Dear Jesus, Why Do I Have to Forgive Someone Who Hurts Me?

You’ve probably been told since you were really little that you need to forgive. But when someone hurts you, forgiveness isn’t usually the first thing that comes to mind. In fact, sometimes it feels impossible. So why is it so important?

Season: Dear Jesus . . . | Topics: Forgiveness & Bitterness, Young Women

Claire Black: This is True Girl, a podcast for girls and their moms. I'm Claire Black. Together, we'll explore God's truth for us one drive at a time. Buckle up. You're about to grow closer to each other and closer to Jesus!

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I am a true girl.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
I am, I am, I am a true girl!

Welcome back to Season 30 called, “Dear Jesus.” We're basically taking letters we've gotten at True Girl and directing them to Jesus to answer. How? We're using our Bibles to tackle some of the biggest questions girls ask about God, faith, and life.

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I am a true girl.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
I am, I am, I am a true girl!

You know, I've been thinking about today's question: “Why do I have to forgive someone who hurts me?” It reminds me of something that happened to me. One time one of my friends was saying mean things about me behind my back. When I found out, I was hurt. I could have been angry with her and told her she couldn't be my friend anymore. Why don't you stick around to hear how that situation turned out?

Now, you've probably been told since you were really little that you need to forgive. Maybe you've read it in the Bible too, but have you ever wondered why? Maybe a friend left you out. Maybe someone embarrassed you in front of other people. Maybe someone broke a promise or said something that hurt your feelings.

When someone hurts you, forgiveness isn't usually the first thing that comes to mind. In fact, sometimes it feels impossible. That's why today's episode is such an important one. Dannah Gresh and Suzy Weibel are opening up God's Word to discover what forgiveness really is, what it isn't, and why Jesus asks us to forgive, even when it's hard.

Dannah Gresh: Suzy, I have loved this season of the True Girl podcast. As we have looked at this stack of mail from our True Girls, I love getting them, and our staff takes time to answer all of them. I’ve got to say, we got this cool letter for Claire. Whoa! So, Claire, can you come on back here?

Claire: Hi, guys.

Dannah: Claire, this is a letter from . . . Well, this girl has asked us to not use her name on the podcast, so we're not going to read her name. But she has some questions for you. Can I ask them?

Claire: Totally.

Dannah: Well, she writes:

Every Wednesday I look forward to hearing your voice on the True Girl podcast. But I wish I knew more about you. Question one: “Do you play any sports?”

Claire: I don't, but I've always wanted to. If I had the opportunity to, I think I would really want to play volleyball.

Dannah: And then she writes:

I am 11 years old. How old are you?

Claire: I am 18, probably a little older than most of you are thinking.

Dannah: Okay, so you're kind of a big sister to our True Girls, and you're kind of a big sister role model. We love having you on the podcast. Now she also asks:

Do you have any siblings?

Claire: Yes, I have five siblings: four sisters and one brother. I am the youngest girl.

Dannah: All right, thank you, Claire. We just thank you for being a part of the True Girl podcast. We get a lot of questions about you when we're out on the road, don't we?

Suzy Weibel: We do.

Dannah: Girls are always like, "Tell me about the girl . . .” We started using your name last year, because they're like, "Tell me about the girl who does the opening announcement.

Claire: Oh, that’s so sweet.

Suzy: That's great to learn more about Claire.

Dannah: Thank you so much, Claire, and we'll see you at the end of this episode.

Claire: Sounds good. See you later.

Dannah: Now, I also have a letter here from Izzy. She writes:

Dear Dannah,

I like reading your books. Sometimes I have a problem with a girl at school. She's mean to me, and she bothers me, and I don't like it. I try to be her friend. But at this point, I'm very confused. The Bible tells me I should forgive her. I do pray for her, but I'm wondering why I need to forgive her, and if I need to keep forgiving her because she's sinning against me. I'm going to pray for you today, Dannah.

Thank you, Izzy. And then she writes in great big letters, “God is always with you” in a great big heart.

Suzy: Aww.

Dannah: Yeah, she’s written me some encouragement. Let's go ahead and answer that question, because I feel like that's a question that we hear a lot about—friend drama, frenemies, mean girls. And the bottom line question is, “Why do I have to forgive someone who hurts me? Where would you begin with answering that one, Suzy?

Suzy: Well, meanness, first of all, is just all too common, all too common. It’s really sad. You know, the first thing I would say to Izzy, towards the end of that letter she says, “She's sinning against me.”

The first thing I would say is, “Izzy, you are in such great company, because the Bible says that she is not only sinning against you, but she's also sinning against God. He is your defender. He is your defense. So you are not alone. You don't stand alone as a victim who's being picked on?”

The God of the universe is actually there, and the greatest sin from this girl, even though she doesn't realize it, is not being directed at you, but is being directed at Him.

