The Wisdom of a Gentle Word

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Dannah Gresh says speaking wise words is a skill we need to develop.

Dannah Gresh: Moms, grandmas, encourage your children to practice their piano, but do not fail to encourage them to practice their gentle, soft words.

The little conflicts, the little ones, they’re not little. They’re practice sessions. They’re opportunities for you and me to prepare us for bigger conflicts. Are you practicing well?

Nancy: This is Revive Our Hearts podcast for July 27, 2021. I’m Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth. We’ll hear about the wisdom of the gentle word today on Revive Our Hearts.

Well, I just learned recently that Alfred Nobel, the founder of the Nobel Peace Prize, is the man who invented dynamite. Nobel realized how destructive his invention could be, and he was concerned about how quickly it could be used to develop bombs and other weapons. And that wasn’t how he wanted to be remembered, so he established a prize for the advancement of peace.

As powerful as bombs are, the Scripture tells us there’s something even more powerful. Yes, our words can be destructive like bombs or peace promoting like the man who invented dynamite.

That’s something Dannah Gresh is helping us think about in this series based on the first four verses of Proverbs chapter 15. If you missed yesterday’s program on the power of a gentle word, you can hear it on the Revive Our Hearts app, wherever you get your podcast, or at ReviveOurHearts.com.

Dannah is my co-host here on Revive Our Hearts. She also heads up our partner ministry True Girl, a ministry focused on reaching the hearts of tween girls ages seven-to-eleven. We’re so thankful for that True Girl ministry.

Dannah is also a wife, a mom, and, as you’re about to hear, a grandma who takes great delight in her little grandchildren.

Dannah: A few weeks ago I was investing time into the hearts of darling grandbabies. Zoe and Addie, are now two. You probably know that two-year-olds can be known to be terrible. Of course, not my grandbabies. But some experience what we call “the terrible twos,” and 2-year-olds are known for it. They’re known to be terrible.

So on that day, I watched as Zoe approached Addie and violently (for a toddler anyway) ripped a toy out of Addie’s hands. Now, Zoe walked away examining that toy in absolute wonder and amazement, completely oblivious to her own selfish act.

But Addie, Addie wasn’t so sure about that whole thing. And she responded . . . Now I want you to picture this: at first, Addie just stood there. I think potentially, momentarily, astounded at the absolute atrocity at what had just occurred. But it actually looked as if she were thinking, truly considering, “What do I do?”

Then suddenly she walked purposefully over to Zoe, leaned down to get her face between Zoe’s face and the toy, and looked up into Zoe’s eyes pleadingly. Then Addie softly and sweetly said, “Zo Zo, share. Zo Zo, share. Share, Zo Zo.” And then just a tad more firmly, “Share, Zo Zo.”

Well, in that endearing moment, I have to tell you, I could hear their mom’s voice in every single word that Addie spoke. Aleigha Gresh has obviously been teaching them toddler conflict resolution skills. And her training manual seems to include softness and gentleness and the word “share.”

Now, on that last, “Share, Zo, Zo,” Zoe plopped the toy back into Addie’s arms and contentedly swaggered away to find another. (I absolutely do hope that one day you get to see a Zoe swagger! It’s something to see!)

Now, Addie and Zoe are not perfect. They do have their typical toddler moments. But in our little circle of caretakers—grandparents, great-grans aplenty, aunties, uncles, we’ve all been observing and comparing notes. Addie and Zoe are known to be remarkably peaceful toddlers. They have a reputation already at the age of two.

That reminds me of Proverbs 20:11, “Even a child makes himself known by his acts, by whether his conduct is pure and right.”

What a profound truth and one for us to consider as adults. The actions we take build up or break down our own reputation, and that includes the manner in which we respond to conflict. I’ve discovered an awesome conflict communication training manual for teens, marriages, families, and individuals. It’s four simple verses in Proverbs 15, and within it are several parallels or comparisons. They serve as a sort of self-assessment quiz, helping us examine our reactions to one another.

In fact, go ahead and grab your Bible right now, or your phone, and find Proverbs 15. I’d love to show this to you. As you search for that passage, let me ask you: what are you known for? Soft and gentle responses? Or harsh words that stir up anger?

We’re in a series where we’re diving into the first four verses of Proverbs 15 to learn what God’s Word says about the power of a gentle word, the wisdom of a gentle word, and the reward of a gentle word.

Yesterday, we looked at the power of a gentle word in verse 1: “A soft (or gentle) answer turns away wrath,but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Today, we’re going to explore the wisdom of a gentle word. We find it in verse 2. And tomorrow we’ll look at verses 3 and 4, and we will see the reward of a gentle answer. You won’t want to miss that. That’s the good stuff.

