You Are Not Your Relational Status

Most of us would never say out loud, “My worth depends on whether someone loves me.” But we tend to live as if that’s true. Often our life experiences and even subtle messages in the faith communities reinforce the belief that who we are is rooted in our relationships.

Being in a romantic relationship that is going well can make us feel steady and confident. When there is distance, rejection, or conflict, we instead feel anxious, ashamed, or invisible. Something inside us starts to whisper, If I were more lovable, this wouldn’t be happening. 

Maybe you feel this way as a single or divorced woman. You might wonder why you are single—and whether your relationship status has something to do with your worth as a person.

Without realizing it, it is easy to look to relationships to answer identity questions they were never meant to answer: Am I lovable? Do I matter? Am I enough?

And when that happens, love doesn’t just become something we give or receive—it becomes something we must have in order to feel okay about ourselves.

Today, we’re going to look at what happens when our identity gets wrapped around relationships and how God offers us something far more secure than being chosen by another person.

This identity trap is a tricky one because we really do need relationships. Well-known research has consistently documented that infants can have all the food they require, but without physical touch and emotional connection, they cannot thrive physically or mentally. Our need for human connection doesn’t disappear as we get older, either.

We were created for intimacy—not only with God but also with other people. Needing connection is not weakness; it’s part of being human.

The problem isn’t that we need relationships. The problem is when we ask relationships to give us what only God can.

God often uses healthy people in our lives to bring about healing and growth. However, it’s a problem when relationships move from being a gift that reflects God to becoming our only lifeline—and eventually, the core of our identity. This can happen in any kind of relationship, including dating, friendship, and unhealthy family attachments.

Equating Your Need for Intimacy with a Need for Romance (or Sex) 

While every single one of us needs relationships, we don’t need sex, romance, or marriage to be complete as humans. These represent unique forms of intimacy. The Bible tells us that God created sex, marriage, and romance (see Song of Solomon). However, the Bible does not say that any of these things are essential for a human to be mature or complete. In fact, Paul, who was single, writes that it may even be better for a single person than for those who get married! (See 1 Cor. 7:7–9, 32–35.) Jesus—who is our greatest example of a complete person—wasn’t married. 

Unfortunately, the unspoken (and sometimes spoken) message you might hear from the church can reinforce the wrong perspective on marriage. While we are told to honor marriage, we have to be careful not to idolize it.

Marriage, romance, and sex are good things, but should never become god things—essential for you to feel like a whole person. When you put your hope in being “someone’s someone,” you may find yourself compromising your values or end up on a perpetual roller coaster of insecurity based on your romantic status.

Equating Your Need for Intimacy with Needing a Certain Person 

While we absolutely need to be in healthy relationships with other people, we can also fall into a toxic trap when we put all of our worth on one person. This could be your boyfriend or even your best friend. Codependency involves needing someone else to feel stable, valuable, or secure.

The second of the Ten Commandments says, “You shall have no other gods before me” (Ex. 20:3). Jesus clarified that this includes our closest relationships: “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matt. 10:37).

While we are to love people deeply (Jesus certainly did!), we have to be careful never to elevate another person to be our sense of value and purpose. How do you know if your dating relationship or friendship is unhealthy? If we are honest, we will recognize that none of our relationships are perfectly healthy. When I look back on many of my relationships, I can see elements of unhealthy dependency. The goal is not perfection but awareness and movement toward health.

Here are a few questions that can help you assess whether a relationship or friendship is too central to your identity:

• What happens when the other person starts to pull away? While it’s normal to feel sad or wonder why this is happening, if you feel a sense of panic, that’s a red flag. You might ask, “What fear is this triggering in me?”
• Can you listen to concerns other people may have about your relationship?
• Do you ever feel inappropriately jealous when the other person spends time with other people?
• Do you find yourself compromising your values or boundaries to keep the other person happy?

Relationships are a beautiful gift from God—but they were never meant to carry the weight of your identity.

No relationship can bear that burden. Not dating. Not marriage. Not even the most loving friendship. When we ask another person to tell us who we are, we place a weight on them they were never designed to carry.

God does not leave us alone in our need for intimacy. In Christ, you are already fully seen, fully known, and fully loved. You are not waiting to be chosen—you already are. Your worth does not change based on your relationship status. Recognizing your value through faith is an ongoing process that develops throughout your spiritual journey.

As you reflect today, ask God to show you where your identity has become tangled with relationships, and invite Him to become the secure center of your love and belonging.

This post is an excerpt from Sex and the Single Girl by Juli Slattery (©2017, 2026). Published by Moody Publishers. Used by permission.