How to Speak with Kindness

Dannah Gresh: Here's Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Do you ever have the feeling that if you don’t yell, your kids aren’t going to get it? Well, that’s the way it may seem in the short term, but in the long run, “sweetness of the lips increases learning” (Prov. 16:21).

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, author of A Deeper Kind of Kindness, for July 15, 2025. I’m Dannah Gresh.

Today is a good day, friend! Not only is Nancy continuing in our "Power of Words" series. But the CSB Notetaking Bible, Revive Our Hearts Edition is also available for purchase. There are three gorgeous designs for you to choose from—each containing more than 150 prayers written by Nancy. These Bibles are designed to help you engage with Scripture and respond to the Lord in worship, surrender, and intercession. For information on how you can purchase your copy of the CSB Notetaking Bible, Revive Our Hearts Edition head to ReviveOurHearts.com. We hope you’ll be richly blessed by this resource. Now, back to our series, "The Power of Words."

Nancy: "Death and life are in the power of the tongue" (Prov. 18:21). It’s amazing what great blessing and what great damage can be done by the words that we speak.

In the last several sessions, we’ve been looking into the book of Proverbs to get wisdom from God’s heart about our tongues. We’ve been talking about certain kinds of words that God wants us to speak, that wise people will speak, and we’ve been looking at certain kinds of words that foolish people will speak.

We come today to one that is really a conviction to my own heart as I’ve been reading through the book of Proverbs. It’s the difference between soft words and rough or harsh words. There are many different words in Proverbs that talk about soft words, gentle words, pleasant words, sweet words, and the contrast is with words that are harsh or rough.

We’re all familiar with that verse in Proverbs chapter 15, verse 1, that says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

There’s a powerful illustration of the contrast between these two kinds of words in the book of Judges. So let me ask you to turn in your Bible to Judges chapter 8. Then we’re going to turn over to chapter 12, so you may want to put your finger there.

In both cases the men of Ephraim, which is one of the tribes of Israel, were involved. You’re going to see in both these instances that the men of Ephraim were an angry, easily-offended people. You’ll see that in both these instances.

Chapter 8 of Judges, verse 1: "Now the men of Ephraim said to [Gideon], ‘Why have you done this to us . . . ?’” Now Gideon had just won a great battle in the power of the Lord against the Midianites, and the men of Ephraim called him to task.

They should have been cheering him on for what he had done to help the nation of Israel, but instead they had a beef with him. They said, “Why have you done this to us by not calling us when you went to fight with the Midianites?” (Judges 8:1). They reprimanded him sharply. These were fighting words. They were incensed. They were offended.

So Gideon said to them, verse 2: “What have I done now in comparison with you? Is not the gleaning of the grapes of Ephraim better than the vintage of Abiezer?” That’s where Gideon came from. So what was Gideon saying? “Look, I’m nothing compared to you guys.” They were chastising him. They were rebuking him.

Gideon says in verse 3, “God has delivered into your hands the princes of Midian, Oreb and Zeeb. And what was I able to do in comparison with you?” So he takes the pathway of humility. He gives a soft answer. He defuses their wrath with a humble word, and the Scripture says in the end of verse 3, “Then their anger toward him subsided when he said that.”

Now turn over to Judges chapter 12. Four chapters later you see the men of Ephraim once again are upset. The man involved is another one of the judges of Israel named Jephthah. We know from another passage that Jephthah was a man who was too quick to speak. He spoke rashly with his words. He made a rash vow that ultimately cost him the life of his daughter. That's the Jephthah who is involved here with the men of Ephraim.

Verse 1 of chapter 12: “Then the men of Ephraim gathered together, crossed over toward Zaphon, and said to Jephthah, 'Why did you cross over to fight against the people of Ammon, and did not call us to go with you? We will burn your house down on you with fire!'” Jephthah responded differently than Gideon had. Gideon responded with a humble answer, a soft answer that diffused the wrath of the Ephraimites.

