How to Build Your Home

Dannah Gresh: Think of your relationship like a house. Would you be more like a carpenter or a demolition crew? Here’s Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Think about the people who are part of your life and ask yourself, am I a builder or am I tearing down—with critical words, with negative words, with negative attitudes, with harshness, with a demanding spirit?

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, author of Choosing Gratitude, for August 11, 2026. I’m Dannah Gresh.

Let’s imagine for a moment that I, Dannah Gresh, have been entrusted with a gorgeous summer house. (I like this imagination very much!) It’s one of those two-story New England mansions on the coast. The ones lined with blue hydrangeas, nestled right next to the sea. Oh yeah, you can smell the salty air as you sip your coffee on the front porch. The sea breeze sends sailboats drifting by on the hazy orange horizon. It’s positively serene. But then you hear the beep, beep, beep of a large construction vehicle approaching. Well actually, more like a deconstruction vehicle, because it’s got a wrecking ball attached to it. I, Dannah Gresh, have called this vehicle to tear down my home. 

Now, maybe you’re internally screaming, “Dannah, have you lost your mind?! You’ve been entrusted with this house. Why tear it down when you could steward it instead?” And that’s exactly the question I was hoping you’d ask. Because as crazy as this example might sound, we as women are tempted to tear down our homes instead of building them . . . all the time. 

Here’s Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth to explain.

Nancy: There’s a verse in the Book of Proverbs that God often uses to challenge and convict my own heart as a woman. Proverbs 14 talks about the wise woman and the foolish woman. Proverbs 14:1 says, “Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her hands.”

A woman who is a wise woman is a builder. She’ll be building up her home. She’ll be building up the people around her. Not just in her literal, physical home—though of course that is her first priority—but in her workplace, in her church, in the community. She is going to be edifying, building up the lives of the people around her, if she is a woman of wisdom.

The foolish woman, on the other hand, by her heart attitudes, her values, her demeanor, her lifestyle, is going to be tearing down her home, tearing down her environment. 

I believe the reason that you’re here today is because you want to be a wise woman. I know I do, and I’ve sensed that in many of your hearts as we’ve talked and shared together. You want to be wise women. The question is: How can we be wise women?

I think it’s really helpful today for us to examine some practical aspects of building up or tearing down our homes, building up or tearing down those around us. As I’ve reflected on this whole matter of how we live out this matter of wisdom or foolishness, the Lord has brought to my heart some questions for us to ponder, some questions that help us evaluate where I am in relation to wisdom or foolishness. Am I building up my home? Or am I tearing it down?

These are things to think about. I'm asking myself and I'm asking you to ask yourself to be honest in answering these questions. We can pray, "Search my heart, oh God." Not, "Search my husband's heart." Not, "Search my children's hearts, my neighbor's heart, or my friend's heart." But, "Lord, search my heart." You don't really have to search your own heart if you open up yourself to God and say, "Lord, show me what You see in my heart," He will be faithful to do that.

So as we ask these questions, if you are in a place with a paper and pencil . . . You won't be able to jot all these down, but jot down the particular point where the Spirit pricks your heart and says, "This one is for you. This is something you need to go back and meditate on, ponder, and think over." Make a note of those individual questions. 

The first question, in a general sense for all of us, is this one: Am I building up my house, or am I tearing it down? I f you are a married woman, your house is—your husband, your marriage. If you’re a mother, your house involves your children and your relationship to them. Your house also involves your parents, in-laws, your cousins, your sisters and brothers, your friends.

Your “house” is the sphere of relationships that God has placed you in. Your house involves your relationships at church, your influence in your church. It involves your relationships at work and your influence there. It involves your relationships with people in your community, with other moms at your kids’ school. That’s all part of your home.

So as you think about your sphere of influence, the place where God has put you at this season of your life—some of you may be empty-nesters, and your home is a little different. But there are grandchildren, even though they may live states away. Think about the people who are part of your life and ask yourself, “Am I a builder, or am I tearing down?” Now the answer to that may be different with different relationships you have.

You may be building up your marriage, but you haven't been paying much attention to . . . Well, this may not be true, if you're a grandmother, you're paying attention to your grandchildren. But maybe because they are a distance away, you've not been conscious of how much influence you could have in nurturing and discipling and building up those grandchildren. Maybe you've been paying a lot of attention to building up your relationships at church but you find that in your home you've been tearing down that husband, those children. 

