Episode 2: Leah: Longings We Are Afraid to Express

Staci Rudolph: Erin Davis has an important question for you.

Erin Davis: Is your prayer life honest? Do you tell God what you really fear, what you really long for, what your heart most craves? You can, you know.

Judy Dunagan: This is The Deep Well with Erin Davis. I’m Judy, and we’re in a season called “Whispers.”

Staci: And I’m Staci. What are you whispering to your own heart, and what are you whispering to God? Those whispers are powerful. Erin’s here to explain.

Erin: 

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait ’til tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs; dust, go to sleep;
I’m rocking my baby, and babies don’t keep.
(“Babies Don’t Keep” by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton)

I remember my mom saying that little poem when I was a little girl, and then when I started having babies of my own, she’d always move in with my husband and I for a week or two to help me. She’d say that little poem to her grandsons over and over as she rocked them and looked at their little faces.

It is true that my mom warned me, but I was too sleep-deprived to listen to her, because those moonlit moments in the middle of the night, when all is silent except the creak, creak, creak of my rocking chair as I rock my babies—those days are over now. Man, do I miss them!

But I look at those memories, those nighttime memories, and they have such a sweet patina. I loved being close to my children in that way, but what I also remember about those middle-of-the-night feedings was just how easy it was to talk to God, because no one else was listening. Just Him. I could pour my heart right out.

You’re listening to The Deep Well, and I’m calling this series “Whispers.” It’s all about the power of a word softly spoken, and we’re still going to be in Genesis. We’re going to peek into the nursery of Leah. We find it in Genesis 29.

I have to give you the background. We’re introduced to Leah just a little bit earlier in the chapter, and here is how Leah’s name is etched into the eternal Word of God, Genesis 29:16–17. 

Now Laban had two daughters. The name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah’s eyes were weak, but Rachel was beautiful in form and appearance.

Oh, man! One sister is described as beautiful, the other sister, Leah, apparently not. If you know this story, then you know it got a lot worse for Leah than just having weak eyes. Jacob agreed to work for Laban (Leah’s dad) for seven years to earn the hand of Rachel—very romantic, except that Laban tricked him, that rascal, into marrying and sleeping with Leah instead. Salt meet wound. Then, Jacob married Rachel, too.

Now, I want to give a side note here to say that yes, there are examples of polygamy in Scripture, but no, there are not examples of that going well. God’s design, that we see early in Genesis, is one man and one woman.

So, let’s try to see this account through Leah’s weak eyes. She’s not the beautiful sister, and you know she knows it. Everybody knows it. She was forced by her father to marry a man who did not love her, and you know she knows it too, and you know everyone knows it.

Even after they are married and she experiences the intimacy with him that God has designed to happen in marriage, she knows he doesn’t really desire her. He thought he was with her sister the whole time!

Verse 25 says this: “And in the morning, behold, it was Leah!” He thought he was married to and making love to one woman, and the sun comes up in the morning, and he’s with a different woman.

Now, Jacob did not hear the chorus “Love the One You’re With.” He marched right over to Leah’s daddy and demanded that he still got to marry Rachel. Think about that from Leah’s perspective. The morning after her wedding, her husband is mad, and he’s made it clear she’s not the one he wants. Talk about rejection.

Now, verse 30 brings more heartbreak for Leah. It says, “So Jacob went in to Rachel also, and he loved Rachel more than Leah. And he served Laban for another seven years.”

Again, this seems romantic if you’re looking at it through the eyes of Rachel, or maybe even Jacob. But for Leah, it means the death of romance ever. She’s married to a man who does not want her. And by the way, he’s also married to her sister. She was unattractive and unloved. 

Where could Leah turn? Well, she could turn to the same place you and I can turn to when we are the ones who are rejected, when we are left out, when we are less than, when we are lonely, when we feel ugly, when we’re underappreciated, when we’re not the one somebody wants. We can turn to God.