Now, watch how Jephthah responds. He says in verses 2–3, “My people and I were in a great struggle with the people of Ammon; and when I called you, you did not deliver me out of their hands. So when I saw that you would not deliver me, I took my life in my hands and crossed over against the people of Ammon; and the LORD delivered them into my hand. Why then have you come up to me this day to fight against me?”

You see the difference in his approach? He’s defensive. He’s attacked as Gideon was, but he comes back in attack mode. Now what do you have? Two people in attack mode. The outcome is inevitable. There’s going to be a battle and sure enough there was.

Verse 4: “Now Jephthah gathered together all the men of Gilead and fought against Ephraim.” There was now an enormous loss of life. You see the contrast here? In both cases, Gideon and Jephthah both faced harsh words. The difference was in how they responded to those harsh words. In one case—in Gideon’s case—he diffused the angry situation. In Jephthah’s case, it led to a war.

Now, are you more often like Gideon or like Jephthah when you respond to cross words, to hurtful words, to words that are said that are unkind or that attack you? The way you respond can make a huge difference in the outcome. All through Proverbs we see this emphasis on having words that are gentle, pleasant, and sweet.

I think this is one theme that women today particularly need to hear. If you watch any amount of television—and I hope you don’t watch much if you watch any. One of the things that just seeps into your system is the way that women talk in so much television programming today. It’s seeped into our culture. Women talking roughly and harshly and garbage talk, trash talk.

It’s even true, I find, of many Christian women today. Crude talk, loud, rough, domineering talk. Anything but gentle and sweet and pleasant words. Is it any wonder that we’re raising a teenage generation that is rough and ugly and unkind in many cases in their talk? In a lot of cases, they’re reflecting what they have heard in their homes from those of us who are the adult generation.

Proverbs 16, verse 21, tells us that, “The wise in heart will be called prudent, and sweetness of the lips increases learning.” Do you ever have the feeling that if you don’t yell, your kids aren’t going to get it? Well, that’s the way it may seem in the short term, but in the long run sweetness of the lips increases learning.

Some of you are home schooling your children, and if you’re a mother, you’re teaching your children no matter where they go to school. You’re teaching your children. It should be encouraging to you to realize that you can motivate your children to learn by speaking words that are sweet. You can create a climate in your home that’s conducive to growth.

I’ve only ever gotten two speeding tickets, and both of them were during my last two years of college when I lived out in Southern California. When I think about this now, it’s nuts. I was driving much too fast on the Pasadena Freeway, which is a very twisting and turning freeway with narrow lanes. The first time the policeman stopped me and he was kind of rough in his handling of the situation. I just paid the ticket but reacted in my spirit wrongly, I might add. He’s the authority. I’m not. But in my arrogance, I reacted wrongly to his roughness.

It wasn’t too long after that, I was still speeding. I had not learned a lesson and got stopped again. This time, the policeman had a whole different way of approaching the situation. He had a gentle answer, and he expressed concern for my wellbeing by driving like a mad woman on the Pasadena Freeway. Now, he was very right.

The first one was right in what he said, but I was so convicted by the spirit of that second policeman (not to speak of the fact that I didn’t want to pay any more speeding tickets) that something clicked inside of me, and I made a change of lifestyle. I’ve changed my driving. I don’t want to say I stopped speeding because I can’t say that I never speed. But I drive a lot differently today and have ever since. Sweetness of the lips increased learning.

Now, I’m not justifying my lack of response to the first policeman. I’m just saying the spirit of the second one really helped my response to be one of learning.  Proverbs 16, verse 24, tells us, “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” Pleasant words are sweet to the soul and health to the bones. Pleasant words minister grace and help and strength and health and wholeness to those that hear them.

Proverbs 18:23 is a verse the Lord has used in my life many times over the years. It says, “The poor man uses entreaties." He pleads. He appeals because he knows that if he doesn’t, he’s probably not going to get what he needs; whereas, "the rich answer roughly."

