Laura Perry Smalts: Thank you, I am glad to be here. It’s interesting, I was thinking about the fact that I’m teaching a breakout on the joy of embracing biblical womanhood is hysterical, if you know my story.

For anyone who doesn’t (I kind of assume that everybody does), but I lived as transgender for about nine years and had surgeries and hormones and all kinds of other messes. 

But the Lord delivered me out of that mess, and so I’m just incredibly grateful to the Lord, because I didn’t think I’d ever look like a girl again. I didn’t ever think I’d feel like a girl again, and I just couldn’t image. There was just so much pain there in being a woman, and I think for so many of us, even if you’ve never had a thought of wanting to be a man, I think there are so many of us that sometimes it’s just painful. Sometimes it is just hard for various reasons.

So I think that the fact that I am teaching this breakout is really just about what the Lord has been teaching me. 

I’m not a doctor or an expert, but what I have . . . I tried to live as a man, and I tried to be someone else. But as I have come into this place where I’ve learned to trust the Lord and in who He made me. As He’s healed me, I’ve began to understand that His design is really good. That’s kind of where I want you to come on this journey with me.

I was just to tell you just a little bit about my story. It just a little over six years that I came out of that lifestyle. I was trusting my feelings of who I wanted to be rather than who God had created me to be.

You can see I was born female, and I had lived as a male. I had a job where I was only known as male, so fully passing as male. I had no desire to leave that lifestyle. I was convinced that I could never be a woman again, because there was just so much pain there and I didn’t know why. 

I knew I was living a lie. Eventually, I realized that transition wasn’t real, that none of the surgeries or anything else had made me a man . . . and didn’t know why. I couldn’t put my finger on it. 

I remember standing in this group of guys one time. They all thought I was a man. I was at a job where I was only known as a male. They didn’t even know I was trans. And yet, I knew there was a difference there, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I couldn’t understand why, but there was something so profoundly deep in me that was telling me that I was a woman. 

But still, the very thought of identifying as a woman was just too painful to bear. Every time I thought about it, it was as if a knife was being plunged into the depths of my soul, ripping my heart out. I had undergone a double mastectomy, hysterectomy, oophorectomy, all the legal changes. I had a beard, lower voice, I had hair all over my body, but the conviction of the Holy Spirit was growing in me. I had gotten saved in October of 2014, and I was convinced that I was going to be a man of God. 

I was really on fire for Jesus. God had radically transformed my life, and yet, He didn’t leave me there. The Lord just really began to pursue me more and more. But eventually I was under so much conviction that I felt like I was in this deep dark pit that I just couldn’t get out of. I was like, “God I cannot. I will give you everything in my life.” And I really surrendered everything in my life to the Lord. But I said, “I cannot go back to being a woman. It is too painful.” And I didn’t even know why. 

All I knew is that when I thought about being a woman, all I could think about was pain. That’s what I hear about from so many of these young women. But the Lord asked me to leave it. He reminded me of the verse that says,

If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? (Matt. 16:24–26)

I knew then that the Lord was just asking me to walk away. And so, when I first left the lifestyle, it was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. I honestly thought I was going to be miserable the rest of my life. I just want to die. I had no expectations of transformation, I really thought that I was just going to live in misery for the rest of my life. 

But I knew that one day God had promised me a redeemed body. He promised me that I wouldn’t have a sin nature. So, I knew in heaven that one day it would be okay. I thought if I could just hang on for the next forty to fifty years, however long I live, and just be miserable, then one day it would be alright. 

That was about the expectation of my life. So I really thought that the rest of my story would go something like this, “Laura sat at home with her mom and dad and cried her eyes out about how painful it was that everybody knew she was a woman.” I just really thought that would be the rest of my life.

But when Nancy asked me to speak about the theme this year, I was so excited. God had put this idea of being heaven-minded on my heart over the last couple of years. But what does it mean that heaven rules over our lives? And specifically for this breakout, over our understanding of embracing our gender as female, and further over embracing biblical womanhood. 

Even if you’ve never had a single thought of wanting to transition to a man, you’ve probably not liked being a woman at times. And you know, what does it mean that heaven rules over our lives? And specifically, over this idea of biblical womanhood. Because a lot of times that’s just hard. I think it’s really about learning to trust the Lord and that His design is good. But that’s not always easy. 

I could have told God that Jake rules. Jake was my transgender name. I know at least one person in this room is happy that I didn’t. 

When I look back, I thought I was happy identifying as a man. I was happier than I had been before, when I was under so much rejection and all the pain that I had suffered from men that treated me like trash. I just had no worth or value as a female. 

I didn’t know the joy of embracing biblical womanhood yet, nor was I interested. But I had chosen to say that heaven rules, to say that God knew better than I did. 

Sometimes, people hear my story and say that I was so brave and I had this great faith. Not at all, not at that time. I mean, God had really worked on my faith over a couple of years, but I cried hysterically as I went through shaving my legs and my face and buying female clothes. In fact, the first time I tried on female clothes, I cried so hard I couldn’t drive home for twenty minutes because I was just crying hysterically. I just thought that there is no way I can do this, Lord. 