There’s a name that we get for God just a few chapters earlier, in Genesis 16:13. It’s really an extension of Sarah’s story that we talked about in the last episode, but the name for God that we get in Genesis 16:13 is El Roi, “the God who sees me” or “the God of seeing.” 

The Bible doesn’t say that Leah prayed for God to see her. It doesn’t tell us that Leah prayed to make her husband love her. But woman to woman, I’m convinced she did, because there are no atheists in fox-holes, and when we’re desperate something inside of us does cry out to God for help.

In the cultural context that you and I live, we live in a rights-based culture. We feel entitled to demand our rights, usually loudly. But Leah did not live in a rights-based culture. As a female, she didn’t have any rights. So we’d be looking at an ancient story through a modern lens to think that Leah had voiced her concerns to her husband—who, by the way, did not love her as much as he loved his other wife—or that she stomped over to Laban and demanded that he do something. Laban tricked a man into marrying her so that he could get seven more years of free labor. 

I don’t think it’s a right assumption to think that she went to her sister with her concerns, because her sister was sleeping with the same man she was.

But there is one we can turn to when we feel like we have no one to turn to. God was watching Leah.

Listen to verse 31. “When the LORD saw that Leah was hated He opened her womb, but Rachel was barren.” While God did not see fit to give Leah a husband who chose her first or a father who protected her dignity, He did see fit to give her a baby, and this is where the whispering began.

In the last episode I wanted us to think about, what do we whisper? What do we say in our heart of hearts about God’s promises? In this episode, I’m going to build on that. I want you to think about this: What is it that you whisper about your deepest longings?

I want to pick up Leah’s story in verse 32. 

And Leah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Reuben, for she said, "Because the LORD has looked upon my affliction; for now my husband will love me."

I want you to try to picture it. Leah’s in the delivery room. After hours of labor without anesthetic, a baby cries, and the midwife puts him on Leah’s chest. She names him, and then she whispers a prayer.

She named him Reuben, and the footnote in my Bible says that Reuben means “see.” Who did she want to be able to see? Well, her husband, Jacob. And what did she want him to see? She wanted him to see her.

I know enough about the lives of women to know that if any group of women is listening to this podcast, some of you know what it’s like to be married to a man who doesn’t see you. You know the grief of that. Or maybe it’s a father; maybe it’s somebody at work. They just look right past you. You’re not worth their attention.

So they put that baby on her chest, she named him a name that means “see,” and she whispered, “Now my husband will love me.”

I’m always thinking about you when I write these episodes. I’m always trying to imagine what your life is like, what you might be experiencing as you listen to this, what you need to hear from God’s Word that I could offer as a way to strengthen your walk with Him. As I’ve been reading Leah’s story, I’ve wondered, What is that thing that you long for deeply but you would never tell another person?

Maybe, like Leah, it’s that your husband would love you. Or maybe it’s that you would love him. Maybe it’s like Sarah, who we talked about in the first episode, that you would conceive a child. Maybe your deepest longing is that you could just experience one day without feeling so sad. Maybe it’s that you could look in the mirror and not hate everything you see, from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. Maybe, like a really dear friend of mine, your deepest longing is that your grown daughter would just speak to you again. It’s been years since you’ve heard her voice.

I probably could make an endless list, and even if I made an endless list of my deepest longings, I wouldn’t probably know your deepest longings. 

Now, again, the Bible doesn’t say that Leah whispered. I’m taking some creative license there. But I wanted to put her story in this series because I do think that we have whisper-longings, things we can’t even bring ourselves to say out loud with the full volume of our voice, but we can’t let go of them either. What I want you to see in Leah’s story is that the right place to direct those longings is the God who sees you.

Listen to Isaiah 26:16. Now, this is about the nation of Judah. 

O LORD, in distress they sought you; they poured out a whispered prayer when your discipline was on them. 

A whispered prayer. I just love that phrase! In the book of Isaiah it is a prayer whispered under discipline. It had to be something like, “Forgive us! Save us! Deliver us!”

