Three Radical Reasons to Radically Forgive

Dannah Gresh: Here's the host of The Deep Well, Erin Davis.

Erin Davis: I was flying alone on an airplane recently and you should know, I am a head-down traveler. I put my earbuds in. I put my head down. I don’t necessarily want to talk to my seatmate—which I know makes me sound like a snob—but it hurts my neck!

So as soon as I’m seated I try to put off the vibe, “I don’t want to talk to you.” And on this particular flight, the woman next to me did not pick up on the vibe. 

I was reading a Christian book—I don’t even remember the title. The woman sitting next to me struck up a conversation and asked about it. I gave short answers, continuing in the, “I don’t want to talk to you,” vibe . . . and she kept pressing. And thus unfolded one of the most profound conversations I’ve ever had!

Dannah: We’ll hear what happened next, today on the Revive Our Hearts podcast for June 26, 2024. Our host is the author of Choosing Forgiveness, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Forgiveness is core to everything we stand for as Christians. There would be no gospel if it weren’t for forgiveness. But forgiveness can be hard, too.

Erin Davis shared what you’re about to hear on her podcast The Deep Well, produced by Revive Our Hearts. I thought it was so good I wanted to share it with our Revive Our Hearts audience as well.

So let’s get back to Erin’s story about the woman sitting next to her on the airplane. We’re about to find out what it has to do with the whole idea of forgiving. Here’s Erin.

Erin: She was a follower of Jesus, a pastor’s wife, and she told me the story of her husband’s murder. I will spare you the details. She did not spare me the details—it was graphic and horrific. She was on that plane because she had flown to the courthouse where the man convicted of her husband’s murder was being sentenced.

She wanted to stand before him and tell him she forgave him. She was frail—probably in her seventies, gray-headed, and clearly the struggle she’d been in had taken its toll. I didn’t know what to say.

She wasn’t really looking to me for answers. She was just sharing this story in the most gentle and heartfelt way. She’d dab her eyes occasionally. I felt like I should say something, so I turned around and looked her in the eye and I said, “Are the promises of God true?”

Because I needed to know. I needed to know if the things that God says in His Word about the fact that He’s close to the brokenhearted were true (see Psalm 34:18), because her heart was broken, and it was not going to be put back together again.

I needed to know if God really could empower her by His Holy Spirit to do this step that I couldn’t imagine her doing. And I really needed to know if it was possible for someone to forgive somebody of such a horrible offense.

She didn’t miss a beat. She said, “Every single one of them!” I’ve thought about that woman a zillion times since then. I think it’s because I’ve had a zillion reasons why I had to make the choice to forgive—or not—someone who hurt me.

I don’t want you to be alarmed. I don’t think I’ve been wounded any more than the next person . . . but sinners sin, right? So often we sin against each other. It’s not just followers of Jesus who have to wrestle with forgiveness. 

I’m convinced that every single person on God’s green earth has been hurt and/or offended and/or mistreated and/or abused. And we all have to decide if we’re going to let that eat us from the inside-out, or if we’re going to choose to forgive.

So, how we forgive is fairly universal, but why we forgive is distinctly different for those of us who are in Christ. I want to give us three radical reasons to radically forgive. I know I used “radical” there twice, but the kind of forgiveness God calls us to really is radical, and the reasons we can do it are radical too. So here’s reason number one . . .

You can radically forgive because you have been radically forgiven. Listen to Ephesians chapter 4, verses 31–32: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice” (v. 31).

 

You can pull out your concordance if you want to, but you don’t have to. You don’t have to compare the ancient languages here either. “All” here means: “all.” Paul said take “all your bitterness.” And what he meant there was, “all your bitterness.”

He said take all your wrath, all your anger, all your clamor, all your slander, all your malice and put them away, get rid of them. And here’s how, verse 32: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Here in His Word God gives us a parallel progression. There’s the progression of anger: wrath, anger, clamor, slander, malice. But the parallel is: start with kindness. Ask the Lord to keep your heart tender. 

Don’t become stone-faced and hard-hearted toward the person that hurt you. You can know that that’s happening when you can no longer see them as someone made in the image of God. 

Proactively be kind, and after you’ve asked for soft-heartedness and after you’ve proactively been kind, then you have to take the much harder step—and it is a much harder step—and offer forgiveness. 

