Numbering Our Days

Dannah Gresh: Colleen Chao remembers facing a particularly difficult season of life.

Colleen Chao: This was when Jeremy was around two and three years old, and we just were overwhelmed with his health issues at the same time that we were navigating mine. As a mom, I wanted answers so badly! I wanted to help my son. He was so sick and so miserable.

I went to this wise woman, and she told me, “Go home and take an orange. Observe it. Look at the dimples on it . . . why are there dimples on this orange? Smell it, and cut it open slowly. Look at the insides. Look at those sections that God has created in this beautiful fruit! Then smell it and taste it and savor and marvel! Let’s look at God’s creation, then look at how good He is and thank God. Look for God. Stay curious, like, what is He doing, because look at what He’s made!”

He’s not making mistakes; He’s not messing this up. His design is perfect. I would ask God, “Enlarge my heart for You. Give me bigger thoughts of You and smaller thoughts of my circumstances.” You could call it “wonder” or “awe” or “worship.” 

 

“God, You’re so big! Your thoughts are not my thoughts. Your ways are not my ways. So I want bigger thoughts of You. I want to wonder at You and worship You for being bigger than I am and doing something good, even if right now it feels terrible.”

Then, I could quiet enough to open my Bible and hear from Him. It was taking the tangible so that I could quiet and enjoy and absorb His words, His presence. So those things started a pattern. 

I had no idea things would get more and more difficult. I was looking for relief . . . like, “We’ve put in our time! This has been hard for a long time. A break is coming!” And it just kept getting harder and more difficult news!

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, co-author of You Can Trust God to Write Your Story. Today is Monday, September 29, a day full of marvels . . . if you adjust your eyes to see them! I’m Dannah Gresh.

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth: Is there something strangling your joy today? It’s possible that you’re facing unusual pain and difficulty. But I think we’re all tempted to focus on our circumstances and miss out on the wonders of creation and the wonder of God’s truth!

Colleen Chao purposefully cultivates a sense of wonder every day.

About four years ago, Colleen received a diagnosis of Stage IV terminal cancer. At that point she became acutely aware that her days were numbered. She began praying for more time to spend with her husband Eddie and their son, Jeremy. And she wanted her story to be a gift to others.

Well, it has been a gift, for sure. Colleen wrote a book called In the Hands of a Fiercely Tender God. If you know someone who is suffering in any way, I hope you’ll get this book into their hands. Colleen is honest about suffering, but she also offers hope and comfort. 

And now, Colleen has written a brand-new book all about longing for eternity. It’s called On Our Way Home: Reflections on Heaven in the Face of Death. Both of these books unfold in a series of short chapters. They’re easy to read, but chock-full of biblical truth. On today’s program Colleen offers us a series of these short segments.

Dannah: Colleen prays for more time here on earth for the sake of her husband, Eddie, and her son, Jeremy. She remembers telling Jeremy about her cancer diagnosis.

Colleen: So with that first diagnosis, I came home that day to my six-year-old son, and I said, “We got hard news today. It’s cancer. But God is going to use this for our good, for your good.” He was absorbing it like a little six-year-old does, just processing, and he got teary-eyed.

Jeremy Chao: I remember asking to read the passage in Daniel.

Colleen: It seemed out of the blue, but he said, “Can we read the story of the fiery furnace?” 

Jeremy: I think it was one of my favorite stories as a younger kid.

Colleen: So Eddie grabbed the Bible. We’re all sitting in our bedroom, and Eddie reads the story.

Eddie Chao: 

Then Nebuchadnezzar was filled with rage, and the expression on his face changed towards Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. He gave orders to heat the furnace seven times more than was customary, and he commanded some of the best soldiers in his army to tie up Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and to throw them into the furnace of blazing fire!” (Dan. 3:19–21 CSB)

Colleen: It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve heard that story. It’s an amazing story! Just kind of reliving it in that moment of this terrible diagnosis.

Eddie:

Then King Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in alarm. He said to his advisors, “Didn’t we throw three men, bound, into the fire?”

“Yes, of course, your Majesty!” they replied to the king. 

He exclaimed, “Look! I see four men not tied, walking around in the fire unharmed; and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.’” (vv. 24–25)

Colleen: And then Eddie closes the Bible, and Jeremy said, “There are four of us in this family!” And I just marvel at the fact that God gave a six-year-old eyes to see the Son of God in the fire with us! That was one of those amazing moments that we just saw God creating this story for us, that He was going to do us good!

It was what I had just told Jeremy, “He is going to use this for good in your life.” And here is his faith being able to see God with us. It was an extraordinary moment that I treasure, that I got to see a glimpse of God meeting my son in the fire. 