In Leah’s case, they were the words whispered when she looked at her newborn baby and longed to share a sweet moment with her husband. The birth of my sons was four of the very best moments I’ve ever shared with my husband, Jason. There was intimacy there. There was shared joy. There was shared sweetness as we saw those little faces for the first time. But Leah didn’t have that. Leah knew that Jacob didn’t feel the same way about her that she felt about him.

Those whisper prayers didn’t stop. Listen to verse 33. 

She conceived again and bore a son and said, "Because the LORD has heard that I am hated, he has given me this son also." And she called his name Simeon.

Now, something has shifted slightly in Leah’s heart. Simeon sounds like the Hebrew word for “heard.” Remember, Reuben means “see”; she wanted her husband to see her. Simeon means “heard”; she wanted her husband to hear her heart.

Have you ever had the experience where someone you love deeply and know intimately just can’t seem to understand what you’re going through or what you’re trying to explain? Of course you have. It’s part of being a broken person in a broken world. And Leah still has this deep longing to be seen, heard, understood. But this time, she doesn’t just whisper that she wants her husband to love her. Look at that verse again, verse 33: “Because the Lord has heard that I am hated . . .” 

Maybe she named him “heard” because she knew God heard her whispers, but maybe she meant something else. Was it Jacob that hated Leah? Probably not. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. I actually think it was Rachel, her sister, who had all of Jacob’s love but no baby of her own. Fractured relationships often lead to whispered prayers.

I was with my Bible study group just last week, and we were talking about God’s care in our lives. I said, “Where do you most need Jesus’ care this week?” I gave a multiple-choice answer: “Is it emotionally? Is it physically? Is it spiritually? Or is it relationally?” A hundred percent of them said they most needed God to intervene, to give care, in their human relationships. It’s those strains that we can’t fix on our own that lead us to whisper these longings. 

Maybe Leah named her baby Simeon because she wanted her sister to hear her side of the story. We don’t know, but as a woman, can’t you just feel Leah’s longing to be heard, to be close to her sister, to have a friend, to be treasured? We all have those longings.

My children are really good at demanding that those desires are met. I think particularly of our three-year-old. When he needs Mom’s and Dad’s attention, he lets us know. But as we get older, I think we just stop sounding the alarm. My journal is filled with whisper prayers that sound so much like Leah’s story, longings that I’ve long stopped telling other people about, but that I can’t shake either.

Let’s keep reading in verse 34. 

Again she conceived and bore a son, and said, "Now this time my husband will be attached to me, because I have borne him three sons." Therefore his name was called Levi.

Man, I know this longing. It’s that we will not be abandoned. Can’t you feel the shift in Leah as these prayers are recorded? Here it’s like, “If he’s not going to love me, at least I hope he won’t leave me, that he’ll feel some sort of attachment, some loyalty to me!” In fact, that’s what Levi means; it sounds like the Hebrew word for “attached.”

We have all of Leah’s longings for security, and to know we’re not going to be left behind or abandoned. In fact, I think it’s one of our deepest, most personal longings. We’re afraid our parents will cut us out. We’re afraid our children will stop speaking to us. We’re afraid our spouse will divorce us. We’re afraid our boss is going to fire us. There’s one that we don’t dare say out loud. We worry, in our heart of hearts, that God is going to leave us.

I can’t help but think again of my children. When they’re really little, under age two, and both Mom and Dad have to go out for a little while, to go on a date or something, those little ones are afraid. They don’t know Mom and Dad are coming back. They haven’t yet discovered object permanence, that just because they can’t see something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. There’s a little Daniel Tiger song that we’ve sung to our boys: “Grown-ups come back,” and it’s just the idea that, “Buddy, Mommy and Daddy are just going to be gone for a little while, but we’re going to come back.”