There’s something that’s essential for you to remember if you’re going to forgive because you’ve been forgiven, and that’s that we’re all trophies of God’s grace—every single one of us.

I don’t know if God has a trophy case, but if He does, we all got there by grace! None of us got there because we earned it. If you could see everything that God has forgiven you for, I think radical forgiveness would come a little more easily, because grace-receivers inevitably become grace-givers.

So if you find it hard to forgive someone, go back and remember what you’ve been forgiven of. Then put all that stuff away.

The second radical reason to extend radical forgiveness is because human justice is limited, but God’s justice is perfect. Sometimes we hold on to offenses that—if we’re honest—they’re petty, they’re paper cuts, sometimes there’s just been a misunderstanding. 

 

And I want you to know, I’m not talking about that here, because sometimes we have been sinned against in truly grievous ways. Some of you who will listen to this podcast have been abused by someone in power.

Some of us have experienced what it’s like to be sinned against as children in ways that rewired our brains. All of us have been lied to. Many of us have had something stolen that we can’t get back. 

Those things don’t just go away. I want to acknowledge that. There’s some justice in being angry toward the person who sinned against you. It is one way—at times it’s the only way—that we can enforce consequences for someone else’s sin.

But here’s the problem (we know this from our own justice system): human justice on its best day will only ever be imperfect justice. We hear it said all the time, “I just want justice! I just want my day in court!”

Even when that happens, even when it seems as though justice has been served, somehow it doesn’t give us the kind of relief we thought it would. I think I’m on the list of most popular jurors! I’m about to serve my third term as juror in my county.

Many people I know have never been called up to serve, but I just keep getting called up to serve, and we serve for a six-month term! It’s rural, there are not a lot of jurors (maybe that’s why I keep being called).

But you sit in on a lot of opening arguments before they decide if you get to be on the jury. And I gotta tell you, even the best lawyers with the best arguments and the best day in court rarely results in actual justice. 

Let me read to us from Deuteronomy 32:3–4. I love to say that every text is part of a context, and the context here is that this is Moses’ farewell address, this beloved leader who had led the children of Israel through so much! The whole nation had gathered to hear from their leader one last time.

In verse 3 Moses said: “For I will proclaim the name of the Lord; ascribe greatness to our God!” Verse 4 he said: “The Rock, his work is perfect, for all his ways are justice.” I didn’t say that wrong. It’s bad grammar, but apparently it’s really good truth!

He didn’t just say God is just, which He is. He didn’t just say God loves justice, which He does. Moses, as he’s pleading with the people to hold on to what is true about God, says: “He’s the Rock, his way is perfect and all his ways are justice.”

He continued, “A God of faithfulness and without iniquity, just and upright is he.” Why? Why did Moses need the people to know that God is just, all His ways are justice? Because they were going to experience plenty of imperfect justice, despite the systems that they’d set up. And we will, too. 

There’s a practical application in Moses’ speech here in the area of forgiveness. We start with giving God glory. I heard someone talking recently. (I don’t even think they were talking about forgiveness.) They said, “If someone says to you, ‘Don’t think about a pink elephant!’” All you’re going to think about is a pink elephant!

Right now I’m thinking about a pink elephant! But if instead they said, “Think of a turquoise elephant with silver hair and stars above his eyes,” that’s what you’re going to think about.

And if all you’re saying is, “Don’t think about the person that hurt you. Don’t think about what they said. Don’t think about this offense!” That’s where you’re going to dwell. You’ve got to think about something—Someone—better!

And so when you are in that wrestling match (and I acknowledge that it is hard to forgive!) and when your heart is wrestling, you want to, but you’re not sure you can, start with giving God glory.

Because ultimately, you only have three options to where you can direct your thoughts. You can think “out” about others. And when somebody has wronged you it’s hard not to think about them.

You can think “in” at yourself, at your own reputation, at what this has cost you and how much it hurts. Or there’s a third option. You can look up at God. As long as you are proclaiming the deeds of the one who sinned against you or lingering in your own hurt and anger, you will struggle to forgive.

You’re going to be able to practice this soon, I promise! So am I. Every time there is something we need to forgive someone for, we seize the moment and we decide: “I’m going to declare the name of the Lord! I’m going to declare greatness to our God!”

