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Daily Program

Delighting in Marriage

Series: For Women Only: An Interview with Shaunti Feldhahn and Barbara Rainey

Tuesday, April 15 2008

Leslie Basham: Are you making an effort to look attractive for your husband? Here’s Shaunti Feldhahn.

Shaunti Feldhahn: We say it’s what is on the inside that matters. We’ve come to this idea that what’s on the outside doesn’t matter, and instead, we just need to deal with reality on this and recognize that to our husband it does. Thankfully, it’s about them seeing us willing to make the effort.

Leslie: This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. It’s Tuesday, April 15.

Today’s program is important for wives to hear, but it’s not appropriate for young children. Here’s Nancy to get us started.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: We’ve been having a great discussion over the past several days with two women who have a heart for the Lord, a heart for their husbands, and a heart to help other women have the kind of marriage and relationship with men that God intended them to have.

Barbara Rainey has been a long-time friend; she’s the wife of Dennis Rainey. Together they founded FamilyLife Ministries—heard on many of the same stations that air Revive Our Hearts. They’re a partner ministry of ours.

Barbara, you’re a sweet friend, and you’re an author, a mother, a grandmother—a lot of roles that you have at this season of your life. Thank you for taking time out to come and talk with us about some of these really important subjects.

Barbara Rainey: You are welcome. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Nancy: Shaunti Feldhahn is a new friend. She’s written a book called, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. We stated earlier in the series, but I want to say it again, that none of us are experts on men—certainly not I—and we’re not claiming to be.

There is a lot more that we don’t know than we do, and we want to say that from the outset. But Shaunti did some research and asked in different ways, in verbal and written interviews, over a thousand men to help women understand what they want us to get about them that sometimes we don’t get.

Shaunti, thank you for writing this book; thank you for joining us here on Revive Our Hearts.

Shaunti: It’s a pleasure.

Nancy: Before we jump into this, I want to just lay a biblical foundation. I was reading in my quiet time this morning from the book of the Song of Solomon, which is the biblical handbook on physical intimacy in marriage. It reminds us that the marriage relationship, and even the physical part of that, is intended to be a picture of the redemptive relationship that Christ has with His church. We don’t want to lose sight of the mystery of all this.

It’s not just about sex. It’s not just about your marriage. It’s not just about your issues. It’s about something God wants to communicate to the world about His relationship with His people.

As I was reading in Song of Solomon, I see this very open, free expression of love between this husband and this wife. I see a woman who is delighting in her husband and a husband who senses and is grateful for the delight that she feels. Just the very opening of that book she says, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine;” she says to her husband (Song of Solomon 1:2). Then she says, “Draw me after you; let us run. The king has brought me into his chambers” (Song of Solomon 1:4).

Right from the get-go, she’s saying, "I cherish our physical relationship. I cherish your body. I cherish you as my husband, and I delight to give myself to you."

That is a really different sense about physical intimacy than you get when you talk to a lot of wives today.

Barbara: That is really true, because the attitude today is not that gracious; it’s not that giving; it’s not that kind. So often it is begrudging and negative, and I think in the last generation, women have changed their perspective. They’re looking at marriage as, “What’s in it for me?” Not, “How can I serve my husband and love him?”

We need to do some mental shifting in the way that we think about our husbands. The Song of Solomon would be a good place to start as we think about the whole area of physical intimacy in marriage.

Shaunti: I think also that for us to recognize that delight in this relationship is exactly what our husbands need to feel from us—that sense that we want to be with them in that way, we delight in it, we desire them. It was such a surprise, when I found out that this was not just a physical need, as we talked about yesterday, but that our delight built our husbands up in a sense of well being in other areas of their life.

One man said, “I can be having a terrible time at work; I can be having a terrible time in my industry; the house can be a wreck, and the kids can be disobedient, if I know that my wife desires me and she affirms me in bed. I have a sense that I can conquer the rest of my life with no problem. But if I get that same sense from her that ‘You don’t measure up, don’t touch me,’” he said, “That will devastate me worse than anything else in my life.”

Barbara: It really does create rejection in the heart of a man that goes perhaps deeper than any other kind of rejection he can experience.

Shaunti: I can’t imagine that. If there was a man here in the studio that I interviewed, they would all say the same thing: “There is nothing worse, in terms of rejection, than feeling unwanted by his wife.”

Barbara: That goes back to Genesis 2, which we talked about earlier—God created man that way. He created him incomplete, and He created him to need his wife, and we as women who are married have the privilege of being the one who completes her husband (verses 18-25). When we do that, he does feel like he can conquer the world. He can go back to that job that’s demanding and tiring, and he may not be doing well, but he feels like he has the energy to go back and tackle it one more day.

Shaunti: The other thing that I discovered, that really was a surprise to me, was that so many men go through their day feeling isolated. One guy said, “I feel like I go out in the ring every day, and I fight the good fight, and it’s really lonely.”

Nancy: That can be true of even men who are very outgoing and who have a lot of friends.

Barbara: Oh, yes.

Shaunti: Yes, absolutely.

Nancy: It’s an inner loneliness that you’re talking about.

Barbara: That’s right.

Shaunti: Absolutely. It’s an inner loneliness that they have. One man said, well, let me actually just read this quote. He said,

A man really does feel isolated, even with his wife, but in making love, there is one other person in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged. It is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man.

Barbara: That is so good.

Shaunti: Isn’t that beautiful?

Barbara: It really is.

Shaunti: What a joy to be able to recognize that. And instead of feeling, “Well, it’s my duty,” or “It’s my burden,”—no! You have an opportunity to solve this deep sense of loneliness that your husband feels.

Nancy: I want to encourage our married listeners in particular to go and read the Song of Solomon in the Old Testament. It’s a book you don’t hear preached on very often in church. It’s a book not many Christians take time to dig into, but just read the exchange—the verbal exchange, the physical exchange between this husband and his wife.

Read the things that she says. It’s intriguing to me how often she initiates the physical relationship with her husband. She says, “Tell me, you whom my soul loves, where you pasture your flock, where you make it lie down at noon” (1:7).

Shaunti: “Where can I find you?”

Nancy: She’s saying, “Where can I find you?” Then she says, “Behold, the voice of my beloved! Behold, he comes, leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills” (2:8). A lot of women are thinking, “Yes, I know what he want!” But she is welcoming him. She knows what he wants, but she invites him; she welcomes him, receives him into her life, and that’s really what a man wants from his wife.

Shaunti: Let me tell you—I’ll be very transparent here. When I started learning this: how much, just initiating, made such an enormous difference to this feeling in my husband’s life that, she does desire me; she does delight. I started getting kind of bad. I would send my husband a little text message on his phone when he was in the middle of a meeting that just said something about, can’t wait for you to get home. He would just be like, oh man, that fills me up. I can just . . .

Nancy: He forgot all about the meeting!

Shaunti: Yes, probably. But what a joy for us to be able to have that secret delight in each other. For the women out there who feel, “Well, I just don’t—I’m tired. I don’t know if I’m ready for that, if I don’t feel that.” If you will take that first step, I bet you will find that your feelings follow your actions.

Nancy: We are going to put together here, in this last session, a couple of insights that you gave. It has to do with the concept that men are visual, and again, that probably doesn’t come as any great surprise. But let’s talk about some of the implications of that that were a surprise to you as you did this survey.

