Hope When a Loved One’s Sin Turns Your World Upside Down, with Lori Apon

Lori Apon was living a picture-perfect life when a knock on the door brought her world crashing down. In this episode of Grounded, she shares what it looks like to hold fast to God’s Word when someone you care about is caught up in destructive sin. If you have been impacted by a loved one’s secret struggles, don’t miss this powerful interview. 

Connect with Lori

Instagram: @perspectiveministries
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PerspectiveMinistries1
Website: https://perspectiveministries.org/

Episode Notes

• The Apon Story video: https://perspectiveministries.org/the-apon-story/
• “Living in the Unshakable Victory of Christ, by Judy Dunagan” podcast series: https://www.reviveourhearts.com/podcast/revive-our-hearts/season/living-in-the-unshakable-victory-of-christ-by-judy/
• “Purposefooled, with Kelly Needham” podcast episode: https://www.reviveourhearts.com/podcast/revive-our-hearts/season/purposefooled-with-kelly-needham/
• Revive Our Hearts podcast: https://www.reviveourhearts.com/podcast/revive-our-hearts/

----------------

Portia Collins: Maybe it's a phone call. Maybe it's discovering something on your husband or your child's phone. Maybe it's a knock on the door by a police officer in uniform. Where can you turn when the sin of someone you love turns your world upside down? I'm Portia Collins, and you're watching Grounded.

Erin Davis: I'm Erin Davis. I just have a gut feeling that some woman watching or listening to this just stopped dead in her tracks because she thinks we're telling her story. 

Today's guest was living a picture-perfect life. She was married to a man in ministry, she had eight young children. And then she's the one that received that knock on the door, and it brought her world crashing down. It is a story unbelievably filled with a lot of hope, and a story that you are not going to want to miss.

Portia: Well, if you're like me, these kinds of episodes can make you feel a little jittery, a little fearful. No one wants to think about much less talk about what it would be like to find out that someone you love is living in deep sin.

Erin: Yeah, I think it's a little contagious, right?

Portia: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It's scary, for many of us. I'll be the first to admit that. But you know, here on Grounded, we are still handing out hope today. We've never come without hope, and the reminder that no matter what happens, when your identity is in Christ, you can weather any storm. 

Erin: Amen. 

Portia: Amen. I'm a witness to that. All right. So, that's what we're bringing in today. I'm ready for it. I hope you are too. But first, let me bring us some good news.

Erin: Yeah, we need some good news. Take it away, P. 

7:12 - Good News (with Portia Collins)

Portia: Well, we know that the Bible is truth. I know this is not exactly breaking news, especially for most of you who are watching us week after week. But don't you just love it when the headlines catch up to God's Word? 

Check this out. Archaeologists in Jordan have made a fascinating discovery: pottery that appeared to be melted by flash heat. And just for context, the effects look similar to what happens like when a nuclear bomb is detonated. And so, they find this pottery, and I know you're probably asking, what's the big deal about the pottery?

Well, the pottery was found on an archaeological site that matches the biblical description for Sodom and Gomorrah. Archaeologists have concluded that the buried city that they found was destroyed in the blink of an eye, just like God's Word describes it. Check out this headline, my guides are going to put it up: “Biblical City of Sodom Has Been Found” Archaeologist Says, “Wiped Out in the Blink of an Ey”’

Their word job, not mine. All right. And so, I just love it. I love it when the science supports what we already know to be true in God's Word. I have a hunch that today's guest is going to share that God's Word is true, even when it doesn't feel like it. 

Archaeologists have now proven, like I said, the science has caught up that God's word is true. 

So, you got evidence, y’all. Alright. Even when they haven't discovered the evidence yet. We know it's hard for us to deny biblical accounts. We know that God's judgment on Sodom and Gomorrah happened. But now we have actual archaeological evidence to support that. And guess what? I think that is some pretty good news, but also some pretty cool news.

Erin: Whether we see the evidence of it or not, which is a perfect segue into our interview today. After raising eight children, an empty nest was in sight. And that's when Lori Apon felt the call to launch perspective ministries, the goal of which is to meet the practical, emotional, and spiritual needs of the widow and fatherless children. That's just part of the story. Lori is here to tell the story behind the story. She's gonna tell us the part that began was so much heartache. Welcome to Grounded, Lori.