That’s how Moses started. Why? Verse 4 again: “The Rock, his work is perfect, for all his ways are justice. A God of faithfulness and without iniquity, just and upright is he.” This is not the same as chanting happy thoughts. 

This is: “I’m going to declare the name of the Lord because He is justice. He is perfect. He is upright! He’s got this!” You and I don’t ever have to worry that someone is going to get away with something, because God’s work is perfect.

He is a faithful God. He has no sin, nor can He tolerate any sin, not even a little bit! He is just and upright. And so we can set aside the gavel and let the Lord handle the justice, and His justice will be perfect!

Will it always be in your timing? It will rarely be in your timing. Will it always look like what you think justice should look like in that situation? No, thank God, because we expect justice through our sin-filled lens. It’s going to be true, pure justice.

This is why, in Romans 12:19–21, Paul wrote, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves . . .” Why is Paul talking in these extremes? All malice, all anger, and never avenge yourselves.

Romans 12, verse 19, again I’m picking it up: “. . . but leave it to the wrath of God.” He didn’t say never avenge yourselves because there’s never a need for vengeance. There is. He said, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God.”

I’ve got to tell you, if someone needs to choose between my wrath and God’s wrath, they should choose mine. God’s wrath will be complete and it will be just.

For it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” [Paul is quoting Proverbs 25:21–22a.] Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

How can we even do this! How can we be kind to those who have hurt us? How can we be kind to those who keep hurting us . . . and don’t care!? Because we trust it to God, because He’s going to take care of it.

And in writing, “Don’t be overcome by evil,” Paul is saying, “Don’t let this consume you! Don’t let the evil someone else has done to you overcome you, but instead push back against it because God is justice!” It’s radical! I warned you! 

The third radical reason for you to radically forgive is because of the cross. We’ve already thought about what Jesus accomplished on the cross for you, that you were radically forgiven. But what about what He accomplished on the cross for the person who hurt you? This one’s really hard for my conscience to get around.

It’s really hard to hold on to bitterness and anger at somebody when you rightly see that Jesus went to the cross for him and her. You’ve heard it said, I’m sure, that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

And while that’s true, and while unforgiveness does have a corrosive power on our inner lives, I don’t think that’s the most radical reason to radically forgive. We’ve already talked about that we should give grace because we got grace, and because we can trust God to deal with the offender. That’s all true.

But the truly radical reason we must forgive is what Jesus accomplished at Calvary. Let’s linger at the cross together for a moment. I’m not going to take us to the gospels; I want you to listen to Isaiah 53:5–6.

But he [Jesus] was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed. 

Those are not just church words, that’s not just a passage we read at Easter. It was by His actual piercing, His actual crushing, His actual wounds on the cross. And then in verse 6 Isaiah wrote,

All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him [laid on Jesus] the iniquity of us all. 

The sins of the one who hurt you so deeply were laid on the shoulders of Jesus, on the cross.

Every sin that has ever been committed against you and every sin that will ever be committed against you was laid on Jesus on the cross, and He willingly took it! And He didn’t stop there.

The price that Jesus paid to redeem the sin—I guess, more appropriately the sinner that you’re struggling to forgive—was sky high! Jesus was arrested for that sinner. Jesus was humiliated for that sinner. Jesus was beaten to a bloody pulp for that sinner. And ultimately, Jesus died for that sinner. 

I’m uncomfortable even talking about that. I’m uncomfortable even thinking about what God endured for my sin and for other people’s sins. But when we withhold forgiveness, what we’re ultimately doing is committing spiritual double jeopardy.

We’re expecting someone to pay a price that they didn't pay, that Jesus ultimately paid, that Jesus suffered greatly to pay. We don’t have the right. Romans 5 tells us that because of Jesus’s blood willingly poured out on the cross, God’s wrath has been fully satisfied!

I love that hymn lyric from the Gettys, don’t you? 

‘Til on that cross as Jesus died, the wrath of God was satisfied.
For every sin [and can I add, including the sins committed against you] on Him was laid.
Here in the death of Christ I live.

(“In Christ Alone” by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend)

Jesus did not have to hang on the cross one second longer for the person you’re trying to forgive than He did for you. It’s been taken care of! It’s radical! And one of the most Christ-like things you will ever do is extend forgiveness to the undeserving.