Shaunti: Yes. Absolutely. One of the things that I realized is that I heard in premarital counseling and many other places that my husband was visual. Then I realized I didn’t even know what that meant—really.

Nancy: What does it mean?

Shaunti: Here is really what it means, and, okay, ladies, hold on to your seats here for a minute and have an open mind as we talk about this because some of this can be a little hard to hear frankly.

Nancy: Or hard to believe.

Shaunti: Or hard to believe, right, exactly. What “men are visual,” means is two separate things and unrelated. It means that a man is wired in such a way that he can’t not notice a woman with an attractive figure. He just can’t not notice her.

Nancy: Now, you’re talking about godly men—spiritually mature men?

Shaunti: Godly men, wonderful Christian husbands. Yes. All men. It doesn’t have anything to do with sin. This is an initial temptation. The Bible says that Jesus was tempted in every way and yet without sin. This initial attraction to not be able to not notice this woman is an involuntary reflex. And by the way, the Scripture can bear this out very easily if you look at Job. God said Job was the finest man in all the earth, okay?

Nancy: The most righteous.

Shaunti: The most righteous man in all the earth, and this man even had to say, “I had to make a covenant with my eyes to not look with lust upon a young woman” (Job 31:1). Okay? So if Job had this struggle, every man has this struggle. That’s the first thing that “men as visual,” means.

Nancy: Which is very hard for us as women to understand because most of us are not wired that way.

Shaunti: That’s right. That was the first thing, here’s the second thing that it means: that image of that woman that he just couldn’t not notice is burned into his brain and becomes part of what my husband calls a “mental rolodex of images” that stretch back to his teen years that can arise any time in his mind without warning. This picture just sort of pops into his mind without warning, and it could assault him, basically, at any time of the day.

I didn’t really understand what this meant. I’ll explain this in the same way that I found out about it, which was: we were driving in the car one day, and Jeff said,

Jeff: I bet you do understand what this means, and maybe we’re just using different words to describe it. So let me give you this illustration. Remember this movie we went to last week with Tom Cruise?

Me: Yes.

Jeff: Okay, you think he’s an attractive man, right?

Me: Yes.

Jeff: Okay, so how many times the next day does this image of Tom Cruise with his shirt off just sort of rise up in your head?

I said . . .

Nancy: Let me guess—never?

Barbara: Zero.

Shaunti: Never.

He said, “No, no. I must not be explaining myself correctly. You’re just sitting at your computer. You’re working on a column or something. You’re not doing anything sensual, and a picture of Tom Cruise with his shirt off just sort of flashes across the screen of your mind. How many times does that happen the next day?"

Never! It just doesn’t happen. I realized this is what goes on in the minds of our men, all day.

Barbara: All the time.

Shaunti: Every day they have these images that rise up and can really assault them without warning, and for any man who wants to keep his thought life pure, that’s when he has the choice. That’s when the temptation rises up, and he has the choice of what he’s going to do about it.

They have to take that thought captive and say, I don’t want that in there, and tear it down. Do you know what? If they’re having a hard day, it could pop up again five seconds later. “Uh, I don’t want that there. Take it captive; tear it down.” And this culture, because it’s a mine field of those images, many men have described this as exhausting.

Nancy: A wife needs to appreciate and honor the fact that her husband is making the effort and is making the commitment to make those right choices when he does.

Barbara: She needs to thank him for being pure.

Shaunti: Yes.

Barbara: She needs to thank him for wanting to be faithful and for talking about this with her.

It is one of the things that I value most in my relationship with my husband—that he feels like he can confide in me when he is faced with temptation, or when he’s struggling in some area. He’ll talk to me about it, and I feel so honored that he feels safe with me, and we can talk about it. I can say, “Thank you for wanting to do what’s right. Thank you for doing what’s right. Thank you for not dwelling on those things or not lingering on a channel on the TV when you’re changing channels.”

All of those kind of things—I’m so grateful. I make sure he knows that I’m grateful for the commitment that he has.

Nancy: But your husband is not going to feel free or safe to let you know he struggles if he knows that when he shares his struggle, you’re going to freak out.

Barbara: That’s right, he won’t. If when he shares that, not only will you freak out, but if he shares a need to be with you intimately, physically, sexually, and you’re not interested, or you don’t respond and you don’t welcome him, he’s thinking, “Why should I talk to her about it? She doesn’t get it.” The truth is that many women don’t get it.

Nancy: The fact that men are wired this way, that they are so visual says something, also, about the importance to those men of their own wife’s physical appearance.

Shaunti: This was actually a very important light bulb to me that went on, especially because I had just had two kids. I was 20 pounds overweight, and I just didn’t think it affected anybody but me. Honestly, that’s the way I felt about it. Instead, a man shared, “This is such a blind spot for so many women. They don’t realize the importance of this.”

The good thing that I learned that was such an encouragement (because it’s very hard to hear this) is that for men, it’s not about being a size three. And, of course, for me I say, "good thing," because it’s not going to happen! But it’s not about being tiny.

It’s about our men simply seeing us being willing to make the effort to take care of ourselves for them and to take the time to put ourselves together well—what a blessing it is to know that that’s important, because frankly, we say, it’s what’s on the inside that matters.

We’ve come to this idea that what’s on the outside doesn’t matter, and instead, we just need to deal with reality on this and recognize that to our husband it does. Thankfully, again, recognizing that it’s about them seeing us willing to make the effort.

Nancy: Let me illustrate that with an email we received. Most of the emails we receive are from women, but this one came from a man who said exactly this. He said,

When my wife and I dated, it was so wonderful. We loved spending time with each other. She took care of herself. She took care of our home. She took care of me after we got married.

Then he described some work-related issues that came up, some financial issues, she had a baby, and in the process of marriage, years in the marriage, some things changed in her heart, and he said she became a very unhappy camper.

In all this time, she also has the extra weight from the baby; she’s growing heavier. She once was a very neat person. She no longer keeps the house clean and tidy. She’s let herself go physically; she’s at least 60 pounds overweight. I know it shouldn’t, but this has become a huge issue to me personally.

Quite honestly, this is hard for me to understand. I come home each day from an intense work situation and she’s not dressed attractively. I know that it's not possible every day, but nine days out of ten the house is a wreck. She and our daughter are fighting with each other. "Welcome home, Honey!" I just want to go back to work.

Then he says what you just said, Shaunti.

If I could even see some small effort to please me as a husband, such as trying to control her weight and look more attractive—I’m often embarrassed in public. I’m not saying this is the right attitude; I’m just being honest. If I could just see some effort, I would at least see some light at the end of the tunnel.

He is really saying that when a wife doesn’t take care of herself, that the man feels unvalued and rejected.

Shaunti: The other thing that I hear from him is the same thing that I’ve heard from so many men. The sentiment that, “She doesn’t understand how hard it is for me in this culture to go through my day, all day, every day, making an effort to keep my eyes off of other women. She expects me, and I want to make that effort to try and keep my thought life pure for her, and to recognize that it’s that same kind of willingness to make an effort on her part—to do something that will help me in that process.”

Barbara: I think most women know that men are visual. I don’t think that part is quite the surprise, but I think knowing that, we have a responsibility to replace some of those images that they have with images.

Shaunti: Images of us.

