A Wife’s Submission: What It Is and Isn’t

Dannah Gresh: One young wife has discovered that the joy of submitting to her husband is ultimately based on the Lord.

Anna Preston: My submission is not because my husband has earned it or deserves it, but it’s because I have been commanded this in the Word of God, and He is not going to lead me astray. I’m finding a lot of rest in that!

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, author of Adorned, for April 30, 2025. I’m Dannah Gresh.

Wow! Can you believe that today is already the last day of April? Where did the spring go?! Well, here on Revive Our Hearts, April has been a month of surrender. In a variety of ways, we’ve been reminding our hearts to lay aside whatever right to be in control we might think we have and to place our lives in the Lord’s hands.

Sometimes that’s harder than others. Sometimes it’s a dramatic, life-changing moment. But more often than not, surrendering to God’s will comes in the little, daily choices, dare I say, even mundane decisions.

I’ll tell you, one area for us as wives where it can be a challenge to say, “Yes, Lord,” is in submitting to our husbands. Can I get an amen? 

Today, Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth is going to help us think carefully about submission in marriage. But to set the stage, I want you to hear a conversation I had with Anna Preston. She’s a young wife on staff at Revive Our Hearts, and she’s learning this submission thing for herself. Anna, tell us when you first encountered Revive Our Hearts.

Anna: I was a freshman in college at Moody Bible Institute and came across Nancy’s book Adorned. Of course, had to read the author description because I was very fixated on the book, and that was when I learned about Nancy and Revive Our Hearts and started following along with the ministry.

Dannah: And how long ago was that?

Anna: That was five years ago, in 2019.

Dannah: Wonderful! Now, how has the Lord used Revive Our Hearts in your life since then?

Anna: I think the focus on biblical womanhood has been a breath of fresh air. I, thankfully, had really great examples growing up for what it looks like to follow Christ as a woman, but having this specific content—going through Scripture so thoroughly and honestly—has been a huge blessing for me! And then working for the ministry has only amplified that. Seeing it actually lived out in the staff here has made it very real and applicable.

Dannah: It’s real to us. It’s not just something we talk about. What is your role on staff?

Anna: I’m a Ministry Services Representative, so if anyone calls the ministry or emails or chats, they might be reaching me. I love serving in that way.

Dannah: They hear from you, that’s wonderful. We love having you on the team! So, you recently got married. How long have you been married, at this point? 

Anna: Just about two years.

Dannah: And this biblical womanhood has been significant in helping you learn how to be a new wife. Talk about that.

Anna: Yes, I gave it a lot of attention when I was engaged, knowing that I wanted to be a wife who was honoring the Lord and honoring my husband. But you know, then you get married . . . We’ve been staying put in Chicago. We haven’t had too many decisions to make or anything.

So, I’ve been hearing the material from Revive Our Hearts and have gleaned a lot from that, but haven’t had a ton of opportunities to apply it in hard times, particularly with submission as a wife. 

Really, just in the past couple of weeks as we are preparing for this move, it has brought about just a lot of logistics and decision making. Those are opportunities where our roles really need to come into play. We need a defined leader, and I need to be supportive of my husband.

We’re doing this together, but it just made it very real.

So, coming back to the teachings of Revive Our Hearts—which are the teachings of Scripture—but through Revive Our Hearts the Lord is reminding me of the core of what it means to be a woman of God and to honor Him through my marriage, when it really can be scary to lay some things down in surrender before Him! Because that’s ultimately what I’m learning it is. It’s trusting Him with my marriage, with my future, and that I’m not being overlooked.

I have a wonderful husband. I have a really delightful marriage, praise God! But it can still be hard, even future forecasting and wondering what that will look like.

Dannah: In the best of marriages, we disagree. In every circumstance—no matter what environment we’re in—there’s always somebody that has to be the tie-breaker, right?

Anna: Yes.

Dannah: And God has just given us some instructions so that we don’t just have chaos, but we have good leadership. You’re talking about embracing that. That’s pretty counter-cultural for a young woman. Can I ask how old you are?

Anna: Twenty-four.

Dannah: Twenty-four years old, and you’re talking about biblical womanhood and the beauty of male headship, the safety of male headship in the home. Do you feel sometimes like you’re all alone in that with your age group?

Anna: I wouldn’t say all alone, but I would say largely alone . . . or at least, very different. Thankfully, I have a really solid core group of women in my life and in my family, on both sides of my family.

But as a whole, in our culture it seems very isolating, to the point where upon graduating from Moody (where again I had great teaching there) I was starting to wonder, Am I taking this too far? Is there something else? I was dipping my toes in, safely and prayerfully, to see like, “What are other Christians saying? Is there something to other views?” I’ve just found I’m not finding the same peace and guidance with these other perspectives. 