But that being said, you're right. God does call us to pray for our enemies, to pray for those who persecute us, to love them.

Dannah: It’s hard.

Suzy: It's very hard to do. But when God gives us commands . . . This is really interesting, as you study the Old Testament, we see that everything that God told Israel to do, some of them almost made no sense at all. But it’s because God created everything, and He’s aware of how sin and brokenness has impacted this world. And so, everything that He tells us to do is because He knows how everything works. And when He tells us something, it's what's best for us.

And so, when it comes to forgiveness, which is a really difficult topic . . . Forgiveness is one of those words that’s hard to define. Everybody probably has a different picture in their mind of what forgiveness means. Like, how far does it extend?

Let's just talk about the brain for a moment because there's this part of the brain called the amygdala that lights up when we feel threatened. If they have sensors on the brain and they're studying it, this is the part of the brain that actually electricity starts firing in the amygdala.

Dannah: It starts working there.

Suzy: It's the part of the brain that is in charge of our fight or flight response. Have you heard of that before?

Dannah: Yes.

Suzy: It’s the part of us that says, "All right, I either have to stand here and put my fists up, or I have to run.” Izzy's probably feeling that when she gets picked on. “What do I do? Am I gonna fight her? Am I gonna run?” That part of the brain lighting up is not comfortable. It produces anxiety. It makes us lose sleep. But when we forgive somebody, or when we are forgiven, this process of forgiveness or praying for someone, it actually shuts the amygdala down.

Dannah: So there's a really practical purpose to forgiving.

Suzy: Yeah. Do you know what it produces when that part of the brain shuts down?

Dannah: What?

Suzy: It produces peace. So part of why we need to forgive is because peace comes.

Dannah: That's a very practical reason.

Suzy: It is.

Dannah: One of the other reasons we forgive we can read about in Colossians 3. It's one of my favorite passages to turn to for forgiveness. Starting in verse 13, it says, "Make allowance for each other's faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.

So right there, it is like, can you just understand that if there's going to be a person in your life, they're going to have faults? So, make an allowance for that. Expect it. Then it says to forgive anyone who offends you. “Remember the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”

It's almost like we're not going to really get it the first time, so the writer repeats it. “You must forgive others. Above all, clothe yourselves with love.” This is where we figure out how to forgive.

Because, Suzy, sometimes there are friends who hurt me over and over again. I can't do it. I can't forgive them unless I clothe myself in love, and by that I mean clothe myself in the love of Jesus. Like, “Jesus, You’ve forgiven me over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again! So can You help me be like that for this friend who is hurting me? Help me forgive them?”

So it says, “Above all, clothe yourselves in love, and that binds us together in perfect harmony, and let the peace . . .” Oh, Suzy . . .

Suzy: That's what it produces!

Dannah: “And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your heart.” So that forgiveness doesn't just scientifically in our brains turn into peace. The Bible says that's how God designed us to work. When we forgive, we feel peace.

Suzy: He built that computer. But can we crank this up just one notch because Izzy is not just being wounded by a friend . . . Does it say how old Izzy is?

Dannah: No.

Suzy: Let's say she's 11. I'm just guessing.

Dannah: She says she’s in third grade.

Suzy: She's experiencing the third grade version of what happened to Jesus on the cross. Jesus was abused. He was mocked. He was spit upon. They said all manner of evil things against Him. This is hard to talk about. But He tells us in Matthew 24 and in Luke chapter 21 that we are going to experience the same things. So sometimes the things that we need to forgive, the things that we need to walk through in forgiveness, they are big. They are really, really big. There's this war that goes on within us, and we don't want to forgive those big things because they really hurt!

We recognize they're coming from the heart of someone who actually hates God sometimes. I'm not saying that about Izzy's friend here, so I don't want that to be a connection. But what Jesus is talking about when He says, "Look, all men are going to hate you on account of Me,” He wants to remind us it's not you, it's Me [Jesus]. They hate Me, but He still tells us that we are not supposed to be the ones that take vengeance or justice into our own hands. He says that belongs to Him. What we are supposed to do is pray for them.

Dannah: Pray for them.

Suzy: And that's a really difficult thing to do. I think if we go back to that courtroom, that judge that we talked about last week. In a courtroom, we really want the judge to hand down the sentence on someone when they're guilty. But if we're the one who's guilty and standing before the judge, we don't want the sentence. What do we want? We want mercy.

Dannah: We want a pardon.

Suzy: We want a pardon, yeah. And so we have this war inside of us where we just really want God to hammer people who are doing things that are unjust.

Dannah: That's why I have to pray usually, “Lord, You know this person hurt me. I forgive them, but will You help my emotions catch up to that decision, that choice?” Forgiveness is a decision and a choice. It's not an emotion.

Suzy: That’s good.