Barbara: With images that are safe and that are sanctioned by God. God said this is good and this is right. So for us to be sloppy and to not care for our appearance is to make it harder for our husbands. We have a responsibility to make it easier.

I want to encourage wives to work on that area. It is difficult at times, but it will send the message to him that you care and that you want to put the right images in his mind that he can dwell on.

Nancy: Shaunti, at the end of your survey, you asked men, “What is the one thing you most wish that your wife understood—that she knew about you?” You were really surprised at the answer that stood out from all those responses.

Shaunti: I was just blown away. I gave men a blank space to answer that question, “What is the one most important thing you wish your wife knew, but feel you can’t explain to her or tell her?”

I gave them a blank space, and I thought, really, they’d probably use it to vent. I mean, really, that’s what I expected. Instead, the top answer by far that I got was that the one most important thing they wished their wife knew was, “How much I love her.”

That blew me away because I realized that most of the men in our lives are good guys who love us, adore us, cherish us, and feel absolutely handicapped at really getting that across. I did a talk recently where a man came up to me afterwards after I shared this. He said, “It’s not even so much that I feel like I can’t tell her this. It’s that I can’t tell her in a way that she’ll really believe me and get the depth of how I feel about her.”

What an encouragement to us to recognize that we have such an opportunity to build the men in our lives up, and that they want to do the same thing for us.

Nancy: Women, it is as we receive the love, the incredible unconditional love that God has for us, that we grow in our capacity to give and receive love from others. If there’s an issue in your marriage—and there is in every marriage—where the love isn’t what it ought to be, the intimacy isn’t at the level that it ought to be, I hope that you’re encouraged by what Shaunti has just said.

Most of your husbands really do love you. But if you’re not able to receive that—perhaps you’ve had a damaged background, you have a lot of multiple-generations of divorce and remarriage now—and I think it’s hard for a lot of women to believe that they are loved.

Let me encourage you that the starting place is in your relationship with the Lord. As with every issue in life, it all goes back to your relationship with Jesus Christ. To have been loved by Him, and to receive His love with gratitude and with faith and realizing, His love is grace.

It’s not something we deserve; it’s not something we can work for or earn or deserve. It’s not something we have to perform to receive. It’s just that He is a lover. He loves us with a dying and undying love, infinitely, eternally—what can ever separate us from the love of Christ?

As you begin to, by faith, receive that love, I think you’ll find that you have a greater capacity to believe and receive the love that your husband said in this survey, he really does want you to know that he has for you.

Thank you women for joining us for this series, Barbara and Shaunti. What a blessing you women are. I’m so thankful for this opportunity to encourage our women listeners. I believe that many have received hope and maybe some practical steps of action.

I hope that our listeners will write and let us know how this series has been a blessing to you and specifically what God is doing in your life, how you’re responding to these truths. Write and share your testimonies with us. Write and let us know how we can pray for you. We have a team of prayer partners that do that. We want to do everything we can to help you as a wife to be free and full and fruitful in Christ and also in your relationship with your husband.

Leslie: Nancy Leigh DeMoss has been talking with Barbara Rainey and Shaunti Feldhahn about ways we can understand, serve, and love our husbands more effectively. I hope today’s conversation will be a starting place, and that you’ll make a lifelong study of your husband and his needs.

You’ll find Shaunti Feldhahn’s book extremely helpful in the process. It’s called, For Women Only. Shaunti researched the inner lives of thousands of men through thousands of questionnaires, and her insights have opened the eyes of a lot of women. Men and women are different from each other, and this book will help wives understand those differences better and how to communicate in a way husbands will hear.

We want to send you For Women Only, along with this series on CD. We’ll send a copy of each your way when you make a donation to the ministry of Revive Our Hearts. When you donate by phone, will you mention For Women Only? We want to be sure to get you the resource you’re interested in when making a donation, and it helps when you let us know.

The toll-free number is 1-800-569-5959, or visit ReviveOurHearts.com. Make your donation there, request your book and CD series online as well.

We’ve talked over the last few days about respecting our husbands, but what if you’re married to someone who is just sinful and foolish? Nancy will address that tomorrow in a new series. Please be back for Revive Our Hearts.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

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*The following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate.

 

"It hurts to much to read this series, i know it is important, my husband left me gave me no reason. But i know i'm ugly and that is one of the items that was mentioned in my email, i didn't try to make myself look different. i brought shame to God as well as to my husband. That is not the only thing i did wrong. But each time i see what i have done to break up my marriage, i try to repent and try to correct the mistake and try to keep moving on, i still need to be obiedent to God."

B (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 5:21 AM)

"For half of our marriage (12yrs), I was very thin, attractive, and sex was my favorite past time..
However, I found out early on that my husband was involved with pornography.
I sensed I was never "enough". He never gave me positive feedback on my looks, but was attracted to everyone else.
In spite of that, I lived in denial and was happily married.
Then I found out he was immorally involved with a woman at work.
Now, twelve years later, I am overweight and disinterested in sex.
I gave him my best, and I struggle with the fear of being rejected again, even though I think he is making an attempt at being pure."

J (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 7:32 AM)

"This is such a great topic. I wish I had known some of this at the beginning of my marriage. Thanks be to God that I had figured some of it out on my own but this series just confirms and puts into words some of the things I discovered.
I was convicted though when I read, "I come home each day from an intense work situation and she’s not dressed attractively". Wow, what a statement. My husband and I often joke about my around-the-house clothes (cut off jean shorts, stained t-shirts, pants that are 2 sizes to big). Now I realize that it really does matter. I will start making a bigger effort in this area!
Thanks for this insight!"

Carolyn (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 8:03 AM)

"What's in a marriage for women? I think the bible just gives excuses for men to act the way they do. It just makes women out to be slaves to their husbands and we get nothing in return. There is no excuse for a man to stare at another woman and he is married. I'm tired of excuses!"

Who (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 9:12 AM)

"Dear "Who,"

Please know it is God's perfect will for our husbands to love us AS CHRIST LOVES THE CHURCH. That right there is a LOT to meditate upon. For starters, think of how Christ laid down His life for us voluntarily... Whether or not husbands follow God's Word or not, is not His fault. He gave us free choice.

May you, "Who", and everyone else who reads this be filled with the love of our Father, in Jesus' name I pray. He indeed does love you!"

P.j. (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 9:47 AM)

"As a man I find it very surprising and encouraging that a woman might even try to love her husband and take any responsibility for the marriage. It is the husband's job to make her a queen, not for her to play princess. Some men act like such losers, but if women would heed this message, most men would fall all over themselves to serve them. Maybe a woman really can love her husband."

W (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 10:00 AM)

"So how does a wife NOT feel insecure knowing their husband keeps this "rolodex" in his head? With all the media of Victoria's Secret ads, air-brushed magazine covers, and girls dressing in skimpy clothes all around us, etc. - we, as wives, canNOT compete. Our lives are filled with errands, housework, children, etc. and to find time to take care of ourselves and our husbands??? Give us answers, reassurances...in lieu of walking around feeling as if it's useless to even try."