I was just talking to someone else on staff, saying that the inconvenience at times—so to speak—of submission, laying down your entitlement basically, to trust someone else, to trust the Lord, is so much more preferable than the chaos of being in disagreement or making a decision and not having defined roles. Either one is going to present challenges, and the one that is going to honor the Lord is going to bring so much more peace—being able to trust my husband, to yield to him, and ultimately to the Lord.

I'm in the very beginning stages of embracing this . . . the very beginning! But it’s refreshing, and it feels like a burden lifted!

Dannah: Yes. You talk about that there’s peace in it. What I’ve found is that whatever you’re fighting over, a lot of times they’re stupid things, right? We tend to fight over smaller things, at least in my marriage. We don’t fight over the big stuff. It’s always these little things: where to park the car in the parking lot at church on Sunday morning. (laughter) And if you don’t have this view of male headship, you’re not only fighting about where to park the car, but you’re also fighting about fighting, and fighting about who’s in charge.

And I also think my husband has it harder. When you look at the passage that says that we’re supposed to submit to our husband’s leadership, and he’s supposed to “lay his life down!”

So, the tie breakers come a few times a year for Bob and Dannah Gresh, but the laying the life down thing? That’s every day . . . every day!

Anna: Absolutely!

Dannah: I think that’s a part of the conversation you sometimes don’t hear about—how “inconvenient” (to use your word) that it can be for the husband in this model. So, how have you felt safe or treasured with your husband as he lays his life down for you?

Anna: I have a wonderful husband! He’s a listener. Sometimes I feel that he knows me better than I know myself . . . which is a very safe thing to come home to. And to know that when I’m voicing my opinion on something, when I’m voicing my preference on something that I know he might differ in, I see him yield to that.

Even in the little things. Like, we’ll go to a restaurant, and he’ll give me the chair with the better view. Or if he knows that I want my nightly sweet treat—which is our joke—he is going to spend the grocery money on that and deny something he might want.

It’s from these little things where I see that. I know come the bigger stuff, that he is considering me. And so, oftentimes when I get that fear of submission, it’s more so from something I’ve made up in my head than anything my husband has proven to me, that I have anything to fear.

So that’s a real gift, to witness that Christ-like character in my own marriage. I know not every woman has that. But that’s a real gift to me!

Dannah: You’ve been married, what, two years?

Anna: Yes, just about.

Dannah: So, I just celebrated my thirty-fifth anniversary. 

Anna: Congratulations!

Dannah: I have a husband who sounds a lot like yours, but there was a time when he wasn’t necessarily a godly leader. He had a period of sin that was really difficult for us. For a woman who is in that place right now, I just want to say that there’s hope, because I’m living in it! But for a woman who is there right now . . . Let’s say you wake tomorrow and you find that there is an issue of sin, or your godly, good husband has proven that he’s human after all. How is this still a safe paradigm, or how do you respond to that?

Anna: It comes down to my ultimate submission being to the Lord. I don’t have a perfect answer to that question. I have friends in all different kinds of seasons of marriages. This is a harder conversation to have. There is a lot of joy that can be had in my submission to my husband right now, and I know that might not always be the case. So, I don’t have a perfect answer. But I know that day by day what I’m learning, and have not done well, but am learning is that my submission is not because my husband has earned it or deserves it, but it’s because I have been commanded this in the Word of God, and He is not going to lead me astray. I’m finding a lot of rest in that!

If He has put me in marriage, marriage is not going to get in the way of what He has for me. It’s going to be His means to guide me and to bring about His will in my life. I know that’s going to be a lot easier for me to say than some others right now, but it still is the truth. I’m finding rest in that, and I know I will need that going forward.

Dannah: You said a lot of things there that were very profound. I’m impressed! I don’t think you are “just starting to learn!” One thing you said was that our trust is ultimately in God, and that’s what we have to remember.

But the other thing that you said—which I just think is so good—is, “I don’t have all the answers.” Because you know what we have to do in times like that? We have to turn to the body of Christ, and we have to turn to others who are further along in their journey. Others can come in and confront your husband and work with your husband, and women who can come in and comfort your heart and work with you.

But, I guess the third wonderful thing you said is, it is God’s command, so it must work! I’ve seen it work in my life.

Anna: Yes! Can share one more thing on that? A really wonderful woman of God encouraged me, saying that the Lord sees the sacrifice and He honors that, in one way or another.

