The Truth About Inward and Outward Beauty

Dannah Gresh: Have you ever thought to yourself, Wouldn’t it be fun to get a job as a model?

Bethany Beal is the coauthor of Girl Defined. At one time in her life she thought modeling sounded pretty fun!

Bethany Beal: When I was younger, I really bought into a lot of culture’s version of beauty without even realizing it. I remember one time, my older sister Kristen and I actually collected one of our younger siblings, went on to the roof of our house and had them snap pictures of us.

We were just posing our best model poses. We had all the jewelry, all the makeup. We were just workin’ it. We thought we were so amazing! Then we got down, and we immediately uploaded our pictures to whatever social media sites we even had back then. We were just waiting for the “likes” and the comments to come in.

Dannah: This is Bethany’s sister, Kristen Clark.

Kristen Clark: When I was young, I had a lady approach me about being a model. I was probably like ten, eleven, or twelve years old. She came up and said, “Hey, you look like model material. I think you’re going to make a great model. Do you want to join our agency?”

We actually did dabble in the modeling scene just a little bit. Through that experience we had a firsthand view into just how broken and how girls in that industry are lacking peace, how they lack fulfillment, lack contentment . . . all those things that we were told, “Oh, you’ll have that confidence; you’ll have that boldness if you’re a model.”

But behind the scenes what we saw is that when you base your value and your worth on your beauty, on your outward appearance, on what the culture says is true womanhood, it really doesn’t satisfy—because it can’t. It can’t because it’s not God’s design; it’s contrary to God’s design. 

After about a year in the modeling industry, I stepped out. My sister had a brief experience, and she stepped out. We said, “This is not fulfilling. This is not as glamorous as it is on the posters. This is not really what God’s best is for us as women.”

Bethany: I realized that I really was basing a lot of my worth and value as a woman on my outward appearance, in thinking that true beauty was what other people thought about me and the worth and the compliments that they gave me.

As I got older and really started digging into God’s Word and seeing His perspective of me and just the fact that He created me. He loves me. He made me just the way that I am. I’m 6’ 1”—I’m really tall for a girl. But I realized, “Wow, God knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I need to thank Him for that!” [to God:] “Wow, You designed me; You gave me the nose, the hair, the eyes—everything about me.”

And instead of looking to the culture, looking to my friends for their approval of me, and for them to say of me, “Oh, you’re beautiful,” or “I like your hair,” or “I like this about you,” and feeling valuable, I realized that’s all wrong. 

 

I need to look to what God says about me. That’s what will give me true value and really true beauty, knowing that He’s my Creator and He defines beauty. If He created me the way that He created me, then that should be enough. That’s what is truly beautiful.

Dannah: Today Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth will take us into God’s Word to show us why true inner beauty is so much more important than our outward appearance. Nancy’s the author of Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free. She’s the host of this podcast, Revive Our Hearts. I’m Dannah Gresh. Here’s Nancy.

Over the last couple of days we’ve been identifying lies women believe. Today’s lie: “Physical beauty matters more than inward beauty.” Here’s Nancy.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: The world would have us believe that those external things are what determine our happiness, our sense of worth, our appeal to men, our ability to make friends and keep friends, and our overall sense of personal well-being.

In fact, I had a friend call me last night as I was actually studying on this subject. She said, “Have you done any study on the whole area of physical, external beauty?” 

I said, “It’s interesting you should ask, because I was just sitting here at my desk thinking about this.”

She said, “It’s amazing to me how so much of our conversation, our thinking as women is about physical matters. You know, if you have a bad hair day, you just feel ugly all over. You’ve got to get a certain kind of manicure. Then you’ve got to worry about varicose veins . . . and on and on it goes.”

She said she had just been to a fashion show of some sort recently, and these were models from a well-known department store. My friend was sitting at a table with some women she didn’t know who were obviously professional sorts of women.

She said it was amazing how intimidated all those women around her table were as they looked at the women walking up and down the runway modeling these outfits. My friend, who just has a simple, pure heart toward the Lord, and things that matter to God are what matter the most to her . . . She said she finally got up the courage to just say quietly to the women at her table, “What do you think those women are dealing with inside?” 

