Beyond Clichés: Real Encouragement for Single Sisters

This episode contains portions from the following programs:

"Glorifying God through Singleness"

"Not a Problem to Fix"

"Contentment in Singleness"

---------------------

Dannah Gresh: If you’re single today, you might feel a little tired of the questions and clichés. Have you ever showed up to a family gathering only for an aunt to ask, “So, anyone special in your life these days?” Maybe Uncle Fred hopped in with a timeless word of wisdom. “It’ll come when you least expect it.” 

I know—you’ve probably heard it all.

“When I was really content in my singleness—that's when God brought me my husband.”
“When you stop wanting it so much, it’ll come.”

Not only are these pieces of advice unhelpful, they’re unbiblical—a sneaky form of the prosperity gospel which suggests that when we’re faithful enough, God will give us what we want. 

Thank goodness that’s not the case! The true gospel is so much sweeter. It’s not about getting what we want, but what God knows is truly best for us. Scripture moves us beyond clichés, providing real encouragement for single sisters. And we’re gonna soak in that encouragement today.

You’re listening to Revive Our Hearts Weekend. I’m Dannah Gresh. 

Our first guest is a dear friend of mine and of Revive Our Hearts. Colleen Chao has learned to trust God in the midst of a whole lot of life’s circumstances that she would not have chosen for herself. Most recently, it’s been her ongoing journey through Stage IV breast cancer. 

Before that, she would also point to the lessons that she learned during the years when she was a single woman who longed to be married. Not too long ago, I had the chance to sit down with Colleen to ask about that. My friend Michelle Hill joined the conversation as well. Here’s Colleen.

Colleen Chao: I think one of the things that helped me a lot was kind of giving up this ideal of “arriving at contentment,” and instead knowing that day by day I would run into the arms of Jesus. I could not “arrive” at something that some people, I think, wanted me to “arrive” at. 

The clichés, “Once you’re content, you’ll find the guy the next day.” And there were days I was content, and then there were days I wrestled so hard and I grieved. I think that was the gift in it. I was needing to go to Christ daily, and not arriving at this new state of being, but knowing Him on the daily—sometimes hourly basis—of saying, “God, this is so hard! I don’t understand what You’re doing, but I know You’re good!” 

As I stayed in the Word, it became alive to me in a new way through singleness. And it’s interesting, I experienced His love in such a real and tangible way because of those hard days and years.

I remember a couple of married friends (and neither state is better or worse) saying, “I don’t experience Jesus like you do.” And I think it was that daily running into Him so desperately, because I could not deny the fact that God had put in me these emotional, relational, physical desires. They were good; they weren’t bad. 

But for some reason, He was saying, “Not yet, or maybe not ever.” And to go to Him became this beautiful love relationship and strength.

Sometimes we believe the lie that if I’m content, it means I’m not uncomfortable.

Dannah: I love how real you are. You know, when Paul writes about contentment, he’s doing it from a prison cell. He’s also asking for a cloak! He’s cold; he’s not comfortable. I think sometimes we believe the lie that if I’m content, it means I’m not uncomfortable.

And you’re saying, “I was able to find the contentment, but I also realized that there was a discomfort each day there.”

Michelle Hill: Colleen, you had said that there were layers to singleness. What are some of the layers that are there to singleness? 

Colleen: I think one of them is potentially the misunderstanding of singleness, and maybe the misconceptions of it, which I would have had, too, had I not walked through it. But some of the trite answers or clichés are so painful to a single woman who is longing to honor God and walk by faith.

Things like the quick fixes: “Why don’t you change churches,” or “Maybe if you did this or that,” or “What if you lost weight? “What if you wore more makeup?” These very simplistic things to try to kind of “fix a problem.”

And at times that’s what I felt like, that I was a problem to be fixed, instead of being surrounded by faith and encouragement. I mean, we’re in a broken world, we all get this wrong. I’ve said such hurtful things to people who are in seasons that I’ve never experienced.

