When a Gift Becomes an Idol

“In some [countries], the most common number for children born to each woman is zero.”¹ 

Zero. That number shocked me. While the falling birthrate is hardly “new news,” this statistic got the wheels in my head turning. After all, Scripture says that staying single is a good thing (1 Cor. 7), yet the first commandment in the Bible is that humanity “be fruitful, multiply” (Gen. 1:28). How do those two things work together? 

It’s no secret that it has become common—applauded even—to remain single (though not celibate), at least through your twenties. Is that okay for Christian singles, so long as they remain morally chaste? If singleness is a gift, then why pursue marriage? On the other hand, if we are supposed to “fill the earth,” then why willfully remain single? 

Before I dive into what can be not only a debated topic but also one that presses on a very sensitive area, let me share a bit of my story. I know exactly what it’s like to stay single longer than everyone else (or at least that’s how it felt). I understand being “always the bridesmaid and never the bride.” I didn’t get married until I was 32 years old, so for ten years after college, I wondered if I’d ever meet the right guy. I prayed about meeting him and felt the ache of that unfulfilled desire. 

If that’s you, please don’t feel targeted by this post. I have lived your story, and I don’t want to pour lemon juice on your paper cut. However, our culture is in the midst of a shift in which marriage (and parenthood) is seen as optional, undesirable, and an obstacle to fulfilling your life’s dreams. It’s to this latter camp that I’m attempting to speak. Though I make no claim to be the expert on these questions, I want to open the conversation. So indulge me, if you will, as I do a little thinking through writing. 

Better to be Single 

I say to the unmarried and to widows: It is good for them if they remain as I am. (1 Corinthians 7:8)

There it is. Paul tells the Corinthians that it is good to stay single. Of course, he goes on to give the occasion for marriage in the very next verse. But that has nothing to do with “settling down” after some good old-fashioned sowing of wild oats. Marriage, Paul says, is for those who are so in love that they “burn with desire” for one another (v. 9). The question is, then, why is singleness such a good thing in Paul’s eyes? For that answer, we must scroll down toward the end of the chapter.

I want you to be without concerns. The unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord. But the married man is concerned about the things of the world—how he may please his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:32–33)

Singleness, according to Paul, is the gift (v. 7) of being unattached in a way that allows for an unfettered focus on ministry. Paul’s bachelor status gave him great latitude in ministry. His life was constantly in danger as he preached the gospel, and he didn’t have to worry about leaving a widow behind to fend for herself or children without a father. He didn’t have to shirk any familial duties in the name of ministry. He didn’t have to balance ministry and family priorities, a reality he saw as a great and desirable benefit.

The Snare of the World

However, just as Aaron took the gold from the Egyptians and fashioned it into the golden calf, so our enemy masterfully perverts God’s good gifts into pernicious idols. The gift of singleness is no exception. While singleness was once looked down upon as inferior to marriage (a perversion of Scripture all its own), now the script has flipped and singleness has risen to preferred status. Rather than using the freedom it allows for the glory of God, self sets up its throne in the heart and insists upon ruling as king of the castle. It demands that the kingdom of self be built, the pleasures of the flesh be pursued, and the treasures of earth be amassed. 

In an age when autonomy and independence have ascended as twin lords, of course singleness is preferable. Without kids or a spouse to drain your energy and income or distract you from your focus and goals, the single person can freely explore their “true self.” Pursuing marriage and family and forfeiting a double income to stay home with young children—once considered the normal course of life—have become countercultural acts of rebellion. 

Stop and Evaluate

With those thoughts in mind, let’s turn to some questions for evaluation. For those who are married, these questions may propel a conversation with a single adult who seems to have no interest in marriage. For those who are single, I’m certainly not condemning or impugning you for your singleness. After all, as Paul said, it can be a great gift. 

However, given the trajectory of our culture, it would be foolish not to pause and evaluate our hearts. Though you might long for marriage (as I did), the toxins of the world may still have seeped into your singleness. It’s always healthy to pause and do a little evaluative work.

1. How do you view marriage?

As always, ditches lurk on either side of the road, making marriage into an idyllic fairy tale that it was never meant to be or considering it to be a dungeon master, set on keeping you shackled for the rest of your life. Or maybe you see it more like an athlete’s contract: something you can ride out for a few years before demanding a trade or becoming a free agent. Of course, none of these line up with the beautiful picture of the gospel that marriage is intended to paint (Eph. 5:22–33).

2. What’s stopping you from pursuing marriage?

Do you have a bucket list of things you want to do before “settling down”? A certain figure you must see in your bank account? A status at work you want to achieve? Or are you so busy for the kingdom of God that you just can’t pursue marriage right now? Not pursuing marriage is certainly no sin in and of itself (don’t forget about Paul), but as with anything, we must consider the heart behind that desire (Prov. 4:23).

3. How are you leveraging your singleness for God’s glory?

If singleness is preferable because of the opportunities it provides for ministry, how are you doing at taking those opportunities? You have more expendable time, energy, and income. Are you spending it on your kingdom or Christ’s?

4. How are you allowing singleness to feed your selfishness?

Even if you are busy leveraging your singleness for God’s glory, I promise that selfishness has crept into your life somewhere, particularly if you live alone. (After living like this for ten years, I know how it is.) You get to pick what to eat, what to watch, when to get up, when to go to bed, when to go out, and when to stay in. It’s pretty much all up to you. 

So take a minute and consider where selfishness has seeped in. You may not be able to do anything to change your circumstances, but how can you fight against it? If you’re not sure how, have a talk with a trusted, wise friend and brainstorm together strategies for pursuing others-mindedness.
 

5.  How have you allowed the world to influence your view of marriage?

From social media to books to movies to television, we constantly breathe in the air of a worldly view of marriage at every turn. We don’t have to try to imbibe it; it just happens. 

So where do you see that influence coming from, and how will you fight against it? Do you have a mentor with whom you could talk about marriage? Have you done a study of what the Bible has to say on the topic? The enemy is full-speed ahead in his attack on marriage; if we try to remain in neutral, we will surely fall prey to his barrage. 

I used to view singleness as the “gift” that nobody wants, and I know that some of you are grappling with the unfulfilled desire for marriage. However, today singleness is often viewed as the gift that people want for all the wrong reasons. If you’re single, steward that gift well. Use your “extras” to the glory of God, and don’t buy into the lies of Satan or allow what is meant to be a great gift of freedom to turn into a self-exalting idol. Instead, seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. The rest, as the Savior says, will take care of itself (Matt. 6:33).

¹ John Burn-Murdoch, “Why Birth Rates Are Falling Everywhere All at Once,” Financial Times, May 28, 2026, www.ft.com/content/fba35eca-df3a-4ad6-b42d-eb08eb7c9ad3.