What Is Gentle Parenting?

Dannah Gresh: Gentle parenting. What is it? Is it helpful or hurtful? Tanner Kay Swanson helps you develop a balanced perspective.

Tanner Kay Swanson: The best parts of gentle parenting can be found in God's wisdom, and it doesn't have to come directly from gentle parenting sources. I don't want to say that all things in gentle parenting are bad, but if we're going to start and end there, I think it's going to be problematic.

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, author of Holiness: The Heart God Purifies, for August 12, 2026. I’m Dannah Gresh.

Tanner Kay Swanson is a wife, mother, editor, and guest contributor at Desiring God. She and her husband, T.J., live in beautiful Aurora, Colorado with their two boys. Tanner, I am really thankful to have you here today. Thanks for being on Revive Our Hearts! 

Tanner Kay: Yes, thanks for having me, Dannah. It's a pleasure.

Dannah: You know, our producer, Phil, forwarded an article that you wrote for the Desiring God blog immediately I was like, “Yeah, we have to talk to this girl.” The title is “Just and Gentle Parenting.” I've heard so much about this gentle parenting movement, and I've been just craving for someone to speak into it from a biblical perspective. 

For those who've never heard those two words together, gentle parenting, what is the context, and what kind of meaning does that have in the parenting conversation today?

Tanner Kay: Yes, I think maybe the first thing to say about gentle parenting is that it’s kind of an umbrella term. When I talk to friends or do research about gentle parenting, what I’ve found is that a lot of people use those words to refer to a broad spectrum of things.

But in general I would say that gentle parenting, in the last thirty years, has been born out of a really intense focus on the parent/child relationship and trying to create a secure attachment, is what child psychologists would say, between a parent and a child. And to do that, they use things like empathy and respect in trying to really communicate clearly with your children.

So, I think the way that it’s played out in different homes is different from person to person, but in general it’s going to be a parenting philosophy that focuses on creating a secure attachment between a parent and a child.

It’s done through a parent making sure that children feel respected, that they feel listened to, that they feel empathized with. And then again, the way that that is borne out is going to change from mom to mom and dad to dad.

Dannah: Okay, so let's drill down. When you say, “secure attachment” . . . I think, Okay, I would like my children to feel secure and attached to me, both of those things. Is that a good term or is it a bad term: “secure attachment”?

Tanner Kay: I think that from a child psychology perspective, what they’re trying to do is say, “We want our children to feel like we are a ‘base’ from which they can explore the world safely and feel like they can come back and have this really secure anchor.”

So I agree, when you hear a phrase like “secure attachment,” you think, Oh, yes, I want that too! I think that potentially one of the main problems with something like gentle parenting, and overemphasizing some of these terms, is that they’re coming from a secular place. It’s not coming from the Bible, ultimately.

A lot of people who use gentle parenting, as Christians, don’t realize that they’re starting with a secular psychology and then trying to take it back to the Bible. That is just a really tricky thing to do sometimes, when there are going to be unbiblical doctrines that are baked into that child psychology.

Dannah: I feel like psychology has been somewhat useful in terms of getting some language and diagnosing things that are real problems in our world. But I also think that psychology has overstepped its bounds and that it’s almost useless in terms of prescribing healing for the things we’re able to define.

What is your opinion on why it would be a danger zone for us to anchor our parenting in something that is anchored in psychological ideology?

Tanner Kay: I think the main reason would be that when you’re starting from a place of an academic philosophy or child psychology, the people who have developed those theories are not found in Christ. 

So when you’re not found in Christ, you’re going to find unbiblical teaching generally spread all throughout, even if there is general wisdom. Because we want to make sure that we acknowledge that God gives wisdom abundantly to all kinds of people.

But that wisdom is general wisdom, it’s not going to be a special relation that comes from the Scriptures. And so, I think we just need to be careful that we’re not starting there and then trying to work our way back to the Bible, because that’s going to be very difficult to do.

Dannah: Yes. I would take it a step further and say that many of the prominent leaders and founders of psychology—I’m talking decades ago—when you look at the long-term outcome of their lives, they died very unhappy. Not all of them, but many of them. 

The worldly ideologies that they established for us to have wellness and happiness didn’t work for them. And that really concerns me, one of my husband’s favorite Bible verses (I’m not sure of the address of it), but it’s a verse that Paul wrote to Timothy, saying. . . 

“Be faithful to the things that you’ve been taught, because you can trust the ones who have taught you” (see 2 Tim. 2:2). And I think that’s kind of what you’re getting to. We have to be able to trust the people who are guiding our life decisions, and maybe psychology isn’t where we should go for that.