This would turn his world upside down, and I couldn’t control that. And as moms, we want to control that. But I was seeing God: “I’m going to take care of your son, and I’m going to reveal Myself to him.” Amazing! 

In this scenario, these young men are doing what’s good and right; they’re obeying God and putting their lives on the line. And instead of just being thrown into the regular furnace (that’s going to kill them anyway), Nebuchadnezzar is so angry at their defying his godship that He has that furnace heated seven times the normal heat!

It has been so often my experience that God does not pave the way with ease. He makes it harder!

Jeremy: I mean, my mom got the second diagnosis, which was terminal, which was definitely harder, but God has been with us each step of the way.

Colleen: He ups that heat, because He’s making pure gold! I feel so deeply with Paul when he says [in 1 Timothy 1:15 KJV], “I’m the chief of sinners.” That is what I feel! I am the chief of sinners . . . and it has taken a lot of fire! (laughter)

And I think some people, maybe they only need it heated two times or three times. But with my hard heart and thick skull, and I’m slow to learn, like, I need that seven-times-hotter furnace! And so, God has done that.

At times I throw some punches in my spirit, like,“Why are You making this harder and harder and hotter and hotter!!?” It’s so that He can reveal Himself with me, and so that He can make me look more like Him, and that is a slow, painful, messy process. This is not overnight, this is not something that I do well. I experience His presence and become more like Him! 

Jeremy was born a month premature. Then we saw little things early on that were not quite right. We started seeing specialists, all kinds of pediatricians, and nobody could figure it out for years. 

Eventually we figured out it was periodic fever syndrome, asthma and then there were other things they were trying to nail down. He started growing out of those things, like juvenile arthritis. There was just a lot of pain and so, so many things he suffered as a little guy, for years!

Every month he would be in my arms with up to 104 degree fevers, you know, just languishing with all kinds of pain and stomach issues. When Jeremy was at his weakest, that’s where I ran to him the fastest! 

And I just think of that. I was reminding myself of that this last week, just with some condemning thoughts of my brokeness and, “Errrr! I’m just so tired of this sin!” But thinking like, “That’s where God rushes to meet me, is my weakness, and it has given me such a picture of His love!”

And if I love my son this fiercely, this much, how much more does God love me and see me through Jesus. That’s just mind-boggling! But it gives me a little glimpse into that.

I was single, I want to say, maybe twenty-eight years old if I remember correctly, and I was tired of being single! I was like, “Peace out! This has been too long!” Like, “All my friends are poppin’ out kids,” and it was a harder season of singleness.

I remember walking out from work and looked, and the sky was one of the most incredible sunsets I had ever seen—and I’ve seen some! It was just layers, and it just covered the entire horizon! It was glory in the sky, so it was radiant, and it took my breath away! God met me!

It was one of those times where the divine kind of breaks through in a special way and you sense God’s nearness and His glory palpably. That was one of those times where God met me and was saying, “I am God of creation, and look at the beauty I’m creating! What I’m doing is not a mistake. I am with you. I see and I care, and I’m giving you this beautiful moment with Me to remind you that I am with you, and I am doing something good.”

You could be standing right next to somebody else looking at the same thing, and you are going to experience it in a way that feels like you just stuck a foot into eternity. You look over, and you’re like, “They’re not having the same experience as I am!” Because God breaks through in a very special way for you in that moment and the veil becomes thin.

You understand that there is another world that is very real, and it’s putting our longings into a moment of time. It makes you realize that there is something there that is sacred and beautiful, and we’re only going to get little glimpses and touches of what is coming. But in God’s kindness, He lets us sense it for a fleeing moment.

I will say, I’ve experienced so much more of that through a terminal diagnosis than I ever did before, because I do feel like I have some toes in eternity constantly now, and so the veil feels thinner. That’s one of the gifts of this journey.

This journey (I would say before cancer, really) was through chronic illness and singleness. It’s always been a fight for where my eyes go, for what I’m looking at. And so, it’s our gaze; it’s what we’re fixing our eyes on.

I do not do this well. I am highly distracted. I can go all the wrong places with my gaze. But in God’s kindness and the Spirit’s power, He gently takes my face and turns it back to Him! And that constant re-orienting of my gaze, I’ve found that it’s a habit through the day.

So, it could be putting on a worship song. It could be, sometimes I write a little Scripture on my skin just so it’s right there in front of me. It could be pulling up a Scripture from memory, or listening to a really theologically rich audio book, or stopping and thanking God, or worshipping Him for His creation. It’s redeeming the little moments, to shift back.