Now, this can be true in terms of material poverty and wealth. You will find it true that often those who have the greatest material wealth are the most damaging at times with their tongues. They can speak roughly and feel they can get away with it. In a sense, in this country, we’re all wealthy. I think we have, in our prosperity, gotten to where we think we can just speak roughly.

But I think it’s talking about something even deeper than material wealth or poverty here. It’s to do with the poverty of spirit that Christ wants us to have. The humble person will use appeals, will use entreaties; whereas, the person who is arrogant in his spirit will speak roughly to others.

Then in this verse in Proverbs chapter 25, verse 15 (which would be hard to believe if it weren’t in the Word of God, but it is in the Word of God) there is an incredible promise. Proverbs 25:15: “By long forbearance a ruler is persuaded, and a gentle tongue breaks a bone.”  Now, think of a gentle tongue. A tongue in itself is not a very strong member of the body physically. How can a gentle tongue break a bone? A bone is something that’s hard.

Well, the proverb is saying here that by long forbearance, by long putting up with the other person, the person in authority can be persuaded. If you have patience and gentle words, soft words and humility, those are powerful weapons. You think of that authority at work or that authority in your home who just isn’t seeing things right. How do you come up against that person? Do you push? Do you demand? Do you insist? Or do you wait? Forbearance. Do you speak gentle words?

In time, patience and humility and gentleness can accomplish more than anger or force. The gentle tongue is a powerful influence. So the Scripture tells us that if we’re wise, we’ll speak words that are soft, that are gentle, that are pleasant and sweet.

What are some of those words? Words like, “I love you.” “I’m so proud of you.” “I’m praying for you.” I can’t tell you how many times those words have ministered grace and strength and encouragement to my heart. Those are sweet words. Words like, “Is there anything I can do for you?” Try saying that in your home more than you ask others to do something for you.

Words like “please” and “thank you.” Those aren’t just old-fashioned courtesies. Those are an expression of a sweet spirit. Those are pleasant words and they increase learning. Words like, “Please forgive me.” “I am so sorry that I dealt with you that way, that I wounded your spirit in that way.” Those are sweet words. They minister grace.

Words like, “I forgive you.” “I appreciate you.” When you tell your children or your grandchildren, “I’m so glad God gave you to us.” “I’m so glad God let you come and live in our home.” Those are sweet words. Those are pleasant words. Those are words that minister grace to the hearer.

Father, I think of all the times I have spoken rough, harsh words. I think of something I said yesterday in the course of a conversation that thinking about it now, it was rough, it was harsh. Now I realize it didn't minister grace to the hearer.

Oh Lord, wash my heart, wash my mouth, cleanse us, forgive us. As women, I pray You would help us to speak words that are gentle, kind, sweet, and pleasant. That we would not be conformed to the world around us, but that by the way we speak, we would reveal the heart and the character of Jesus, and that our words would create life and hope and strength to others.

Fill us with Your Spirit, I pray. May we speak words like the Lord Jesus, who is gentle and humble in spirit. I pray in His name, amen.

Dannah: Would the people around you describe your words as kind?

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth has been pointing us to Jesus, who spoke with perfect kindness. His words were perfect when people challenged him . . . and His words were perfect when He had to challenge others. 

By His perfect life and death, we can be forgiven for every sinful word. And He’ll help us learn to speak with kindness. We’d like to assist you as you search God’s Word to learn to speak with words of kindness. That’s why we’re offering you Nancy’s booklet, The Power of Words, when you make a donation of any amount this month. It’s short and sweet, but it’s full of biblical truth. It’s designed to help you discern the connection between what’s in your heart and what’s in your speech. To donate, visit ReviveOurHearts.com, or call us at 1-800-569-5959. Be sure to ask for your booklet when you do. We want to send it to you as our way of saying thank you for your generosity. 

Now, Nancy recorded that program some years ago. You may have heard her mention women speaking unkindly on television. Since Nancy delivered that message, all kinds of new outlets have been invented to allow us as women to speak—you don’t need me to tell you that!

