How to Restrain Your Tongue

Dannah Gresh: Maria Johnson remembers the kind of words she has often said to her husband.

Maria Johnson: You shouldn't watch that TV show. You shouldn't listen to that music. You should park up there. You shouldn't drive that fast. You could change lanes now. You know, you really should do your Bible study. It's just endless.

Dannah: This is the Revive Our Hearts podcast with Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, author of Adorned, for July 14, 2025. I’m Dannah Gresh.

When you and I say too much, we are prone to sinning with our tongue. Nancy is about to help us think before we speak in a classic message. For your information, Nancy recorded this before she was married to Robert. She was living alone, and was able to try conducting an experiment.

Nancy: I read an interesting article in USA Today some time ago about a New Jersey teenager who was nineteen years of age, and his name was Brett. One day this young man decided he was spending too much time talking and wasn’t listening enough to others, so he took a “vow of silence” for a year.

That is pretty astounding! I can’t imagine—for a teenager or a non-teenager—how that would be possible. But I was intrigued by the idea and decided to take a similar challenge myself, except mine didn’t last a year. I decided to try it for forty hours.

While I was working on this material, I had a period of time when I was studying, where I thought, I just want to go on a fast from words. So I kept from speaking words for close to two days. Actually, it wasn’t too difficult because I was by myself the whole time.

I didn’t have anybody else around—although I will confess that I didn’t quite make it. On two occasions, I did find that I was talking to myself out loud! So I didn’t totally succeed, but I don’t know if that qualifies. If you are just talking to yourself . . . is that talking?

Anyway . . . that experience reminds me of a monk who went to a monastery that had a rule: You could only say two words every ten years. At the end of ten years, when the monk had his opportunity to say his two words, he said, “Bed hard!”

Another ten years went by—ten years of silence. At the end of those long years, he had the opportunity for his next two words. He said, “Food bad!”

Ten more years of silence came and went. At the end of that thirty-year period, he spoke his last two words. He said, “I quit!”

His superior responded, “I am not surprised. All you have done since you got to this place is complain!”

So this man didn’t speak many words, but the words he did speak were complaining words.

I’m not suggesting that Scripture teaches that we should not speak for a year or for ten years. There are many words that the Scripture says that we ought to say—words of blessing, words of encouragement, and words that build up or edify others.

We have been looking at the book of Proverbs over the last several sessions. Specifically, what it has to say about the tongue.

I have found myself greatly challenged and convicted as I have walked through the book of Proverbs. I have tried to pull out all the verses that relate to speech, to see what God has to say to my about my speech through that book.

One of the recurring themes in the book of Proverbs is the danger of talking too much and the importance of restraining our words.

Let us look at some of those verses in this session. Proverbs 10:19 is one of the verses that is most familiar to us. It reads, “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.” 

Two verses earlier in that chapter, verses 8 and 10—have a similar phrase: “A chattering fool comes to ruin” (NIV).

Proverbs reminds us that in the multitude of words—where there is too many words—sin is inevitable. Too much talking leads to all kinds of other sins: the sin of exaggeration, lying, foolish jesting, meaningless chatter, and criticism. You get in a group, start talking, and you say too much. Invariably, I find myself about to say something—about someone else—that is critical. I would have been better off if I had just restrained my lips and spoke less.

It can lead to saying things that are inappropriate or that are poorly timed—maybe something that would be acceptable to say in a different setting, but in that particular setting it is not appropriate.

It can also lead us to making comments that are insensitive or self-centered. Too much talking can lead us to murmuring or boasting and many other sins flow out of the sin of talking too much.

 

Proverbs 12:23 tells us, “A prudent man conceals knowledge, but the heart of fools proclaims foolishness.” 

Over and over again in the book of Proverbs you see this theme: a wise man does not have to say everything he knows. Instead, he demonstrates restraint and humility and speaks at the appropriate time. A fool gushes—blurts out foolish things and has no restraint.

You see this same thought in Proverbs chapter 29:11, “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.” 

Ladies, I have to say that most of us, as women, are particularly vulnerable to this kind of foolishness. If we feel it, we have to say it. And it is not always necessary or best to say it. A foolish person gives vent to all his feelings, but a wise man or woman holds it back. 

Proverbs 15:28, “The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours forth [or gushes out—literally ‘bubbles forth’] evil.”

Do you see how the mouth is connected to the heart? The wicked person has an evil heart—a foolish heart and an unwise heart—and he is going to gush out, bubble out things that are going to be evil words. Whereas the righteous person—the person with a righteous heart—carefully weighs his words.