I think in that setting, it was as if her words just gave a little bit more perspective, that what is on the outside doesn’t always tell the whole story.

Our society communicates this message and screams it to us from the time we are little children, that physical beauty matters more than inner beauty. We have this intense pressure as women today to conform to some perfect physical ideal. Many women are going to drastic measures to change their bodies in order to live up to that ideal.

I was reading one writer last night who said, “Over the centuries, women have mauled and manipulated just about every body part—lips, eyes, ears, waists, skulls, foreheads and feet—that did quite not fit into the cookie-cutter ideal of a particular era’s fashion.

In our culture, I suppose as much as ever, women are driven in the pursuit of physical beauty. One recent study showed American women spent one-half a billion dollars in one year on shape-enhancing garments. That’s a lot of money to get beautiful!

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons shows that over the last eight years, cosmetic procedures among women have increased by 165 percent. I think we all know that physical beauty doesn’t really ensure happiness or fulfillment or success. At least if we think about it we know that.

I remember talking some time ago with a former Miss America. Those kinds of women can be intimidating to be around, as you can imagine. She told me a lengthy story about what she went through for years in beauty pageants and the contortions and the changes and the procedures that she had to endure and go through.

She said, “I would cut any part of my body. I would do anything to my body to get to be what that particular pageant and their officials considered beautiful.” At one point she moved to another state and the rules changed, so she had to undo some of what she had previously done in order to meet someone else’s standard of physical beauty.

Believing that physical beauty matters most does lead us into bondage. Let me illustrate that with a couple of things that women have written to me. One woman said, 

I believed that outward beauty or my body was all that was valuable about me to anyone, especially men. I chose to take advantage of that to get the attention I so desperately craved, and I became a sexual addict. 

Another woman said, 

All my life I have believed that my self-worth was based on my appearance, and of course, I never looked like the world said that I should, so I’ve always had a low self-worth.

I’ve developed eating disorders. I’m a food addict. I struggle in my marriage with the perception that I’m not attractive and that my husband is always looking at other women who are attractive to him.

You see how these seeds of lies lodge in our hearts, take root, and ultimately produce fruit. Who would have thought that things like promiscuity and sexual addictions and eating disorders and competitiveness and envy and comparison and flirtatious behavior . . . These things could be traced back to, in some cases, a faulty view of beauty of what really matters?

So how do we get set free from the world’s way of thinking, from deception about beauty? Well, as always, we have to counter the lies with the truth. For example, we go to the Word of God, and we find out in Proverbs 31:30 that, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty [physical beauty] is fleeting.” It’s temporal at best!

I know I can get up in the morning and go to a great deal of effort. Well, I won’t say that, because I don’t actually spend a lot of time on these things. But I can go to all the effort in trying to make myself physically presentable, but by two hours into the day, I can be looking bedraggled.

We know that even in the course of a day, physical appearance can change and is temporal and fleeting. Any of us who are over age forty know it in a different way. We now see in our faces lines that weren’t there ten years ago. I’m definitely a gray-headed woman now, and there are ways that our bodies change. Physical beauty is fleeting.

Proverbs goes on to say in that verse, “A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” I believe that the writer is speaking there about the importance of our pursuing lasting inner beauty, adopting God’s standard of what really matters and making that our priority.

That’s why Peter says to women in 1 Peter 3:3–5, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment.” Now, he’s not saying we shouldn’t be beautiful, but he’s saying we need to redefine our idea of what is beautiful. 

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Instead, your beauty should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty [wouldn’t you love to have that?!] of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.

How did these holy women make themselves beautiful? They trusted in God, and as a result, they developed an inner beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.

Now, we’re not saying, and the Scripture is not saying, that external beauty, physical beauty, is inherently sinful or that it’s wrong to pay any attention to our external appearance. And we as women, I believe, should reflect even outwardly the beauty, the order, the excellence, and the grace of God.

We do that not only through our inner person, but through our outer clothing and beauty as well. But we need to keep things in perspective, to remember that which is seen, Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:18, that which is visible is temporal, it does not last.