9:47 - Grounded with God's People (Lori Apon)

Lori Apon: I'm so honored to be here. Thank you.

Erin: Take us back to March 17 1999. You receive some devastating news. 

Lori: May.

Erin: Oh, was it me? Okay, take us back to May 1999. You got some devastating news. Can you tell us about that moment and what you learned?

Lori: Yes, I can. I received a knock on the door, like Portia just talked about. A police officer flashed my husband's driver's license in front of me and gave me the news that he had just taken his own life. And at that time, I had eight children under the age of ten. My oldest was ten, the youngest was 13 months old.

Erin: And were all of those eight children in the house with you when you receive that news?

Lori: Yes, they were.

Erin: I know, 1999 was a long time ago. But I still want you to know how sorry we are that you had to face that suicide that was really the culmination of a deep struggle in your husband Bobby's life. What did you know about his secret struggle with pornography and sex addiction at that time?

Lori: Erin, it was one of the first conversations he had with me when we met. He struggled with lust pornography, that he had attempted suicide when he was in the eighth grade. But as a lot of naive young girls are, it just kind of went over my head. I didn't really understand the bondage and how deep it was for him when he was telling me and he was honest with me. Really for the first all of our marriage, he cried out for help. He was very transparent with his struggle.

Erin: Well, I want to tread so carefully here because I want to help you honor your husband. But part of the story is that Bobby had been serving in very public Christian ministry—in the band New Song. As you look back at his life and your time with him, do you feel like he had a relationship with Jesus in that ministry that was genuine?

Lori: Oh, absolutely. Yes, I do.

Erin: I asked that question because my heart's beating fast for the women watching that are in that same boat. Their husband does love the Lord. There is evidence of that love, and he is serving the Lord and ministry. But then there's this sin pattern in his life. What would you say to the woman who's walking through it right now? There's that disconnect between the husband she knows loves the Lord and wants to serve Him and the husband who's in bondage. The word you used is really the right word.

Lori: First, I also want to say I'm deeply sorry. I'm sorry for your husband, and I'm sorry for you and your marriage and your children. The enemy is seeking to steal, kill, and destroy. That's John 10:10. But Jesus says, “I come to give life. I come to give life abundant.” Sin doesn't play around, the enemy does a play around. And so, we have to be careful with the choices that we make. 

He made some choices that took him on a downward spiral where he felt that he was out of control. He also listened to the lies of the enemy. He truly believed that once he committed the sin of unfaithfulness (this happened several times) that our family would be better off without him. And so that led him to make a choice that did cost him his life and left us as a widow and fatherless. And yet, God has been so faithful.

Erin: As you were saying that part of about what Bobby believed, that your family would be better off without him, a memory from my childhood came to mind. My dad left our family when I was ten. When I was about to marry my husband, I sat my dad down and said, “How could you do that? And how do I keep it from happening to me?” And he said, shaking his head with tears in his eyes, “I just convinced myself no one would get hurt.” Which sounds ludicrous. 

But you're right, the enemy is always whispering. I've often said many times also that the thing I hate most about my sin is that it puts shrapnel in the hearts of the people I love the most. How did Bobby’s struggle impact your own relationship with Jesus? What was it like during those years when he was wrestling so profoundly?

Lori: Well, Erin, I'm sorry that's part of your story as well. But I will say I truly clung to the Lord. The Lord called me to Himself when I was a young child and He was everything. In fact, we started our marriage together trusting God. That's why we have eight children. We wanted everything that we did to just glorify Him, and we wanted to trust Him. 

And so, as my husband was in this bondage and fighting it, we were both crying out to the Lord, for Him to set him free. We were desperate for God to intervene. It didn't turn out the way that I envisioned the answer to my prayer, but He is still faithful. I always say God is good, no matter what our perspective of good is. And so, I trusted that He was good, He was kind, and that this was going to be used to glorify Himself.

Erin: Those are bold statements in the face of what you endured and the situation you found yourself in. I don't want to linger too long. I love that you keep pulling this back to glorifying the Lord, as I knew you would do. But I do want you to take us back to those days and weeks after Bobby committed suicide. You are a widow with eight children under ten, was your identity rocked at that moment at all?