I didn’t really trust the Lord. I had no expectation of transformation, and the pain was just more than I could bear. But the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that God is on the throne, that heaven rules, that He is sovereign, and that He had a reason for making me a woman. 

Proverbs 3:5–6 is one of the most popular verses in the Bible. In fact, I looked up on Google and I looked up like most popular Bible verses. In the first seven results that came up, all of them listed this verse. And yet, I don’t think most of us act like we believe it. I mean, if we really trust in the Lord and not lean on our own understanding, do we submit to Him in all our ways? 

I think we like the part where it says He will make our paths straight, because we all want to know the will of God. But do we really live this first part? 

When I first came home, it is kind of hard to see in that picture there, in the plaid shirt, that’s the first day I came home to my mom’s Bible study. I was amazed as these women embraced and loved on me. I really began to feel loved by women and feel accepted as a woman. I still looked so masculine. I mean, even there I looked softer than I had just a few days earlier. I think it was just the Lord beginning to do that healing work. He just began to transform me. 

This is me and my husband. We were just married four months ago. God has just done an incredible work, but it’s been just a miracle of the Holy Spirit. I didn’t figure out how to fix all of this, and it wasn’t an intellectual thing. 

Even as I was trying to figure out how to describe the joy of embracing biblical womanhood, I kind of had chosen the topic before I had thought about it too deeply. I’ve had all of this joy, but I’ve struggled with how to communicate this. One of the reasons is like how do you describe to an unbeliever what it’s like to be in the presence of God? How do you describe what the transformation Jesus has done in you is like?

Imagine telling a dead person what it’s like to be raised from the dead? That’s what we’ve all experienced in salvation. And so I think ultimately this is what this has all been about, a healing work that the Lord has done in me, and it’s not an intellectual knowledge. It’s a deep working of the Holy Spirit that has been within me. 

But we all have to make this decision, does heaven rule or do I? 

What I didn’t know then was the healing transformation God had in store for me. I am so thankful He didn’t leave me in that darkness. I didn’t understand the great things that God had for me in store. 

I was willing to obey God, but I was completely untrusting of His ability to make biblical womanhood a blessing and not a curse. Are you convinced if you embraced biblical womanhood that you would be confined, restrained, and undervalued? What if the Lord wants to heal the pain that caused you to reject His design and intent for womanhood that could be a great joy instead of pain?

And again, even if you’ve never struggled with wanting to be a man or something like that, but I think sometimes it’s just hard to be a woman. Sometimes we feel like we don’t quite know how to do it, or we feel like God’s design is restraining. 

So, I am sure most of you in this room, like I said, are not desiring to be that way. I think so many times, we’ve been sinned against so much. Whether it’s a bad relationship with our father or maybe girls that are bullied, things like that.

This breakout will cover biblical womanhood a little differently than you may have heard before. I know this ministry is all about biblical womanhood, so I was very intimidated when I thought about teaching this. And this ministry has so much material on this that has really changed my life. Because when I came out of the transgender lifestyle, I was okay with identifying as woman because that’s the way God made me, but I didn’t like being a woman. 

It was about a year later. I was in this discipleship group, and about six months in they were going to do this study from Nancy and Mary called True Woman 101: Divine Design. That’s the last thing on this earth that I wanted to read. I was not interested.

But I was already invested in this discipleship group. I thought, Fine I’ll go ahead and do this study. Really, the first chapter, I was like, “These questions are so dumb. This doesn’t really apply to me. They just don’t get it, that I’m this trans person.” But by the second chapter, it was interesting. I don’t know if anybody remembers what the second chapter is on, but it’s about how God created man. 

I remember reading that and going, “I am not a man.” The Lord really began to soften my heart and open my heart to the fact that I was created different. I was like, “Okay God, well, if I am really created differently, then You’re going to need to teach me, because I don’t understand.”

So, first let me ask, and I was just going to say that sin has really distorted male and female relationships. I think sometimes we project something on manhood by someone who has hurt us. 

This happens all the time. Maybe there is a man that’s really hurt you in your life. You’ll say men are all jerks, or you’ll say men can’t be trusted, or men are not protective, or whatever it might be. And in fact, that revelation actually is what started me on this quest of God. Male and female design is so much more profound than we understand. 

Why is it that when somebody sins against us, we project it on the entire sex? Half the population. And yet, I hear this all of the time. Often it goes back to one person in your life and sometimes multiple people. A lot of times what happens is there’s unforgiveness in your life. A lot of times, you will project those same things on other people. 

Do you ever hear people talk about how people push their buttons? Well, a lot times people are pushing your buttons. There’s unforgiveness there that the Lord is trying to highlight to you. He is trying to say, “This needs healing.” But we just keep acting like this is just the way I react or that just sets me off. We want to blame it on other people, but the Lord is saying there’s a hurt here, and He’s constantly trying to remind you of. 

So, this started me on this quest: Lord, what is male and female really? I mean, I know what the Bible says our roles are, but I began to get this sense that there was something deeper. 