And when you do, you’re not making a statement that what was done to you was okay. In many cases it was not okay! You’re not making a statement that you are weak and that they somehow won.

You are making the statement that the cross is sufficient. And I would ask, is there a statement more worth making!? We do live in a world consumed by anger and bitterness. It has become a currency. You know that, I hope.

Corporations use our anger and bitterness to try and sell us all manner of things, and they have to keep us angry for that to work. We also live in a culture obsessed with our rights, including our “right” to stay angry at those who hurt us.

And so, forgiveness is an act of radical rebellion against the powers of darkness! It’s countercultural. It’s one way we show the beauty of Jesus to a broken world . . . and they’re watching! What does your life teach about the beauty and power of forgiveness?

I always want you to be doers of God’s Word. I never want you to be hearers only. I never want you to listen to an episode of this podcast and walk away and think, That was a nice thought.

No, we’re supposed to put feet to God’s Word! And the “do” step here is clear. I would never claim it’s easy, but the “do” step here is to forgive! And you need the Lord’s help. Every time you forgive you need the Lord’s help.

I would just encourage us to use Moses’ model here. When I bump up against that need to forgive it can feel like me replaying the tapes of the offense in my mind. It could feel like me on some level wanting them to suffer like I’ve suffered.

It could feel like wanting them to just have a glimpse into how much pain they’ve caused. When that bubbles up, my pastor has taught us to pray to want to. He’s like, “When you need to forgive, pray to want to!”

Because so often the desire isn’t even there. And so I’ll say, “Lord, give me the ‘want’ to forgive.” I have some family members who are in that category of committing really grievous things against me and people I love, and so unforgiveness often wells up. 

I don’t invite it, but it often wells up. I’m not a slave to it. I know what to do. I start praying, just like Moses first starts out praising God for who He is. “God, all Your ways are justice. You are the Rock; there is no unrighteousness in You!”

And then I pray for God to bless them specifically. And then, whether I feel it or not (feelings aren’t facts, they’re just feelings, you’re free to feel them) I tell God, “I forgive her.” 

Not because I want to, not because she deserves it, not because she wrote me that long apology letter I’ve been fantasizing about for so long!—that letter ain’t comin’!

“But I’m going to forgive her because You forgave me and because I trust nobody’s going to get away with anything, because all Your ways are justice and because You took care of this already on the cross.” 

Nancy: Amen. Erin Davis will be back to pray. She gave us three compelling reasons we need to radically forgive. It’s a key part of living out your faith in Jesus. As Erin reminded us, the Scripture tells us we need to forgive as Christ has forgiven us. 

Maybe as you've been listening to Erin, your heart has been stirred, and you know you need to dig deeper in this area of forgiveness. Can I encourage you not to ignore that stirring because it is probably the Holy Spirit stirring in your heart? You may have heard this before, but forgiveness is like releasing a prisoner. There’s a sense in which forgiveness is releasing the one we’ve held hostage through our bitterness. But once we forgive, we realize that we were the one in prison. I hope you’ll take the first step toward forgiveness today.

Dannah: That’s right. And the best way to take a step might be to get a copy of Nancy’s book Choosing Forgiveness. She dives more deeply into the topic. For information on how you can receive it, go to ReviveOurHearts.com and look up the transcript of this program. We’ve put a link there so you can find Nancy’s book Choosing Forgiveness. 

Thanks for listening today. Tomorrow on Revive Our Hearts, Karen Loritts talks to us about how we can learn to trust God. I hope you’ll tune in tomorrow. 

Now, here’s Erin Davis to pray us out.

Erin: Lord, there’s none like You! When it comes to responding to hurt, we are so unlike You. But life is giving us near constant examples to grow to be more and more like You. 

So I pray for anyone listening. If they’ve been listening to this episode they know, that name has been welling up inside of them, that moment’s been coming back to mind, that hurt it’s exposed all over again. I pray that by the power of Your Holy Spirit you would empower her to walk this out, You would draw her eyes to You, God, not to the hurt, not to other person, but to You. 

When we don’t know how to pray, the Spirit helps us pray, so Holy Spirit, help us to pray for blessing, and then help us to take that step, that actual step, and forgive. Help us to do it as often as we need to. In Your name I pray, amen.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ. 

All Scripture is taken from the ESV.

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