Leah (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 10:31 AM)

"Being a christianI man this is now I see it.rnThe question is love = sex? Would I stoprnloveing my wife if I could not have sex with rnher any more. When my wife was dieing rnAs I see it "TRUE LOVE" must be set asidernin a SPECHIAL place. Love remains in thatrnhospital bed or/ teaching a Sunday schoolrnclass. It is the way you are: your personality,rnthe way you walk or put your words together,rnthe way you cook, or the way you look(dress).rnand more---it is (the) ALL THE MORE! It isrnall the wonderful pictures that ---POP UP---rnup of you--- all the days of the rest of my life.rnThe last thought was sex in my mind. For rnme I am willing to sit by my wife the restrnof my life. I respected her---her life's message---her love for the one I lovedrn(the Lord Jesus)."

Bruce (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 10:53 AM)

"Just yesterday, my husband and I had words over this very topic. He is just coming out of an affair with a younger woman, and he made the comment to me that he was "more attracted to me" when I was 10 pounds thinner a few months ago. Is this fair? Would he be encouraged to please me more if I said I was more attracted to him when he had more hair a few months ago, and his bald spot wasn't quite so big? I know men are visual, and we must do our best as women to make them proud of us, but shouldn't it mostly come from keeping our bodies a temple of the Holy Spirit?"

L (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 11:33 AM)

"I understand and I don't. My husband has been a womenizer from day one, from the time I was a size five til now me at a size 16-18. And I've lost and gained for him to be him. Don't kill these ladies self esteem anymore if they love you they love you. I offer sex on a regular to be turned down. So if you love ME you love me. I've put up with STD's and all that's not God, and I am at my ropes end trying to live Holy. So who can help me with this?? I am the same person a better person with a college degree and something to bring to the table but he won't touch me cause I'm not a 10 now but what about when I was a 5 or better and he still had his women??? So I take no blame for being ME he has the issue. And how can we be motivated to lose weight if they are being dogs reguardless. Be blessed and keep it real!!!"

Birdie (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 11:59 AM)

"I will be praying for the women that have had heartbreak in your marriage. I pray that God will heal and restore your hearts for marriage. This series is so true and I thank God for Nancy revealing to us the part we have to play in the intimacy with our husbands."

Rashelle (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 12:45 PM)

"You read an email from a husband who didn't understand what happened to his wife when they used to enjoy a great marriage . . . when they were first married. Does he come home demanding dinner to be on the table no matter what she went through that day? Maybe he didn't actually demand it. Maybe he just looked around in disgust and walked to the bedroom and stayed there watching TV for hours. He comes home wanting something specific (and understandable) from his wife but she is too. She needs something from him as well. I would love to ask HER why she is overweight and not "tidy" anymore and how her husband helps her NOT be that way? Chances are great that HE is the reason she is that way.

I EVOLVED INTO WHAT I AM TODAY! . . . . . . . I may be 50 pounds overweight, lost my zest for life, feel sad about most things, and can't seem to find joy in my marriage anymore but how did that happen? I didn't just decide one day to gain the weight, etc. My husband married me at 115 pounds. Several years ago, after 16 years of marriage, three very large babies, and a weight gain of 45 pounds (which put me at 160 where I had remained for years), he told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore. Guess what? It bothered me and I felt bad and then promptly gained 20 more pounds. He's the kind of guy who normally never tells me if I look good or bad, ever! No compliments even when I was young and very easy on the eyes. My extra 20 pounds is still there and every time I look at him, I see his very large bald spot, his gut that he doesn't even try to hold in (I think he's proud of it), his baggy butt, hair growing from his ears, long white wirey hairs all over his chest, back and arms, and he only shaves every few days when he needs to EVERY day. The funny thing is that he doesn't see this. He saw a picture of himself and expressed complete wonder at how bald he has gotten (front to the back half of his head)! He had no idea! If men are visual, why aren't they looking at themselves???"

Leah (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 1:02 PM)

"I liked my last comment so much I need to say it again . . . .

If men are so visual, why aren't they looking at themselves? They don't see their bald head, large gut, and everything else they develop as they grow older. Does anyone have an answer to that?"

Leah (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 1:06 PM)

"It was years into our marriage that I found out that my wife was sexually abused as a young child. This explained the nonintimate brother sister relationship of our marriage. Which started on the honnymoon. Your program which, I stumbled upon today ,was very on track with the maritial relationship as it should be. A commimitment between TWO people for mutual growth and support. My Wife will never listen to any christan support or ideas as I am sure many men in my position who also have the platonic wife in the house can concour with. Prayer would be wholefully accepted to correct a lifetime of emotional disconnection from my wife."

John (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 1:14 PM)

"My heart is overflowing with joy as I read today's broadcast because after 20 years of marriage I still delight greatly in giving myself to my husband. We have faced many trials together over the years, and times of intimacy have comforted us and have shown me about God's gentle, quiet love to me through my husband's love. When we believe God's Word in every area of life and obey, it brings great joy and contentment beyond words. Jackie"

Jackie (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 1:17 PM)

"Dear Birdie,
This future program will be a blessing to you.
Know I prayed for you. I need to loose weight also. We women wear our hearts outside. And wear down our bodies too. I'm up to a size 18 also. In the past I ate oatmeal for breakfast. with a protein drink blended banana. And made a super hearty soup which I froze in quart jars. And ate as much of it as I wanted for the rest of the day. And as my stomach shrunk; I ate less & less. Till at three months all my weight was off. But I needed a plan for after. I needed to maybe add one normal eating day a week; as long as the weight stayed off. I was so committed for those 3 months that I'd bring my soup frozen & eat it while we went to McDonald's :-) I felt so good. And it balanced my emotions also. Only God can fill the void in our hearts where others lack. We must not expect anyone to live up to Jesus. He will never leave us nor forsake us. We are blessed to be married too. As Elizabeth Elliot said "We are just a sinner married to a sinner."
~We are to give our expectations to the Lord.
Here is some more real teaching coming soon Birdie :-)
Abigail: How to Live with the Fools in Your Life
Apr. 16 - Apr. 23

Nancy examines the story of Abigail in 1 Samuel 25 to teach us how to deal with a fool in a way that honors God. Through Abigail's demeanor, words, and behavior, we'll learn what to do, and what not to do, and how a godly woman has the power to influence everyone around her.
Love in Christ,
Leslie N."

Leslie (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 1:19 PM)

"Ok, just heard most of the broadcast today and came to the site to finish reading it. I am 45, divorced, but in a somewhat serious relationship. Did I ever make my former husband feel needed and loved? No I don't think so, I was always waiting for him to do that for me. Have I done it in this relationship? No not really, maybe in the beginning. I really feel that I do need to let him know that he is very important in my life. He has been there for me in some very tramatic moments in the last few years and even though he does have a problem expressing himself verbally, isn't that what he is trying to say? Thank you for a very informative program!! I plan on changing my "needy" attitude with one of gratitude and can't wait tosee if it improves his vocal abilities!!"

Deb (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 1:21 PM)

"And by the way, I am going to work on looking a little more attractive, even though I am overweight and gray!"

Deb (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 1:23 PM)

"Thanks again Nancy, Shaunti and Barbara, I am praying for you since you lifted us women up with this program. There is lots to do for me too in this area. Lots to do, to become every day a little bit more like my Saviour Jesus Christ!! I just love to follow Him and my husband (who is unsaved) just loves me for following Him!!."