There is a freedom and a peace about yielding to the Lord and knowing that He sees it. Ultimately, everything is for Him, as our Audience of One! If I don’t get my way, so to speak, on a particular matter, He is seeing that, He is working in that. He can even make me want the thing that I didn’t think I wanted! I’m finding a lot of comfort in that. It is something I’m still trying to grasp, but those are the truths I’m trying to hold onto, and they are fresh right now!

 

Dannah: I’m very encouraged to hear someone in your generation speaking this truth and living this truth and picking up the baton of biblical womanhood. That’s such a blessing! How’d you get so far so fast? 

Anna: Oh, I don’t know how far I am, but I have really amazing parents and a really amazing community around me. I’ve been raised not just hearing this but seeing it. I’ve had amazing examples, and that’s a blessing. 

Dannah: Those moms and dads, they’re a treasure, huh? 

Anna: Oh yeah. Truly. Yes.

Dannah: They’d be proud of you. 

Anna: Thanks, Dannah.

Dannah: That’s my friend Anna Preston in a conversation we had about a year ago. She’s learning to trust that the Lord knows what He’s doing when He asks wives to submit to their husbands. 

Now, I know that the “s” word” (Dannah whispers submission) really upsets some people. Maybe you’re one of them. Can you do me a favor? Listen to the rest of this program. Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth has some important clarifications and definitions to share. 

This comes from her series called “God’s Beautiful Design for Women,” based on Titus chapter 2, verses 1–5. That passage is where the apostle Paul tells Pastor Titus that older women are to train the young women to be, among other things, “submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Here’s Nancy.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Now as we look at this thing of submission in the context of marriage, I’m convinced that much of the resistance to this idea comes from a faulty understanding of its meaning. 

So I want, in this session, to talk about some basics in relation to submission that we need to understand, and I’m going to do that in the form of nine statements—they’ll be quick—that talk about what submission is not.

Number 1: A wife’s submission is not to men in general.

Her submission is not to men in general. Now, every person—man, woman, young, old—has relationships that require submission, whether to parents, a boss, civil authorities, spiritual leaders in the church. 

But when Scripture instructs wives to submit here in Titus 2, it is specifically to be submissive to—whom?—to their own husbands. I’m not called to be submissive to your husband, except in the sense that all of us in the body of Christ are to have a humble, submissive attitude toward each other. 

But I am called to be submissive to my own husband in a way I’m not called to be submissive to men in general. I think this has been misunderstood. If we miss this, then we’re going to overreach on the subject of submission. 

I’m called to submit to my husband. You’re called to submit to your own husband. Who are these husbands? These are the ones who have been established by God to serve as the head of their own wife—not the head of women in general—and to love their wife and to lay down their life for their wife. So, a wife’s submission is not to men in general.

Number 2: Submission does not mean that you are inferior to your husband or worth less than he is.

This is a huge statement: Submission does not mean that you are inferior to your husband, because many books about biblical submission today, many blog posts, say that if you talk about submission, this is the same as saying that women are less than men. This is not true. It’s not true.

Scripture is unequivocal in affirming that men and women are both created in the image of God. Therefore:

• They have equal worth and value.
• They have equal access to the Father through Jesus Christ.
• They are equally co-heirs with Christ.
• They share equally in the Holy Spirit.
• Men and women are equally redeemed and baptized into Christ.
• They are equally partakers of His spiritual gifts.
• They are equally loved by God. 
• They are equally valued by God.

And to say all of that, is not incompatible with saying there are God-created differences and distinctions in the function and the assignment between the husband and his wife. Get it? So, to say that there are those differences is not to say that a woman is inferior to her husband or worth less than he is.

Number 3: Scripture doesn’t subject you as a wife to a life of forced compliance or forced submission.

Submission is to be a voluntary response of love and obedience to God on the part of a wife. No husband should ever force his wife to submit to him through coercion or manipulation.

So if you hear men say, “I’m the boss; you’re the wife. Submit!” this is not God’s paradigm or plan for submission.

Number 4: Submission doesn’t mean slavish, groveling subservience.

You are not your husband’s maid. You are not his employee. You are not his child. You are not a second-class citizen who bows at the feet of her superior. Rather, submission is a joyful, glad-hearted, intelligent, loving responsiveness to your husband’s God-ordained position as your spiritual head—whether he recognizes that or not, whether he gets that or not.

This is something we gladly give to the Lord and to our husbands as part of this great redemption picture that we’re painting. This headship we’re talking about doesn’t mean that a husband has absolute authority over his wife. Husbands are not the supreme authority over their wives—God is. Husbands have been delegated authority by God, and they will answer to Him for exercising that authority in a humble, sacrificial, loving way.

