over Gossip

This episode contains portions from the following programs:

"Love Protects"

"God's Beautiful Design for Woman, Day 11"

"The Whispers of Miriam: Saying the Things We Really Mean"

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Dannah Gresh: Recently I posted something on social media that really blew up! It was this, I said: "I wish the church took gossip and slander as seriously as it does other sins that wound people. Because, let's be honest, these sins ruin reputations, divide communities, and grieve the heart of God."

I went on in my post to write: "I've been challenging myself to be more mindful of what I say, as of late, by using these three questions before I speak: Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said by me? Does it need to be said by me right now? Just because something is true doesn't mean it needs to be repeated."

Scripture says "let no corrupt talk come out of your mouths but only such as is good for building up." That's Ephesians 4:29.

Today I want to encourage you to be a woman who speaks life, not rumors; truth, not speculation; love not destruction. Let me say right up at the front, I am preaching to myself.

Hi, I’m Dannah Gresh, and you’re listening to Revive Our Hearts Weekend. 

We’re going to hear from Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth in a moment.

You know, sometimes pursuing Christlikeness means getting back to the basics. And because gossip is such a challenge for us women, I think that’s just what we need today. Up first is part of an episode I recorded with Staci Rudolph for True Girl, our podcast for seven–twelve year-old girls. Everything you’re about to hear is just as true and helpful for me and you. Let’s listen. 

Staci Rudolph: First Corinthians 13:7 says, “[Love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Dannah: Let’s focus on the first part: true love always protects.

Staci: Now, to help us understand what that means, can we take time out for a quick quiz?

Dannah: Pop quiz! I love it. Let’s do it!

Staci: Okay, on a previous episode of the True Girl podcast, we told you what language the New Testament of the Bible was originally written in. 

Dannah: Ah, yes! I remember. 

Staci: I want you to jump up and down in your seat and hoot and holler when I get to the right language. Was the New Testament written in Hebrew? Swahili? Martian? Or was it Greek? 

If you guessed Greek, you got it. 

Dannah: That’s right! It certainly wasn’t Martian. 

Well, last week we used the original Greek words to discover something really important. When the Bible says that “love is patient.” It means that love is “slow to boil.” Love doesn’t get boilin’ mad quickly! 

Staci: Yep! And for today’s verse, when it says “love always protects,” the original Greek would have sounded a little more like this: love always covers in silence. 

Dannah: Wow. Now, I’ve got to tell, you that’s not the first thing I think of when I think of protecting someone.

Staci: I know. It creates a really great word picture for us. It helps us to understand how we can protect our BFFs and other friends. 

Dannah: I’m just imagining covering my friends' big secrets in a super ginormous blanket of silence. 

Staci: Simply put, keep her secrets . . . well . . . secret. 

Dannah: Girls. Gossip isn't pretty.

Staci: Nope, it is not. It can be messy and cause a lot of hurt.

Dannah: Today’s story might teach us a good lesson on why gossiping is not good.

Staci: A man in a small village was a terrible gossip.He was always telling stories about his neighbor, and that always ended up in problems.

The man felt he could not control his urge to gossip. But he really didn't like the consequences of it either. He wanted to change, so he visited the village chief for advice.

The chief had very specific instructions. He promised he could help the man overcome his gossip. Here’s what the chief said:“Go to the market. There you must buy a fresh plump chicken. Bring it back to me as quickly as possible. Plucking off every single feather as you run, not one feather is to remain by the time you return to my hut.”

The man did as he was told. He went to the market and picked up a big plump chicken. Then he ran as fast as he could back to the chief, plucking feathers as fast and as furiously as he possibly could. 

When he arrived at the chief's hut, he was out of breath and out of feathers. He handed the bare chicken over to the chief.

The chief looked down at the naked chicken. Then he looked at the gossiper. And said:“Go back. Gather all the feathers, and bring them to me.”

“What? Are you crazy?” said the gossiping man. “That's impossible. The wind must've carried those feathers in every direction. I could never find them all.” 

The chief said, “That's true. And that's how it is with gossip. One rumor can fly to many corners. And how could you ever retrieve them all. It’s better not to speak gossip in the first place.” 