Lori: You know, I think we have opportunities for our identity to be rocked throughout our lives. That's why it's so important that we base our identity in Christ. One of the things that I held on to was that God wrote the story of my life. Before time began Psalm 139, verse 16, and I also knew in Ephesians, 2, verse 10, that He had a specific purpose, and then He created me to fulfill that purpose. 

So again, they were chaotic days, it was hard. I kept crying out, “Lord, really?” 

Erin, he lost his ministry when we had four children, because of a choice that he made that led him to be unfaithful in our marriage. And then four children later, he now is a worship pastor. It was in that evening service that Psalm 68:5 was quoted that says, “I am a defender of the widow, and a father to the fatherless.” I had all eight of my small children there beside me; my husband is leading worship. I remember thinking, That is so encouraging for all those women out there who do not have a husband and for all those children who do not have a father.

No idea that 24 hours later, that verse, that promise, that had planted that seed in my heart was going to be the anchor that we would hold on to, truly for the rest of our lives. It has been 24 years later, Erin, and I still every day, hold on to the verse and the promise that God is going to defend me, and he will be a father to my children. And I'll tell you, children grow into grief. 

And so, in the early days, they needed that promise. But they need that promise even now, as my sons have become husbands and fathers, my daughters have grown into their marriages. And so, it's my prayer that they constantly look to God as their Father.

Erin: Lori, so beautifully said. How remarkable that the Lord anchored your heart because He, of course, knew what was coming. Psalm 68:5, you do what we hope all Grounded women do, which is that you just use Scripture. I can tell that is the foundation of your life. I can think of lots of scenarios that someone listening to this might be impacted by the son of someone they love. It can be husbands in porn; we know that that is truly epidemic. 

It can be children who have become protocols and embrace this sinful lifestyle. It could be pastors that are making terrible choices. I mean, if I tried to make the list, it might become bottomless, but when a woman is loves somebody and they are entrenched in sin, and they're not having any victory over that sin, prayer you mentioned, where else can that woman turn when someone they love is just kind of burning their own life down through their sin?

Lori: If a woman has the sinner, her her husband, so when . . .

Erin: Someone she loves.

Lori: Yeah, someone she loves. Well, I would just say to that woman again, I'm sorry, it is not an easy journey at all. Sometimes my husband was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I didn't know which side we were going to be on. Was he following the path of sin? Was he listening to the lies of the enemy? Or was he crying out to me as my best friend, “Pray with me. Wake me up in the middle of the night, please, I'm being tormented.” 

And so, it was a very difficult journey to go through that I will say, there was a little bit of just weariness and growing tired, and yet still knowing we had to fight the battle. And again, when the outcome was not, as I had prayed, and not as my husband had prayed, he did make the choice, he gets to own that for sure. But we do fight spiritual battles. 

And so, I would encourage you women, that you are not fighting flesh and blood. You need support, you need encouragement, you need community, you need a community of faith. This is where you might want to isolate. I know, I didn't feel like I could tell many people what we were fighting with, because I didn't want anyone to turn me against my husband. 

I knew that was a temptation that. Often they would say, you have a biblical right to leave him, and I understand that Scripture. For me, the word was that God hated divorce. I loved my husband. I know this may sound crazy, but I would marry him again. I don't feel that I made a mistake. I trusted God, and I continue to trust God and again. He does work all things together for good for those who love Him. And precious woman out there. He has entrusted you with a hard story. And we see that throughout Scripture, but He will be faithful.

Erin: Amen. I'm gonna give you a moment to pray for those women for whom someone else's sin is impacting, in just a moment. But one of the things I love about your story, and I love about the way God works, is He's turned this mess into a message, which He does. That's part of His redemption. You later launched Perspective Ministries, and some of the things you just said are the pillars of that ministry. The pillars you encourage widows and orphans to build their lives on. “Perspective” is one of our favorite words here on Grounded. We come here to point each other to the perspective only found in God's Word. So, tell us about the work of Perspectives Ministries.

Lori: Well, Erin, it's crazy. At two years in, it was a public story at the time, so I was getting opportunities to share the story. I can remember standing in the kitchen, and the Lord said, “Your top priority is to raise your children.” And so that's what I did. 