And so, Paul says, put your focus on the things that cannot be seen, that are internal, and that are eternal. Those are the things that last forever. When I turned forty, I started receiving catalogs of every description about how to combat the effects of aging and all kinds of products that are supposed to help me with that.

I just want to say the older I’m getting, the more I’m making a conscious choice that I do not want to be consumed, preoccupied with cultivating a beauty that is at best fading, fleeting, declining. And I said to the Lord, “Would You instead cultivate in me the things I really want to focus on, the things that really matter?” And that is the beauty of a meek spirit, a gentle spirit. 

I want to develop for the Lord the kind of beauty that is attractive to Him, that is a gracious, wise, kind, and loving heart. And I say, “O, Lord, I want to be clothed as Paul says we should be in Colossians 3:12, with compassion, with kindness, with humility, with gentleness, and with patience.”

These are the things that really matter to God. These are the things that make a woman truly beautiful!

Dannah: That’s Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth helping all of us get off the never-ending treadmill of chasing outward beauty. She’s been addressing the lie: “Outward beauty matters more than inward beauty.” 

If you want to go more in depth on this topic, we’d love to send you Nancy’s book, Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free. We’ll send you a copy to say thanks for your donation of any size to the ministry of Revive Our Hearts. Just visit ReviveOurHearts.com to give your gift of any amount and request Lies Women Believe. 

Nancy talked with a group of friends about some practical aspects of developing inward beauty. I think this conversation is going to help you get a vision that your inner beauty can keep developing even as your outward beauty changes with age. Here’s Nancy, talking with Erin Davis, Karen Loritts, Mary Kassian, and Holly Elliff.

Nancy: Okay. Think of a woman you know or have known that you think of as really beautiful—and I’m not just talking physically beautiful. But someone you think of as just a beautiful woman in terms of things that matter. Who is she? And what was she like?

Karen Loritts: I can think of my junior high Sunday school teacher, bless her heart, Mrs. Borne. She was working in the mission that was not too far from my home there in Philadelphia. She and her husband couldn’t have any children. She never wore makeup. People probably would say she was matronly looking, but she was so beautiful, so quiet, and I was just drawn to her.

Nancy: Why?

Karen: She just walked with God. You could just see her walking with God. When she spoke, the words just pierced my heart. When she would tell me, “Karen, you’re being a little bit too loud,” I just understood what she meant. And when she prayed over me, I just felt as though God just came down and sat right in the lap of Mrs. Borne.

Looking beautiful . . . she didn’t look it on the outside. She would not even get a second look by anybody. But when she spoke and when she gave you attention, you just saw God walking in the flesh.

Holly Elliff: I would have to say my mother-in-law, Jewel was her name. She was just gracious. She was a precious woman. She was gentle but very honest. There were moments when she would come over to me, and she’d put her hand on me and say, “Holly, let me just share this with you.” But it was done in such a gentle, sweet way that I could hear it.

What came through was her spirit, the Spirit of Christ through her. She was also funny, had a wonderful sense of humor. She was just a precious woman. She’s with the Lord now, but she was a huge influence on my life as a young mom. When I would get so frustrated, she’d say, “Holly, I know. Let’s have a little chat.” But not in a way that was demeaning or rude or judgmental. It was all out of love, and I knew that.

Mary Kassian: I had a lady named Pearl Purdy. Pearl was married to this massive guy who used to be a Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer in Canada, and she was just this little petite thing. She was smaller than you, Nancy. He used to call her “my pearl,” and she really was a pearl. She was an old woman, so she was in her seventies or eighties.

What I remember about her was just how welcoming she was and how she just drew people into her home and her life and impacted them. We were teenagers, and she was in my life for a number of years, attending my church. She would always invite those young folks over for dinner.

I remember Brent and I weren’t even married, and she had us over to play shuffleboard. We went over to Pearl and Harry’s place to play. We’d go down into their basement, and she would give us slippers and we’d put them on and play shuffleboard. But it was incredible because here you had this older couple, and Pearl who was, really, in the latter part of her life, more beautiful than ever.