Now, before we read from the book of Proverbs, chapter 15, let’s zoom way out and just grab a big picture understanding of this book of the Bible.

Now as you probably know, Proverbs is a collection of wise memorable sayings, along with other books, like Job, the Psalms, and a few other books of the Bible. Proverbs is known as what is called “wisdom literature.”

You’ve probably heard that term, but what is “wisdom literature”? Well, it’s not the same as Law. These are not commandments for our lives. But it’s also not the same as prophecy. Prophecy is divine revelation to God’s people directly from God.

“Wisdom literature” is divinely inspired, but it’s collected from God’s people. And these wise sayings teach us how to live in a way that honors God and others. Now, of course, I guess what I’m saying is that Proverbs is written to help us know how to live well in God’s world.

You probably are aware that the big thesis, or big idea of Proverbs, is fear God or honor God. Submit to God in every action that you take, in every word that you speak. Of course, as it applies to the passage we’re looking at today, it’s fearing God and letting Him have the final say in everything we say, in everything I say, in everything you say.

Many people say that the key verse of Proverbs is chapter 1, verse 7. It reads, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.” Fearing God, honoring Him, respecting Him, submitting to Him, that’s where wisdom for all of our practical living actually begins. It starts there with the fear of God.

Now, if you ask me, fearing God is a pretty big task. So the rest of these wise, memorable sayings in the book kind of break it down for us, and it makes the book of Proverbs very practical, very useful for living.

In fact, I made a decision many years ago to read one chapter of Proverbs every day. Now, I miss a few days here and there, but as a general rule, this is a pattern, a rhythm in my Bible reading. And since there are 31 chapters in Proverbs, that means it takes me about one month to read through the entire book.

Now, I’ve been doing this since I was twenty-six. These words have become so familiar to me. And that means they’re more accessible to me in real life. Because I’m familiar with them, the basic thoughts are right there for me to use and apply when I need them most.

Now, this is just a bonus challenge for you today, but I want to invite you to consider joining me in this habit of reading one chapter of Proverbs every day.

Now, let’s read the first four verses in Proverbs 15 again. It never hurts to hear the Word of God over and over, does it? So, here it is. Proverbs 15:1–4: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Yesterday we explored this first verse, and we discovered the surprising power of a soft and gentle answer. Not only does it quell the anger of someone we’re finding difficult, but it quiets the frustration, the rage, and the angst in our own hearts. As you take time to search for that gentle, softer response to something that’s frustrating you, your attitude and your mind changes. That’s the power of a gentle answer.

In the next verse, verse 2, we see the wisdom of a gentle answer. It reads, “The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.”

And, finally, verses 3 and 4, the reward of a gentle answer—that’s what we’ll look at tomorrow: “The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good. A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.”

I want us to go back to verse 2 and look at the wisdom of a gentle answer today: “The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.”

Here we see a common characteristic found in a lot of Proverbs—parallelism. It’s the contrast of two opposing realities. These are realities that cannot coexist. Either you operate this way or the other. There’s no middle ground.

Yesterday, as we explored verse 1, we learned that you can either operate as a woman who thoughtfully and prayerfully responds to conflict with a soft and gentle word. Or you huff out harshness; you huff out words without thought, and you will stir up anger.

In today’s verse, we learn that either you speak with wisdom and make knowledge understandable and attractive to others. Or you speak like a fool and pour out what the Bible calls “folly.” Which will you choose?

Now, when I’m making a choice . . . well, I’m a girl who likes some details. So I’m going to give you a few today. Let me give you some details on the options that you have before you:

Choice A: “The tongue of the wise commends knowledge.”

The first and obvious fact is that this choice is the mark of who? What kind of woman? A wise woman. A wise person is not impulsive but prone to self-examination and self-control. And that leads to clear thinking and good actions. And those actions are what makes a woman’s wisdom obvious to others.

But let’s look closely to see a hidden treasure in the words: “The tongue of the wise commends knowledge” I found this so interesting. Follow this trail with me:

Commends means to praise. Right? We know that.

A wise tongue praises knowledge. It points to it, and it says, “It is good.” Perhaps, too, the tongue of that person is commendable. The tongue of a wise woman is worthy of praise.

That’s what we see at the surface. But in the Hebrew language, the word used here is one used when describing an excellent musician. Isaiah 23:16 uses it to describe a person who can “strike the harp well.” (That’s not something I can do! Maybe it’s something you can do!) Ezekiel 33:32 uses it to refer to a musician who can play skillfully.