And then as I was seeing that I was going to enter into what we think is never going to happen, and that is empty nest, t the Lord called me to remain a widow. Two weeks in, I feel like He said, “This is your calling. I want you to remain a widow.” And so, when I saw that, wow, I am going to be empty nester, I just knew I wanted to give the next season of my life to come alongside other women who have been left alone. And that's actually the definition of a widow. It's any woman who is bereft of a husband. That can be by death, it also is by divorce or desertion. 

And so, Perspective Ministries is the name of this mission, because it was the perspective and the focus on the promise of God that helped me and allowed me to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. So, we meet practical, emotional, spiritual needs of the widow and fatherless. But the whole purpose is to encourage women and children to put their trust in God.

Erin: It's a beautiful mission. It's God's mission, where the widow verses speak to you out of Scripture, Lori, the fatherless verses have been speaking to me for 30 years. And they're true. God's heart for those of us who are abandoned by the men who are supposed to stick with us is really obvious. 

So, I'm so grateful for the work you're doing in the kingdom. Every woman listening has a woman in her church that fits this description and who needs to know God loves them. Thank you for that. Would you as we're wrapping up this conversation, would you pray for the woman listening, who has her life has been turned upside down by the sin of someone else. Would you just pray for her heart this morning?

Lori: Yes, I will. And I want you to share your story on raising fatherless kids at some point, but moms are precious. That's what I want you to hear today. And that's what I'm going to pray for you is that you are that you are seen and you're loved by God and how deep He cares for you. 

So, Father, I come to You right now in Jesus’ name. I just ask you to let the women who are listening now whether they're in their car, or maybe they've just discovered some shocking news about their husband—whether it's that he has taken his life or maybe they've gone on his computer and they've discovered some things that was one of their greatest fears. Lord, maybe they have small children. Maybe they've been left pregnant. Lord, they're scared, and they want to hold on to hope. They want to believe that Your promises are true. I pray Father that You would meet them today, maybe just the fact that they turned on this podcast, they tuned into this videocast, and the timing is not a coincidence. It is a reminder that You are with them. You are the God who sees. 

And so Lord, I pray for these women. They don't know where to turn. They're making decisions that they don't know how to make. They need to know that You are there. I thank You, Father, that you do promise to be a defender of the widow.

So, if they need Your defense, Lord, whether it's defending them against the lies that Satan is planning in their hearts, defending them against whatever we know that You say, You are our defender. 

Lord, one of their greatest questions is, will my children be okay? They hear all the statistics that are not positive against children who do not have earthly dad. But I believe that Your Word teaches differently. 

Lord, You step in when the earthly father is gone, and You promise that You will be a Father to the fatherless, Lord. That's a simple sounding verse with an eternal impact on their lives. I pray that they will choose today to turn their perspective to You, Father, that they would turn their children to You, that they would feel the loss of the dad, and then they would turn the hearts of their children to the gain that we have with God as Father.

I pray Father for these women, for most if they don't have a personal saving relationship with You that You would use this trial, that You would draw them in their suffering, to look at their faith, Lord, and that You would make Yourself known to them. I pray that they would know that they are precious, that You deeply love them, and You care for them, and You will be faithful. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Erin: Man, what a beautiful prayer. I know there are some women that are going to write to us and say that prayer was just for them. That's the Holy Spirit's work. Thank you so much. You know, God's grace is all over you. God's mercy is all over you. His love is all over you. I can feel it through our screens. Thank you for walking with Him. Where can people find out more about your ministry, Lori?

Lori: PerspectiveMinistries.org. And again, I have a podcast called Help on Raising Fatherless Kids. And all that is bringing men and women on to tell their story of God's faithfulness and to give a little help to you moms because you had been entrusted with a really hard responsibility, but you're gonna make it through. And with God, I do believe your children are going to be okay. So, reach out. I'd love to meet you.

Erin: One beautiful thing that's on that site is a video that shows Lori's children now as adults. They are testifying to His goodness in their lives. 

So, if your kids have shrapnel in their hearts from the sins of somebody else, I would encourage you to go find that video. It's gonna give you a vision for what God can do in their lives. Thanks again. Lori, what a great conversation.