So, is there really a difference between male and female? I think some of that is obvious, but some of it is probably not so much. The Lord had given me this example a couple of years ago about a detective. He is called to this crime scene, and it is his best friend’s house. His best friend said he doesn’t have any knowledge of what happened, and he gives him an alibi or whatever. 

But the detective is going through the scene, and he realizes he had caught his friend in several lies. The evidence is not matching his friend’s story. He realizes in horror that his friend actually has murdered his wife. He doesn’t want his friend to go to jail, so he alters the entire crime scene to make it look like his friend is innocent. 

But he hasn’t actually changed what actually happened. All he’s changed is the evidence of what has happened. 

What we have today is people who are changing their gender. They’re transitioning, but all that they are changing is making the evidence look like something different than what is stamped so deep inside.

Because the reality is, did you know that there are over 6,500 biological differences between male and female? And that’s only what scientists know about. That doesn’t include everything that God knows that we don’t. 

In fact, there are about 330 billion cells that are replaced in your body every single day. You have trillions of cells, but every single day you have 330 billion cells that are replaced and regenerated. That means your DNA that has your sex chromosomes in every single cell is like the information code that tells your body how to make those cells. 

So every day, your body is going to billions of your cells, recognizing that you are female. And then your body is regenerating those cells based on that information. Every day, all day long, your body is telling you over and over and over that you are a female. 

Can you have a male brain in a female body? We hear this all the time in the trans culture. But the reality is, if your sex chromosomes are in every single cell in your body, including your brain, then that’s biologically impossible. 

It’s not possible to have a male brain in a female body, or vice versa. 

I want to go through some of the differences. It’s a little bit of a longer study, that’s not really the focus of today. But there so many differences between male and female. I love to study this because God’s design was so incredibly intentional. 

Have you ever heard Nancy and Mary talk about how women are created relational? Women are created from the side of man. We were created to be in relationship. I think that’s really the essence of what it means to be a woman. We are relational by nature, and we are to create and foster and nurture relationship.

I think to help men understand relationships better, especially with the father, I think women can connect in a way that men struggle to.

Girls respond more readily to faces; they begin talking earlier. Boys respond earlier in infancy to perceptual discrepancies in their visual environment. In adulthood women remain more orientated to faces and men are to things. Men are much more object orientated, much more task oriented. Even women, some of us are career focused, but we are still very relational. We’re wired so different, with different needs, and different basic ways of functioning. 

I love this. There is a difference in the hearing between men and women. Women have better high frequency hearing. They are particularly adapted to a baby’s cry. They are able to discern between a broader range of emotional tones in the human voice. These things are so cool to me. 

But men are better about blocking unwanted and repetitious noise. 

In fact, this was so funny to me when I was studying this. I asked Perry when he was over at my house doing some work in the backyard. I’m in the house studying, and there was this barking dog that was driving me out of my mind. I finally went out, and I was like, “Hey, are you tired of this dog? Is this bothering you? Like I can’t stand this, I just want . . .” not that I would ever hurt an animal, but I just couldn’t take the barking. And he was like, “Oh, I think I heard it earlier,” but he hadn’t noticed it in a while. I was like, “How do you not notice this dog?” 

They are better at sound location, detecting changes in the audio environment. Just think about the way that God designed them and the roles that He gave them, for men to be the protector. 

So, men are able to tell where sound is coming from a lot better than a woman. They’re able to sense danger a lot easier. 

But of course, we are designed to where we can’t tune out a baby’s cry. God gave us that for a reason, and then men are able to detect predators, danger, whatever it might be. 

Women tend to function better when they are sleep deprived. Again, that goes back to babies. But remember, even if we haven’t had babies, like I don’t have my own children and won’t be able to. I had the female organs removed. But even if we don’t, this points to the greater reality of how we are to nurture and foster life. If you say, “Well, I may not be able to have kids, or I’ve never had kids, or something like that, the fact that is pointing to how God designed us to be able to care for babies, but it’s actually pointing to a greater reality than that. 

Our taste and smell are different. Again, this goes back to women have better senses of taste and smell. They have on average 43 percent more cells and almost 50 percent more neurons in their olfactory bulb. This is the part of the brain that’s responsible for processing smells. 

Women usually have more taste buds than men. Women of child-bearing age taste flavors more intensely than younger or older females, and they may notice increased activity during pregnancy. And this is all about being able to taste and smell and avoid foods that are bad for the baby. 

Skin is about 25% thicker in males. They have higher densities of collagen; they are less sensitive to the cold. They sweat about 30–40 percent more than females. In our society today, a lot of men and women have desk jobs, but originally God created man to till the ground and for much harder physical work. So He’s given them greater protection in their skin, to be able to help them with that. 

There are differences in the heart even the lungs. Men have larger lung volumes than females. The carrying angle, this is interesting, we’re not as strong as males. God gave us weaker muscles and a different type of muscles. God designed women for different things like the carrying angle for a baby. Her arms come out wider, but it’s to be able to carry a baby in a way that’s different than a man, because our muscles aren’t quite as strong. 