We’re not looking to each other to be God. But I think for the single woman—for me and for many that I’ve talked with—those are so painful, those comments and those misunderstandings which come at a time when you’re already feeling a little isolated or lonely. So that was one layer.

Different layers of, what does this look like in a world that is set up for couples. I’m going to sit by myself at a table for couples. What does this look like? How do I do this? How do I go to another bridal shower or baby shower, when I would just love the great date with the potential great guy!

Those feelings are complex emotionally and mentally and relationally. There were times I would just sit out a wedding because I was too tender to go to yet another one. I think that’s hard to explain when you’re in it. So, I could go on and on, but I feel like there are just so many nuances in everyday life.

Especially, I think, within the church. Because we value marriage, we love marriage, we celebrate it, we love children. These are good beautiful gifts from God that the world may not value. But because we value them, when we don’t follow that typical pattern of life, it is very strange, and you feel like a square peg in a round hole.

So, trying to figure out how to do that in a way that still promotes unity, that doesn’t lead to a resentful heart or a distance of spirit. That was a learning curve for me, all the way to the end, how to do that well and to kind of navigate some misunderstandings. 

Even being asked to leave a small group because they were all couples and they wanted to be able to talk about sex. It was a small church, and I didn’t know where else to go in that church.

Michelle: It’s hard!

Colleen: I didn’t blame anyone in that group. It made sense to me. They were trying to protect me from feeling awkward, but finding that belonging and that community so you’re not ostracized or lonely beyond what intrinsically is lonely about singleness.

Dannah: You just referenced something that I think is really important. You bravely have talked about a topic that is pretty sensitive, and that is that a single woman does have physical desires. She wants to be touched; she wants to be held. 

A lot of times my heart is deeply burdened for those Christian women who are like, “Well, I need a sexual outlet! I mean, I can’t live without a sexual outlet!” That’s the lie that the world tells us.

It’s not a new lie. If you go back to 1 Corinthians chapters 6–7, Paul says, “Hey, the world is saying, ‘Food for the stomach, the stomach for food’ (see 1 Cor. 6:13). He was quoting a popular saying from the Greek culture that basically would say, “Sex is like food. You need it; you can’t live without it. It’s just your body.”

But you’ve written about that in a really brave way. How did you deal with those desires and take them to the Lord and channel them so that they weren’t destructive and they didn’t lead you to something sinful?

Colleen: Yes, well I think all of life, in every season and in every state, we’re denying ourselves something, because the eternal perfect feast has not come yet. So in that sense, it was singleness for me. One of the hardest parts of self-denial was definitely the physical. 

Some women have a different experience, but for me, that was very, very, very challenging! I think it was definitely a learning curve, over time, of how to deal with that, of how to manage those passions.

You can go to extremes in saying, “These are bad!” And that’s one way we can deal with these feelings, in shaming them, and saying they’re bad. But God was giving me such a neat perspective and freedom to say, “These are beautiful!”

“So if, Colleen, I’m having you wait to express these beautiful desires, there’s a great purpose behind this! There’s a fantastic story being written that’s even better than your physical desires being met right now.” And that perspective helped me. 

Dannah: Now that’s real encouragement! Colleen Chao testifying to God’s goodness in her singleness. I love Colleen’s honesty. Being single longer than she had anticipated was a hard thing! But things can be hard and also really good—because God is good!

My dear friend, Charmaine Porter, has learned a similar lesson in her own singleness. Charmaine has been involved in ministry (in and outside the church) for more than fifteen years. And throughout those years, she’s walked with the Lord faithfully as a single woman. I got to sit down with her to talk about that—and wow, I was encouraged! Because Charmaine understands that, single or married, we exist for one purpose: the glory of God. Let’s listen. 