Dannah: You don't feel like forgiving. You choose it because the Bible says you're supposed to forgive. What that means is, “Okay, you don't owe me anything. You don't owe me an apology; you don't have to make it right. It's forgiven. Now, if they do those things, it's an extra blessing. But Suzy, I’ve got to ask this question. You know, it sounds like the girl that Izzy is dealing with is a frequent offender. So, is it ever appropriate? Like, does our forgiveness ever include saying, "Okay, we can't really be friends right now."

Suzy: Absolutely. And Izzy says, "I try to be friends with her.” I definitely think there's a point at which we say, "Okay, have your own way. I'm going to let you go your own way. I'm going to remove my involvement in this relationship.” But I think what would happen for Izzy if she's able to say, "I tried the friendship thing over and over and over again. I got no response,” is that Izzy will experience freedom. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you have to fix the relationship.

Dannah: You don't have to be a doormat. But at the same time, I think we keep our hearts open. If that friend were to come back to you and say, "Hey, I realize I didn't treat you very well, and I want to ask for your forgiveness? Can we try again?” I always turn to the example of Peter and Jesus.

Because when Jesus was being tried, really for our sinfulness, they were like, "Oh, You call yourself the King of the Jews? You're not really a king.” You know, He was crucified and mocked, and we know that the reason that happened is because we are sinful, and because someone had to die for that.

But while that was happening, Peter was denying him. I mean, imagine if you walked into the bathroom, and I didn't know you were walking into the bathroom. I'm talking to one of our mutual friends who's in one of the stalls. And we're both in stalls, and we're like, "That Suzy, I didn't like her black T-shirt that she wore today.” You know, we just say something mean about you. That would make you feel bad, right?

Suzy: Oh, absolutely.

Dannah: Like, there would be a problem in our relationship. That's kind of what happens to Jesus. People see Peter hanging out while Jesus is under trial. And they're like, "Hey, you're His friend.”

And he's like, "No, I don't know Him.

Suzy: “I don't even know Him.”

Dannah: Three times he says this. If you look in the gospel where that's written about, like Jesus overheard that. And yet, what do we find when Jesus rises from the dead and comes back to life? He's by a beach making fish, you know, breakfast fish. They eat fish for breakfast, and he's cooking this fish over a fire. Why? So that he can talk to Peter and restore the relationship.

So even though it's okay to have boundaries and say this relationship isn't healthy. “It's not good for you and me. You keep hurting me, and I keep getting hurt,” and backing away a little bit. You're still kind. You're still respectful, and you keep your heart open, right?

Suzy: Right. There’s always, always room for honest repentance.

Dannah: Always room for honest repentance. Yep.

So Izzy, we hope that helps you answer some of your questions today. I think you're on the right track because you say, “I pray for her.” And you say you're forgiving her. You're just wondering why you need to forgive her, and hopefully we answered that today.

Claire: Forgiveness isn't one of the easiest things Jesus asks us to do, but it is one of the most beautiful. Remember at the beginning of today's episode, I told you about how my friend had been saying unkind things about me. Well, when she came and told me, I was really confused and hurt. It wasn't easy, but God helped me forgive her, and we were able to be friends again.

Now, in my case, it wasn't a long battle in my heart to forgive. But sometimes it can be a real struggle to choose to forgive. When we make that choice, it doesn't mean that what happened was okay. It doesn't mean we have to pretend we weren't hurt. And it doesn't always mean a friendship goes right back to the way it was before.

What it does mean is we're choosing to trust God with our hurt instead of carrying it around ourselves. If you're struggling to forgive someone, remember what Dannah said, “Forgiveness is not an emotion; it's a choice.” You might pray something like this, “Jesus, I'm choosing to forgive because the Bible tells me that is the right thing to do. Please help me to forgive others the way You forgive me. Help my emotions to line up with this choice of obeying You.”

Then, keep talking to Jesus about it. He understands what it's like to be hurt, and He'll help you do what feels impossible on your own. One thing you'll discover as you grow up is that every friendship has wonderful moments and hard moments. No friend is perfect because no person is perfect. That's why learning to forgive and learning to ask for forgiveness is such an important part of following Jesus.

If you and your mom want to keep growing together in your faith, we'd love for you to check out the True Girl subscription box. The next one we're shipping is the Pajama Party box. It contains daily devos for you on the topic of friendship and a book titled The True Girl Pajama Party by Dannah Gresh. You'll discover how to make the right friends, become the right friend, and honor God with your friendships.

And a great way to spend time with other girls who are learning to love Jesus and others well is at the True Girl Crazy Hair Tour. Dannah is going on tour with the team in October, and Yancy will be there to lead worship. It's a great time. You'll leave with unforgettable memories and maybe a few new friends. Your mom can find out more about that and check out the subscription box when she visits MyTrueGirl.com.

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