This is one of the reasons that I don’t like doing live-radio interviews, especially if they are going to have call-ins. I do it sometimes, and I ask the Lord for grace to do it. But I know that there is a good chance—if I’m speaking on the spot, without a chance to think before I speak—that I’m going to say something that I will wish I hadn’t said.

It is those “off the cuff” comments that get me into trouble. But the heart of the righteous carefully considers how to answer before he speaks, rather than just blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. It is so dangerous when someone says, “What do you think about . . .”  I’m quick to say, “Well, I think that . . .”

What I think may be very wrong, inappropriate, or it may not be the wisdom of God’s Word. That’s why I prefer time to think when a question is asked. I don’t always take time when I have it, but I do need to take time to think, What does the Word of God have to say about this specific matter?

Proverbs 17:27–28 says, “He who has knowledge spares his words, and a man of understanding is of a calm spirit. Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace [This doesn’t mean he is wise, but it means that his silence gives an impression that he’s wiser than he really is]; when he shuts his lips, he is considered perceptive.”

He who has knowledge spares his words. A wise person uses caution in his speech. He doesn’t gab; he thinks before he speaks and measures his words carefully.

Some of us have tongues like rapidly moving rivers or babbling brooks. Particularly, when I have been in my study or alone for a while, I come out babbling—talking a mile a minute. Sometimes, often not soon enough, I catch myself and I think, You have done nothing but talk since you came out of your room or house!

Invariably, I’m going to sin with my lips if I don’t let the Holy Spirit restrain and control. It really is true. People who are more measured in their words are thought to be wise.

I have worked with two different men in this ministry who are men of few words. I think of them as men of great wisdom. I have been in staff meetings with these men on many different occasions. While discussing issues, most people are back and forth, throwing in their two cents worth. I frequently make comments, but in both cases I think of these particular men. Most of the time, they exhibit restraint and discipline enough to sit back for a long period of time, or so it seems to me. But do you know what happens when they finally do speak?

It’s like E.F. Hutton. Everyone listens and responds, “Yeah! Why didn’t we think of that?” People who hold their tongue are considered wise—and they are wise.

Some of you are frustrated about living with the feeling that your husband doesn’t really listen to you. Could it be possible that he might listen more attentively if you said less? I don’t mean that sarcastically at all. I think most people would pay more heed to our words if they knew that when we speak our words are careful, measured, and thought through before we say them.

Proverbs 18:13, “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is a folly and a shame to him.” 

I think that verse applies to jumping to conclusions. I say to those of you who are mothers, if you are quick to jump to conclusions, you will frustrate your children about the matter before you have heard the whole story. “He who answers a matter [or returns a word] before he hears it,” before he gets all the facts and hears it out, will come to wrong conclusions, will look foolish in the end, and will often frustrate others.

Part of having a wise tongue is the ability to listen—to listen! One area that I consistently violate holding my tongue is interruption. I grew up in a family with a lot of kids. Not only was it a big family, but the people in my family were strong-minded and rational, always wanting to interact and debate each other. In our family, if you wanted to speak you had to interrupt. That is not a good habit.

I thank the Lord for a lot of things about my family, and we did have a lot of great discussions. However, now when I stop and think, sometimes I realize that I haven’t even paid attention to what was said before I jump in with my own opinion. I sometimes speak before I hear the matter out.

Proverbs 29:20 puts it this way, “Do you see a man hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.”

According to Proverbs, there is not much hope for a fool. A man who is hasty to speak—who blurts out thoughtless, insensitive, or foolish words that can’t ever be taken back—has less hope than a fool.

Do you really want to know if you talk too much? I find that most of us who do talk too much don’t realize that we do. We have a hard time “landing our plane,” and there aren’t many people who love us enough to confront us about talking too much. If you do want to know, ask someone who knows you really well; ask your mate.

I was in a meeting recently where several individuals were involved in discussing some issues. After the meeting, I had an intuitive sense that I had said more than I should have; more than my share in the conversation. So I asked a man who was in the meeting, “Did I say too much in the meeting?”

He hesitated long enough that I knew I probably had. Then he said, “Well, the long story you told could have possibly been condensed a bit.” I was so thankful to have real friends who would help me know when in this area or in other areas I’m not walking according to the Word of God.

Ask someone else if you wonder if you are saying too much. Above all, ask the Lord. Say to Him, “Lord, am I saying more than what is pleasing to You? Are my lips being controlled and restrained by Your Holy Spirit?” Ask the Lord to give you wisdom and grace to speak to others after God has spoken to you. In that way you will know that the words you are speaking have come from His heart into your heart and then into the hearts of others.