We have that fear about God, deep in our broken hearts; that He’s going to abandon us; that He’s going to get sick of us; that His forgiveness is going to run out; that He’s going to squash us; that He’s going to sentence us to hell. Humanly speaking, that is a justified worry. He is holy and we are not, and He’s been very clear about the fact that our sin deserves death. But when we have that worry that God is going to abandon us, lose His attachment to us (to connect it to what Leah said), Jesus does not whisper His response.

Let me read you John 10:27–30. 

My sheep hear my voice and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.

He’s telling us, “You’re double-protected, guys. You’re in my hands, and nobody can take you out of there, not even yourself. And you’re in the Father’s hands, and nobody can rip you from His hands, either.”

These are the things that Leah whispered as she rocked those baby boys. “Now my husband will love me. God has seen that I am hated. Now Jacob will be attached to me.” I can picture her whispering that into little ears that might have looked a lot like the ears of the husband who didn’t choose her. Leah whispered the things her heart most craved, her deepest longings.

I guess my question is, do you? Is your prayer life honest? Do you tell God what you really fear, what you really long for, what your heart most craves? You can, you know.

Listen to Psalm 38:9. 

O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from You. 

I find the King James Version of that verse so comforting: “Lord, all my desire is before Thee, and my groaning is not hid from Thee.”

I read Leah’s story and think, That’s the heart of it. We had to have the backdrop to see it. We needed to know that she wasn’t as pretty as her sister, or as loved, in order to be amazed that the Lord heard her deepest longings, and He cared about them when nobody else did.

Knowing that—knowing that God was listening and watching and attentive to those deep aches in her heart—slowly but surely, that transformed who Leah was.

In verse 35 we get one final peek into the whispers of Leah. 

And she conceived again and bore a son and said, ‘This time I will praise the Lord.’ Therefore she called his name Judah. Then she ceased bearing.

As she rocked the baby of the family, her desires had clearly shifted. The attention of her husband was no longer her biggest concern. I’m sure she still longed for him to look at her in tet way that men who are madly in love with their wives look. But that wasn’t what she was whispering about. Nor was it the understanding of her sister, although I’m sure she wanted to be connected to her sister. But her longings had changed. She just wanted to use her life to praise God. That’s what she said! She said, “This time I will praise the Lord.”

Over time, our longings change. Now, some of that just happens with age. Our biggest, shiniest dreams tend to lose their luster. But I think it can be a lot deeper than that. When we surrender our longings to the Lord, He changes the longings, because He changes us.

Listen to Psalm 37:3-4. 

Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. 

That’s verse 3. I feel like that’s what Leah did. Though wracked with deep longings and very real disappointments, she stayed put, faithful to Jacob, faithful to her children, faithful to Yahweh. Then verse 4 of Psalm 37 says, 

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

When I was a brand-new Christian as a fifteen-year-old girl, I loved this verse. I put it on my binders for school, I hung it up on the mirror in my bathroom. It was “my” verse. But I thought it meant one thing, that if I loved Jesus, if I really loved Jesus, that He was going to grant me my deepest longings.

But either this passage isn’t true, or that isn’t what it means, because there will always be things that we desire this side of heaven. A lot of them are really good things—things like a husband or a certain opportunity or a healed body or world peace or peace in a certain relationship or . . . we could go on forever. But, as Leah discovered, and as I know now after twenty-five years of walking with the Lord, God is not a genie. Even if we really, really love Him, and even if He is our delight, and even if we serve Him with our days, every day of our lives, He’s not in the business of granting our every wish.

So what does that psalm mean? I think it means that when God is our delight, our deepest desires shift.

Lately, I’ve been saying a lot and been really drawn to the idea that whatever we delight in we are devoted to. When we delight in Jesus, we are devoted to Him; and when we are devoted to Him, our wants align with His wants.

I’m grateful Leah’s story is preserved in Scripture for us, because through her story, we get to see that this progression is true. As Leah kept whispering her longings to the Lord, as she kept surrendering them, He changed her. She wanted the things of this world—even really good things, like a loving husband and a sister who’s a friend—she wanted those things less and less, and she wanted her life to give God glory more and more.