Charmaine Porter: Make God’s glory the purpose. Make that the aim, make that the goal, because that’s why you were created. Before I was of marrying age, my purpose was to glorify God. That was why I was born. That’s why He made me, to make Him look good. So He’ll use whatever avenue as a single person, whatever avenue as a friend, whatever avenue as a sister, whatever avenue at my job. When I go to Kroger. He’s like, “I’m just about My glory!”

Dannah: Yes. You sound so confident, and you’ve thought through this theologically. You’ve found some peace in it. But does that mean that the loneliness and the ache and sometimes the hard nights aren’t a part of your life anymore?

Charmaine: Oh no, no, no, no, no! I definitely still have those, for sure! I know this sounds cliché to say it, because we talk about it all the time . . . but the scrolling on Instagram. Right now people that I went to college with, people that I went to high school with, they are married and now on like kid number two or three. Sometimes that’s hard. I’m not going to lie to you.

But I have learned to become a fan of God’s glory. So wherever I see His glory happening, I choose to celebrate that! That may not always be my instinct. But I get to choose how I respond when I see my friends on Instagram or I see them on Facebook or I hear like some other person’s in a relationship or this person got a new job. 

It’s not just about the relationship status. It’s also about, “Oh, you went on this awesome vacation . . . and I’m here at work.” But if God doesn’t define me by my relationship status, then why should I? 

So wherever I start to see God’s glory, I’ve started to choose to celebrate: “God, be glorified—all the glory out of this vacation, all the glory out of this baby, all the glory out of this relationship.” Then I start to become a fan of that. Now, like you said, that doesn’t mean that it’s easier, but as I’ve gotten to know the Lord, He’s like, “I want you to talk to Me about that stuff. Invite Me into that.”

Dannah: So, let’s turn to this: what are the reasons why God would give someone the gift of singleness? What have you been able to do to glorify God that you couldn’t have done if you hadn’t been single? That’s what you’re saying the purpose of your singleness is

Charmaine: I think that I’m able to focus in a way that if I was married and had children, I wouldn’t be able to. The work that I do right now, I get to live on campus with the students.

Dannah: Tell us where you work right now.

Charmaine: I work for Impact 360 Institute out of Pine Mountain, Georgia. It is a gap-year program where students from the age of seventeen, eighteen to about twenty-one get to come and understand, “Why do I believe what I believe? I say that I’m a Christian, but why do I believe that?” A lot of them come right in-between high school and college.

Research shows that kids who grow up in church a lot of times abandon the faith. They leave the church once they get out of their parents’ house.

Dannah: We’re losing them in that first or second year out. You’re providing a way to solidify their faith rather than just complacently letting them go. So you’re able to live on campus. 

Charmaine: I live on campus. We do life-on-life; I’m one of the disciplers/mentors, that whole thing there. I live on campus with the students, but my counterpart (his name is Chad) is married. He has a family. His wife actually just had a baby this past year. I’ve watched him live so valiantly and pursue God, pursue his family, and pursue the students that are on campus.

I don’t think he would mind me saying this: it’s been hard! It’s been hard for him, and it’s been hard for his wife. I’ve seen them do it very, very well, but they’re juggling . . . whereas I’m not.

Dannah: You have the freedom. 

Charmaine: I have the freedom to focus.

Dannah: How do you focus? 

Charmaine: I have to learn boundaries just like anybody else. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m just like, “Here’s all my time in the world!” I told the students, I have an “open-ear” policy. Because I live on campus, I don’t have an “open-door” policy, because I also need that space to be with me, to have my own friends.

The students have been so wonderful in respecting that, and helping me even keep that. But I don’t have to juggle. That’s the obvious answer. I think another thing that the Lord has really challenged me with some of this is because of my own personal story. As I mentioned earlier, my mother passed away when I was eight years old.