We should probably go to Scripture! That’s why we’re here every day, to turn women to the truth of God’s Word. So going back to the phrase, “gentle parenting,” what can we apply Scripture to what you’re seeing happen and how those words are being used in parenting?

Tanner Kay: Well, I think a lot of times when Christian parents hear the term “gentle parenting,” they see the word, “gentle,” and they think, Oh, gentleness, that’s a fruit of the Spirit. This must inherently be a good thing.

But biblical gentleness is not going to be played out the way that child psychology gentleness is going to be played out. Because biblical gentleness is always balanced by, specifically, the other attributes of God that God wants to see His people living in, like justice.

Whereas gentleness from a psychology perspective is just going to try to understand gentleness in its own terms, as they see it being good for the secure attachment and child flourishing, and all of those things, which again, that is great. But like you’re saying, true flourishing isn’t going to come from listening to statistically significant research, even if it’s going to have some wisdom baked into it. That’s wonderful, but we need to try to understand gentleness as Scripture does.

And gentleness is always going to be paired with other balancing attributes, like justice, like righteousness, like the desire to see others grow in their knowledge and ministry in the Lord. So we want to make sure that we’re not just ending with gentleness and not going anywhere else.

Because I think that can be one struggle for parents, thinking, Oh, gentleness in and of itself, that’s why. But there are so many other attributes that God wants parents to both parent with and instill in their children.

Dannah: I’ve had so many questions about gentle parenting, like, “How does gentle parenting work when your child is playing near a highway? How does that apply?” Or your child is willfully rebellious and they are continually just demonstrating disrespect to authority—maybe parental authority, maybe teaching or spiritual authorities in their lives—how does it work there?

Tanner Kay: Yes, that’s a great question, and actually it makes me think of a time that I watched gentle parenting play out near me. My son was playing, and another boy actually hit him, and the parent in response asked the child, “Do you need to go potty?”

And the way that I saw that interaction playing out is that the behavior was not a wrongful behavior in the way that it was addressed; it was just that there was an external factor, like needing to go potty, that was causing the child to act out.

And so, in that situation, gentle parenting—at least some gentle parents—are not going to correct the behavior, they’re going to try to fix the external factor that’s causing the behavior. Which I think is what you’re saying: What are parents going to do when children are being unsafe?

It’s tricky. What are you going to do? Are you just going to try to pull them out of the situation and take them potty or give them a snack, or whatever it is? I think that God’s Word gives a clearer mandate for correction and admonishment in those kinds of situations. 

Rather than just trying to communicate to children, “What you did wasn’t wrong,” you just have a problem that you need to solve.” 

Dannah: Yes, so it’s not that the child has no responsibility in their reactivity to things, in other words, no sin?

Tanner Kay: Yes, I think that is maybe one of my main concerns with gentle parenting. Again, because it’s coming from secular psychology, it’s not going to have a doctrine of original sin and a doctrine of total depravity.

Instead, it’s going to say that children are inherently good, and when they’re not acting good it’s because of some factor outside of their control. It’s not coming from their heart, it’s coming from their environment, which is contrary to what the Bible teaches.

Dannah: I have the world’s most wonderful grandchildren, Tanner. They are practically perfect!

Tanner Kay: That’s great. 

Dannah: But I see their sinfulness real early! You know, you do look differently at your grandchildren than you do your children. I think there’s more tolerance, more patience, you’re not with them as much . . . and it’s not your job entirely. 

I mean, the Bible does say grandparents and parents are supposed to teach children the truth of God’s Word. There is just a tolerance, but I see the sinfulness. Now, that does have to be corrected, but is it possible that this gentle parenting movement was a backlash because perhaps some parents weren’t correcting and disciplining their children and teaching them justice, from a place of self-control? Is that where it’s coming from? Where did the gentle parenting movement originate?

Tanner Kay: I think that’s definitely a big part of it. I have read several books that either are implicitly or explicitly gentle parenting books. A lot of times the introductions to those books say things like, “Do you want to stop yelling at your kids?” and “Are you tired of being angry all the time?”

And I don’t know any parent that wouldn’t say, “Yes! I don’t want to be angry; I don’t want to yell at my kids!” So I think a lot of times, gentle parenting draws people in by pointing to the misuse of authority and saying, “Hey, don’t misuse your authority, like maybe your parents did, or like you’ve heard others doing, or like you see in the news, or like you yourself are doing.” 

Then parents are like, “Yes, that’s what I need! I need to not be angry all the time!” 

And then they get drawn into gentle parenting, I think, because they’re trying to say that abusive authority is so bad that we should just not use authority at all. But I think the issue with that is that starting a parenting philosophy from the place of, “Do you want to stop being angry?” is a very different question from starting your parenting from a place of, “Do I want to honor God?”

