“Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:27
I have a close friend who, after thirteen years of marriage, was facing a painful divorce. His days were filled with lawyer meetings and the inevitable hassle of deciding what stuff was whose. Right in the middle of this turmoil, his six-year-old daughter began to have wetting-her-pants accidents. They started at night, but eventually, they happened at all times of the day.
My frustrated friend challenged his girl’s “unacceptable” behavior. He tried everything he could—punishment and rewards for her, books and experts on the subject for him—but no luck.
Finally, after he had had enough of this foolishness, he picked up his girl, walked to an overstuffed chair in the living room, and sat down. With all he was going through, a defiant—and inappropriately wetting—child was the last thing he needed. He held her in his arms for a few quiet minutes, then broke the silence with a question: “Do you know how frustrated I am with you, Carrie? I’ve tried everything to get you to stop wetting your pants, but you just continue.”
Carrie began crying softly but said nothing.
“You’re six years old. It’s been a long time since you learned how to use the bathroom.” Carrie’s dad’s anger and disappointment were clearly showing through his words. “You’re a big girl. Big girls don’t wet their pants. Babies wet their pants.”
Carrie sat there, cuddled on her father’s lap, surrounded by his strong arms. She finally spoke without looking up. “Yes, and daddies hold their babies, don’t they?” His daughter’s words found my friend’s heart like a smart bomb. The breaking up of his marriage and the alienation from his wife had made an unmistakable impact on his child. The cascading emotions at their house had found root in her heart. She was afraid.
If you’re married, you know that you should want to love your wife. If you do, then you must love God more. If you want to love your kids, you must love their mom more. If you want to love “down,” you have to be successful at loving “up.”
Many years ago, during a particularly challenging time of dealing with our newborn baby’s medical problems, I received a card from a close friend. After a few encouraging words, he wrote something I’ll never forget: “Don’t forget that the most important thing you can do to be the dad Julie is going to need is to never stop loving her mother.”
The words hit me like a left hook. Somehow in the middle of all this uncertainty and pain, I had forgotten to keep my love for Bobbie on the front burner. If I wanted to be effective in loving Julie, I had to first love her mother, loving “down” by loving “up.”
The words from today’s text seem harsh—even brutal. “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, and even his own life—he cannot be my disciple” (v. 26). Actually, these words make a great deal of sense.
So here it is again. The best way—the only way—to love “down” is to first love “up.” Love your children by loving your wife. Love your wife by loving yourself. Love yourself by loving your Creator. Jesus’s words are logical and right. They are perfectly reasonable. Ask six-year-old Carrie.