Dannah: We are about to hear from a woman who is learning how to speak in the way Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth just described. Before she comes, let me tell you how to take a next step in learning to only speak words that give glory to God. Nancy wrote a booklet called The Power of Words to go along with this series, and we’d love to send it to you when you make a donation of any amount to support Revive Our Hearts. The booklet contains biblical wisdom from Nancy and reflection questions to help you ponder what you’re learning. To donate and ask for The Power of Words, visit ReviveOurHearts.com or call us at 1-800-569-5959.

You know, sometimes our husbands need to hear our perspective. If you’re married, how can you offer your husband helpful input without sinning with your words in the process? Nancy taught this series in front of an audience, and she asked the women to share. Here’s Maria’s story.

Maria: Just a few weeks ago, the Lord challenged me with a taped message that I am not my husband's mother or teacher. But He had given my husband a mother, and she's a precious, godly mother. And He had given my husband a teacher, and He is the Holy Spirit. And for an extraverted exhorter, that was real news to me after being married thirty-two years!

I shared with Nancy how I went to him the day the Lord convicted me. Just the day before, he had eaten a whole dish of candy watching one of the playoff games, and I just fussed and fussed and said such mean things. "You should just pour the whole sugar bowl in your mouth." "It's going to rot your teeth!" Even a mother shouldn't say it quite like that.

The Lord so convicted me and I said, "I was so wrong, would you please forgive me?" He turned to me and his mouth went agape. And then I said, "Please be patient with me because it has taken me forty-nine-years to get here, and I'm a slow learner." Then I put a card in my bathroom that says, "Wait silently on the Lord alone because my expectation is from Him." And a note, "Maria, please stop strangling Al and your children with your expectations."

My little daughter who is at home who is twenty-one has already said, "Mom, have you seen the difference in Dad the last few weeks?" She knew very well what I was struggling with in obeying the Lord. She said, "Even Daddy's prayers are different."

Then a few days later she said, "Mom, did you notice how Daddy is smiling more?"

In this few week period my husband came to me on a Sunday and said, "I don't know what you've got on your schedule for next week, but I want you to clear it. I think you need to rest."

My mouth fell open, and I quickly said, "Yes, Lord; okay Al." Honestly, the next morning I woke up with a fever and had it for two days and needed antibiotics. My husband could that I was overloading my calendar and getting run down, and I couldn't see it myself. So, God is good, and we can still learn!

Nancy: Maria, what are some other practical areas where you found yourself tempted to be your husband's teacher?

Maria: You shouldn't watch that TV show. You shouldn't listen to that music. You should park up there. You shouldn't drive that fast. You could change lanes now. You know, you really should do your Bible study. It's just endless.

The real thing that the Holy Spirit has used to trigger my thinking is, "Is this something a mother would say to a young child, or is this something corrective that a teacher would say to a student?" The Holy Spirit has been so faithful to cause me to stop in mid-sentence or with my mouth open, and I would stop and say, "Nevermind."

This has been a few weeks, it not been six weeks, and I'm just amazed at the change I'm seeing in my husband, who is very gentle and quiet and easy. He's not an extraverted exhorter. Does that answer your question.

Nancy: It does. Have you faced a situation yet where you didn't say anything and he is still doing something that you wish he wasn't, how do you handle that?

Maria: I go outside. I go in the bathroom and pray. I'll tell you, it just took a couple of times for the Lord to show me very quickly the difference in him because of the difference in me.

And the secondary thing the Lord is showing me is that so often He speaks to those under authority before He speaks to those in authority. What I was doing to my husband was not allowing him to be the leader. He is the leader because it is in a God-appointed position. And I was just usurping that all the time and just deflating his confidence. So it was a two- fold conviction there for me.

And about this very same time, (if you want another illustration about his leadership) our youngest son, my baby, had just gotten out of Marine boot camp. We were going in the gates at Camp Pendleton, and I noticed the car beside us got this really fancy salute . . and we just got waved in.

And I asked my son why we didn't get a fancy salute. And he said, "Mom, did you see that sticker in the lower corner of the front windshield."

And I said, "Yes, but that was a lady in civilian clothes."

He said, "It doesn't matter, Mom, it's an officer's vehicle."

So it reinforced what this message had been. You're saluting the position, regardless of who's in the uniform.

And that's where I had dishonored my husband. It's a God-appointed position of authority and honor regardless of who is in the uniform.