In Psalm 27:4, David is literally fleeing from enemies—murderous, villainous people seeking his life. This is what he says, which is mind-blowing to me! He says, 

I’ve asked one thing from the Lord: 
it is what I desire: 
to dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
gazing on the beauty of the Lord
and seeking Him in his temple.” 

Here is David, his life is on the line, and he knows he could die at any moment, and what does he say? He’s not like, "Lord, rescue me!” I mean, he has lots of rescue-psalm prayers, right? He prays that a lot! But he also says, “I want one thing, it’s what I long for, and it’s to look at God’s beauty, to seek Him in His temple, and gaze on that beauty!”

That is so instructional for me when I feel like my life is on the line. Like, life is fragile; it could end at any time. What is my longing? Is it for a miracle? Is it for renewed health and a perfect life and a comfortable future? 

Here we see in Scripture, life is fragile. What do we want? We want one thing, and it’s to gaze on God’s beauty forever and ever and ever, to dwell in His house. That’s our ultimate goal, our ultimate longing. It’s not the here-and-now.

If I’m remembering that one day I’m going to be looking at the most beautiful thing -that we can’t even . . . I mean, if you think of the most beautiful people you’ve ever seen or the most beautiful creation or something that just arrested your attention, that is nothing! That is a drop in the bucket compared to what Christ is going to be—the fullness of the Godhead! His beauty will be so compelling, we won’t want to look elsewhere! It’s going to capture us, and every longing is going to be fulfilled in that gaze! And David gets that, and he says, “That’s what I want. I want to gaze on that!” And that’s what I want. I don’t do that well yet, but that’s what I get to practice now. 

I get to keep pushing into that and practicing like, “God, help me think of You on Your throne and what You look like, and the glory that Scripture describes!”What are you tempted to fixate on?

• Is it the unfairness of your situation? 
• Is it the prolonged suffering? Is it watching a loved one suffer when you can do nothing, you can’t fix it. 
• Is it the grief, the pain? 

It is so tempting to just dig into that unfairness, the grief, the pain, and stay there, fixated on it.

If you, too, are tempted to fixate on the unfairness, on the heat that is seven times hotter in your furnace in the grief, in the pain, even in watching your loved ones suffer, without being able to do a thing about it; Jesus wants to take your face in His hands, cup your chin, catch your eyes, and lift them up to His so that you can see that He is with you in that furnace. He is not wasting one moment of this pain, and He will be faithful to see you through and to make beautiful things! So keep looking at Him, sweet friend!

I get up out of bed some days because I know this matters, that every day matters. The temptation for a lot of terminal patients is—I’m going to be real blunt and open—is suicide, because the suffering is so great, and it’s been so long and there is so much physical and emotional suffering.

I have a very tender heart. My heart breaks for them when I hear of people that have made that choice, because I know the temptation. But I tell you what, this day matters eternally! It’s extraordinary to get out of bed knowing that God is taking this prolonged suffering and using it to comfort. With the comfort that we receive from Him, we get to give it to others. He’s sure given me a lot of comfort, and so I want to give that to others. I don’t want to be selfish with it or just hole up in myself. That’s a temptation! 

Sometimes that’s what I want to do, just hole up and pull my head into the “turtle shell” and ignore the world! But I can get out of bed knowing that God has ordained good works for me to do beforehand, and this day is—even if it’s dishes and laundry—the day matters eternally!

I pray generationally! I don’t care about numbers or influence . . . that’s . . . whatever. But generationally, if Jeremy could see a mighty God at work in me and then he passes that on to his children . . . I pray for my children and great-grandchildren, that this would bear fruit, this suffering, and that it would comfort many in this day who don’t know how to get up in the morning.

My heart is so tender toward you if you have struggled with wanting the easy way out of your pain, of the prolonged suffering that doesn’t seem to end, but what I can testify to is every day is so precious! God wants to give you so much more than what you can see in this present moment!

This is not the end of the story! This is a passing chapter, and He is good. He is always good, and what He is doing is good, and we will see it one day. It is worth persevering and going to the end and trusting Him through yet another day that feels too much! He is greater still.

He is holding you by your hand and guiding you with His counsel, and afterward He will take you to glory, like Psalm 73 promises us.

Nancy: We’ve been listening to Colleen Chao remind us of our ultimate hope. When you place your faith in Jesus, you can know that you will spend eternity with Him on a new earth, with no more pain and no more suffering.

Colleen knows she’s now near heaven. She tells people, “The veil is thin.” From that vantage point, Colleen has written a book to help all of us long for heaven and kindle the hope we have in Jesus.

