Open Hearts, Hard Relationships

Fraught. Complicated. Tenuous. On-again, off-again. Volatile. 

While these words might describe many teenage romances, they also aptly characterize the apostle Paul’s relationship with the Corinthian church. Scripture tells us that Paul spent eighteen months in Corinth, evangelizing and discipling believers (Acts 18:1–17), made one “painful visit” to address ongoing sin issues (2 Cor. 2:1), and wrote at least four letters to instruct these young believers and call those living in rebellion to repentance. Two of those letters, of course, are found between Romans and Galatians in your Bible; references to the other two appear within those epistles themselves (1 Cor. 5:9; 2 Cor. 2:4). 

Spend any time in the Corinthian letters, and you’ll quickly see that the Corinthians were often frustrated with Paul and didn’t always respond well to his correction. Yet Paul remained devoted to shepherding this body of believers—no matter how difficult the relationship became. 

As he appealed to the Corinthians not to “receive the grace of God in vain” (2 Cor. 6:1), he anticipated that they might attempt to excuse their sin by blaming his attitude toward them. Preempting that charge, Paul made this striking claim: 

We have spoken openly to you, Corinthians; our heart has been opened wide. We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. (2 Corinthians 6:11–12)

The Corinthians’ hearts, Paul said, had closed toward him. How had they arrived there? And how can we avoid falling into the same trap? To answer those questions, let’s consider the symptoms of both a closed-off heart and an open one.

Symptoms of a Closed-Off Heart

1. You start to believe the worst. 

Despite evidence to the contrary stacked sky-high, the Corinthians repeatedly chose to believe the worst narrative about Paul—questioning his motives, his ministry, and his credentials. One of the first signs that a heart is closing off is the shift from believing the best to assuming the worst.

A text message goes unanswered, and you conclude the other person has turned against you. A missed greeting on Sunday morning must mean they want nothing to do with you—ever again. You get the picture. When your heart hardens toward someone, you begin interpreting everything they do in the most negative light possible.

2. You become unapproachable.

In the first half of 2 Corinthians, Paul painstakingly explained why he chose to write rather than visit again—a decision the Corinthians had also interpreted in the worst possible way. The short answer was simple: he feared another visit would be as painful as the last one (2 Cor. 2:1). The Corinthians had become so resistant to correction that Paul had to proceed with extreme care.

Here we see another symptom of a closed-off heart: an inability to receive even loving correction. Any attempt to confront or counsel is met with defensiveness or hostility. Because you assume the worst, you believe the other person is simply out to get you. The plank in your own eye is evident to everyone but you (Matt. 7:3).

3. You become divisive. 

Along with several other unflattering monikers, the Corinthian church is the poster child for divisiveness. While Paul addressed much of this in his first canonical letter, by the time of 2 Corinthians, their divisiveness had turned particularly against him. Rather than sticking with Paul (as he had stuck with them), they cozied up to false apostles and teachers (6:14–18). 

This reveals yet another symptom of a closed-off heart: a preference for division over unity. At this stage, reconciliation no longer feels desirable. It seems far easier to walk away and seek a more comfortable relationship elsewhere. You may not be splitting a church, but a closed-off heart never fosters unity in the Body of Christ—or in a home or workplace.

That’s the sobering news. The good news is that Paul’s example offers us a gracious antidote.

Symptoms of an Open, Accepting Heart 

1. You’re willing to have hard conversations. 

Paul was not a shy man, nor was he afraid to have difficult conversations. However, the Corinthians definitely gave him a run for his money on this count. Had I been in his position, I likely would have given up on the rebels in Corinth and let Apollos (or anyone else, for that matter) have them. But Paul didn’t do that. He persisted in having hard conversations—even when they were costly and painful. 

However, Paul didn’t always rely on a single approach. He alternated between letters (including a “severe letter” and 1 Corinthians), a “painful visit,” and then back to a letter again (2 Corinthians). He persevered in having these hard conversations because he couldn’t bear the thought that they might prove to be the “rocky soil” described in Jesus’ parable (Mark 4:5, 16–17). He longed to “[snatch] them from the fire” (Jude 23) and to “restore [them] in a spirit of gentleness” (Gal. 6:1 ESV). He did this not for his own sake but for theirs. 

2. You remain committed to reconciliation.

Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 5 that as an ambassador of Christ, he had been entrusted with the “ministry of reconciliation” (vv. 16–21). While this certainly includes evangelism and discipleship, the letter itself demonstrates another dimension of reconciliation: the pursuit of restored relationships.

Paul lived out the truth that those reconciled to God through the gospel will seek peace with others, as far as it depends on them (Rom. 12:18). The process was exhausting and often discouraging, but Paul refused to abandon it. His heart remained wide open to this troubled church.

3. You keep moving toward the other person.

Each time the Corinthians pulled away, Paul leaned in. When they gravitated toward false teachers, he pursued them still. While there are circumstances that may require distance—temporarily or permanently—Paul’s example reminds us that perseverance is sometimes the faithful response.

They stepped back; Paul stepped forward. He wrote another letter, sent trusted messengers, and eventually returned himself. Though he had ample reason to walk away, love compelled him to keep moving toward them.

As we close, an important clarification is necessary. Paul’s relationship with the Corinthians, though deeply challenging, was not abusive. While they wounded him and questioned his integrity, this was not an abusive dynamic. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, please seek wise, biblical counsel, and don’t construe my words to say that you must “hang in there” in an abusive relationship. Faithful obedience does not require enduring harm, and reconciliation may need to occur from a distance—or not at all.

For most of us, though, we can think of at least one relationship where we can feel our hearts beginning to close off. We’ve stopped believing the best and have started fantasizing about moving on and perhaps have even become unapproachable. My friend, don’t give up too quickly. Press in and press on—entrusting yourself to the God of the gospel, who alone can do the heart work of reconciliation.