Then, the chief sent the man home to apologize to his neighbors and to repent. 

Dannah: Wow, that man learned a lesson and got a workout in at the same time! 

Staci: It’s true though. Once you say something, you cannot get it back. And it’s really easy to regret what you might let slip out.

Dannah: Yeah. Our tongues can be the hardest thing to keep from boiling over with anger.

Staci: Friend, know this: a true girl believes that real love doesn't gossip. 

Dannah: The Bible says that gossip separates close friends. And that’s true. I’ve seen it time and time again.

Staci: Me, too. I’ve experienced it. I lost a friend because of my gossiping before. We had a disagreement and instead of working it out between the two of us, I went to another friend and talked about my friend and all the trouble she was causing me. When word got back to my friend and she heard that, she was just super hurt and upset that I didn’t just come to her. 

Dannah: Aww. You know I have experienced a lot of sadness recently when a friend believed something about me that was untrue. Another person told her a lie, and she believed it. Sadly, my friend decided I could not come visit her anymore. I cried. I literally cried.

Listen, if someone tells you something about someone else, you should ask them this question: “Did you talk to that person about what you are going to tell me?” If the answer is “no.” You should tell them, “I think you should talk to them, not about them. If after that you need help approaching that person about something that is true, I will help you talk to them, but I don’t want to talk about them.” 

Staci: That is good advice. 

Dannah: If this sounds really hard, I’m going to tell you, it is! It takes incredible self-control to keep your lips zipped when you know a secret. Which is a good reminder that we cannot “cover a friend’s secret in silence” without the help of Jesus. His Spirit gives us self-control. So, if you’re feeling a little convicted—like I am—ask Jesus to forgive you, and then ask Him to give you self-control to keep your friend’s secrets.

Dannah: What a great conversation! Our target audience for the True Girl podcast is—well, here’s how our True Girl announcer, Claire, says it.

Claire Black: Welcome to True Girl, a podcast for girls and their moms.

Dannah: You know, Staci Rudoph and I talked about a word picture: covering a friend’s secret in silence, like a blanket. And that word picture isn’t just for girls. It’s for all of us. But I think we’re ready to take this concept one step further. Not only are we putting off gossip. We are putting on grace. Here’s Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth with a real-life example of what that looks like

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Many of you are familiar with the name Jonathan Edwards. You know that he was one of the men God used in a significant way in the First Great Awakening in the 1700s. He was a pastor and an author and a great thinker and revivalist.

His wife was Sarah Edwards, and you may have read or heard something about Sarah. She was the mother of their eleven children. In the introduction to the Works of Jonathan Edwards, which is a wonderful, huge, two-volume set, there’s a bio-sketch of Jonathan Edwards where it talks quite a bit about Sarah Edwards and her marriage to Jonathan.

One of the things that it says about Sarah struck me as I think about this whole issue of how we use our tongues. It said,

Sarah made it her rule to speak well of all so far as she could, with truth and justice to herself and others. She was not prone to dwell with delight on the imperfections and failings of any, and when she heard other people speaking ill of others, she would say what she thought she could with truth and justice in their excuse or divert the slander by mentioning those things that were commendable in them.

In other words, if she heard somebody saying something unkind about someone else, she would try and change the conversation or divert it or say something encouraging about that person.

It goes on to say,

Thus, Sarah was careful of everyone’s character, even of those who injured and spoke evil of her. She could bear injuries and reproach with great calmness, without any disposition to render evil for evil, but on the contrary, she was ready to pity and forgive those who appeared to be her enemies.

What a testimony! How would you like to have that said about you? What a commitment: to speak well of all. That’s what the Scripture says we should do.

Dannah: Sarah Edwards’s words were rooted in grace, not gossip. And ours can be, too. Here’s Nancy with more practical advice on how our speech needs to be full of grace.

Nancy: Not only do we need to put off all slander and evil speaking, we need to put on a heart and words of kindness and love and forgiveness and grace—not just put off the slander, but replace the slander with a heart of kindness and goodness and grace and love. "Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you" (Eph. 4:32). Be intentional about speaking words that edify, that build up, that put other people in a positive light.