Mathil (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 1:39 PM)

"This topic has been such a great reminder of our responsibility to our husbands! Unfortunately, in my first marriage, I was not truly aware of the dangers of withholding sexual intimacy from my husband. I was busy with school full-time and dealing with another family-related crisis. I was shocked and devastated to learn that my first husband was involved in an affair with his co-worker. I was immediately aware of my own sin in that marriage relationship and wanted to repair it. However, after numberous attempts to seek help via Christian counseling/weekend conference, opening myself up more for physical intimacy to rebuild our marriage, my husband remained unrepentant and continued the affair. As a result, the marriage ended in a heart-breaking divorce. I am pleased to say that I am now remarried to a wonderful Christian man, and I am now much more aware of the importance of serving him as his wife in all areas and the model of a true Christian marriage. My prayer is that all women who are reading or listening to this series will take heed instead of having to learn this through experience. Let's live up to the responsibilities that God has called us to as women. I truly believe that feelings CAN follow actions. Let's change our attitudes so that we can glorify God in our marriage relationship. Philippians 2:3-8 states "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your ATTITUDE should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant..." As Christians, we are called to obey the word of God and be more like Christ who exemplified self-sacrificial love. Pray for your husbands, pray for yourselves and your marriage! Allow God to work through you!"

-a (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 2:02 PM)

"Thank you so much for this reminder of the privileges and responsibilities we have as wives - I needed to hear it!! We dare not take these privileges for granted! God bless you very much and may many wives hear and respond to their husbands as the Lord desires them to!!"

Kathy (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 2:10 PM)

"Since men as so visual, it's one more reason why I'm so thankful we don't have a TV in our home, that makes one less opporturnity in the world we live in for my husband to keep his mind pure, mine also.
May it be said of every Godly home in America to be TV free and God centered!"

Tv (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 5:03 PM)

"Leah- I think that women lie to themselves when they say "There is no time" to take care of ourselves and our husbands because we're so busy with _______ (fill in the blank). There is no greater thing to do than to take care first of our husband, then our children, then our home. We should make every effort to please our husband- look nice, exercise, make his favorite meals......etc. Our children do not come before our husband!! I think our husband will notice our effort, not the result.
I also think that we are wrong in thinking that we are competing with the "perfect" woman- I don't think we are!!! I think our husbands just want to feel as if we have tried and that we have done it for him......"

Susan (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 5:09 PM)

"I have been reading the transcripts for the past days. I have learned a lot from Shaunti. I would like to apply some of the things I have heard and learned but my husband is and has been depressed for many, many years. He doesn't like himself. I was the willing servant wife for 22 years. When I was finally spent and burned out, I had to begin setting some healthy boundaries lest I have no wick for a flame of life at all. He did not support me and my decisions with discipline even though he was never home. He would tell my boys that I was overreacting and that mom would not follow through. Then I would be caught between the child and the adult spouse. I tried many times to explain that love and marriage are work, not just natural. It's a building and molding of two people together with Christ. I think I finally understood why he couldn't grasp the vision of a Christ centered marriage. He doesn't have a faith of his own. His faith is his parents faith, even though he is 52 years old. He doesn't know why he believes, he just does. He won't be baptized because his church growing up said it wasn't necessary.

I would love a Christ centered marriage, but until my husband is on his knees before God asking for grace and faith, it cannot happen. I have tried to set the most loving, Christlike boundaries I can. Unfortunately, this does not include intimacy. We both lose.

Men must be honest with themselves, before God, to be able to be honest with their wives. And understand that in a home with children "More is caught, than taught"."

Gail (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 6:27 PM)

"One thing about this series is that it covers some of why I often feel like throuwing a brick through the window. That is, that I do not feel the sense of support, but too often the opposite.

"This house is a mess of unfinished jobs" was a comment a few weeks ago. My heart sinks when my wife turns up with something else to be done. or something she has bought. Part of the problem is that too much of my energy is dissipated fighting the "no" to what I suggest. Just as energy sapping is general untidiness. It takes too much energy getting at a job that I can't do much. When people do things about the house, it seems that it is unappreciated unless the job is done as my wife would do it, and is criticised when done any other way.

What I do not need is the pressure that all my spare time at home is wasted unless I am doing things on the house. And her list of jobs, not mine!!!!

Some years ago my wife got a salesman in about doing our front drive. When I walked out because I had prayed for a sign as to whether or not I could trust him, my wife talked me into going back instead of supporting me. I was proved right by the shoddy job which wasted the equivalent of $2500.

I need to find another job, having not had a pay rise for 3 years, and regularly getting my pay cheque late resulting in unnecessary overdrafts. Because of the drip drip effect of my wife showing a negative response to anything I say, I no longer have the fight to go and get another job. Nor eevn to fight my corner at my present work about needing to be payed properly. The industry average for my work is 4 times what I get. And not getting enough for my family's needs breeds a feeling of inadequacy. Some time before hearing Revive Our Hearts I concluded that I needed to pray that the Lord would undertake so that I could provide for our needs.

On bit of the sense of inadequacy dates more than 20 years ago. My wife had been away with a group of children (including ours) while I was at home. I made a great effort to get the house as clean and tidy as I could, so I disconnected the phone so I would not be disturbed. And forgot it, so when my wife phoned to say the train was cancelled she could not get a reply. I went to the station, did not find her, but the train was reported as arrived on time - having statred half-way along the route. I found when the next train was due and went home. "YYOU COULDN'T EVEN BE THERE TO MEET ME!!!" was the blast when I answered the phone half an hour before leving for the next train. Shw had had a terrible journey on an overcrowded train which was not in the information I had got. As a husband, I feel that part of loving my wife is to allow her to vent her frustrations like this. What has left me with a permanent sense of inadeqacy for more than 20 years is that she has not done anything to heal those scars. Probably she has forgotten it and has never had the slightest idea of the lasting damage of that way of speaking. "YOU COULDN'T EVEN ..." is guaranteed to make a man feel totally inadequate, and the pain does not go away without the wife taking the initiative to heal the wounds. (Someone will prpobably want to comment about "unforgiveness", but however much you love and forgive, there is still the wound which needs a wife to heal.)


What was on today's programme about the wife doing something about her appearance to please her husband is a good point. While my wife could do with losing some weight, the issue is more one of being fitter. Which would help her health.

While I love my wife, the desire to show that (10 years ago I used to buy flowers at least once a week) has suffered the inadequacy which your series has explained. The constant "No" to what I suggest, arguing against everything, trying to set the agenda, criticising my driving down to whether I take this route or that when they are both OK, These things leave me worn out, deflated, lonely as she rarely shares my interests. And respect is not to side with someone else against me.

I'm not perfect either, and my wife proably feels the same in some ways.

And ladies, if you think the men need to hear something challenging, let them listen to Paul Washer speaking man to man.

I have written because Nancy and her friends are helped by hearing that what they say is right. I have probably said too much about my situation, and there is still plenty of love and good things to keep my marriage going. Just in this context I have shared some of my hurts."

Robert (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 7:19 PM)

"I wish you lived near me so I coud send my wife to you. I started listening to you yesterday and I am amazed how you hit it on the head about the wiring in men and women. I try to explain myself to my wife, but she wants me to be like her and she won't let me be me any more. The discussion about being intimate with your spouse is something I have missed for years but my spouse thinks it is her duty to make love to me. Evereything is her way and I have to listen to her, but I am not heard.