God knows what you want. God knows what you need. Whatever you are longing for, I want you to take it to Jesus, even if you can only whisper it.

I leave you with Psalm 107:8–9 as a prayer and as my hope for you. 

Let them thank the LORD for His steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! For He satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he feels with good things.”

Staci: Erin has been helping you search your own heart. What things are you longing for? What are the quiet desires of your heart? 

This teaching is part of a season here on The Deep Well called “Whispers.” It’s a six-part series all about the powerful words women sometimes whisper.

Judy: All the episodes are available now, so you can listen at your own pace. If you’re getting a lot out of Erin’s teaching, which I’m sure you are, let your friends know about The Deep Well.

Erin Unscripted

Staci: It’s time for Erin Unscripted!

Okay, Erin, I have a question for you. I’m getting deep here, okay? Here we go. Are your prayers honest? Would you say that you shoot straight with God, you let Him know how you’re feeling? Are you good at that?

Erin: I don’t know that much of what I say or do is totally honest. I am recently learning this about myself. I’m not a liar, but I hate disappointing people, so I hedge my bets always. I hold back a lot because I’m worried that they’ll be disappointed. I mean, even on the simple things, like, “Would you like to go to Taco Bell for dinner?” I’m like, “Well . . . uh . . . I don’t know . . . .” So I think I definitely carry that over in my relationship with the Lord.

This might be flipped for what it is with some people, but my auditory prayers—what I say out loud with my lips or what I even think in my heart—I think I hold back. But when I have a pen in my hand and my journal open—who I am when I write is who I really am. So if you could (I probably wouldn’t let you), butt if you could read my years’ worth of prayer journals to the Lord, you would see a very, very honest version of me. I think that might be the only place that I really lay it all bare, is in that journal before the Lord.

Staci: Judy, what about you?

Judy: Well, I’d have to say the same, Erin. I’m wondering if we’re related. I love to journal my prayers and pour out my heart, and then I can look back and see how He answered or even just how I cried out to Him. But I know my prayers have become more honest over the years.

I find, too, when I’m driving alone in the car that if I pray out loud, I can just really pour out my heart that way. I tend to have my mind wander when I pray quietly, so I have to either write or pray out loud, and I can keep my thoughts captive and truly pray.

What about you, Staci?

Staci: Oh, you’re turning it back on me! I would say I’m getting better at it, but I notice that I’m so quick to think I’m being ungrateful, or when I have these things I want to bring to God I’m like, Is this really that important? Is this really that serious? So I’ve been noticing that I really diminish my prayers in a way trying not to be irreverent or I just don’t want to seem ungrateful. That’s something that God has been convicting me of, reminding me that He’s big enough. He’s big enough to handle my sadness and the honest things that I want to bring to Him.

Erin: Staci, that reminds me of something I saw on social media. Occasionally we see good things on there, right? It was an adult, but he had a picture of this note that his dad had written when he was a child. The note said, 

Put this in your drawer, and anytime there’s something that you are afraid to tell me because you’re afraid I’ll be mad at you, bring this note to me. This is our signal that I am on your team. 

I intend to do that with my own boys; I haven’t actually done it.

God had given us the note. His Word is clear. Does He sometimes get angry? Yes. Is He angry at sin? For sure. But He describes Himself as a merciful God, so we don’t have to hold back. I’m saying that even after my confession that I often do, but He’s proven He wants to hear the real desires of our hearts, however messy they might be.

Judy: Right, and I think if you think about, how if you’re a mom, that’s what you want your children to do. I had a friend once who had really left the Lord and wandered from Him and was hoping to come back, and He was softening her heart. She met with me and poured out her heart, and I said, “Why not just run to Him?”

It was almost like she said, “No, I really need to clean myself up a little bit. I haven’t been in the Word; I haven’t been praying.” It’s almost like that good Christian girl to-do list she thought she had to do before she could really be honest with the Lord.