Then, bring your thought life under the control of the Spirit—those critical, fault-finding thoughts that ultimately come out in our words. We need to crucify those thoughts; bring them captive to the obedience of Christ. We need to be intentional about seeing other people—especially other believers, and anybody that’s God’s creation—we need to be intentional about seeing others with eyes of mercy and grace. Remember how much you need God’s mercy. Remember where you would be without God’s grace. We need to be careful about having this unholy curiosity, a desire to know things about other people. Bring those thoughts captive, rein them in.

Psalm 19, "let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart [not just what I say, but what I think, Lord] be acceptable in Your sight, Oh Lord, my rock and my redeemer" (v. 14). Bring your thought life under the control of the Spirit.

Think before you speak. Ask yourself these kinds of questions:

Is it true?

Do I know for a fact that it’s true? That’s especially important. When you’re hearing about a conflict and you’re only hearing one side, remember that you’re only hearing one side. "He who answers a matter before he hears it, it’s a folly and a shame to him" (Prov. 18:13). You do not know all the facts if you’re only hearing one person describe the situation.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a husband describe what the frustration is about his marriage, and then I’ve heard the wife describe her frustrations about their marriage, and I think, These are two different marriages—two totally different perspectives. If you’re only listening to one side, you don’t know what you’re hearing is true, so don’t assume that it’s the whole picture.

• Is it true?
• Is it kind?
• Will it build up, will it edify the person of whom I’m speaking?
• Is it necessary?
• Does the person I’m talking to need to know this?
• If this were about me, would I want it shared with someone else?

Here’s one that would just cut out a lot of what we say:

Would I mind if the person I’m talking about were standing right here? Would I be willing to say it to their face?

Oh, that’s why the Psalmist prayed, "Set a guard, Oh Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! (141:3). Think before you speak.

Then number seven: Refuse to listen to slander or gossip about others. Refuse to listen to it. Not only to spread it, but to listen to it.

First Samuel 24, verse 9, David said to Saul, who was out to destroy him, "Why do you listen to the words of men who say ‘Behold, David seeks your harm.’?” Why do you listen to that? Saul listened to people who said that. He believed what he heard, and as a result, he set out to destroy David. Don’t listen to it. Steer the conversation to another topic, or turn it to build up the person who’s being talked about.

Now we need to let God take this matter home to our hearts and convict us and change us where needed. We talked about the word for slander being diabolos. It’s a word that is a name for Satan—Satan who accuses us before the Father, condemns us, lies about us. He accuses us.

But on the other hand we have one who advocates for us. "We have an advocate with the Father if anyone sins, Jesus Christ the Righteous" (1 John 2:1). You see, Jesus, like Satan, knows that we have sinned, yet He defends us before the Throne of God. He pleads our case before God on the basis of His sacrificial death on the cross for our sins.

So as you speak about other believers, are you accusing them as the devil does? Or are you advocating for them as Jesus does for you? Are you being like Jesus? Or are you being like Satan?

Dannah: Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth has been showing us how our Advocate, Jesus, has provided a way for our speech, for our words to be holy and life-giving, not destructive.

Erin Davis spoke about this on the podcast The Deep Well. She was teaching about Miriam, the sister of Moses and Aaron. Remember this scene? I’m reading from Numbers chapter 12. 

Miriam and Aaron criticized Moses because of the Cushite woman he married (for he had married a Cushite woman). They said, “Does the Lord speak only through Moses? Does he not also speak through us?” And the Lord heard it. (vv. 1–2)

Oh, the whisperings of Miriam and her brother Aaron!

Well, Erin Davis discussed it with Judy Dunagan and Staci Rudolph. Let’s listen in on their conversation as they debriefed about what Erin had just taught.

Judy Dunagan: Erin, one thing you said that also convicted my heart, in a good way though, was that gossip is disparaging others. Even if what you’re saying is true, it’s still gossip. I think, especially in the church, and also being that I was leader of women’s ministries, it was easy to see that happening. 