Number 5: Submission does not imply mindless, unquestioning obedience.

It doesn’t mean your husband has all the ideas, all the thoughts, and you never peep, you never squeak, you never say anything, you never have any input. That is not what submission means. A man who leads his home that way is foolish. 

That’s not God’s way. You are your husband’s helper. That means he needs you! He needs your input expressed in a humble, gentle way—hopefully the same way he’s leading and shepherding this marriage, in a humble and gentle way.

I am so thankful for a husband who values my input, who seeks it out on everything you can imagine. But I also realize that the way I give that input can make him more or less inclined to want to consider it. 

Now, he’s gracious even when I’m not, but I don’t want to test him. I want to give the input in such a way—not just blurting out everything I think, not just dumping all my great treasure trove of wisdom.

Like, for example, the time not to dump my input and my wisdom on my husband is when we’re lying in bed very early at night, and he’s falling off to sleep and can’t keep his eyes open another second. That’s not a great time. 

If I need to bring something up then, he’ll sit up, and he’ll listen, but I better make sure it’s something that needs to be discussed then and it can’t wait until the next morning. So, choose your time, and make sure your spirit is humble and gracious and gentle. It makes a huge difference. But submission does not imply mindless, unquestioning obedience.

Number 6: Submission doesn’t mean that your husband is always right.

Au contraire. Sometimes he’s not right. Your husband is not God—news flash! Now, you knew that, didn’t you? He’s a sinful man, just as you are a sinful woman. And biblical submission is not based on how wise or godly or capable or qualified your husband is. 

You may be a lot better at a lot of things in your marriage than your husband is, and a wise husband will draw on that experience and that wisdom and that input. But submission doesn’t mean that he’s always right. He isn’t always right.

Number 7: Submission never requires you to follow your husband into sin.

Your ultimate allegiance and loyalty are not to your husband but to God, to Christ. If your husband abuses his God-given authority in his role as the head of that marriage and requires you to do something that is contrary to the Word of God, you must obey God rather than your husband, but do it with a respectful and a humble attitude. Don’t let his sin make you sin.

In my observation from listening to a lot of wives, reading a lot of emails we’ve received from women over the years, a lot of wives in difficult marriages, is that in many cases, it’s not actually a matter of a husband requiring his wife to sin but rather that he’s giving direction that she just doesn’t agree with.

Now, she may be right about that, but there’s a difference between him requiring you to sin and him making a decision that you just don’t agree with. When it comes down to it, you need to submit in that—not to sin, but to something that’s just a matter of preference or wisdom. It’s important to distinguish between the two when responding to your husband’s direction.

Number 8: A wife’s submission never, never gives license for her husband to abuse her—ever.

And I want people to hear me say that, because people have taken things I’ve written, things I’ve said, a line here and there, and have come after us full force, mowing us down. This happened, actually, when this Adorned book came out.

Somebody who had read something I had written years ago, which is a biblical statement, but I didn’t surround it with all the caveats; and they came on Twitter after me hard and fast. This happened within just the past couple of weeks. And, you know what? You trust that to the Lord.

But I don’t want to give people ammunition. I want to make it very, very clear that a wife’s submission NEVER gives license for her husband to abuse her.

There are women sitting in this room today whose husband or dad or another man, their view of a man’s role—what’s macho, what’s manly, what’s the head of the home—caused them to treat you in ways that were not biblical, that were abhorrent to God. And that cannot be in any way justified.

Whenever women are instructed in Scripture to submit to their husbands, there is always a corresponding command for husbands to love and cherish their wife. There is no possible justification for a husband to lord it over his wife or to abuse her, whether it’s in overtly, physical and verbal ways or in more, shall we say, respectable ways, hidden ways of manipulation and intimidation.

So if you are being abused or believe that you are, you must get help! And I know for the woman who’s in that situation that may seem like an impossibility. “How could I ever do that?” Well, first of all, you cry out to the Lord who is the Defender of the helpless, and He will come to your rescue, if you cry out to Him, in ways that perhaps you can’t imagine.

There is nothing in the biblical teaching on submission that permits or condones or allows such treatment. If you or your children are being physically harmed or threatened, you need to get to a safe place and contact both civil authorities and spiritual authorities for protection.

I know that may be difficult, so find a woman that you can trust, if you can’t bring yourself to make that phone call. If you can’t bring yourself to go to that pastor or make that call to the civil authorities, then find a woman that you trust who will help you do it, who will go with you.

Don’t say, “I’m just supposed to sit here and be submissive to this.” That is not God’s way. That’s not right.