So this verse about our tongue is describing someone that uses the instrument of their tongue like a master musician. Do you like that? I love that! You know what it makes me think of? Addie and Zoe! You’re probably saying, “Of course, Grandma—all roads lead back to Addie and Zoe.” But it’s not just because Nannah Dannah can’t stop thinking about those squeezables. It’s because they’re practicing.

You see, no musician—no musician—becomes commendable overnight. They practice! Moms, grandmas, encourage your children to practice their piano, but do not fail to encourage them to practice their gentle, soft words. And may we practice. (I long ago stopped practicing my piano. I can play “Chop Sticks,” and that’s about it—but not a lot more than that.) I hope, though, that I never stop practicing my gentleness, my softness.

The little conflicts, the little ones—who takes out the trash at your house; whether you or your roommate cleans up her dishes; the competition for the best seat at a conference—they’re not little. They’re not little at all. They’re practice sessions. They’re opportunities for you and me to prepare us for bigger conflicts.

Are you practicing well? Are you practicing the right kind of heart? The right response? The right attitude? The right actions? The right words?

I think a woman in the Scriptures who probably had a lot of practice at choosing a tongue of wisdom that commends knowledge is Abigail. We read about this precious woman in 1 Samuel, chapter 25.

Now, she was married to a man, Nabal, who was known for his harsh words. He was also known as a fool. I think that might be how she had so much practice. But we also see that that practice came in handy when a conflict had deadly stakes.

Abigail and her husband Nabal show up on the pages of the Bible when a conflict arises between him and King David. It looks like King David is coming after him. You know, the guy who has killed his tens of thousands. The stakes were high in this conflict, and it looked like Nabal would soon be dead except Abigail ever so bravely intervenes with a soft, gentle answer.

Our host at Revive Our Hearts, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, taught a series on this. Let’s listen as we hear how Abigail exemplifies a tongue of the wise and Nabal is surely a model of a fool who pours out folly.

Nancy (from “Abigail: How to Live with the Fools in Your Life”): We’ve see that Nabal was a man that was harsh. He was badly behaved. He was selfish. He was stingy. He was harsh with his tongue and harsh with his spirit. We want to take warning from the example of Nabal and of David and say, “That is not the way to respond to life.” And to see that there are consequences if we respond as Nabal.

But we’re seeing in Abigail an alternate way to respond, a different way. It’s a way of wisdom, a way of a virtuous woman who makes a difference in the people around her.

So we come today to verse 30 of 1 Samuel, chapter 25. We’re in the middle of a speech. It’s a plea, an appeal that Abigail makes to David. And she has just said to him, “David, no matter who comes after you, you’re God’s man. God has anointed you to be king. You are going to be safe in God. You don’t need to take matters into your own hands.” And she’s now appealing to him, “Don’t do something that you’ll later regret.”

Verse 30, she says to David, 

When the LORD [that is Yahweh] has done to my lord [that is David] according to all the good that He has spoken concerning you and has appointed you prince over Israel, my lord shall have no cause to grieve or pangs of conscience for having shed blood without cause or for my lord taking vengeance himself. And when the LORD has dealt well with my lord, then remember your servant.”

She appeals to David on the basis of his long-term well-being. “David, you’re going to be the king. God has appointed you. God’s going to exalt you. Don’t do things now that you’ll regret then. Don’t shed blood unnecessarily. Don’t take vengeance yourself. Leave that to God.”

Dannah: What wisdom! That was Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth from a series unpacking the life of Abigail.

“The tongue of the wise commends knowledge.” Abigail lived that proverb out. “But the mouths of fools pour out folly.” Nabal, he had that covered, didn’t he?

Abigail was disciplined, self-controlled. She didn’t react but clearly thought through her response. She took the time to search for the soft answer. She was wise. And as a result, her gentle words saved not only her husband from death at David’s hand, but also rescued David from a foolish, impulsive decision he would later regret.

I want you to see this: Her soft, gentle answer made knowledge understandable and attractive to David. And that altered the course of events. That’s the power of a gentle tongue, once again.

Now, why was Abigail able to do this? I think it’s because she’d practiced faithfully how to use her tongue well, and she chose a tongue of wisdom that commended knowledge. That’s our first choice.

And our second choice: “The mouths of fools pour out folly.”

Now, the first obvious fact in this choice is that it’s the mark of a foolish individual. A foolish woman is undisciplined, impulsive, uncontrolled. She fails to carefully and bravely examine her own life. That’s how she probably became a fool to begin with. That kind of woman pours out folly.

Now, what is folly? You read that word in the Bible. I’ve never known what it is. So I looked it up this time. Folly is the language of rejecting or resisting or ignoring God and His ways. Whoa! Because the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, someone who embraces folly will never have it. Since they actively reject God, even verbally, they don’t have any wisdom.