I think that is one of the key issues, is the fundamental questions that are being asked by gentle parenting versus what Scripture asks. Scripture wants us to honor the Lord with our hearts, soul, mind, and strength, and see our kids doing that as well.

And a philosophy that’s just trying to get us off of anger is not necessarily going to promote that whole picture of honoring the Lord, too. So it’s great that we want to stop being angry, we want to stop misusing authority, but the psychology is pretty much going to stay there.

It’s not going to round out the picture of giving people Christ-like biblical parenting in the home; to not just use gentleness, but also justice and righteousness and some of those other things that I mentioned.

Dannah: So how do we balance it? You now, there’s a wreck on both sides of the road, right? There’s the overcorrecting for authority that maybe wasn’t healthy and self-controlled and discipling. 

Honestly, when you talk about that, I think, Oh, that’s just all over our culture everywhere! Like, there’s this presupposition that because some people have misused authority, we should dismantle all authority structures, right? And this is just an application of that to parenting that you’re talking about. But, how should we be balancing it? I’m going to give you an example. I’m going to put you to the test. Here we go.

Tanner Kay: Great!

Dannah: My three-and-a-half year old grandson, Theo, was over the other night, and we have an air purifier in our living room. It’s just this little one-foot square, three feet tall little quiet whirring machine that supposedly takes all the particles out of the air that aren’t good for my asthma. 

Theo looks at me with a rock in his hand, holding it over the grid at the top of this thing, and he looks at me defiantly, as if, “Do you think I’m going to do it or not?!” I'm like, “Theo, don’t drop that rock!” Boom! He drops the rock! Rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle.

Okay, how would a gentle-parenting parent respond to that moment, and then how would a parent who’s using God’s Word to apply to their discipleship and their discipline respond to that moment?

Tanner Kay: Sorry that happened to you, but good analogy of the situation!

Dannah: Yes, we did fix it.

Tanner Kay: Great! Yes, I think that what a gentle parent would potentially do would be first try to re-state to Theo what he was feeling that would have made him do that. So maybe it would be something like this . . .

“Theo, you’re feeling bored and you want something to do that’s fun, so you took a rock and you put it down my air purifier! Do you see why that wouldn’t be a good idea? We should find something more fun to do? Would you like to do this or this?”

And so first you’re, in a way, excusing the behavior, because you’re saying, “Oh, it wasn’t because you wanted to potentially cause mischief. That wasn’t the reason. You were bored, and boredom is bad. So let’s try to remove the boredom so that you don’t act in this way.”

And generally, a lot of times, what gentle parents will do to redirect is then give a question that tries to pull the child out of that behavior. So, “Would you like to do this instead?” Which, again, that can be really great, and I use that all the time, especially with young-end children. It’s good to redirect them, but it’s not good to redirect endlessly and to never try to get to the heart of why the child might have been doing that, outside of boredom.

And so I think a Christian parent, instead, would look at Theo, and could still ask questions. I think gentle parenting does a great job asking questions. So a Christian parent might say, “Theo, why did you do that?” You could ask a question to start. But it can’t end with questions. It needs to be an explanation and an admonishment not to do things that would hurt God’s world and hurt something that helps Grandma.

Like, “Theo, this helps me to breathe better. When you put this rock down here, you’re actually hurting the air that Grandma breathes! Do you understand that, buddy?” I think it’s good to make children feel—within reason, within their capacity—that sin is wrong and that it hurts! 

Gentle parenting is going to try to avoid feelings of shame in children. They don’t want children to feel shame or pain or like they have caused any tension in a relationship with a parent or grandparent. 

I think Christian parenting, within reason and within the frame of a child, wants them to feel that sin hurts, and that it causes pain. And so I think a gentle parent, in that situation, would not do that. But a Christian parent does that within reason, and tries to get them to feel the gravity of, “That was wrong, that could have caused problems!”

And if it was a parent, and not a Grandma, you could have a consequence if you wanted to. It could be whatever consequence is fitting for your child.

Dannah: “NanaDannah,” that’s what they call me—one word. I love that you said something that gentle parenting gets right: asking questions. One of the things I hear Christians do a lot of times is, when there’s a movement like gentle parenting, we just demonize it instead of really examining, “Are there some things here where we as Christians could push re-set on how we’re communicating with our kids?” What habits have we learned that maybe aren’t as healthy as they need to be. 

But to your point, my biggest concern about what Theo did (and he was bored; you hit that nail on the head!) was that he disobeyed me. I was intrigued by the curiosity of, “What will happen if I put this rock down in there where I see these motors?” 