There are actually different types of fibers, women tend to be much more flexible. Men have a lot more of fast switch fibers, so they have this explosive energy. I had been running for several years, and I love to go jogging. Perry had been jogging some but not as much. But I remember I said, I’ll race you to the van, and he shot past me and with such power and I was blown away. I thought, Where did that come from? 

Even if women are better at endurance, men have this explosive power and their muscles are just different. I will never forget that. I was just stunned by this energy. 

And then just the difference in the way our hips are designed, and of course the pelvis is more flexible to allow for the expanding birth canal. Differences in the knees, feet, every single part of the body is designed differently, and every part of the body speaks to the roles that God gave us. 

Men have broader shoulders, which speaks to his responsibility for the family’s provision. Shoulders in the Bible even represent the burden of the family. He is responsible for the family’s well-being. He is the protector; he bears the burden for teaching his family as the priest of the home. Universally, across every culture men are almost always taller, usually like four to six inches on average to be able to protect and cover the woman. The woman kind of fits perfectly under his arm. 

He is able to spring into action. He is able to run faster. He has longer legs and a stronger back. And so, Eve is more soft and flexible, and you know she is the helper and the nurturer. She’s responsible for nurturing life. She fits under his arm and at his side. 

Every part of her body is designed to create and nurture life. She has a better ability to recognize facial expression. She has a longer torso to accommodate the extra reproductive organs.

Think about this, this is often the first question when a woman is pregnant, people ask her is it a boy or is it a girl? And why is this the first thing God says, two things about human beings: that they are made in the image of God and they are male and female. 

And so, I began to think, we know they’re human, just because they’re coming from a human parent. But the first thing declared over a child is that they are male or female. 

I began to understand that this was something really profound. We know that this points to the fact that this is all about Christ and the Bride. A man is going to leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh, and for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh, this is a profound mystery but I am talking about Christ and the Bride. (see Eph. 5:31–32)

This is all about displaying the gospel. And really, masculinity and femininity display the full character of God.

One thing that I noticed that the way that God designed us, I was looking up the word for. You remember in Genesis where it says that God says that I will make a helper suitable for him? The word “suitable” is the word kenegd, which means “opposite of.” That’s really obvious, I can understand opposite of, but it also means “in front of or on the side of.”

And I was thinking, God that doesn’t make sense, I don’t understand what that has to do with it. And the Lord reminded me, when I was living as trans, I had a partner that was a man living as a woman, and it was so obvious to me that he was a man. He was dressing as a woman but this was clearly a man. I kept thinking why is this not real for him, why do I still feel like this is fake, because this was long before I figured out I was the fake one too. It is all fake. 

He was like a mirror to me. I could see the truth in him that I couldn’t see in myself. And the Lord reminded me, I had shared that so many times and I could see these qualities in him. Even though he’s acting like a women, he’s dressing like a woman, he’s taking the stereotypical women roles, he’s into more stereotypical women things . . . Oddly, this is so interesting, he was so feminine and had all of these effeminate things, until his brother came back into his life and reconnected him with his family. Then all of the sudden he really began to shed this desire to be female. He didn’t want to tell me at first, but he became more and more masculine as he reconnected with his brother. 

I think there were some deep wounds there. But anyway, that aside, the Lord was teaching me about this concept in front of and in the side of men and women display different characteristics of God. Men represent His strength, His protection, His provision, and things like that. 

And women represent His softer nature, His love, His relationship, His nurturing, how He cares for us. The qualities that men have are ways that women struggle to trust. Think about how we struggle to trust men that they will protect us, because we fear that they will hurt us. We struggle to think that they will provide for us, and things like that.

So, men display these characteristics of God that we don’t inherently understand, and we display that to them. When we are trying to be like men, we’re actually distorting the image of God that He’s created. 

There’s this complimentary nature of men. They are wired to protect, women need to be protected. Men wired to be providers; women need to be provided for. They’re wired to initiate, and we’re wired to respond. God created this beautiful picture to be in perfect harmony together. 

There are various childhood experiences that may plan into this. If someone is raised by a father who abuses their mother, they may see being a woman as unsafe. If they are sexually abused as a child, they may only see what her value may only be in what she can give sexually. If she’s not allowed to do things her brothers are allowed to do, she may see being a woman as restrictive and under privileged. If she had a really overbearing mother, she might reject her femininity. If she grew up playing with boys more, she might not know how to fit in with girls, and might think she doesn’t like them. These are just some various things I’ve heard.

But I think it can all lead to a distorted view of what it is to be a woman, when we start to not like being a woman, or we think maybe we’ve been undervalued and we think we’re not as good as men. Maybe we think that we are, but people don’t see us that way. Maybe we feel that men look down on us. 

Matt Walsh from the Daily Wire, I don’t know if anyone has seen this documentary, but he went around the country asking lots of people, “What is a woman?” And most people wouldn’t give him a straight answer. 