Please keep up with this ministry i LOVE IT"

Jim (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 8:41 PM)

"Hi Nancy,
I "soak up " your programs as often as I can, it looks like I'm not the only guy that is listening in. I have given my wife several hints about your ministry, she just hasn't caught on.
Todays program (4/15/08) has really given me hope to approach my wife and have her read the info you shared, of cause I realize men also have to do their part and cherish their wives and meet their needs. Is there a similar program directed at men?
thank you so much for your timely ministry,Jesus is coming ! Maranatha, Michael"

Michael (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 10:21 PM)

"Bridge To Hawaii

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming
voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Thank you, Lord. Please build
a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.
"The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.
"The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's
thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she really means when she says nothings wrong,
and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes, or four lanes on that bridge?"
Dear Nancy,
The above story was from an e-mail I received today. I know God always keeps His Word. But it made me think of you. And how your helping lot of us understand our husbands more.
Thank you for your teaching. I had a wonderful, joyful day today. Because HE helped me to spend time with Him 1st!!!
Love in Christ,
Leslie N."

Leslie (on Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 12:01 AM)

"Today's message is the only one I've read on this topic so far, and I hope to read them all before my DH comes home this weekend. I needed this so much. Thank you, Nancy and everyone.
Many of the things Robert and John expressed are exactly what my husband has tried to tell me many times during our marriage.
Growing up with no example of a good marriage, it has been tough to work through many issues like respect, admiration for my husband, appreciation. I simply was ignorant, and very much set in self-centeredness. I am so thankful that God is faithful to teach me these things, and my husband is patient. (Though there have been times he wanted out, because I was so stubborn.)
Men are so easy to please. It may not seem like it at times, but listen to what they say: They want to be admired and appreciated, they want to be close, and loved unconditionally. (is that not what I want, too?)And the thing that I think is so hard for us to grasp with our warped view of men which comes from growing up with unwholesome music, shows, etc, is that a man really only wants his needs to be met by HIS OWN WIFE! There is something about a man: deep down, he only wants the one to whom he is married. His wife is so special to him; that I find amazing!!! He wants to be treated special, too! He has FEELINGS! That is something that I stupidly would not believe for the longest time. He is not weak because of it. If I was treated by my husband the way I have treated him, I would fall apart. He is stronger, and might not do that, but inside, he was shriveling up from my cutting remarks, sighs of, "Do we have to tonight?" and careless attitude. He kept trying to love me, but I had made every excuse I could think of not to love him. WHY? What a waste. What did I think, that I could make him prove his love more by my being horrid? Consciously, no, but if we've grown up without much love, I think we try to do this. This is no excuse, but just something we must realize if we're doing it and get over it.
Listen to your husbands, Ladies. Don't push him away. Draw him near, in little ways, and big ones. :)
ACT on what you can control. The feelings will come after. It's the only way, you see? For example, You can't wait until you FEEL like exercising, you have to do it, and you'll feel better for it once you begin.
You don't feel like doing housework? Does DH feel like going to work each day so that you can have what you need? Not always, but he does it for no other reason than because he loves you. Many of us didn't believe that, and have tried to twist it into something it's not. Sometimes men appear selfish, and stupid, and all kinds of things. They can make terrible decisions, and they won't play with the kids, and all this stuff adds up and really turns you off. But It's time to stop adding it up and turn on anyway!
It is not for you to keep account of his mistakes. Most Husbands are VERY forgiving of their wives, so forgiving in fact, that you don't even see what's wrong with YOU!
Keep listening to ROH for ways to relate to your husband. As for some practical housekeeping help, you can find it on the internet, as well as recipes, money-saving tips, and exercises you can do at home.
Anything worthwhile takes effort, and your marriage is worth every bit of it!
No excuses!
Blessings,"

Michelle (on Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 1:24 AM)

"I only heard part of today's program. I want to comment on the part concerning when the husband comes home at the end of his day. Yes, he has been "at work" all day and has switched hats to "coming home" to his family. He wants us to look attractive, have a pleasant atmoshere at home, and have the house inviting. It sounds great, but have you considered that he is coming home to us (as stay at home moms) in the middle of our "work." We don't have an opportunity to switch from one job to the next...we're in the middle of the fray. What would happen if we stopped and took the kids to him at his job site? Would we find him at his best...looks, personality, and everything going smoothly? From the stories I've heard from his work day, I think not. Some consideration should be given to the differences in our "job" situations and a little help from him would go a long way in helping us!!"

Kamell (on Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 4:00 AM)

"I was so relieved to find out that I am a normal man. I offended wondered if I was different than most men because of my need to feel needed, and desired by my wife. Men don’t usually talk about such things with each other, and all we usually have to go by is a stereotype image of a male on TV. I have longed for seventeen plus years for my wife to understand me, but have failed so miserably when I have tried to explain my needs to her. She is willing to have marital relations with me, but it always feels like she is doing her duty rather than fulfilling a desire she has to be close to me. I believe she thinks men are only interested in sex, and as long as she is willing to submit to that she has fulfilled her obligation. I believe that my hand has been dealt, but at least some couples will benefit from your insightful and informative show. Thank you!"

Jonathan (on Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 7:26 AM)

"I am 51 years old and my last child has recently moved to college. My husband and I have been married for 31 years and have had children with us for 29 of those years. This comment is for those young wives and mothers that put more energy in their children than their marriage. Remember that if God wills, one day it will be just the two of you again. Don't sacrifice your marriage. Even though it is difficult, you must build a lasting marriage. This happens by loving each other and putting their needs ahead of yours. One day, the children will be gone, and it will be the two of you. One of God's greatest blessings is that your face still "lights up" when you see each other. I am truly enjoying "empty nest" and I thank God that my husband and I still enjoy being with each other."

Vicki (on Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 9:06 AM)

"Thanks, Vicki, for that encouragement. I know of many marriages which have been strained to the point of one or both partners saying, "When the children are gone, so am I!" And how sad that is. Thanks for the reminder to really build something that will last. At times, especially when they were very young, the children have needed me more than my husband has, and I didn't regard his feelings at all. I need to remember that I am the wife of my husband FIRST, then the mother of my children, and trust God to help me to meet the needs of everyone. I must be thoughtful of my husband and what he wants, and work around that.
To Kamell-- I think I understand what you are saying. He finishes his work and leaves it, not to think much about it maybe until the next day, but as the old saying goes, "A Woman's work is never done." It can lead us to despair if we don't know what to do. You can find help for planning your work at home at www.flylady.net. Remember, your husband probably doesn't want perfection, but he wants to see that you care enough to make your house a lovely, relaxed home for him to come to. You likely know at what time he will arrive. With a little planning you can have yourself and things in order most days to receive him in a welcoming way. I have five children and had very little help with the house until they were able to pitch in, so it was hard for me, too. FlyLady would have really helped me back then. Don't put any expectations on him to do housework. It sounds difficult, but your attitude will be much better than if you expect a lot from him in that area and never get it. Here's another thought. Men sometimes want to help us but don't know how, or they are afraid (due to past experience!) that they cannot please us no matter what they do. That can change as you learn, too.
Blessings"

Michelle (on Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 11:12 AM)

"Just a comment about having a well-ordered home when your husband comes home - I have a house full of little ones who can't help me much yet, and a husband with a very demanding job. But around 5 pm, 2 hours before my husband gets home, we switch into "preparing for Daddy!" mode. Supper is finished up, the table is set, the downstairs in picked up, kitchen wiped up, etc. I freshen up, change clothes if necessary (moms of little ones understand why this might be! :) clean of toddlers faces, etc. Then the little ones start milling around the door in anticipation. Then when Daddy gets home we've had time to switch gears and be ready to encourage and bless him as soon as he walks through the door. The house may not be immaculate every single day, but its picked up enough and presentable such that if he wanted to invite a coworker over last minute he knows it wouldn't be embarrassing to have company over. It takes a little bit of planning and practice until you can time it right, but I think it really blesses a man and makes him feel like he is just so honored when he gets this kind of reception. At least that's how my husband feels, so I've found it worth the extra planning and effort. Hope this helps! :)"

Catherine (on Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 2:08 PM)

"As an unmarried (but hopefully someday to-be-married) woman, this part of the series has been unbelievably frustrating.