I was actually intrigued by that. I was like, “Oh, Theo might be an engineer one day! None of my other grandkids have ever been interested in the motor in there.” But he disobeyed me! I said, “No.” That was my bigger concern.

Because I could fast-forward to Theo as a high school kid in school, looking at his teacher defiantly. And so, that is sin. Disobedience. It really is the first sin, right? And so, as Christian parents we want to address that. But I love that you are saying let’s not demonize this, let’s learn from this as well.

Tanner Kay: I had forgotten that you had told Theo “no” at the start of his rock-dropping! I think that is really important when it comes to understanding when to give consequences or not. Gentle parenting leans on you don’t get a consequence. Like I said, the gentle parent would just re-direct.

If a child knows that this is explicit disobedience, and it’s not an up-in-the-air question of, “Is this thing wrong? Do I know if I can do this thing or not?” Then consequences are important so that they know, “I disobeyed, and that disobedience was wrong, and here’s the consequence to help me understand the wrongfulness of that choice.”

Dannah: You seem to have studied this very thoroughly!

Tanner Kay: I have tried to. I live in a context where gentle parenting is practiced both inside and outside the church, and I really wanted to understand its best possible presentation of itself so that I could engage with it. And engage not from a position of, “I don’t know what this is really doing, so I’m just going to call it crazy!” But instead, really try to understand the best possible argument for it, and then really understand how that doesn’t line up with Scripture. So, both understand the parents around me and the movement itself and to be able to speak into it.

Dannah: So what do you want to say to the Christian mom who’s listening, that says, “I’m practicing gentle parenting. I am one of those moms inside the church that’s applying these principles.” What would you say to her, because she might be bristling a little bit at your concern right now.

Tanner Kay: Yes, I would just ask her to make sure that she has done a dive into the roots of gentle parenting. There are some really great articles that have been written online. There is one by the Gospel Coalition that I link into in my article, that talks about the roots of gentle parenting.

Look into those roots, if you haven’t already, because a lot of the parents that I talk to, I don’t think they have. They don’t see the way that secular ideology is being played out in the parenting style. So, look into the roots.

And then I would also say that gentle parenting is not the only option in parenting. I think a lot of times people think, Oh well, this is the best ideology that’s out there, because it’s telling me that I won’t hurt my kids and that my kids won’t grow up to walk away from our family.

Because, that’s how gentle parenting, I think, is kind of promoting itself. In a lot of ways it’s, “Do you want to make sure that your kids feel safe with you and that they feel empathized with and respected?” And Christian parents are often answering those questions, “Yes!”

I think we just want to make sure that we are going to Scripture first to answer how we can do that, instead of to gentle parenting. So, look at the roots, and then go to Scripture and see that Scripture also cares about respect, and Scripture also cares about being able to sympathize with people who are different and weaker than you.

Scripture also cares about communication and being peaceable. So, I think that the best parts of gentle parenting can be found in God’s wisdom, and it doesn’t have to come directly from gentle parenting sources.

Like you’ve said, I don’t want to say that all things in gentle parenting are bad, but if we’re going to start and end there, I think it’s going to be problematic. 

Dannah: As anything is, when we don't apply Scripture to it.

I want to talk to you, sweet listener, for a moment. I hope you’re finding this conversation to be thought-provoking and helpful. 

Maybe you’d like to study this topic further between today’s episode and tomorrow’s. If so, you’ll find Tanner’s article linked in the transcript. It’s titled Just and Gentle Parenting. Just visitReviveOurHearts.com for all that, or look up today’s transcript on the Revive Our Hearts app.

We love responding to cultural conversations with the truth of Scripture here on Revive Our Hearts, and we’re able to do that because of listener support. If you’ve enjoyed our resources and want to partner with us, now would be a wonderful time to give! Donations do tend to slow down during the summer months, and we don’t want to slow down our ministry efforts. 

When you give, we’ll send you the Beauty in Every Season photo book as our thanks. This resource includes gorgeous photography taken by our staff, and it contains thirty days of encouragement from Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth. Again, to donate and request your photo book, you can visit ReviveOurHearts.com, or call us at 1-800-569-5959. 

Well, Tanner, I have some questions rolling through my head. For example, what are the roots of the gentle parenting movement? I want to know a little bit more about that. And you keep using the word “justice,” so I want to dig into how we apply justice to our parenting, and maybe our grandparenting as well. Would you come back tomorrow so we can talk a little about that?

Tanner Kay: I would love to.

Dannah: Looking forward to it. Thank you for listening today! Please be back for Revive Our Hearts.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

 

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