For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment. —2 Timothy 1:7
I think I’ve figured out how families are supposed to work. I haven’t checked with any psychologists or therapists, but I don’t think I need to. I’m sure of this one.
In 1996, my first book, She Calls Me Daddy, was published. During the months while I was actively promoting the book, I was the “expert” on lots of live call-in shows. After a dozen shows, I saw a pattern emerge. While the book was for dads of daughters, I found myself consistently speaking with grown women. They were thanking me for writing a book for dads and telling me that their relationship to their dad—good or bad—continued to be the most important relationship in their lives, even though by now they were married and had kids of their own.
So I looked back on my own life. Who taught me about the love of Jesus and how to live for Him? Who motivated me to want to be the man God wanted me to be? Easy questions to answer: my mother did all these things. My dad taught me a lot of the how-tos of life, but my mother poured on the encouragement. “You can do it,” I can still hear her say. “I know you can.”
Reread what the apostle Paul wrote to Timothy. “I recall your sincere faith . . . [that] now . . . is in you also” (v. 5). And where did Timothy get this “faith”? From his “grandmother Lois” and “[his] mother Eunice.” This is amazing to me but confirms my theory. Timothy, the man whom the great apostle called “my dearly loved son” (v. 2) got his convictions from the women in his life.
Because of the way God made us, we are naturally drawn, even at an early age, to the affection and advocacy of the opposite sex. Today, if you’re married, this comes from our spouse, but when we were small, it was probably our mother. We counted on this compassion from our moms and so do our sons. Your wife looked to her daddy for tenderness and assurance. Our daughters look to us.
But what about the men who didn’t have such a mother? And what about men whose wives didn’t have that kind of father? Believe it or not, Paul had something to say to us about this. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment” (v. 7). Neither you nor your wife have any control over your families’ pasts. But Paul is challenging us to dare to break this cycle if it needs to be broken. “Don’t be shy,” he said. “Take hold of God’s power.”
Then he gives us the clue as to what it will take: “love and sound judgment” (v. 7). If your wife didn’t have a daddy who loved her, then you love your wife and be willing to give your life for her (Eph 5:22–6:4). If you didn’t have a mother who poured affirmation on you, then you dig down and ask the Holy Spirit to give you the fruit of self-discipline to be tender to your daughter.
So there you have it, a strategy for making your family work, specific instructions on how to do it, and the power to pull it off. Isn’t this awesome? Don’t you just love this Book?