Lori: Thank you. Thank you. The Lord bless you.

Erin: You too. Portia. I've been hearing you amening in my ear. I'm so glad that you have been. We've been in God's Word. Lori was among our favorites. What do our favorite guests do, which is that she just speaks God's Word over us but keeps us grounded where we turn into today?

29:33 - Grounded in God's Word (with Portia Collins)

Portia: Well, pick up those Bibles. We are going to the book of Matthew. And we add this is a passage of scripture that just kind of hits you right here in the heart. All right, so going to Matthew 15. We're going to pick up at verse 21. It says,

When Jesus left there, he withdrew to the area of Tyre and Sidon. Just then a Canaanite woman from that region came and kept crying out,“Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David! My daughter is severely tormented by a demon.”

Jesus did not say a word to her. His disciples approached him and urged him, “Send her away because she’s crying out after us.”

He replied, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel.”

But she came, knelt before him, and said, “Lord, help me!”

He answered, “It isn’t right to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs.”

“Yes, Lord,” she said, “yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters’ table.”

Then Jesus replied to her, “Woman, your faith is great. Let it be done for you as you want.” And from that moment her daughter was healed.

So, here we see first that Jesus withdrew to the area of Tyre and Sidon. Right? These were regions that were about 50 miles outside of Jewish territory. Now this is important, keep that in your mind, because here is where he encounters a Canaanite woman. 

Now, this basically means that she was a person of non-Jewish descent. And what are the implications of that she was likely not familiar with the Torah. She was not familiar with the practicing of Jewish feasts or festivals are all the things that God had done to make Himself known and to have relationship with His people, the Israelites. That would have been completely foreign to her. She was more than likely reared in a non-believing environment. 

Yet somehow, she hears about Jesus, and not just in a roundabout way, but she hears about Him in relation to being the son of David, the Promised Messiah. And she approaches Jesus for help showing her faith in Him as the Son of David. Then she asked for mercy and healing for her demon possessed daughter, once again demonstrating her faith. Now, if Jesus remained silent, then He stated that His primary mission was to the lost sheep of the house of Israel. But in spite of this response, because some of us probably would have gotten that response, and we're turning and walking in the other direction. But despite this response, the woman continued to plead with Jesus, showing her determination and deep trust in His power to heal. 

Now, Jesus initially likened giving help to her as an equivalent to giving children's bread to the dogs. I think this sheds light a little bit on the cultural perspective of this time. She was outside of the people of Israel. And instead of her taking Jesus's response, she responds with humility and faith again. She states that even dogs eat the crumbs from their master’s table. 

Her words here are all the more profound, because even as a Canaanite woman, who'd likely learn nothing about the God of Israel in her upbringing, her response here communicates a deep understanding of grace and mercy and faith. 

And in response, Jesus commended her, stating your faith is great. He grants her request to heal her daughter. He shows His compassion and honestly. He recognizes her sincere faith. 

Now, this passage underscores the importance of persistent faith and humility and how we should continue to look to Jesus as the merciful and sovereign Lord of our lives. 

Now, I'm grateful to teach through this passage of Scripture because I totally love sharing God's Word with my Grounded sisters. But I'm even more so grateful with how God has used this passage to minister to me in this season of life. This is one of those messages where I'm saying, “Yeah, Lord, this one is for me.” 

For several years, my world has been rocked by the sound of loved ones that are very close to me. about a year ago, my baby sister began a pretty lengthy prison sentence. And this story is full of twists and turns that I don't have time to share. But at the heart of the situation is a true need for Jesus to deliver my sister. I've been praying for my sister, actually, both of my sisters who are both wayward. I've been praying for them for a very long time. And there's a lot that has happened in their lives, that has affected our family. 

You know, sin never just impacts one person, just like Erin says. It puts that shrapnel into the hearts of people around us. It has a rippling effect that hits everything around. I have prayed and cried and cried and prayed. And if I'm being honest, it feels like it has been years of unanswered prayers that will seemingly go forever unanswered. 