The internet, especially through social media, has given everyone their own megaphone and stage to shout from. And shouting it often is! Why is kindness lacking so much in our online interactions? And how can believers in Jesus do a better job of using social media wisely, to draw the attention to Him? These are questions a group of us talked about not too long ago, in a panel discussion on social media.

Laura Wifler says she and her co-author Emily Jensen have a personal policy they call “no hot takes.” 

Laura Wifler: “Hot takes” would be a response to a cultural issue that’s going on. 

Dannah: Or that’s exploding that day. 

Laura: Yes, like everything from a fire in California and they want you to offer prayers through an Instagram slide, to like a women-in-leadership controversy that people are wondering about.

You know, we’re often getting asked, “Hey, what do you think about this topic?” I think it’s easy to want to hop up there and offer your opinion, and you may have really, really good ones.

But something that I often think to myself is, I have never regretted not posting something, but I have often regretted posting something.

I always try to err on the side of: if I don’t have full peace and feel like this is something I can stand behind, and if it has not been thought out and I planned ahead for, then I typically do not post.

Nancy: Scripture comes to mind from Proverbs 18:13: “He that answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame unto him” (NKJV). It talks about how fools say just whatever comes into their minds, and social media has provided a huge opportunity for fools to say whatever they’re thinking. 

Dannah: Social media has provided a huge opportunity for fools. That reminds me of a conversation I had recently with my friend Suzy Weible who ministers to teens and is working on a project for Revive Our Hearts to get God's Word into more teen girls. She had this to say about social media.

Suzy Weible: I'll tell you that the most unsafe place on this planet is the comment sections of social media. I don't care if it is a Christian social media page—I see Christians going after each other and disunity every bit as much as I see people going after each other in the comment sections on other social media posts and platforms and pages and groups.

The comment section is unsafe and the cause of the unbridling that you are talking about. There is absolute anonymity. I think people feel like they have an audience and that they can get away with saying whatever it is that they want to say.

I just encourage people to spend time with real people face to face. I would encouage people if you are going to be on social media . . . I'm on social media. I see benefits. But stay out of the comment section. There's really nothing helpful going on there. If there is something that you need to address, do what Scripture says. Go to that person privately. Call them. Set up a meeting for coffee. Use direct messages. But stay out of the comment section. Nothing good happens there.

Dannah: Proverbs chapter 26 says, “Don’t answer a fool according to his foolishness, or you’ll be like him yourself.” Being too quick to respond is a way of participating in much of the foolishness we see all around us. 

Bethany Beal: People are so cruel on social media, so mean!

Dannah: Bethany Beal and her sister Kristen Clark, minister to young women in the eighteen–thirty age range. They know the statistics. They know that online cruelty can result in depression and worse in young people. Bethany says, in spite of its downsides, social media has redeeming qualities, too.

Bethany: But then, we also see the amazing work that God can do on social media. We hear from girls who are in Muslim countries who have no access to truth. They find our videos and are even becoming Christians. These are girls who are bed-bound finding our YouTube videos, because that’s where they are. 

A lot of atheists are finding our videos and saying, “I hated you at first! But you have this joy. I wanted to hate you, but you just had this joy and kept sticking to the message.” So we are wrestling with a lot of stuff with social media, so I’m glad we’re having this conversation. 

Dannah: Kelly Needham took a break from social media for a year. She said it was refreshing to connect with her family better. Then, she and her husband Jimmy felt called to get back onto social media. This time, they had a sense of mission.

Kelly: For me, purpose is huge. “Why am I doing this? Why am I here?” And the word that I’m using for my own use . . . I don’t have a ministry; I’m just a person. I’m a Bible teacher in my own church; I’ve been a blogger. But my word is “discipleship.” I have seen the Lord use it that way.

I know there’s a lot of downside. But I think about this, “This is why this could be worth it.” I think I did like one of those question things when they first did that on Instagram; you could do questions.

I had just written about the importance of studying the Word with other women, and you have to be desperate enough sometimes to just reach out and ask somebody. You can’t wait for that to happen. And so several women asked, “Well, what does that look like?”