I asked her, because she was a mom (I think she had a six-year-old), “If your daughter came up to you and said, ‘Mom, I just need you to hold me. I’m really sad,’ would you say, ‘Well, go get yourself cleaned up and come back and I’ll pick you up and hold you’”? No, you wouldn’t! So why do we think our God would do that when we run to Him with our honest prayers?

Erin: Sweet picture.

Staci: I think, too, one thing I’ve been realizing is that when I don’t bring my prayers to God, it allows the false things I believe about Him to be affirmed. It’s like I’m not giving Him a chance to show who He is, because I’m just kind of stopping that line of connection right there. How can I ever see Him be faithful? Well, He’s going to be faithful regardless of what I do or what I think, but I can never see Him act if I never even give Him a chance to act in my life.

Erin: I’m going to have to think about that for a while. That’s profound. Give Him a chance to show who He is.

Judy: Erin, I had a question for you. You mentioned Psalm 37:4 that says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I loved what you said, but I wondered if you could unpack that a little more? I think that verse is often used almost like people think it’s a promise that God’s going to give them anything they desire. You talked about how He changes the desires of your heart as you delight yourself more in Him. What does that look like, do you think?

Erin: Yes. I came to Jesus as a fifteen-year-old, so picture a fifteen-year-old and all that encompasses that season of life—big emotions, big feelings, big dreams. I came to Jesus in the midst of that. I had what I think was called the Teen Bible. It had neon letters on the front. (I’m dating yourself. You’re going to be able to figure out when I was a teenager.) I immediately had a hunger for the Word, and that verse was one I just latched onto, like you said, Judy, as if it was a promise. I was a new believer. I didn’t have the foundation to really understand how to interpret Scripture, and I thought, Okay, this means now that I’m a Christian, He’s going to give me what I want.

There was a boy whom I liked very much. In fact, I would call him my first love. We were dating, and very soon after I came to Jesus, he broke up with me. I was heartbroken. You girls remember the heartbreak of teenage breakups? Nothing hurts worse, I don’t think. I just held onto that verse and thought, Okay, I’m delighting in Jesus. This boy’s going to take me back. We’re going to get married. He’s going to give me this desire. And, He didn’t. That’s not how it worked. He didn’t give me the boy; He gave me Himself. I learned that in baby steps—it wasn’t an epiphany. I still wanted the boy to ask me back out for a long time, but I learned in baby steps, I’m not sure that’s what this means, because I do believe God is real. I do believe He loves me, and the situation isn’t working out. That’s been repeated over and over in many different ways.

I remember there was a job I wanted so badly, and I made it several steps into the interview process, and then I didn’t get the job. I remember sitting at my table just like, Ah! But I delight in You, Lord! Why didn’t I get this job?

It could be any number of things. But over and over, He’s given me the delight. He hasn’t given me the thing; He’s given me the delight. That’s changed my desires. So it does mean what it says, but I think with maturity the meaning changes in our own hearts. Has that been your experience, Judy?

Judy: Yes, definitely. There have been many seasons in my life where I thought if I do certain things as a follower of Christ, I’ll get the desires of my heart, and I didn’t. And yet, as you delight yourself in Him, especially the Word . . . I remember the Word was almost giving me my next breath during that season that I shared in the first episode about our family going through so much; just dwelling in the Word. I began to delight in Him in different ways, and it wasn’t about Him bringing good things into my life, but it was about Him never leaving or forsaking me and being an ever present help. I think that’s so important for us as Christ-followers, to be able to speak that over others. There’s a lot of teaching out there—the whole prosperity movement—“If you do this, you’ll get this.” That’s not who our God is. He’s not a genie in a bottle.

Erin: Yes.

Staci: Yes, that’s a very transactional view of God.

Erin: Yes, for sure. I have to say, the boy I did end up vowing to love and cherish ’til death do us part is so much better for me than that boy I was praying for at fifteen! So I’m glad He’s not a genie, because had He given me that desire, I wouldn’t have the beautiful life I have today.