Number 9: Submission is not mere outward compliance.

It’s not just what I do that is submissive. It’s my heart, my heart attitude, the spirit with which I submit. We’re called to submit to human authorities—our husband’s leadership and headship—in a Christ-like manner.

You read about this in 1 Peter chapter 2, how Christ submitted Himself to those who wronged Him, but without being angry or resentful or hateful or having a rebellious attitude. In fact, His attitude was one of compassion for those who wronged Him, one of forgiveness.

Now, again, there’s not time in this session to go into this whole thing of what forgiveness looks like in this situation. Forgiving your husband who has sinned against you in this whole issue of submission and headship does not mean that you stay there and take sinful behavior on his part. You can forgive, and you can still call the police.

When you forgive, you’re just saying, “I’m not the one who is going to adjudicate your case. I’m not going to hate you. I’m not going to be bitter toward you. I’m not going to be angry and hateful toward you.” (Angry, yes, at the sin, but hateful toward the person, no.)

“I’m not the judge. I’m not the jury. I’m not the court. I’m turning you over to God’s court. So, I’m releasing you from my court. I’m releasing you from my courtroom.”

But, submission is not just the outward actions of submission. It’s the heart attitude. A friend said to me years ago:

I used to view submission as not directly violating my husband’s instructions. If he drew a line, I would do it. I thought that was submission. My understanding of submission was focused more on outward actions than on the inner humility of a surrendered heart.

My husband is a very kind and gentle leader and rarely puts his foot down on any issue. But early in our marriage, if he made a decision I didn’t want to follow. I would comply but with a resistant spirit. I might go along with my husband’s decisions, but it was with a begrudging attitude. And if I had the opportunity, I was ready to point out to him why this was not going to work.

As a result of my strong-willed personality and my husband’s fear of confrontation [which is true of a whole lot more men than you might imagine], much of our marriage has suffered under the inverted dynamic of him looking to me for leadership.

When I realized how my domination had emasculated him and paralyzed him with fear, I came to him in repentance, seeking forgiveness, but it has been an arduous task of rebuilding and developing new patterns of behavior and learning the attitudes of humility that are necessary in order to live out biblical submission.

And I’ve watched this woman and her husband go through this many-year process. It’s been a beautiful thing, a hard thing, but a beautiful thing! She said:

For him, this process means having the courage to lead after years of following my lead.

So, to be submissive is not these nine things we’ve just talked about, but it is to be responsive to your husband’s leadership, to his initiative, to be inclined, to be leadable, to be amenable, to be bent toward following his leadership, which requires a willingness to trust God.And sometimes, to defer or let go of your own preferences, your own opinions. It doesn’t mean we don’t talk about these things.

So you have this “dance,” this give, this take, this flow. It can be a beautiful thing when you do it God’s way!

Dannah: Some helpful clarifications there, from Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, especially about what the Bible doesn’t mean when it says wives are to submit to their own husbands. As I mentioned, that comes from a larger series Nancy did on Paul’s instructions for women in Titus chapter 2. It’s called “God’s Beautiful Design for Women.”

You’ll find we’ve linked to that series in the transcript of this program at ReviveOurHearts.com, or you can also find it on the Revive Our Hearts app. We have also include a link to more information on Nancy’s book Adorned. It goes with the teaching you have just heard.

You know, in general, surrendering ourselves to God’s way of doing things is not always easy to do, but the end results are oh so worth it! In her book on surrender, Nancy says (let me read this):

When we sign the blank contract of surrender, there are no guarantees about where God will lead us or how difficult our journey will be. Yet we know the character of the One in whom we’ve placed our trust. And we know that God’s promises more than offset any risks or dangers or challenges that He may allow into our lives.

Well, today’s the last day we’ll be offering Nancy’s book Surrender as a thank-you for your donation of any amount. I hope you’ll contact us with your gift and ask for Surrender: The Heart God Controls when you make your donation. To do that, just head to ReviveOurHearts.com/Donate, or call us at 1-800-569-5959.

Also, today is the final day of our Spring Sale. You can check out the resources we’re offering at discounted prices, including Nancy’s book on Titus 2, Adorned. Go to ReviveOurHearts.com/SpringSale. 

Have you given much thought about how God is advancing His kingdom in gradual stages? Maybe you’ve seen that in your own life. On tomorrow’s edition of Revive Our Hearts, Nancy will take us to an intriguing passage in the book of Ezekiel. She’ll show us that God’s Spirit is at work in ways that grow and grow, until it’s like a mighty river. I hope you’ll join us tomorrow for Revive Our Hearts!

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ!

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