And in fact, most people say, well it’s really up to the person to define. I was a little disappointed at the end, he basically kind of comes to the conclusion that a woman is a biological female, which is true. But there is so much more to being a woman. But I really appreciate his work, it’s excellent on this. 

Why does God create these different perspectives? And why does He create us so differently? Again, this is all about Christ and the Bride, but I think another way we can look at this is, there is an experiment going on here. I don’t have props up here to do it with, but you can see even if you cover one eye and then you change to the other eye. Look at how different the image you see is. 

You can do this with markers. I tried this one day, you line them up in a perfectly straight line using both of your eyes, and then cover one eye at a time, and it looks like they are at a totally different angle. It’s because your brain actually processes two different images and puts them together into one complete picture. 

This is kind of like what it is with male and female, we actually process a different image. Just like the brain, we actually bring a full understanding to whatever we’re working on. 

So, we’re meant to work in harmony and compliment. Men display God’s strength, His protection, His work ethic, His leadership, His sacrifice, His pursuit. 

Women represent His gentleness, His nurturing, His relational design, His emotions, His affections, His encouragement. 

Now, you look at these pictures and it’s . . . Have you ever noticed when somebody where it’s not obvious that they are male or female, has there ever been a discomfort there?

We’re accused all of the time of being judgmental, but the reality is that God has created in each of us to recognize male or female. It’s actually confusing to the brain. We will sit there and look at someone and try to figure it out, and we’re not being judgmental. God has designed, because He wants us to recognize male and female. 

Studies have shown that, one of the first things that people recognize about a person is that if they are male or female. 

So, this was interesting. So, there’s these books. I highly recommend these if anyone hasn’t read them. There’s one called For Women Only and one called For Men Only, although I would read both, personally. But the one that’s for women only, she wrote about men for women to read. There was this question, “Would you rather feel alone and unloved in the world or inadequate and disrespected by everyone?” And I was thinking what kind of question is that? Like, who wants to be alone and unloved in this world? That seems obvious. 

She surveyed 400 men and 76% said they’d rather feel unloved and alone then inadequate and disrespected. We really have very different needs. And in fact, initially many of the men had a hard time answering, because they appeared to equate the two. 

If a man feels disrespected, he will actually feel unloved. 

I think really have both are rooted in the desire to be loved, but men feel love through respect; women feel love through security. Being secure in our relationships and needing to feel protected and safe. 

And so, what happens a lot of times, especially for men, men that are very secure a lot of times they haven’t had a very good father figure in their life, and a father’s job is to bring the boy away from mom. I mean, not permanently, not like you can’t talk to your mom. But just bring him out of the comfort of mom and say, “You are like me. Come with me,” and secure him in his manhood, and help him to see that he is a man, and to give him that confidence. 

Because think about it, God has created the man to lead and to bear the burden for the family, to protect. I mean those are some scary things. 

You know, I used to think that men had it so much easier concerning God’s design. I’m really grateful for the way He design me, because I like being protected, and I like being led and cared for. 

But men, if they’re not secured in that, a lot of times they really struggle with feeling inadequate. They feel like they don’t measure up as men. 

I work for a ministry in Oklahoma City called First Stone Ministry. We deal with a lot of sexual and relational brokenness. In most cases where men struggle with the gender issues or homosexuality, not always 100% of the time but almost always there’s an issue with the father. In most cases, they have not had a good relationship with their father. 

She also surveyed 400 men, “During a conflict, are you more likely to feel like your wife or significant other doesn’t respect me now or doesn’t love me now?” I can tell you if we’re in conflict, I’m always going to question if I’m being loved. But with men 81% say that he doesn’t feel respected. 

So, men need respect for his judgment and decision making. Respect his abilities. 

And this is funny, a lot of men don’t like to ask for directions, but a lot of men like to figure it out. I was reading some of these things. I was so fascinated about men. It’s like a conquest to them. You know, to be able to find these things out, they want to be believed in, I think is kind of the key. 

They want to be respected in their communication, in public and in private, especially in public. I have heard so many Christians talk about and disrespect their husbands in public with other people. It just shames a man. It’s devastating. It just makes the man feel like his woman doesn’t trust him, and he feels unloved, even if it’s a joke. 

I heard a comedian one day. I don’t remember who it was, but I was excited to watch this comedian. I had a little free time and I turned on YouTube. Within the first few minutes, she was totally making fun of her husband. Even though it’s lighthearted and everybody is laughing, I was about in tears. I thought, I can’t believe the way she is talking about her husband. Just that disrespect.

So, women need love to know and feel that they’re loved. They need to feel that reassurance; they need to be pursued. A man says that, in fact Perry said this, “Nagging feels like a weight is being put on me.” He said he’s not talking about me, but he says that if women disrespect him, and believe that I am going to fail than why should I try?

He reminded me of a verse that says, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works” (Heb. 10:24–25). So I was thinking about this idea, when you stir up batter, remember how it infuses energy into it. It’s living and it’s moving. But when we disrespect a man, it’s like it becomes stagnant. You think about a broth. If you leave it on a burner, it just goes stagnant, it’s going to burn. You’ve got to put in that energy. 