A man promises to love and honor his wife in sickness and in health, etc., and it's understood when one enters into marriage that all kinds of things could change the relationship in the future - a debilitating disease or disfiguring car accident, for example. Men are still to love their wives NO MATTER WHAT. And I don't think that what you're trying to say is that men would have a right to ogle other women if their wives "let themselves go," but it kind of comes across that way - that married women are duty-bound to try to "replace" those inappropriate mental images their husbands are carrying around. For me, it's especially discouraging because I have an extremely apple-shaped body that looks fat and unattractive even even when I have been extremely, unhealthfully underweight. I would never be able to compete with those images, even if I worked out three hours a day (which I'm sure everyone here would agree is excessive.)

I noted with interest that the Proverbs 31 Woman doesn't seem to be wrapped up in appearances. Her arms are strong for her work, yes, but nothing else is really emphasized about her body. And if she's really one person doing all of those things (and not a compilation of various amazing women) she's running herself ragged getting up while it's still dark and staying up until all hours trying to get everything done. And interestingly, it's her character that is praised, not her face or her figure. "Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.""

K (on Thursday, April 17, 2008 at 12:20 AM)

"Thank you for you program. I am a Christian male who, like many men, doesn't have lust issues and struggles in my life (much less a rolodex of lustful images playing on the screen of my mind). When ever I tell people that all men don't necessarily have problems and struggles with lustful thoughts it's amazing how many men actually thank me for "coming out of the closet". Many of us shy from saying this in church because we've been told we must have these problems and sins, and when we deny it are accused of being under-se_ed or perhaps gay, though nothing could be further from the truth. I realize that telling women that all men have lust struggles is intended to comfort those women who have husbands who are struggling and my heart goes out to the women here who are married to men who struggle with lust/unwelcome images. But I wonder if we're really doing the unmarried women a disservice by telling them they MUST marry into this kind of situation if they want to be married at all. There are men out there who the won't oblige them to assume the impossible task of competing with young Hollywood models or their churchmate's wives and daughters the rest of their lives. Those men are out there."

Guy (on Thursday, April 17, 2008 at 8:29 AM)

"I sincerely appreciate Guy's response. I do not believe that all men have these lustful rolodex screens in their minds. The Bible teaches us to bring all thoughts captive to the Holy Spirit. If a man is doing this, is he not going to capture those as well? I cannot help to wonder how many men, and what kinds of men the author interviewed. I believe it said something like 1,000 men. That is nothing compared to the population. Perhaps the author is doing more damage to the Christian wife, and marriage as a whole, by telling her that ALL men have this so called problem. But like she used Job as an example. Yes, Job noticed. But, he made that covenant with his eyes to be faithful to God, his wife and himself to keep his eyes focused forward. Aren't today's men just as obligated to walk in the spirit as Job did?"

Kat (on Thursday, April 17, 2008 at 10:23 PM)

"In our house is only one TV. It is an old, dilapidated thing from the early '70's. I actually got it free with the purchase of my first house. My husband and I do not watch it much. Perhaps about a couple of hours a month. For real, a month. We both agree that it is not worth the assault to our Christianity. I am so grateful for a husband who is so dedicated to me. He turns from any immoral image, whether it be on TV or just in every day real life, and even makes it a habit not to look upon attractive women. I have noticed a huge change in him when he became truly dedicated to Christ and asked for help in keeping his eyes and self faithful to himself, me and to God. God has answered graciously and I have never felt so loved and cherished in my whole life. May I suggest that we as women must pray that our men develop "eyes" for us only, and that God will help to train their eyes and selves to be righteous and disciplined."

Kathy (on Thursday, April 17, 2008 at 10:34 PM)

"I just wanted to respond to K's comment about being frustrated with the emphasis on appearances. I am a married woman and I was also extremely frustrated by this message because it seems to feed into the Hollywood images and culture. I also thought it was interesting to hear Nancy speaking about her new book "Lies Young Women Believe" on another radio program this week which seems to be in total opposition to this message. I was so upset after this program thinking about how impossible it is to try to compete with the Hollywood images and how it doesn't seem right that we should have to. And I do exercise and eat right and try to dress modestly yet attractively for my husband. But it is really impossible to compete with those images! This is the kind of thinking that causes women to struggle with eating disorders and all kinds of problems- The "Lies Women Believe"!!
Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised.- Proverbs 31:30
I know there are a lot of women who need to remember that above the lies about our outer appearance being so important!"

A (on Friday, April 18, 2008 at 5:28 PM)

"I have spent the last 10 years of my marriage putting everyone and everything before my husband. I have taken him for granted, not appreciating that he has been a blessing and a gift from God. I am thankful that God has been faithful in revealing this to me. I now desire for my husband to be at the top of my priorities, second only to God. Why did I neglect the person with which I am "one"? God is good and faithful and I am so thankful for his gently reminders of his blessings in my life. I am prayerfully looking forward to the opportunity to show love, desire, respect, appreciation, admiration, and dedication to the man who God blessed me with. Thank you Lord!"

D (on Friday, April 18, 2008 at 9:07 PM)

"I am over weight, aging, and struggle with depression. Yes, I should take more responsibility for these things, but my husband treats me like a queen in spite of it all. I know other men would not, but it is their responsibility to love their wives not their body image. Sure, what middle aged man would not want to come home to a Barbie doll, but that is not reality. My husband loves me for me and does a good job of making me feel like I am still his bride. Thank you for this series, it has been helpful in many ways. I just don't completely agree with this part of it. God looks at the heart and is concerned with inward beauty and not the outward appearance."

Laura (on Saturday, April 19, 2008 at 9:15 AM)

"Are we honoring and glorifying God in our marriages? As daughters of the King, that should be our purpose ... our goal ... our delight. I challenge you, ladies, to to put God 's desires before your own (Matt. 6:33, 2 Chron. 7:14-16), and He will hear your cries and heal you and bless you with a strong, agape love for your husband. The times that you can't love ... He can!! The times that you have run out of energy, He has an abundance of strength!! Yes, our Mighty God passionately loves you and your mate and is waiting for you to seek Him and ask Him to do something in your lives and your marriage that only He can do. Lord, revive our marriages. As Your Word in Hosea 6:1 says, " Come , let us return to the Lord."