Now, how does this rejecting/resisting God sound when it comes out of a foolish person? The verse says that “the tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.” What does it mean to “pour out folly” all over the place?

Well, the first thing I think is words can be messy, can’t they? In one commentary I read, the act of pouring out folly was compared to a burp. It seems so unladylike that I was very tempted to pass over it. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it as I studied that odd little four-lettered word, often an embarrassing one: burp.

It’s voluntary. Unplanned. It just pops out—unless we choose to control it because there is that ever-so-brief moment where the stimulus of the movement of gas within us gives us a moment to choose how we will respond: Control the burp, or let it rip.

Now, as I said, I know this is terribly unladylike, so socially unacceptable, so embarrassing. But so is folly. We choose to control the impulse to burp because it’s embarrassing. Why don’t we choose to control the impulse to let foolish words pop right out of our mouths?

Let’s talk about the word “choice.” One of the big differences between a wise woman and a foolish one, when it comes to responding to conflict, is what she chooses in the tiny little space between a stimulus and her response.

Now, a stimulus can be almost anything—your business partner showing up late for an important meeting, again. Or it could be a social media post that makes a complete mockery of something you believe to be sacred. Or a stimulus might be your toddler crawling out of their crib, after you’ve tucked them in three times, to interrupt your much-needed bubble bath. (I feel for you, Mom!)

Everyday things happen, things that aren’t what we wanted or expected. And these are the stimuli in our lives, and we do have to respond to them. But between the stimulus and the response, there is a space. What happens in that space floats the difference between wisdom and folly.

A wise woman carefully considers her choices. And it’s not that she doesn’t feel the urge to burp all over the situation. But she chooses to take that space, to respond with self-control no matter what feeling is rising up inside of her.

The fact is: we can control what comes out of our mouths.

I think of one woman in the Scriptures who probably models “the mouths of fools that poor out folly” is Job’s wife.

Now, she was married to a man who the Bible calls “blameless and upright.” Job was a wise man.

Job and his wife show up on the pages of the Bible just as absolute devastation hits their household. Messengers arrived with bad news on top of bad news. At the end of the day, their wealth was gone and, well, you know what? Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth taught a series on this passage, too. Let’s listen as she shows the contrast between Job’s response and his wife’s response. Nancy’s picking up in chapter 1, verse 18, with the summary of this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

Nancy (from “Wisdom for Parents from Job 1”): And then, while Job is still reeling from all this news, comes the most crushing blow of all. Verse 18, 

While he was yet speaking [this bearer of bad news], there came another and said, "Your sons and daughters (ten children—seven sons, three daughters, perhaps with their own families, we don’t know, we know they were grown] were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother’s house, and behold, a great wind came across the wilderness and struck the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young people, and they are dead, and I alone have escaped."

So how did Job respond? God’s behavior in this fateful day was impossible to understand. It was puzzling. It was mysterious. God was not acting in a way that we would have thought He should act for a man that’s described the way Job is described in those early verses of chapter 1.

So the natural response of a man facing this kind of circumstance would have been to resent the circumstances, to become embittered, to question the goodness and the wisdom and the character of a God who allows such things, to question if that God even existed. I mean, wouldn’t that be a natural response to the kind of day Job’s just been walking through?

Well, Job had been concerned. We read earlier that his children would not curse God in their hearts. And in the wake of his losses (same chapter) he was tempted to curse God himself—the very thing he’d prayed his children would not do. In fact, when you get to chapter 2, his wife, who’s swallowed up in her own grief and loss—she lost all the same things Job lost. She lost ten kids that she’d given birth to. She lost all those possessions. And in her own grief and loss, she presses him to do just what he had been praying his children would not do.

Chapter 2, verse 9, 

Then his wife said to him, "Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die."

Job had prayed, “God, don’t let my children curse you in their hearts.” His wife says, “Curse God and die.”

Now, I think this is not necessarily a hateful response to God on the part of Job’s wife. We don’t know. All we know is what’s told here. But here’s a woman who had suffered incredibly along with her husband. Maybe she was just longing for relief from the pain. Maybe she’s thinking, If you curse God, He may kill you and put you out of your misery. We don’t know what she was thinking, but we know what the temptation was: to curse God.

But he said to her in verse 10 of chapter 2, 

“You speak as one of the foolish women would speak. Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?" In all of this, Job did not sin with his lips.

Dannah: But his wife sure did, didn’t she? Suggesting that, even in all this grief, the way that his foolish wife responded was sinful. “You speak as one of the foolish women would speak.” She failed to control what was rising up inside of her. She uncontrollably spilled out the thoughts that were in her.