We’d love to send you Colleen’s brand-new book. It’s called On Our Way Home: Reflections on Heaven in the Face of Death. This would be perfect for anyone who is suffering. It would also be good for anyone who is tempted to think that heaven and eternal life will be boring. It’s a powerful book that I know is going to minister greatly to many people!

We’d be glad to send you a copy when you support Revive Our Hearts with a donation of any amount. Just visit ReviveOurHearts.com. That’s where you can make your donation and ask for your copy of Colleen’s book On Our Way Home.

While you’re there, you can also order a copy of Colleen’s other book In the Hands of a Fiercely Tender God. If you know someone who is suffering, I hope you’ll send them a link to today's program. You can find the audio and the transcript at ReviveOurHearts.com or on the Revive Our Hearts app.

Tomorrow Colleen will be back to share more stories, offer more insight on suffering and point us to the joys of heaven. I hope you’ll be back. Here’s Colleen with a final thought for today.

Colleen: When I was single in my twenties, I was wrestling to believe that God loved me, because He wasn’t giving me what I wanted! What I thought He had put on my heart to give me, He was withholding.

So I went to the Word and I looked for promises of His love, and I compiled a list of those promises. I’ve called it my “love list” over the years, and I have shared it more times than I can count, because these are truths that have held me through every season. I go back to this again and again to remind myself of these proofs of God’s love that are mesmerizing, beautiful, sustaining, eternal. 

These are just a few of the things that I found—the promises that I cling to and believe to comfort my heart and to convince me that God loves me so much in every way possible, beyond my wildest imaginations! I hope it deeply encourages you, too!

Love List

Colleen: He satisfies my hunger and quenches my thirst. (John 6:35)

Eddie: He leads me with cords of kindness and ropes of love. He holds my hand. (Hosea 11:4)

Jeremy: He will do abundantly more than all that I can ask or imagine! He gives me life, beauty, and dignity. (Eph. 3:20)

Colleen: He carries me close to His heart. (Isa. 40:11)

Eddie: He thinks of me constantly, His thoughts of me outnumber the grains of sand on the sea! (Psalm 139:17–18)

Jeremy: He has engraved me on the palm of His hand. (Isa. 49:16)

Colleen: He daily bears my burdens. (Psalm 68:19)

Eddie: He has planned out my days. (Psalm 139:16; 118:24)

Jeremy: He rejoices over me like a bridegroom rejoices over his bride! (Isa. 62:5)

Colleen: He protects and rescues me. (Psalm 91)

Eddie: He intercedes for me.

Colleen: He delights in me and rejoices over me with singing! (Zeph. 3:17)

Jeremy: He gives me the power to live like Him! (Rom. 8:9–11; Phil. 4:13)

Colleen: He created me for a special purpose and designed me to be His wonderful creation! (Psalm 139:13–14; Jer. 1:5; Eph. 2:10)

Eddie: He understands my temptations and weaknesses. (Heb. 2:17–18)

Jeremy: He helps me. (Isa. 41:10, 14; Psalm 118:13; Deut. 33:26)

Colleen: His love for me is as high as the heavens are above the earth. (Psalm 103:11)

Eddie: He teaches me what is best for me. (Isa. 48:17)

Jeremy: He will fulfill His purpose for me. (Psalm 138:8; Phil. 1:6)

Colleen: He guides me with His counsel. (Psalm 73:24)

Eddie: He listens to me; He hears my cry. (Psalm 145:19)

Jeremy: He keeps a record of all my tears. (Psalm 56:8)

Colleen: He satisfies my hunger and quenches my thirst. (John 6:35)

Eddie: He has made me His child. (Rom 8:14; Gal. 4:5; 3:26)

Jeremy: He listens to me; He hears my cry. (Psalm 145:19)

Colleen: He longs to give me His very best! (Isa. 1:19)

Eddie: He has lavished on me all the riches of His grace. (Eph. 1:7–8)

Jeremy: He directs my steps. (Prov. 20:24)

Colleen: He lifts me up and carries me. (Isa. 63:14)

Eddie: He is distressed in my distress. (Isa. 63:9)

Colleen: He chooses to forget my sins; He buries them in the deep sea. (Isa. 43:25; Mic. 7:19)

Jeremy: He will give me strength to serve Him. (1 Peter 4:11)

Colleen: He has given me a home in heaven. (Col. 1:13; Eph. 2:6)

Eddie: He leads me through the depths of the darkness. (Isa. 50:10)

Colleen: He laid down his life for me! (John 10:11)

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness and fruitfulness in Christ!

All Scripture is taken from the CSB.
















 

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