A lot of us—all of us; I own this too—you might be with a friend and say, “Oh, we need to pray for so and so.” But in the prayer request you’re sharing with someone else, it can be gossip. It could be something that other person asked you not to share or something you know they wouldn’t want others to know. I do think it’s something that in the body of Christ is probably too prevalent, that we can gossip. That’s where we’re not speaking life over someone, even if they’re not there. It’s words of death. So I think we need to turn to the Holy Spirit and ask Him to put a watch on our tongues. Thank you for saying that, because sometimes when we think, Well, it’s true, what I’m saying, so it’s not gossip! Well, that’s a lie, right?

Erin: Yes. We have a hard time defining gossip, because if we really defined it as what it is, so much would fall under that category. We maybe wouldn’t have much to say to each other. “It’s not gossip if it’s true,” that’s one I’ve heard and said. Or, “They wouldn’t mind me sharing it,” without really knowing if they would mind or not; or all these things that we add to it.

It’s an old cliché, but would you say that if Jesus was standing right there with you? Well no, none of us would say anything; we’d be lying on our faces in worship, and that’s not a terrible posture to be in. So if the plumb line is, “I’m only going to speak life,” we will probably talk less, but our words will be so much more of a blessing.

Staci: I really liked, too, when you said, “When I sin, my first reaction is to usually sin again,” in terms of getting reactive or defensive. I was just like, Huh. It made me step back and take a look at myself. I’m like, “Do I do that?” I think what I notice about myself is that I actually tend to switch into victim mode. I’m like, “You didn’t want me to say that? I didn’t know you didn’t want me to say that!” It’s kind of like, “You didn’t tell me . . .” Oh, that’s terrible! when you really stop and think about it.

Erin: Deflect?

Staci: Yes! So that was really interesting when you said that.

Erin: I don’t know that I’d call deflecting a sin. I mean, God’s the one who defines sin, not me. But I do think anytime we want to put someone else under the bus so we’re not the only one under the bus, then we’re not using our words to speak life.

Staci: Right.

Erin: One of my boys in particular (my poor sons, I broadcast all the things they do on this podcast) . . . One of my sons in particular, when he is caught saying something that he shouldn’t, he instantly uses all of those! He’s going to deflect; he’s going to defend; he’s going to get angry. We will frequently say to him, “Buddy, what do you do when you’re in a hole?” 

He will say, “Stop digging,” because he will just dig himself deeper and deeper and deeper with his words. He probably learned it from his mama. So I think we use all kinds of different things to try to not look squarely at the fact that, “No, I just spoke death over somebody with my words.” They can cause real harm.

Staci: Erin, let me ask you this. What consequences do you think we experience as a result of gossip that we might not recognize as readily as, say, being struck with leprosy like Miriam was when she was talking about Moses? What do you think we kind of miss in terms of God punishing us in that way?

Erin: I actually think the harsher punishment that Miriam received was being cast out of the family of God. We experience versions of that. We’re not cast out, but there’s a fracture of intimacy.

When you’re talking bad about somebody, that is going to fracture your intimacy, whether or not you get caught. It is going to fracture your intimacy with them, and it’s not just your intimacy with that person, it’s sin, and holy God cannot tolerate sin. So then there is a gap between you and God because there’s some repentance that you need to do.

We’ve been sinners our whole lives, sinners since the time our mothers conceived us. So we are, I think, accustomed to that. Sometimes we don’t even recognize it as punishment, but when fellowship is broken, when intimacy is severed between us and others and us and God, it’s a very real, very painful consequence. It should cause alarm bells to go off. We should be going, “I need to repent because I want to repair. I want to come back together.”

We don’t see it in Scripture, we don’t see Miriam going to Moses and repenting to Moses, but there needed to be some relational repair that happened after she came back to camp, and we should be eager to pursue that in our Christian relationships especially.

Staci: I thought it was really interesting when you said that what we say about someone says more about how we see God than how we actually see that person we’re talking about. I thought that was deep.

Erin: I can’t believe I said that, because it is deep. It’s not something that we think of. We talk all day long—especially the three of us here, we’re communicators. I don’t know that I pause to think about how all of that communication reflects on my true feelings about God. So I’m going to have to take that one home, even though you said I said it!

Staci: Even though you said it!