“The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly.”

Now, friend, I feel like I need to say that if you’re going through something devastating right now, I want you to know, you can speak honestly with God. He can handle it. Bring to Him what is in you, but bring it to Him, and do it thoughtfully. Don’t just throw it out in accusation against Him when you speak to others. The language of rejecting or resisting God is the very definition of folly, foolishness. Choose wisdom.

This story of Job and his wife, it’s a good reminder for us. Few things reveal whether wisdom or folly resides in our hearts more than loss, pain, and hardship. Conflicts arise as individuals respond differently to the same experience. Never do we need wisdom for how we use our words more than when life is falling apart.

Bob and I have two precious friends, Aaron and Amy, whose seven-year old daughter was killed in a tragic car crash many years ago. Recently we sat with them. It’s been almost fifteen years, and they reflected on that loss. One of the things we talked about was how much conflict they experienced within their marriage. It was a direct result of the grief. Why? Because they grieved differently, and that created conflict.

They told us that their marriage is part miracle from God and part—listen to this—learning not to say every single thing they thought. Aaron said there were even times that he had to get in his car and go for a drive so that he would not spew his thoughts out at his wife. He chose to use the time between the stimulus and his response to find, search for his self-control. He took time to ask the Lord to counsel him and train him to respond in wisdom.

He said that when he went for those drives, it was because a few moments of prayer just wasn’t enough to usher in the wisdom to overcome the grief that he was feeling. He was actively expanding the space between the stimuli and his response because the things coming up inside of him were just so hard to wrestle with.

And here’s where we really begin to see the wisdom of a gentle answer: wise women—and wise men—attend God’s school of training to have self-control. What I’m saying is: it doesn’t come naturally. You remember: they practice.

Titus 2:11–12, one of my most treasured Scriptures reads, 

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age.

Are you being trained by God to speak with gentle and soft words of wisdom? Or are you skipping class?

You remember how I could hear Aleigha’s, my daughter-in-law, voice when Addie responded with such sweetness to Zoe when a conflict arose between my twin two-year-old granddaughters? Well, that day they honored Aleigha, their mother, and all her hard work in teaching them to be soft and gentle and kind with one another, even when there was a conflict.

It made me think this: I want to be like that. I want people to hear Jesus’ voice everywhere that I speak. I want them to see His training in my life, even when—I guess, especially when—I’m in conflict with someone. I want it to be obvious that He’s been training me, and that the course He’s used includes skills in self-control and softness and gentleness.

May I be, and may you be, women who embrace the wisdom of a gentle word.

Nancy: Amen! May it be so!

It’s so helpful to be reminded, and I need that reminder often that soft answers are a skill we need to develop. The wisdom of a gentle word doesn’t come naturally for any of us.

Dannah Gresh mentioned going to God’s school of training. So let me ask you: what’s one thing you can do today that will sit you down, sort to speak, in that class on self-control? Is there a relationship you’ve broken by your harsh words? Will you join me right now in asking God to help us replace hurtful words with gentle ones?

Oh Father, we have all sinned against You and others with harsh words. We’ve been quick to the harsh ones and slow to the gentle ones. We need Your help. We need Your grace. We need Your Holy Spirit. We need You to remind us. Thank You for the reminder we’ve had from Dannah today, and I pray that You would prompt us when those harsh words are ready to just pop out of our mouths, and that You would replace those harsh words with words filled with mercy and grace and kindness.

I’m thinking about a situation I faced just today where I needed Your help, Your power, Your grace to speak gentle words. Thank You that You give that when we ask You for it.

Make us a reflection of the kind, gentle heart of Jesus in the words that we speak to others today, I pray in Jesus’ name, amen.

If you’d like to get some further help on controlling your tongue, which we all need, I want to encourage you to get a copy of a booklet called, The Power of Words. It’s a booklet based on my teaching on the tongue from the book of Proverbs, and it’s available exclusively from Revive Our Hearts.

This study will help you dig into God’s Word and grow in how you use your words. And it’s our gift to you, our way of saying “thanks” for your donation to the ministry of Revive Our Hearts.

To make a gift, visit us at ReviveOurHearts.com, or call us at 1–800–569–5959. Be sure to ask for the study on The Power of Words when you contact us.

Now, we’ve seen the power and the wisdom of gentle words, but it’s only natural for us to wonder: so what’s in it for me? Well, actually, there’s a lot in it for us. Dannah will be back to share that with us tomorrow: The rewards of gentle words. Please be back for Revive Our Hearts.

Taking you to God’s school, Revive Our Hearts is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

All Scripture is taken from the ESV.

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