She took care of herself as best as she could, but certainly her physical beauty was fading. But really, the beauty that just shone was just, “Welcome into our family.” She mentored more women by us going over and playing shuffleboard, and then we’d just sit around and have some coffee and talk to Pearl. She was an amazing woman.

Nancy: And why in the world would young adults want to go play shuffleboard if it weren’t for the attraction of being drawn to that?

Mary: It’s so attractive. Everybody wanted to go over and play shuffleboard with Pearl and Harry. 

Nancy: Isn’t that something? It’s just the power of that spirit in a woman. It’s magnetic.

Karen: It’s just a well.

Mary: It’s deep—so deep.

Karen: A well of wisdom and love and caring. You’re sort of drawn to that.

Mary: You just look in the eyes, and it just glows. It’s amazing.

Nancy: Anyone in your life, Erin, that you think of that way?

Erin Davis: I would say my sister. It’s interesting because we’re twins, and so we look a lot alike. I’m sure it’s not that I’m drawn to her features. But my sister Nicky seems to have been born with a gentle and quiet spirit. The Lord is going to have to work on me until I die to get me to have a gentle and quiet spirit!

So I’ve always been drawn to that in her. I’ve always watched how other people are really drawn to that gentleness that I don’t have. She is a good-looking girl, as my twin—just modestly admitting that. But I think I’m more drawn to the gentleness that she always seems to have.

Nancy: I’m in 1 Peter 3:1–2, and the context of this whole book actually has a lot of themes related to suffering. In that context, Peter is talking about marriage, wives and husbands, manhood and womanhood, and there are differences. Sometimes those differences, when they’re not redeemed, can cause pain to each other. That’s kind of in the context here.

But right in the middle of that, he addresses this whole subject of beauty. He’s saying the wives are to be submissive to their own husbands so that even if some (husbands) don’t obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives: “. . . when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” So there, again, it’s something of value—respect and purity.

And then he says, “Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the wearing of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear” (v. 3). Now, clearly, those things aren’t wrong or we’d all run around without any clothing! But in the context here he’s saying, “This is not your focus. This is not what’s primary. This is not what really matters most." But what does matter, “Let your adorning [let your beauty] be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious” (v. 4). 

Karen: Oh boy, such a powerful word.

Dannah: Truly powerful, Karen. We just heard Mary Kassian, Karen Loritts, Erin Davis, and Holly Elliff talking with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth about unfading, inward beauty. 

Like I told you earlier, Nancy wrote about this in her book, Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free. This week when you support Revive Our Hearts, we’d like to send you a copy. Just visit ReviveOurHearts.com to make your donation, or call us at 1-800-569-5959. You’ll be helping us share biblical truth like we just heard, and you can request Lies Women Believe. 

Have you ever been tricked or defrauded? Mary Kassian says you probably have, but there’s a solution. 

Mary: Satan is the master con artist! He will use you, abuse you, steal your identity, and rob you blind! Only the truth can set you free from the con artist who has gotten you under his spell—the truth which is found in the One who is the Way, the Truth, the Life!

The truth can set you free from the death spiral you’re in; it can set you free from the sin, from the guilt, from the shame. It can set you free from the brokenness, from bondage, from defeat. It can set you free to love holiness more than you love sin!

It can set you free to love obedience more than you love self-determination and self-indulgence. It can set you free to love Jesus more than you love anything!

Dannah: Hear more of Mary’s answer to this dilemma tomorrow on Revive Our Hearts. Now Nancy’s back with one final thought.

Nancy: What kind of beauty are you pursuing as you think about your routine each day? I know that this morning you took time to get up, comb your hair, to get dressed in order to come to this place. But did you take time to focus on the inner person? Did you take time to cultivate beauty of the heart? 

Did you take time to get before the mirror of God’s Word and say, “Lord, show me my heart. Show me where my inner person is dirty and needs to be washed. Show me where my clothing inside is ripped and needs to be mended. Lord, clothe me in Your Spirit, clothe me in Christ and make me a woman of true eternal beauty!”

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth wants to help you develop true beauty by discovering freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ!

All Scripture is taken from the NIV84 unless otherwise noted.

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