So needless to say, the faith and the persistence of this Canaanite woman is both encouraging and convicting. For me, as I examine this passage of Scripture, there are a few takeaways that I think I'm benefiting from. But I think we all can benefit from the first here: prayer. Like the Canaanite woman, we should not lose heart when our prayers seem to go unanswered. Persistence in prayer demonstrates our faith and trust in God's timing and power. 

The second thing that we see here is humility. This woman recognizes her unworthiness. And yet, she believed in Jesus' mercy anyway. This serves as a reminder to us to approach God with a humble heart, acknowledging our need, our sincere need for His grace and His mercy.

That leads me to the third thing, grace—the grace and mercy. I call them the twins. The grace and mercy of Jesus is not reserved for the special people, not just for the special people. You know, the people, the church, the rich, the socially upstanding. God's grace is available for the needy, the broken, the people outside of the special circle. 

And the last one faith, this woman's great faith led to her daughter's healing, her persistent faith, and our faith expressed in our words and through our actions, can also lead to miraculous outcomes. 

I don't know how your world may be getting rocked or has been rocked by the sin of someone close to you. I don't know how many tears you've cried or prayers you’ve prayed. But here's what I do know. You right now today have an open invitation to keep praying and believing and trusting Jesus with all persistence. The Lord welcomes us. He welcomes us to come to Him in humility, praying, and seeking His grace—and not just for ourselves, but for others, our spouses, our children, our siblings, our church, family, our neighbors, even the folks that we may strike up conversations with at the store. 

We all have a great need for Jesus. And just like the Canaanite woman, may we have great faith to believe Jesus to trust Him as the Son of David, the Promised Messiah, the One who heals not just the body, but heals are so. Amen.

Erin: Amen. Thank you for teaching us from that passage. That's a difficult passage. It's difficult to understand what Jesus was doing there. But I'm sure I don't understand it all. But I'd rather have the crumbs at Jesus' table than the feast anywhere else and the feast anywhere else won't satisfy. 

So, I heard you telling us to admit our need and keep praying. Yes, I want to pick up that mantle. So, thank you so much. 

While we're wrapping up this episode, it's almost time for us to say goodbye for this week. But we always want to remind you that Grounded is just the beginning of the conversation. We are equipping you to go deeper in these things that we've been talking about. And if this idea of your identity being rattled or shaken by something that someone else has done has struck a chord with you, there are a tremendous number of resources that we can point you to whether it's devastating news or just to change in life seasons. It is so easy for each of us to forget that our identity comes from Christ. 

The Revive Our Hearts podcast is loaded with episodes to keep you grounded in Him. This month episodes like “Living in the Unshakable Victory of Christ” with Judy Dunagan, we just had her on Grounded episodes about our purpose and what God really says about our purpose with Kelly Needham, a voice we love here on Grounded. And later this month on July 28, there's an episode called “A Secure Identity” with Amanda, Kassian and another Grounded guest.

In fact, everybody on this list is a past Grounded guest, and they're all deeply rooted in their identity in Christ. So, if you feel like, “Yeah, that's me.” For whatever reason, my identity has been shaken in this season, we want to point you to the Revive Our Hearts podcast this month. If you don't already have the Revive Our Hearts app, let me encourage you to download that today, then you're just gonna get those podcasts automatically in the app, or you go to ReviveOurHearts.com and subscribe to the daily broadcast. 

And again, those are going to be delivered to you. So, anybody with identity hiccups, which I think maybe all of us if we're honest, you're not going to want to miss an episode of Revive Our Hearts this month. And so, we wanted to point you there. What a great, great episode, Portia. 

Portia: Yeah it was great, I needed it. 

Erin: It was sobering,

Portia: Yes. 

Erin: But also hope filled. 

Portia: Yes, I needed it. I needed it. This one was for me today.

Erin: Well, we are going to continue this identity conversation next week, we will have Professor Heather Holman with us. And she is going to explain to us what it means to be seated with Christ and how that impacts our identity in all seasons of life. So, another great episode, I'm sure of it. You don't want to miss it. Let's wake up together with hope next week on Grounded.

Portia: Grounded audio is powered by Skype. Grounded is a production of Revive Our Hearts calling women to freedom, fullness, and fruitfulness in Christ.

*Offers available only during the broadcast of the podcast season.