So I have had the opportunity to understand what spiritual family looks like. I have spiritual mothers, and you’re one of them. You’re one of my spiritual mothers. The Lord has given me family that isn’t biological. I’ve even asked Him (this is a few years ago), I’ll be honest . . . I told the Lord, “Lord, I think I want to be a mom more than I want to be a wife.”

I didn’t know where that was coming from. I didn’t know where it was leading to, but that’s what I felt and so I told Him. And it’s been so interesting that through this job, I have some spiritual children that I get to pour into. He has even confirmed that gift of spiritual children in that discipleship kind of relationship that I have with the students that I have this year.

Last year the students called me “Mama Charmaine.” This year they call me, “Char-mama.” They just came up with it. I didn’t ask them anything. They’ve asked me before, “Is it okay if we call you this?” I haven’t been able to share with all of them, but if they ask I tell them. 

This is actually a confirmation of a prayer that I think the Lord gave me of, I don’t know if I’ll ever have biological children, but I know that my spiritual family is just as important and just as powerful, and can push me to bring God glory, just as much as my biological family can.

Dannah: Yes, and in that respect, the Lord has honored the desires of your heart. He has fulfilled them.

Charmaine: Yes, He defined them. I had to ask Him, “Lord, You define those desires of my heart,” because if my desires are still marriage and all those other things, then I’ll continue to be looking over there.” I would actually miss that He has answered and given me the desires of my heart—according to His definition, not my definition.

Dannah: One way that I’ve gotten to have a front row seat to seeing you spend your singleness for the glory of God is as the lead teacher for True Girl. We do about one hundred events around the country a year, bringing moms and their daughters closer to each other and closer to Christ. We live in a tour bus for nine months. Well, I don’t! I send you out to live in a tour bus for nine months. 

Charmaine: You show up!

Dannah: This is something, really, that a married person can’t do. That’s why I don’t go with the team. That’s why I fly in and check on things, and then I go back to tend to my marriage. I don’t have children at home anymore, but at one point it was to tend to my children.

Charmaine, you did that for three years. You couldn’t have done that if you were married. This morning I texted my team and I said, “I just wonder under Charmaine’s three years of leadership for True Girl how many little girls made first-time decisions to follow Jesus.” Do you want to know?

Charmaine: Yes. (Am I going to cry?)

Dannah: 2,641!

Charmaine: It makes it worth it! (I appreciate that.)

Dannah: Are you a little teary after that?! What a privilege to celebrate the ministry impact of this sweet friend. Instead of wallowing in discouragement, Charmaine has said, “God, here’s my singleness. Get all the glory out of it that you can.” Wow, He has used her mightily! I think you’d be blessed to listen to this entire episode. To find that, visit ReviveOurHearts.com/weekend and click on today’s program. We’ll have the link there for you.

To bring us home today, we’re going to listen to a Q&A time with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth about singleness. Did you know Nancy was single for fifty-seven years before her marriage to Robert? During those years of ministry as a single woman, God taught her so much! This Q&A took place while Nancy was still single. She’s got lots of wisdom to share, so let’s lean in.

Woman: Nancy, I have a daughter who has thought that all she wanted to do was be a wife and a mother. Even as a little girl, she was Miss Susie Homemaker. My other daughter who was the tomboy is the one who is married. I have watched my Donna evolve over time dealing with her singleness with the Lord. In a talk she and I had, I said, “Donna, what I see is you and your friends are putting your lives on hold and waiting for some time for that to begin. God has you in this place for a reason.”

What have you in your experience being single and dealing with other single women, what would you say to them?

Nancy: Well, you just gave some wise words yourself there. I think what you said is actually the answer to everything in life. You talked about dealing with singleness with the Lord. About half in this room I understand are single; the other half are married. They have to deal with marriage with the Lord because marriage or singleness, children or barrenness, youth or age, wealth or poverty, every situation in life requires crucifixion. It requires the cross. 

The only way you can walk through loss (and every one of those seasons of life involves different types of loss), the only way you can walk through pain, (and every aspect and season of life involves in some way pain), is to walk through it with the Lord.