So as you think about the rooms of your home, so to speak, the different places where your life interfaces with others, ask in each of those places, “Am I building up my home? Am I speaking words that lift up and edify and encourage? Or am I tearing down with critical words, with negative words, with negative attitudes, with harshness, with a demanding spirit? Am I building up my house, or am I tearing it down?”

Let me focus for these next moments on some questions that will relate particularly to women who are married. As you think about your marriage, the first and most important relationship that God has given you next to your relationship with the Lord Himself is your husband. Ask yourself these questions:

Am I investing in my marriage? Am I nurturing the heart of my marriage? We’re all investing our time somewhere. The question is: Are you investing what you need to be in your marriage? Are you putting more time and attention and effort into other relationships than you are into your marriage?

You may have been investing in your marriage at one time, but things can just slip away from us, and we can forget our sense of priorities and what’s really important just in the course of the busyness of life. Maybe work has gotten busy or you've been preoccupied with your children and found yourself not investing adequately in your marriage, in your relationship with your mate. Are you nurturing the heart of your marriage?

Here’s a practical question for those who are wives: do I frequently express admiration and gratitude to my husband? Now, I know some women who have told me that they think these things and they feel these things (the admiration and the gratitude), but gratitude needs to be expressed.

Your husband, in case you haven’t learned it yet, cannot read your mind. You knew that. Sometimes it bugs you. But you need to remember that when it’s in your heart, it needs to be expressed.

In fact, I’ve encouraged women over the years to take a 30-day challenge: that over the next thirty days they will think of some particular positive thing that they appreciate about their husband each day, and they’ll verbalize it to him. They’ll thank him. They’ll express appreciation.

You say, “I can’t think of thirty things that I appreciate about my husband.” Well, then think of one thing and repeat it every day for the next thirty days. But somehow get in the habit of verbalizing, taking time to express admiration, appreciation, and gratitude to your husband.

I know so many wives who have a wounded spirit because their husband doesn’t express these things to the wife. But ask yourself, when you’re feeling a little wounded about maybe your family not expressing gratitude as much as you wish they would, “Am I expressing gratitude?”

Does your husband bring home a paycheck? You say, “Yes, every two weeks.” When is the last time you thanked him for that; for the hours of work that allowed him to bring home that paycheck?

Think about the little things. There may be a ton of things in your mate or your marriage that are uncomfortable or disturbing or difficult for you. But don’t focus on those things. Ask yourself, “Am I focusing on that which is good and true and praiseworthy?” as Paul says that we should in Philippians 4:8. Not only are you thinking on those good things, but are you expressing admiration and gratitude to your husband?

There are perhaps widows in this room who would give anything to have another opportunity to express gratitude and appreciation to that man. Do it now while you can. Do it while you have him. Watch him blossom as he is encouraged by your words of admiration and gratitude.

Here is another question for wives: am I reserving the best of my physical and emotional energy for my family? I meet so many women today who are just plumb tired. There’s nothing wrong with being tired if it comes in the way of doing that which God has put on your plate to do.

But I meet women who just perpetually seem exhausted and drained. The problem is that the best time and effort and energy they have, they’re pouring into someone else’s family or someone else’s workplace—someplace other than their home.

What happens to their family? Their family is getting the leftovers. Their family is getting this exhausted, fragile, frustrated, angry, impatient mom because she has been under pressure somewhere else all day long. Priorities in the will of God will never conflict. God will not put you in a position where you cannot give what your family needs for you to give to them.

Number one, with your husband, if you’re not having the time to talk with your husband, to minister to him, to serve him, to bless him, to encourage him, then there are perhaps some things in your schedule that you need to evaluate and say, “Maybe this isn’t the season of life to be doing that.”

Maybe there’s some clutter that needs to be cleaned out so that you can have the time to do the things that you know God wants you to do—to reserve the best of your physical and emotional energy for your family.

Lord, these are not easy things for us to consider because we all have needs and know that there is need for improvement. But I pray that You would help us to be honest and real before You and to evaluate whether we are building up or tearing down our homes. Thank You for Your wisdom that You are willing to give to us as women. Would You give us that wisdom so that we might love our families and those that You've put in our lives as You would have us to love them? In Jesus' name, amen. 