So, respecting a man is really about energizing him to believe in himself, and that you believe in him, that he’s able to do what God has called him to do. 

That’s part of our jobs as helping. That’s part of the reason I wanted to talk about this. One, because I just get so tired of the shaming of men in this culture and the emasculation of men. I hope that we can begin to see, because there are so many that have been hurt by men. I think we project these things on them, like men aren’t good, and they can’t be trusted, and all of these things. 

But God’s design of men is good, and we need men. 

So, if we’ve been hurt, we need healing from the Lord, not to cut off men, not to shame men. And so, I think that is what the Lord has kind of had on my heart with some of this. 

One day we were driving somewhere and I was telling Perry (this was several months before we got married) what I had been learning all of this stuff about biblical womanhood. I started spouting some of my views on this, how I was willing to submit to him and trust him and all of that. I looked over and he just about had tears in his eyes. Perry doesn’t not cry; he’s not a real emotional man. But I was kind of stunned. He said, “You’re willing to do that?”

There was kind of this disbelief tone in his voice, and I said, “Well, yes. I believe that’s what the Bible tells me.” And I said, “Now you realize, that puts a much greater burden on you. That means I am trusting you, and you’re going to stand before the Lord, and you’ll answer to the Lord on how you’re going to lead us.”

I wanted to make sure that was clear. “I not submitting to being your doormat. I am submitting to trust you, that God has put you into authority over me.” 

But I’ll never forget this. He sat up straighter, and he puffed out his chest. I mean, this man looked like he was ready to go slay giants. He was like, “Yes, I am willing to do that. I want to do that.” I could see that courage rising in him. I remember it spoke to me as a woman. I could feel that stirring in me like I was in line with how God had created me to be, infusing courage and energy into this man. It was like when a car has a tire that is out of alignment and is constantly pulling against the direction that the car is trying to go, or we could be in perfect alignment with the car and we can help it go in the direction that it’s trying to go. 

Because otherwise, that’s like a tug of war—which he has experienced in the past. He said that he was praying for somebody to be on the same team with him. I felt that language was kind of odd. I was telling him the other day that I love that he shares that, because I didn’t understand it at first, because I had never thought of a relationship like a team. But to a man, he is created for the work and God created a helper for him. That really is how God has wired him. 

So, I love this quote that the author of the books said, “Just as you want the man in your life to love you unconditionally, even when you’re not particularly lovable, your man needs you to demonstrate respect for him, regardless of whether he’s meeting your expectations at that moment.”

Now, that doesn’t mean we submit to him if he’s trying to get us to go against the Bible; that doesn’t mean that we submit to an abusive man. This is talking about respect in our communication, and believing in him that he is able to do what God has called him to do. Even if he is failing at that moment. 

And of course, we can shame, and we can shout them down. There is a verse I wanted to read. Give me just a second here. So, Proverbs 21:9 says it is “better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife” (NIV). “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife” (Prov. 21:19). 

When I started talking to men about this whole issue of respect . . . Sometimes we think that we are just trying to solve a problem. But to a man, they feel so unloved, they just want to shrink away and get away from it. 

And so, we need to find a way to communicate that is encouraging and that builds up. God designed the man to lead, and he’s fulfilling God’s purpose for his life when he leads. We need to encourage the men to lead. And if they are not leading in the way that you think that they should, pray and ask the Lord to help them lead and find ways to encourage them and not to put them down. 

But again, if they are leading you away from the Lord, against His Word, that’s a different situation. We need wisdom from the Lord in how to navigate that. We have to follow the Lord above anyone else in this life. But God has placed that man in your life as an authority. 

I was thinking about this emasculation of men. You think about some of these funny shows that I grew up on: The Cosby Show, Home Improvement, The King of Queens, and there were many more. But what a lot of these shows had in common was that they made the wife look like the smart one. She was in control, she ran the household, she made all of the decisions. The man was an absolute buffoon and completely disrespected and made fun of. Our entire culture laughed at it and thought it was hilarious. That was a lot of the entertainment that I grew up on, but it was emasculating men. And the problem is, what is an army like when there is no leadership? What are they going to accomplish?

Satan has tried to remove the leadership in this culture—godly leadership. In fact, I was told a couple of years ago, it was noticed in one of the Sunday schools, it was a young marrieds class. They said that men almost never talk. It’s always the women answering every question, they were the ones doing the homework, and they were the ones controlling the Sunday school, rather than helping the men to lead and helping them step into the role that God has created them to be. 

This rise of feminism is shaming men. They are teaching little boys that masculinity is toxic, and that it’s a bad thing. God created masculinity. Now, it can be sinful, just as women can be sinful. 

You know, our relational desires can be sinful, but their masculinity is a good thing. I already went over those verses. Then it goes back to Heaven rules. Does Heaven rule or do I? Does God rule? Is His design good? I think it is. 