Judy: Erin, I loved when you said whispers start in our heart, and we can say that about gossip. For Miriam and Aaron, it was all about envy, jealousy, and even insecurity. Along those lines, you said that we forget two important things when we gossip or think negatively of people. That is: that all people are made by and in the image of God, and also that all people are deeply loved by God. 

That is, I think, an incredible thing to keep in mind whenever we’re tempted to gossip, because sometimes we want to gossip about people who wound us deeply. You think you’re just sharing with a friend who loves you unconditionally, and you just share that story. Now, I tend to do that probably more than I want to admit. But you also said we’re on the same team as Christ-followers. There are no bench-warmers. Oh, do we need to hear that today!

Tell me more about what you meant by there being no bench-warmers when it comes to the body of Christ.

Erin: I’ll sometimes be in a group of women, whether I’m teaching or whether we’re just together, and this thought will arrest my heart: I’m going to be with these women for eternity. I am never going to escape these women. These are my family forever and ever—assuming they’re Christian women.

That eternal perspective keeps me from momentary lapses—not always. We’ve all admitted we struggle with this, which is why we’re talking about it so much. But that eternal perspective keeps me from temporary lapses. I’m like, Do I really want to cause damage in a relationship with a person I’m going to be with for eternity?There are no bench-warmers! Paul didn’t give us that analogy. In 1 Corinthians Paul gave us a very different analogy of the same idea, which is that we’re all parts of the same body. I’m fond of saying there’s no spleen in the kingdom. There’s no body part that you can take out and still function normally. We need all of it.

That sister in Christ (again, I’m only talking about those of us who are in Christ; our relationships with each other should look differently than people who aren’t in Christ) . . . Your sister in Christ that is really grating on your nerves, according to Scripture (maybe not according to your feelings, but according to Scripture), she’s essential to the mission of spreading the gospel and discipling believers.

You mentioned woundedness. I don’t exactly know where the sweet spot is here, Judy, because when people wound us, sometimes we do need to speak honestly about those wounds and those hurts. We can’t always cushion it with saying nice things about somebody. If somebody has sinned against us—and some people are actually wicked—so I’m not saying don’t ever talk about somebody, ever. But I do think you’ll frame it differently in the realization that this person, even though they’ve wounded me, is made in the image of God. This person, even though they may be wicked, is deeply loved by Jesus; He went to the cross to prove that. 

If this person is in Christ, that doesn’t mean we stop being sinners (unfortunately, we continue to be sinners until Jesus comes for us, even though we’re growing), but if this person is in Christ, they are an essential member of the team (team Jesus). But it probably should be your baseline. That baseline understanding when we think and talk about people is that they are made in the image of God, they are loved, and they are essential. That makes me be quiet. There are a lot of things I don’t need to say with all of that in mind.

Staci: That’s a game-changer. Honestly, when you think about it that way, that our relationships, if the person is in Christ, they’re eternal. It makes you want to foster those relationships in a different way, in a more considerate and delicate way.

Erin: Yes.

Staci: That’s challenging for me—in a good way.

Erin: Me too.

Dannah: It’s all about our perspective, isn’t it? And extending the same grace to others that Christ has extended to us. That’s Erin Davis, with Staci Rudolph, and Judy Dunagan, helping us fight the tendency in our hearts toward gossip. 

Remember, it won’t help to just try not to gossip. You’ve got to address it on the heart level. You need the love of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit to change you from the inside out. 

You’ll find links to more of that conversation, plus the other source material for this episode, when you go to ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend and select today’s program. It’s called "Choosing Grace over Gossip."

Also, check out the resource The Power of Words. Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth wrote this four-week Bible study to help you explore this topic further. In this booklet, she guides you through many of the Proverbs that have to do with your tongue, your speech, your words. 

Here in July, The Power of Words is our thank-you gift to you for your donation of any amount. Again, the details are linked at ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend. Just tap on this episode, "Choosing Grace over Gossip." 

Next week on this program, we’re staying on this theme of our words, and we’ll talk about speaking the truth . . . to ourselves. That’s key, because it’s easy to listen to our own deceptive hearts, rather than speaking God’s truth to them. More about that next week.

Thanks for listening today. I’m Dannah Gresh. We’ll see you next time for Revive Our Hearts Weekend.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

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