So as I started showing respect by ways of not interrupting, not adding to his story when he's talking, not correcting him in front of other people, then he began to feel validated and accepted as that leader and has just been acting like a leader, like I always wanted him to be. He is the leader but I was just usurping that.

Nancy: I challenged a woman who is in a difficult marriage a week or so ago, and it's interesting. In this case I had heard the husband's side of the story and based on what I had heard I had assumed that she was largely responsible for the problems in the marriage.

Then we sat down for a couple of hours one night to talk. I heard her side of the story and, if I'd only ever heard her side of the story, I would have assumed that he was responsible for most of the problems in the marriage.

I suppose that's not uncommon. But I wasn't talking to him and God didn't call me to set husbands straight. I was talking to her. I challenged her to a thirty-day commitment. I said, "I want to ask you to do two things for thirty days—one is negative, the other is positive. First of all for the next thirty days, you've got to commit yourself not to say one negative thing about your husband—not to him, not to anyone else about him, not to your mother, not to your children, not to your friends, not one negative thing about your husband." You should have seen her eyes.

She had gotten into a bad habit, which so many of us have in our homes, of picking on the things about her husband that bothered her. And I'm not saying there weren't things that would have bothered her, they probably would have bothered me. I'm not saying there were not problems. But she had come to the place where she could only see her husband through those glasses of failure. He couldn't do anything to please her.

And I knew enough about the situation to know that he had issues. She had issues. But there were qualities in both of them that were worth admiring. She'd lost sight of those, and maybe he had too. I can't speak for him.

So I said, "Thirty days, you can't say anything negative about your husband." She swallowed hard. She had come to the place where she really wanted God to change her. If she hadn't come to that place I don't think she could have received the suggestion. She had come to the place where she was willing to lay down her own program for changing her husband. She was desperate.

And I said, "Now here's the other part of the thirty-day challenge. Every day for the next thirty days you need to say something that you appreciate about your husband—say it to him, and say it to someone else about him."

Well, that was even more of a challenge in some ways because it had been a while since she'd been thinking that way. So everyday think of something you appreciate about him. I said, "If you can't think of thirty things, think of one thing and repeat it everyday for thirty days. And verbalize it to him. Tell him what you appreciate and tell someone else what you appreciate about him."

I said to her what I'm saying to you, "I can't make you any promises about what will happen to him in the next thirty days." But I could promise her, and I can promise you that you will be different in thirty days.

Why? Because you'll be seeing that man through eyes of love—the kind of love that never fails. According to God's Word, you can learn to love and there is that supernatural source of love that is within you if you're a child of God. And that means there's hope, hope as big and as brave as the love of God.

Love says, "What can I let God do in me that will meet the needs of and minister to this person that God has called me to love whether I get anything out of it or not?"

How can I be a giver in that relationship? I'm not going to point the finger anymore. I'm not going to sit here and wait for that other person to change. I'm going to let You change me. I'm going to let You love through me. I'm willing to be misunderstood. I'm willing to be wronged. Isn't that what Calvary is all about?

Look at 1 Peter chapter 2, the last paragraph. Jesus, the perfect, sinless Son of God did no sin. Neither was any deceit or guile found in His mouth. When He was wronged, when He was attacked, when He suffered, He threatened not. He didn't retaliate. He didn't take vengeance.

Instead, He just took our sin. He took the attack. He took the shame. He took the false accusations. The power in that passage is this: by His wounds—undeserved as they were—you were healed (see vv. 21–24).

There are men represented in this room who will never be spiritually healed unless there is a woman who's willing to love like Jesus. You don't have to love that way. You can stay selfish. You can stay proud. You can stay miserable. Or you can let Christ love through you.

Let Him fill you with His Spirit. Let Him give you a supernatural love for that man. You say, "Will he change?" I can't tell you that, but I can tell you that you will change.

Dannah: That’s Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, in a classic series called "The Power of Words." When Nancy recorded that program, the 30-Day Husband Encouragement challenge was relatively new. In the years that have followed, more and more women have taken this challenge. We regularly hear from women whose hearts have been changed by getting into the habit of saying one positive thing about their husbands each day.

We’ve made the challenge easy to follow. We’ll send you emails during the thirty days tocheer days to cheer you on and help you ponder Scriptures about the power of words. To sign up for the 30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge, visit ReviveOurHearts.com/challenges. 

Do you ever feel like if you don’t yell, you won’t be heard? Nancy will address that tomorrow and remind you about the power of kindness. Please be back for Revive Our Hearts.

This program is a listener-supported production of Revive Our Hearts in Niles, Michigan, calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

All Scripture is taken from the New King James Version. 

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