Where we struggle in those areas of feeling like we’ve been undervalued, we’ve been hurt, we’ve been sinned against, the answer is not to shame men. The answer is not to shame women. Sometimes we don’t like other women. I didn’t like women growing up, because I had been so hurt by my mother. But then later in life I was hurt by men, and I was just angry at everybody. 

But I think that the point is, we need healing. We need healing from the Lord, because His design is good. We live in a sinful world that’s cursed by sin, and we are all raising other sinners in relationship with other sinners. There is sin in this world. We’re not ever going to get to the point when we’re not hurt by anybody. 

We’re not ever going to have perfect relationships this side of Heaven. But one day in Heaven we will be. That’s what he talks about a lot of times about how our relationships will be perfect one day. I think we’re all looking forward to that. 

There’s another book that I highly recommend for married couples especially but also just for anyone. Even if you’re not married, even if you don’t ever plan to be married, or if you’re widowed, whatever it might, we can teach these to other women, but also this helps you relate to male bosses, sons, brothers, ministers, whatever it might be. So, I think these principles are going to look different in a husband-and-wife relationship, but we can still apply these same things to any male relationship. 

Now, this was one of the coolest things, I did want to read this quote. In this book, he gave an example. He said he attended a military academy from eighth to twelfth grade. These were his observations. “The great leaders motivated their troops through unconditional honor.” So he gives this example:

Envision a U.S. marine general speaking to his men after observing them in training maneuvers that didn’t go well. “Men I believe in you more than you believe in yourselves. Get your heads up, look at me. I admire you more than you admire yourselves. Your performance stunk today, but I see more potential in this fighting unit than any in the world. Where you will be in six months will result in the world hearing of this fighting unit, and I am taking you there.” When a general respects their men and believes in them more than they believe in their selves, these soldiers want to improve; they want to get better; they want to fulfill their potential that the general sees in them. Not only are men willing to serve, they are willing to die in combat.

We have many women that fight as well, that are honorable. I am so grateful for the women that fight, but in this example what we are talking about is men with this deep-seated need to be respected. They need to be believed in. God has called them differently in a way than He’s called women. He’s called women, yes. We can have careers; we can be in ministry. I’m in ministry. We can be leaders at times, but this goes to our nature and how God has created us to be in relationship to help and encourage and respect men and to help them believe in themselves—to help them believe in themselves when they don’t believe in themselves. 

So, this is one of my favorite verses that the Lord really had on my heart before the wedding. It says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones” (Prov. 12:4 ESV).

I looked up the word “excellent.” There is the same word that is used in like the Proverbs 31 woman. It’s also translated as many other things like noble or whatever. But I thought of this idea of a crown. And a crown represents a symbol of authority. 

Now, the king already has authority, whether he wears the crown or not. In the same way, God has given man the spiritual authority of his home. And as women, we come under that. Whether it’s your minister or whatever it might be . . . Again, this is not necessarily a husband, but she is the crown of her husband. In other words, she displays to the world this authority that the man has been given. Think about this in spiritual terms. If you stand behind your husband or your male minister or your male boss, or whatever it may be, and you fight for him, and you encourage him, and you respect him, you’re putting the kingdom of darkness on notice that your husband or that man has the authority that God has given him. 

We have a great role as women. I think we’ve looked down on our role as being a helper. And again, it doesn’t mean that women can’t have positions of authority or lead, but this my heart in this, to help us as women understand that God’s design of men is good too. God’s design of men and women is both good, and He knows better than we do. 

Like I was pointing out earlier, our entire body is designed to display this. We are created for the man, but also not to be put under his feet, but to be protected by him, to be nurtured, and to be helping at his side. We were created from the side of the man to be a helper. 

Remember that God Himself calls Himself the Helper. We think of it in a negative sense, but God says that He is our help and our shield. And Psalm 37, “The Lord shall help them and deliver them” (v. 40). Psalm 46:1, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

The Holy Spirit specifically is called “The Helper.” Jesus said, “I will pray to the Father and send you a Helper that He may abide with your forever. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, who the Father sent in my name, He will teach you all things and bring to remembrance all things that I’ve said to you. But when the Helper comes, who shall send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who proceeds from the Father, He will testify of me.” 

And so, the Lord Himself calls Himself the Helper. It’s not a negative thing. 

The woman is intended to be a gift to the man. Again, if you’re not married, you can be a gift to the male ministers around you. You can be a gift even to other women, of course. But I think we can encourage the men in a way that sometimes other men don’t. Men always compare themselves to other men. A lot of times they feel inadequate. They struggle to see themselves the way that God created them to be, just like we struggle with that. 

And so, I think there is something unique in women that can help them believe in themselves. Again Eve was created from the side of Adam; she relational by nature. She was created for the man, and this is not a put down. She’s intended to be a gift to him. She’s to help him fulfill his God-given mission. She’s fulfilled by the relationship. 

I was just thinking earlier. My heart is so full from being here at this conference, because it’s relating for like three or four days. It’s just being in all of these relationships, and I just live to be in relationships. It’s hilarious to me that I ever thought I was a man, because it’s obvious as I started studying the difference between men and women, I was like, “Oh my goodness, if I had studied this before, it would be so obvious that I am a woman.” 