Staci: It was so good hearing you bring that verse up, too, because I definitely have changed how I see that verse. I see it more true, the way you were just saying. But it is hard, too; at this season in my life. I am single. So it’s one of those things where yes, marriage is something I hope that the Lord has in store for me. If He doesn’t, that’s fine. I trust His plans. But it’s just so hard to know exactly if my desires are kind of shifting as He grows me. You get what I’m saying? It can get sticky, because being married is a good thing, it lines up with the Word of God; it just may not be for me now. So I’m like, am I walking in what I desire still, or is this really what God may desire? It’s that pull of, it lines up with the Word, so it is a desire that God probably wants, but just maybe not at this time.

Erin: That’s part of why I wanted you on this season of the podcast, because a lot of times we hear, “Oh, I had this desire, I prayed; God gave me something better.” I just told that story. Your story is, you still don’t have the husband. You’re still not even dating the man who could be your husband. It’s still a big question mark.

I think for Leah that was true too. I don’t know that her husband ever loved her in the way she wanted him to, so how do you wrestle through that daily? I’m sure you get invited to lots of weddings and have that ache still. What’s the whisper that comes out?

Staci: It’s so funny, because I had another friend, and she was like, “If I am in another wedding I am going to . . .” And I’m like, “I haven’t been in any weddings! I don’t go to a lot of weddings.” So my best friend is actually newly engaged, and she’s getting married next year. She just asked me to be her bridesmaid. I’m like, “Oh, this is a new area of that whole”—not struggle, because I don’t struggle a ton. But it’s that whole season of, “Oh, I’m standing next to someone who’s taking the step forward that I hope to take one day.” 

So I think it will be interesting. I’m excited and a little scared, because I know it is going to bring a bit of sadness in some areas. But it’s a sadness that’s going to push me closer to God, just trusting in what He has for me. So I’m really excited to see what God is going to do as I help her get ready for her wedding and enjoy it with her.

Another thing that came to mind as far as talking about Leah (it kind of relates to singleness again) is just how she was feeling unwanted by her husband and not as wanted as Rachel was by him. Sometimes being a single girl in the church, it can kind of feel that way as well. It kind of feels like you’re in this constant season of aspiration, just aspiring to be married. That’s what your “end goal” is.

I feel like sometimes the church can (not intentionally) treat you that way a little bit, like you haven’t arrived quite yet. It’s like they will cheer for you once you do have the husband and you do have the kids and you’re on that next level. That’s something I’ve been talking to God about a little more, just as far as being the change I want to see in the church and helping singles and coming alongside of them and helping them grow in that season, and helping them see that season as a time to connect more with God, not just to wait. You know?

Erin: That’s so helpful. As a Bible teacher, I’m going to put that in my pocket, because I do think we sometimes add as an afterthought, “ and if you’re not married, and if you’re not a mom . . .” It’s a less-than approach or a less-than application. So I appreciate the coaching there, Staci.

Judy: Yes, I love what you said about being an agent of change. I’m wondering if that’s going to be part of the calling on your life, if it isn’t already, because of your own story. You’re so right about that. I remember when I headed up women’s ministries, I met with a lot of single women, and they really felt like the church was failing them. They didn’t feel like they had a place. And like you said, “Once you get married, then you can do all these things in the church.” I think the church has grown in that, but there’s much more work to be done, for sure.

Erin: Well, if Leah teaches us anything (and she teaches us many things), she had the husband, she had the kids, she had the house (I’m assuming, or tent, whatever it was), and it didn’t mean everything was perfect. It didn’t mean she didn’t have desires. So let her be a poster child for us, for some of those things that you’re saying, Staci.

If you’re in that spot and you feel like a Leah, you feel like, I want something so badly that I can think of nothing else, I would just encourage you to, as we’ve been saying, be honest with God about that. But also, He is to be our greatest longing. I often think of that verse where it tells us to “seek first the kingdom of God . . . and all these things will be added to [us].” 