Nancy, you blessed my pastor/husband and I at the Cove this week. Thank you for your ministry and your complete devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ! He is using you to impact this generation for Him! I love praying for you and the Revive our Hearts ministry!"

Denise (on Saturday, April 19, 2008 at 10:29 AM)

"In response to J, Yeah--the wife can be very attractive, very sexual, and do everything to please her husband and it indeed will NEVER be enough! If married men HAVE to have sex, what do the single guys have to DO to control their sexual lusts?? And how chauvenistic, ladies that he husband never has to do anything to keep up his appearance, but only the wife does?He can be unshaven, pot-bellied, sweaty and that is acceptable as long as the wife fulfills her duty."

Hbm (on Saturday, April 19, 2008 at 1:32 PM)

"Dear "Who", it isn't the Bible that gives permission for men to act like they do. It is Christian women ERRONIOUSLY encouraging and condoning it! SHAME!! Men ARE to make a covenant with their eyes. Yes, "Leah", "why aren't men looking at themselves!" Truly because of how the men look, act, neglect hygiene..." what a turnoff! Yes, Bruce, Agape Love does not equal sex--we are commanded to love everyone with God's love, but not commanded to have sex with everyone! Sometimes (40 years into a marriage) the FEELINGS never come, no matter how much you obey God's commands and go through the motions! Finally a bunch of Christian listeners who read and KNOW scripture!! Refreshing!"

M (on Saturday, April 19, 2008 at 2:32 PM)

"Dear Nancy,
I have been listening to this series and In these past months I have seeking the Lord more, and I have really been letting the Lord change me and even given me love for things I diid not have love for , like cooking, but lately for whatever reason my husband is not that intimATE with me, I ask him if he does not find me attractive anymore, he says yes, he always wants to have sex when the kids are awake, and i tell him to wait till night time, but then he is always tired! I am frustrated and yesterday I acted very foolish and I am still angry at him for not satisfying my needs.Help."

Gigi (on Sunday, April 20, 2008 at 12:26 PM)

"I am so glad that I am not the only one who did not completely agree with this message. I have been thinking about it all week and I just need to say a couple more things.
First, ALL men do not struggle with images in their heads! Just like all temptations and sins, we all have our own individual areas of struggle. Yes, Job was the most righteous man on earth and this was possibly an area he struggled with, but I think that the point is that Even the most righteous CAN struggle with this, not that if Job struggled with it, ALL men do. We do not as Christian women need to be making allowances for our husbands to sin! Call it sin! And shame on the man who complained about his wife after she gained weight from having children. We did not hear her side of the story. I really feel like this is an area where we as Christians are letting the lies of the enemy creep in and we are becoming too much like the secular world!"

A (on Sunday, April 20, 2008 at 4:46 PM)

"Dear Ladies,
May God bless each of you for your work and effort in putting this weeks program together. It's very encouraging to here so many of my own thoughts and feelings spoken on the air by women in whom I have a great deal of respect. You could not have been more right in what you said, I wish more women would listen with an open mind and heart. It's ironic that the people that need your message the most are so often the least likely to listen and take it to heart."

Matt (on Tuesday, April 22, 2008 at 7:06 PM)

"To those who disagree,
First, may I boldly say that we were created to be our husband's helpmate... not the other way around. Nancy was simply being the messager. I am so glad she "steps on my toes" from time to time. If we are not growing...we are "shrinking". There is no staying still in our walk with the Lord. And that's what this is all really about...our walk with our Creator. Do we love Him enough to put His desires above our own.
But I don't feel these ladies were saying that we have to look a "stereotype" (like Hollywood)...just giving our personal best. I have two babies and I homeschool a kindergartener and first grader. Busy...Yes! But my day is scheduled by me...not my children. So if I feel as if it will be a crazy day and we haven't had much "couple" time...I'll "schedule" a nap ... for ME so that I'm refreshed for him. That doesn't make me lazy, but shows, I am putting my husband's needs first. Pack and Plays are a wonderful thing if you need a moment. Being a wonderful mother means making our marriage a priority! And believe it or not, we still get play time, giggle time, reading time, and one on one time in there, too. If your days are too busy, pray God will help you determine what is good, better, and best... then take out the good and better. I don't say this to "brag", but to say we are in control of how we honor our Lord by making our husband a priority. We'll all have crazy days...that's what frozen pizzas are for...lol, but let's all look hard at scripture to find what God's desires are...and then faithfully serve! I will be praying for you! Thanks for sharing!"

Mommy (on Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at 9:53 PM)

"Nancy,

I have only recently discovered your ministry and really enjoy the teaching. I realize this was a tough pill to swallow for your female audience, but I have to say as a Christian married man that these are truths about men that women need to understand no matter how painful they may be. I can see through the other postings that not everyone agrees with the message. The truth is, this is something that I believe a lot of women don't want to hear or believe. My wife of 13 years doesn't get it or want to hear it either. She refuses to exercise and is overweight as a result, and expects me to just deal with it and then she gets upset when I notice another woman. Men are bombarded continually every day with images, advertisements, etc of beautiful women doing everything from modeling lingerie to selling auto parts. If that's not enough, men are surrounded by other beautiful women in the workplace every single day. It's painful to hear ladies, but your husband is under intense attack every day and you have a Biblical responsibility, like it or not, to keep your husband's eyes on you and to intoxicate him with your looks. Have you forgotten that how you looked is what attracted him to you in the first place? You represent your husband at all times and everywhere you go, and vice versa - men are not off the hook. How you dress and look is a direct reflection of your attitude toward your husband. Someone had mentioned that the husband wants his needs to be met by his wife and not someone else, and I believe that is absolutely true. But when those needs go unmet, it all too often sets the husband up for a fall. I completely understand that life gets in the way and often it is difficult to find the time to exercise, but making a concerted effort goes a long way in showing your husband that you do care and do want to look good for him."

Patrick (on Tuesday, May 20, 2008 at 2:49 AM)

"After reading the postings here by some women, I'm awfully shocked how rebellious some women can be.
Though I'm not a teenager any more, I guess I was naive to think that some women were so much more pure than what I see now! All I see is rebellious and feminist attitudes of girls that didn't grow up. Don't you see this is burning you inside?

From what I understand, revive our hearts is not a website for men to learn about what needs to be improved. Sure, men have to learn and improve on a lot of issues of our own, of course. Why not stop pointing at others and try to improve yourself? This is all we can all do, anyway...

I find this website very, very refreshing. Before this website, I mostly was hearing about what men need to improve. We were always responsible for all the problems in the marriage issues and with the children, etc, etc, etc...

This website brings the perspective back to a more centered happy medium.
In conclusion, as long as people (men AND women) will not humbly ask Jesus what their REAL purpose in life are, we will always be stuck in feuds of the sexes.

Acceptance is the key for both. This is so true!
Thank you for this amazing show. It gives me hope that marriage MIGHT NOT be completely an obsolete institution.

WARNING: Before getting married: If you are Christian, don't get unequally yoked with a non-Christian. Marriage outside of Christian boundaries is intolerable because spouses keep arguing on every word of God detailed in the Bible.

Thank you Nancy and the whole team!!!

I hope that God will guide me and maybe one day I will meet a Christian woman and find real true love and acceptance through God's eternal Love and Truth.

Thank you."

Anonymous (on Friday, August 1, 2008 at 5:23 PM)

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