Can you keep a secret? As I write these words, two of my dearest friends are hours away from the dreamiest of wedding proposals. Weeks of plotting and planning are about to unfold into a four-word question: “Will you marry me?” And a one-word answer: “Yes.”
The moment will be captured and treasured—not just for their own memories, but to send to friends and family and perhaps one day to frame on the walls of their first home—a home where, Lord willing, children will race down the hallway and grow up hearing the story of how it all began.
Of course, their story doesn’t begin with the proposal itself. Behind the bent knee and the joyful but weighty yes were hundreds more “Yes, Lord!” moments—unseen acts of trust and small steps of faith in the sovereign God who writes the very best stories.
Before You Become a Bridesmaid
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every marriage began that way? As I’ve watched waves of friends get married over the last fifteen years, I’ve attended wedding ceremonies that shared many of the same elements, yet no two have been exactly alike. Each has been beautiful on the surface—brimming with flowers and soft music and carefully chosen participants. But not all have reflected the reality that a wedding isn’t merely a celebration; it is a covenant made before God.
You may know what it feels like to watch the doors swing open at the back of the church as a bride walks down the aisle toward a future filled with problems that perhaps could have been avoided. You may have even stood beside her, holding her bouquet and regretting the moments you held your tongue about the relationship’s red flags when you still had the chance to speak.
We often think of a bridesmaid’s role as hosting showers, planning parties, and stepping forward with a well-timed tissue on the wedding day. But a bridesmaid is also a witness to the covenant. Involvement in something so sacred carries a responsibility that begins long before the vows are spoken—when the relationship is still forming and the future is still being shaped.
The stakes are too high to be a friend who doesn’t bear witness early, because hearts don’t stay unattached for long. There’s a reason romantic relationships are described by a whole host of clichés: head over heels, swept off your feet, carried away. Even the most levelheaded, godly women can make questionable decisions when it comes to their dating relationships.
In her book, Sex and the Single Girl, Dr. Juli Slattery writes,
Living by wisdom keeps us from harm and leads to God’s blessing. Pretty simple concept, right? Unfortunately, most of us don’t live by principles of wisdom. The average intelligent, educated Christian woman makes choices that fly in the face of wisdom—particularly related to her sexuality.1
The Bible’s wisdom literature emphasizes the importance of community for a reason. Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans fail when there is no counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” God, in His kindness, allows our friends to see what we might otherwise miss, and true friends remind each other of what is true when our feelings seem far more convincing. Where there is an abundance of counsel, there is safety (Prov. 11:14).
Our friendships need more than good intentions. They need to be grounded in wisdom—not merely good advice, but the kind of biblical guidance that is strengthened and clarified in community. Because when it comes to dating, or even to developing romantic feelings for someone in our lives, it’s easy to . . .
- Want a specific relationship to work more than we want God’s will.
- Minimize misalignment in values, faith, or priorities.
- Think we’re the exception to patterns we’ve seen.
- Date “potential,” hoping someone will eventually grow into loving Christ.
- Value chemistry over character.
- Care more about not losing the relationship than honoring the Lord.
- Settle for being spiritually respected instead of being spiritually led.
- Excuse red flags or sin in the name of grace or patience.
- Keep moving forward because we’ve already invested time.
- Ignore our own discernment to avoid starting over.
- Delay obedience because it threatens something we don’t want to lose.
Rarely does any of this feel reckless in the moment, which is exactly why we need each other to give clear vision when love is blind.
That doesn’t mean the conversations are easy. It’s far easier to affirm a friend’s feelings or choose words that feel supportive without risking tension. But Proverbs 27:9 says, “The sweetness of a friend is better than self-counsel.” In other words, “A friend’s earnest counsel is as sweet or pleasant as the fragrance emanating from perfume and incense. Genuine advice shows that a person cares.”2
And Proverbs 27:6 says, “The wounds of a friend are trustworthy, but the kisses of an enemy are excessive.” An enemy, literally “one who hates,” may appear to be a friend because she doesn’t offer criticism or rebuke. Yet, ironically, a true friend is more loving because she is willing to offer wise correction, even if it stings in the moment or isn’t what the other person wants to hear. That’s why I’ve stopped using these three statements with my single friends:
1. “I just want you to be happy.”
This phrase stuck out to me a few weeks ago as I was watching a reality show. Each engaged couple had known one another for only a few days, yet instead of asking questions or offering their genuine feedback, their families smiled and told them, “We just want you to be happy.”
By the time the credits rolled, I was talking back to the screen asking, “That’s IT? Don’t you have questions? Concerns? Anything?”
It sounded loving, but I’m not sure those families wanted the couples to be happy as much as they wanted to avoid risking tension, disagreement, or the risk of being seen as unsupportive in that moment. It’s an easy comment to make because it asks nothing of anyone. We tend to say the same phrase when we’re skeptical but afraid to push someone away, or when we’re holding back our true opinion to keep the peace.