I just told them my own story. I just kept asking, and somebody said, “no.” I asked the next person; I asked the next person, and then finally someone said, “Yes, but I can’t do it unless it’s at four in the morning, because I go to work at five.” 

I said, “Let’s do it!” So we met at IHOP for like two years and studied Scripture together, and it was so life-giving! I told that story on Instagram.

Well, I got a direct message later from a group of women. They sent a picture of them and their Bible study. They said, “This gave us the courage to go. We don’t have an excuse anymore. Like, let’s study the Word together!” And they were meeting together to study a book of the Bible.

I got a chance to pray for them, and I was like, “You know, this is why this could be good.” If I think through the lens of discipleship, that really helps me filter, “Why am I doing this?” 

I sometimes think, What is the woman on the other side of this phone feeling right now on social media? What can I say that would speak life, encouragement, or just point her back to Christ? “Follow me as I follow Christ.” And then, after I get off, to pray: “Lord, whoever is seeing that, would You plant that seed and further it?” I try to get my mind off of who’s saying what about it or reposting it . . . because we’re all tempted to do that.

And so, getting my discipleship lens on that I use every day with my kids and with my church has been a really good filter for, “How do I use this?” And, when is the time for me to say in wisdom, “Not anymore,” or “Not right now.”

Dannah: Again, that’s Kelly Needham, who is working on having a ministry, disciple-making kind of mindset when it comes to her use of social media. Kelly was a member of the panel discussion that day. She’s also speaking at True Woman '25 in October. Do you have your tickets yet? There’s more information at TrueWoman25.com.

I shared a few thoughts on social media and the right use of our words that day, too. It was present on my mind because the ministry I head up, True Girl, had been wrestling with our use of social media as an organization. Here’s some of what I said in that panel discussion. 

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Philippians 4:4–9. We know this passage. “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable . . .” (v. 8). But do we understand the bookends on both sides of it? Because at the beginning:

Rejoice in the Lord always . . . Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (vv. 4–7)

We need something to guard our hearts and minds right now from this anxiety and this depression. And then it says, 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me . . . (vv. 8–9)

This is a very significant thing for me! Paul says, “See how I live?!” He’s so confident. I have to look at this and say, the way people see me using social media, the way my children see me using social media, the way my readers see me using social media, can I look at that and say, “Watch me! Do it this way!” 

. . . practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you. (v. 9)

So the pair of bookends to this “whatsoever is lovely” stuff is peace. As one of the users in charge of the True Girl message, how am I paying attention to my own spiritual and emotional health, so I can remain a good servant of God’s kingdom?

Because if I’m saying, “Look at me! Walk like me! Act like me!”—that matters! And I have to tell you that a lot of the times, I do find myself looking at my feed and thinking, Did I get approval today? Did I get encouragement today? Did I get a lot of followers today? Did I have impact today? Right? Anyone want to confess that? That’s not good for me. That doesn’t keep me in the heart of being a servant of God’s kingdom.

So we’re trying to figure out the answer to that, as a user. And then, as an influencer. This is looking at how I’m influencing those who are watching my social media feed. Knowing the risks, emotionally and spiritually, how do we set an example for others to consider Question # 1 in their own life? What are the limits?

We’re really consumed with the numbers. We are really obsessed with the number of followers we have. Jesus did it with twelve! Am I concerned about the breadth—where I might get them to read my full blog, I might get them to listen to the full message. Or is my time concerned with the smaller number of people I can take deep?

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I think one of the key concepts we’ve been talking about when it comes to words and social media is “intentionality.” We need to be intentional about how we say what we say, and we need to examine our motives.

Well, if you’ve been convicted about your own unkind or careless words, we have good news for you! You can be completely forgiven because Jesus has died to take your sin. On tomorrow’s episode, Nancy will show you what forgiveness and repentance look like, especially when we’ve sinned with our words. Please join us again, for Revive Our Hearts.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

All Scripture is taken from the New King James Version unless otherwise noted.

*Offers available only during the broadcast of the podcast season.