Well, what are the things? I don’t know. Your things are probably different than my things are, but when I seek first the kingdom, meaning when Jesus is my greatest desire, I often have to put one foot in front of the other. My heart follows my actions; my heart follows my obedience. But when I seek first the kingdom, when I seek first Jesus, when I seek first to be filled by His Word, when I seek first to glorify Him with my life, those other things . . . It’s not that the desire instantly goes away, but they just fall into alignment. I can say, “If I never get whatever it is, I’m okay, because I have Jesus, and in Him I have everything else.” 

So I would point you to the sufficiency of Christ and ask you (I can’t answer this question for you, this is between you and the Holy Spirit), is that thing that you’re desiring, is it out of order? Do you right now desire it more than you desire Jesus, more than you desire his coming kingdom, more than you desire to be filled by His Word? Then just ask Him to shift your priorities. He’ll do it. He’s so faithful.

Judy: Erin, one thing I really found fascinating in your teaching was when you talked about Leah’s naming the boys and the meaning of her sons’ names. The first was Reuben, and it means “see.” The longing of her heart was she wanted to be seen. Then Simeon, I think you said it meant “heard,” and she just wanted to be heard, whether it was from her sister or her husband. Then Levi, “attached,” and the fear that her husband would leave her. How we can go there with our God, that we’re afraid He’s going to abandon us.

What was so interesting is, those first few names were all about her—her longings. Then she turned, and it was all about Him. That kind of ties into the verse, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart,” or He’ll change the desires of your heart. 

I think through all that pain—what a lonely place to be in a marriage and your husband and your sister have the true love story! I think it’s one of the hardest stories for a woman’s heart in Scripture. It’s such a lonely place, but God was obviously faithful to her, even in all those years of giving birth and raising all those sons. I really love her story, and I think women can take that story as a hope for them with their deep longings that they have, and sorrows. Just keep going to Him, and He can turn your sorrows into praise.

Erin: Absolutely. We sometimes will—rightfully so—cast a shadow over what can be called “name it claim it” theology. But God named things, and His people sometimes name things, as a statement of who He is. 

The little farm we live on I call Jubilee Farm. There’s not a big sign that says Jubilee Farm, but the story of how we got this farm has so much joy in it, that this is my place of jubilee. Every year is the year of jubilee on the Davis farm! It’s me declaring who God is and what He’s done, and that’s what Leah was doing, too.

Same, Judy, when I was reading this story and studying for it. Those names had never popped out at me before, but there’s meaning in every snippet of Scripture. I hope that’s what people take away from this podcast.

Staci: I love that, too. You were talking earlier, about how journaling helps you go back and see what God has done, naming things. Every time she looked at her sons she could say, “I will praise the Lord.” Every time she saw Judah, now it wasn’t so much sadness, but she could say, “I will praise the Lord.” Even when she looks back on Reuben, she can say, “The Lord sees me. The Lord hears me,” when she looks back on Levi. So naming things helps us remember what God has done when we look at that thing, too.

Erin: There’s a reason why I call this podcast The Deep Well. I mean, every time I get into something I’ll say, Oh, now I want to do a season on that, now I want to do a season on that! We could do a whole season on names, or we could do a whole season on just Leah’s children. If you want to trace that through the Old Testament and even into the New, that naming that she did in many ways was prophetic. God did something with these lines that were created. The more you drop down your bucket—I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again—you’re going to pull up truth every single time. It just takes you into more and more depths of some of what God was doing. I don’t think we can see all of what God was doing until we’re in glory and it’s all revealed, but the more you dig, the more you want to dig, right?

Judy: On the next episode, we’ll continue to explore whispers in the Bible. We’ll be looking at the dangerous habit of gossip.

Staci: Join us for the next episode of The Deep Well!

The Deep Well with Erin Davis is a production of Revive Our Hearts, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

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