Scripture reminds us that “there is a way that seems right to a person, but its end is the way to death” (Prov. 14:12). The verse appears twice (see also Proverbs 16:25) as a means of emphasis. We can’t say, “I just want you to be happy,” to a friend who is dating an unbeliever, knowing that she’s heading down a road filled with loneliness and spiritual compromise. Nor can we say, “I just want you to be happy,” when a friend brushes aside patterns of anger, addiction, or unhealthy behavior simply because we don’t want to dampen her excitement.
When we care about our friends, we do desperately want them to be happy. And it’s because we want them to experience the deepest joy possible in this life that we refuse to allow them to make their momentary feelings their measuring stick. Scripture calls us to something deeper—not because God is opposed to our happiness, but because He is the source of it. Often the problem isn’t that our friend’s vision of happiness is too big; it’s that it’s far too small, settling for what feels good now instead of what will truly be good in the long run.
So don’t stop desiring for your friends to be happy. Pray for it. Hope for it. Fight for them to experience head-over-heels, can’t-stop-smiling joy—but not at the expense of wisdom. Not apart from obedience. Because the kind of happiness worth building a life on isn’t found in what merely feels right, but in the One who defines what is.
2. “You deserve someone amazing.”
If you made a list of all the godly single women in your life, you’d likely need more than one piece of paper. The church is filled with women of all decades who are beautiful, faithful, funny, and thoughtful. It’s easy to look at them and think, She deserves an incredible relationship.
It sounds encouraging, and it feels kind. But what do we mean by “deserves”?
When Scripture describes the women who received some of God’s sweetest gifts, it never frames those blessings as something they had earned. We don’t read that Ruth deserved Boaz, or that Hannah deserved a child after years of longing, or that Mary deserved to carry the Savior. Throughout the Bible, the language doesn’t point us to “deserving” but to grace. God’s gifts are freely given by a Father who is kind beyond measure—not distributed according to merit.
That matters because when we tell a friend, “You deserve someone amazing,” we may unintentionally anchor her hope in the idea that if she’s qualified enough or patient enough, then the outcome she longs for will eventually be owed to her. But life doesn’t always unfold that way, and God’s goodness is not transactional.
Even more, Scripture speaks of singleness not as a problem to be solved but as its own gift to be stewarded (1 Cor. 7:7). Yet we rarely say, “What God has given you right now is meaningful.” Instead, we rush to reassure: “You deserve an amazing man. You deserve marriage.” As though anything else would somehow be a failure of justice.
The truth is that in Christ, we’ve already been given Someone perfectly faithful and perfectly loving. This doesn’t make a friend’s longing for marriage wrong; it simply reframes where her deepest hope rests.
So speak life over your single friends: affirm their beauty and their character, and walk alongside them as they learn to receive whatever God gives with open hands. For whether He gives marriage or continues the gift of singleness, what He offers is never less than good; it’s always shaped by wisdom we can’t fully see and by love we never have to question.
3. “Just see where it goes.”
When it comes to relationships, especially in Christian circles, we can feel pressure to define things quickly: Is this leading to marriage? Is he “the one”? In an attempt to relieve some of that pressure, modern advice often suggests adopting a more passive approach: Just see where it goes. Don’t overthink it. Let things unfold naturally. It sounds freeing, and it feels low pressure to take a passenger-seat approach: to sit back, enjoy the ride, and wait to see whether they arrive at the destination they hoped for.
While the book of Proverbs doesn’t use a travel analogy, it does say much about feet: the paths we choose, the steps we take, and the direction we’re headed. Proverbs 4:26 says, “Carefully consider the path for your feet, and all your ways will be established.” Scripture assumes that we’re not just drifting through life—we’re walking somewhere. And relationships, like paths, always lead us somewhere.
It’s worth not only asking our friends, “Where do you want this to go?” but to also help them consider who they’re becoming along the way. Is this relationship moving them toward greater love for God? Is it helping them love others more deeply and reflect Christ more clearly? Or is it drawing them toward compromise, confusion, or patterns they’ve struggled to leave behind?
Only the Lord knows how any relationship will ultimately unfold. He is kind to guide us even in the middle of our own missteps. But His grace isn’t an invitation to disengage; it’s a reason to walk wisely. While we aren’t our friends’ saviors, and they won’t always listen, we are still called to love them well, help them discern direction, and trust God with each small step along the way.
Love Worth Witnessing
I saved this last section to write until after my friends’ engagement. It’s been a joy to have a front-row seat to their entire relationship—from the first hints of interest to the long conversations about their future together, with so many prayers woven through every step. Immediately following the proposal, they took one another’s hands and bowed their heads together.
What was said in this precious, private moment was heard only by the two of them. But my own heart bowed in gratitude to the God who had carried them to this point—and for His kindness in allowing me to play even the smallest part. Isn’t this what we want for all of our friends? Not merely a beautiful proposal or a regret-free wedding day, but marriage relationships built on trust in Him?
As we walk alongside our friends, the joy is not only theirs. The Lord deepens our own faith in Him as He allows us to witness—and even take part in—the love stories He so faithfully writes.
1 Juli Slattery, Sex and the Single Girl (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2017), 50.
2 Sid S. Buzzell, “Proverbs,” in The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures, ed. J. F. Walvoord and R. B. Zuck, vol. 1 (Wheaton, IL: Victor Books, 1985), 964.
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