Dannah: Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth will be right back with more teaching, but she’s been asking us some probing questions that I want us to linger with. Let me remind you what they are:

First, “Am I building up my house or tearing it down?” This question applies to every woman, regardless of life stage.

Then, if you’re married, here are a couple more questions:

• “Am I investing in my marriage?”
• “Do I express admiration and gratitude to my husband?”
• “Am I reserving the best of my physical and emotional energy for my family?”

Maybe one of these questions really stood out to you as you listened to Nancy. Would you pause for a moment and ask God if there’s any practical next step He would have you take?

Maybe, if you’re a wife, that next step could be the 30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge Nancy mentioned. We’ve seen God use this free resource time and time again to change women’s hearts toward their husbands, ultimately leading to healed marriages and restored homes. If you’d like to take on the challenge, you can begin today. We’ll link to it in the transcript of today’s episode at ReviveOurHearts.com. 

Okay, let’s get back to Nancy as she asks some more convicting questions. She’s helping us become women who build our homes. 

Nancy: Am I creating a climate that makes my husband want to be at home? Am I creating a climate in my home, through my words, my actions, my attitudes, that makes my husband want to be at home? When he is at work, does he find himself wishing that he could be at home?

Now some of that is up to him, but a lot of that is up to the woman in the home. We women are like thermostats. We set the temperature. We control the climate in our homes in so many ways, sometimes without even saying a word.

You know that your husband can walk into your house and sometimes before you’ve said anything, he can know exactly how you’re feeling—what the temperature is and how careful he needs to be as he walks in that home. Ask yourself this question: am I creating a climate in our home that makes my husband want to be at home?

Here is another question for wives and moms: am I content to have my life center around my family—for that to be my realm, my sphere of influence? Am I finding my fulfillment through reverencing and serving my husband and my family?

You say, “Does that mean that if I’m a godly, wise woman I’ll never do anything outside of my home?” Of course it doesn’t mean that. But as we look in the Scripture, we see that a wise woman is one whose heart is at home. No matter what she is out doing—it may be chauffeuring kids back and forth to school or piano lessons, watching soccer games, in the church, in the community—her heart is still to be building her family. She is looking for ways to serve and honor and bless her family.

Many women today are not content to be in that place. They’re looking for satisfaction in something that can be offered to them outside of their family. I’ve talked with so many of these women, many of them with tear-streaked faces, acknowledging that they have not found the satisfaction that they were looking for.

Now, let me say this: it’s not your family that can satisfy you. It's not your home that will make you content. God is the only one who can satisfy the deepest needs and longings of your heart. But if you want to be a truly fulfilled, happy woman—if God has called you to be a wife and mother—your greatest fulfillment will come through filling the role that God created for you.

That’s true of any woman, by the way. Married, single, children, no children, empty nest, grandmother, widow—whatever your station in life, joy comes from embracing the season of life where God has put me and accepting the responsibilities that go with that season of life. So we ask, “Am I choosing the pathway of contentment?”

That doesn’t mean, “Do you love everything about your family?” It doesn’t mean, “Does your family always make you happy, or do you just love always doing things for them?” Contentment is a choice. Contentment is embracing and saying, “This is the season for this, so that’s where I will choose to find my fulfillment.” In that way, you will find the pathway to joy.

Here’s another question for married women: do I reserve intimate communication, looks, words, and touch for my husband? There are things that are appropriate and right and good to say to your husband that should not be said to other men. Let me say that there are things that are appropriate to discuss with your husband that are not appropriate to discuss with other women.

I shutter sometimes when I hear women talking about intimate details of their marriage with other women. Now, there may be a situation where a wise woman of God can help you learn how to be a more godly wife, as you share with her some of the scenario in which you find yourself. But be careful about sharing intimate details of your marriage with anyone—another woman, another man, or with your children, as sometimes happens.

Are you reserving intimate communication, intimate looks and words, and physical touch for your husband? There are appropriate ways to touch your husband that you ought not to touch another man.

This seems like it would be so obvious, but in our generation some of these things just aren’t so obvious anymore. That’s why not only do we need to understand them, but we need to be teaching other women these matters.