Now that doesn't mean that you don't experience loss or that you don't experience pain, but you face it with the Lord and you embrace it. But I do think it's unwise and a mistake to put our life on hold rather than enjoy the moment where God has me, and embracing the moment where God has me and saying, “God has me in this place at this moment, at this season for a purpose that I could not fulfill if I were in any other place or any other season. This place and this season is God's will for me right now."

I can either go kicking and screaming through it, or I can go embracing it, but I will go through it. There's no option. I mean, I’m not married, and I’m not likely to be married by this time next week or the following week. I'm going to walk through this season. I'm going to be single for at least the next week for sure and probably a lot more weeks beyond that. So why in the light of something that isn't here miss what is here?

I can embrace whatever season of life God has put me in and whatever that requires. Some of you are empty nesters, and you're dealing with the grandchildren season of life. Then there are others in this ministry who have lots of young children and that can be a very stressful, busy season of life. I think I’m busy, but then I see mothers with these bunches of children and I think, “I don't know what busy is.” It's easy in that season of life to just be waiting for those children to be grown up.

But then we miss out on the fact that today in this moment, in this season, is a gift. I will go through it, but I can choose how I go through it and to make the most of it, to lift that season up with its challenges to the Lord and to say, “I give this to you, even my unfulfilled longings, as a sacrifice.”

This is as Elisabeth Elliot and Amy Carmichael and others have reminded us, it's material for sacrifice: the loneliness, the unfulfilled longings, the desires that may never be met this side of heaven. It's not wrong to have the unfulfilled longing. What is wrong is to become demanding that God fulfill my longings in my way and in my time.

I know it sounds when you're single and really want to be married, it can sound like just pious words. But it really is true that there is no one and nothing apart from Christ who can fill the innermost parts of my heart, and a husband will not do that. All the married women are nodding their heads because they know I’m right. The most wonderful husband cannot fill the innermost part. There are aspects of ministry and relationship that you single women are free to enjoy that the married women aren't.

You say, “Well, I’d trade my problems over theirs.” God may let you do that at some point, but I’ve had enough married women cry on my shoulder to know that marriage is not the answer. Nothing is the answer, and no one is the answer except for Christ.

Now having Christ doesn't mean I don't have moments of real pain and loneliness, but you take it to the cross. You lift it up to Him. You embrace it. You accept it and you say, “This is good that I should have to walk through this." I'm walking through some of the toughest waters of my life right now in other issues, and I have to keep reminding myself of God's perspective that pain is good. Now we don't think that way.

• I can't grow without pain.
• I can't become like Jesus without pain.
• I can't be fitted for heaven without pain.

So I have to keep counseling my heart according to what I know is true and that is pain is good. Now that doesn't mean you walk in a hospital and say, “I'd like to have surgery” if you don't need it. We're not asking to be martyrs. But we're knowing that part of growth and grace requires pain. It requires denying self and releasing and relinquishing our natural and in some cases good desires and say, “Lord I desire this, but I desire You more than this. I'm willing to accept that You are enough for me.”

Dannah: Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth with real encouragement for single sisters. If you’re single today, I hope you walk away from this episode deeply encouraged! You can ditch those clichés and platitudes because you’ve got real truth to cling to. God’s doing something glorious in your singleness, my friend. I promise, you can trust Him. 

Now, one quick reminder. Today is the last day you can give and request the In His Presence Scripture Cards and Bible reading plan. They’re yours for a donation of any amount! Just visit ReviveOurHearts.com to give.

If you’re listening today and you’re married, we haven't forgotten about you! Next weekend, we’re talking about how to have a marriage that magnifies God. I hope you’ll join us for that!

Thanks for listening today. I’m Dannah Gresh. We’ll see you next time, for Revive Our Hearts Weekend.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

*Offers available only during the broadcast of the podcast season.