I live for relationships. I think when we don’t, when women are cut off from relationships, most of the time it’s because we’ve been hurt. We wall off our hearts, and we don’t want to let anybody in. 

That’s not the way God designed you. You will never find fulfillment in other things. Your true fulfillment comes in the way that God design you and embracing who He created you to be and allowing Him to fulfill you in that relationship. I mean, ultimately, only God is going to fulfill you. No man is going to fulfill you like He can, we know that. But what I am saying is that God created you to be relational. 

You can go through all types of stereotypical differences, as far as like our interests and things like that, that’s so shallow. God has created us with desires and needs so much deeper. God says He fashions our hearts alike. We really are created with these basic needs. 

Think about Mary, the responsive heart that she had when the angel of the Lord came and told her that she was going to bear this child that was going to be the Son of God. She said, “I am the Lord’s servant. May Your Word be fulfilled to me.” 

Think about what God was asking her to do. And yet, she had this responsive heart to the Lord. I think a lot of times as women, we want to take control, especially if we’re afraid of our circumstances. If we don’t feel secure, we don’t feel safe. These are deep needs that women have. 

And so, a lot of times we try to control. I have prayed so many prayers like this. Have you ever prayed and told God or asked God to do your will? How many times do we pray and ask Him to do our will? Instead of doing His will? And this is about that responsive heart. Do you think that Mary was praying and asking God to bear the Son of God? I don’t think so. 

But the word “respect” means “to revere or to be in awe of.” It’s actually the same word that’s used in the Old Testament. I mean, one is Greek and one is Hebrew. But if you look in the Septuagint, which is the Greek translation of the Old Testament, the same word that used as the respect of men in the New Testament is the same as the one talking about the fear of the Lord in the Old Testament. It’s about that deep reverence and to be in awe of God’s good design. 

Not to believe that man is perfect, but to respect and to be in awe of how God created us. For us to help men be confident in their ability to lead, to help them in their design and praising their masculinity, especially to little boys. 

There is an epidemic in this culture of little boys and girls thinking they’re boys, but also with little boys believing that masculinity is bad. And a lot of times, especially when there is no father in the home, they’re being raised by women. They need women. They need to be nurtured. But most of them have female teachers, most of them have female Sunday school teachers, and they’re not getting that masculine influence in their life that they need to help them be confident men. 

I talk to so many parents whose kids are identifying as trans, they’re non-binary and all of these things. Almost every case, they don’t have a good father figure. They are full of anxiety. Think about if God . . . You may not even realize it consciously, but if God created you to lead and you if you’ve ever led something . . . Think about something you’ve led—an organization or a group or a Bible study or whatever—but if you felt totally unequipped and unprepared, and you had no confidence in your ability to lead, think about all of the anxiety you’d feel.

But a man is wired to lead. If he has no confidence in that, they are just full of anxiety, and they don’t even know why.

It’s because they have this deep calling that they don’t even know, even if they haven’t committed their life to Christ. God has called them whether they know it or not, and God has designed them this way. And so, there is this deep need for this. 

And again, we have this shaming of men and this toxic masculinity that’s just not true. 

I’ve learned that embracing my femininity, the more I am willing to embrace my femineity, the more it brings out masculinity and vice versa. You’re able to see this beautiful harmonious display of the gospel. 

Now, it’s interesting, people will say that there are examples in nature of transgender animals or weird things like behavior and stuff. But I’ll tell you, there are chickens that will begin to act like a rooster, and they will try to crow and all of this, and they will strut around like they own the place. But I’ll tell you, the only time this happens is when there is no rooster. 

It's not because the chicken woke up one day and felt like a rooster. It’s because there is a lack of what’s supposed to be there. It creates this void, because inherently the chickens know there’s supposed to be a rooster. It’s like, “Well, there’s none here, so I’ll be the rooster.” 

I love this quote from Matthew Henry, “Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him. Not from the top of his head to top him to rule over him, not from his feet to be trampled by him, but by his arm to be protected by him. Near to his heart to be loved by him.”

So, I hope today that you see God’s good design of both male and female. If you struggle with this or if you’re hurting, if you have emotional walls, I just want to encourage you to talk to somebody. Talk to your pastor, talk to your women’s minister, talk to somebody. Work through some of these things. The longer that we stay bitter or resentful or we have unforgiveness, it’s only going to affect our future relationships. God wants us to live healed and in good relationships with other women and with other men. 

And so, let me pray for you. Heavenly Father, I just thank You for these things that You’ve taught us today. Thank You for Your good design and Your sovereign wisdom. Thank You that we get to be a part of Your story and that we get to display Your gospel. I think You for how this represents Christ and the Bride. Thank You for reminding us, Lord, that this is really about You. Help us to trust You. Help us to believe in You. Help heal our hearts. Lord, I pray that You would bring healing to any women here who is struggling in any kind of relationship. Lord, I just pray that You would bring healing to their hearts. I thank You for each and every woman You brought here. In Jesus’ name, amen.