Another question along that line: am I giving of my emotions, my attention, or my affection to a man other than my husband? Are you reserving your best and most intimate emotions for him, or are you finding yourself giving some of your emotional energy, some of your attention, mental focus, and affection to a man other than your husband? If you are, then be honest about it and acknowledge that you are being a foolish woman and you are tearing down your home.

If you’re in a situation where you’re faced with that possibility, there is one solution: get out. Don’t think that you can handle it. Don’t think that you can deal with it. Don’t even try.

If you find yourself sharing of your emotional energy and affection with a man other than your husband . . . It may be in a counseling situation, and you find yourself opening up intimate parts of your heart to a male counselor. I don’t care if he is your pastor or your therapist or what he is.

If it’s not your husband that you’re opening your heart to, and you’re sharing parts of your heart with a man who is not your husband that you’re not sharing with your husband or that should be reserved for your marriage, then get out of the relationship. You say, “This won’t be dangerous.” It will be dangerous.

By the way, whatever a mother excuses in moderation, her children are likely to excuse in excess. As you plant those seeds, remember that your children are watching. They’re learning. They’re being discipled by your example.

Another question for married women: am I meeting my husband’s sexual needs?  The New Testament teaches us that the wife’s body does not belong to herself; it belongs to her husband. The husband’s body is not his own; it belongs to his wife. Wives, you have a responsibility to be meeting the sexual needs of your husband. If you refuse to meet his sexual needs, you will be a foolish woman who will be tearing your house.

Another question that relates to wives: am I a trustworthy wife? Is there any relationship or behavior that I'm involved in that I'm keeping from my husband? Have I been totally honest with my husband? This all has to do with trustworthiness and honesty. Are you hiding anything from your husband? Is there someone that you’re being drawn to and you have not been honest with your husband? Can your husband trust that you are being honest with him?

Then here’s another question that is an important one for married women: does my husband have the freedom to be totally honest with me? I’ve heard women express an utter inability to understand their husband’s sexual struggles, the moral things that their husbands struggle with. Women and men are just wired differently. We need to accept that and trust that it’s true.

Some of those women—when their husbands have struggled with moral issues—some of those women have been so disgusted, so repulsed by those struggles which they can’t understand that they’ve created a climate where their husband does not feel free to be honest with his wife—the one that he most needs to be honest with, the one that could most help him with her encouragement and her prayers.

But he can’t feel the freedom to be honest because he knows if he tells her where he’s really struggling, she’s going to tear him down. She's going to reject him. Your husband needs to know that you are a safe place—that he can be honest with you and that you will work with him through his struggles, that you will pray for him, that you will lift him up, that you’re not going to go talking to other women or other people about those issues but that you can be trusted.

Now, let me say that we’ve talked about some tough areas here. Some of you are going to be tempted to say, “I’m going to go home and be that wise woman who builds up my house. I’m going to be this perfect wife. I’m going to do all these things just right.”

You may find that you haven’t been home ten minutes before you’ve fallen flat on your face. That just proves a point that is all through the Scripture, and that is that you cannot be—I cannot be—a wise woman apart from the power of Christ and His Holy Spirit enabling me to be that woman.

So remember as you go home from this place that you’re going in dependence upon God, upon the power of His Spirit. Cry out to Him and say, “Lord, I can’t be this wife, but I know that You can love and minister to and build up that man through me.”

Thank You, Lord, for those women in this group today who are married, and for so many who have been faithful to their marriage vows, faithful through some tough times.

I want to lift up those women and pray that You will encourage them in their role as a wife and as a mother, that You will encourage them as they seek to build up their husbands, as they seek to be faithful, to be honest, to be trustworthy, and to be a safe place for their husbands.

O Lord, give them the grace in the difficult moments of life with less than perfect husbands and less than perfect wives. Give them grace to be faithful and to build up their husbands, to be wise women. We pray in Jesus’ name, amen.

Dannah: That’s Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth encouraging you to build your home—to be the wise woman God created you to be.

This is the kind of encouragement we share week in and week out on Revive Our Hearts, and your donations make this possible. If you’d like to partner with us as we call women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ, you can do that by visiting ReviveOurHearts.com. 

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Tomorrow, we’re delving into what you might call a hot topic in the mom world today: gentle parenting. Is it helpful or hurtful? This is more than just a parenting philosophy question. It’s a spiritual question. You’ll have to join us to find out why that is. Please be back for Revive Our Hearts!

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