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Daily ProgramUnderstanding His Needs30 Series: For Women Only: An Interview with Shaunti Feldhahn and Barbara Rainey Monday, April 14 2008 
Leslie Basham: Does your husband know that you’ll love him for richer or for poorer? Here’s Shaunti Feldhahn. Shaunti Feldhahn: We always say it’s the family that’s the most important, but sometimes we don’t live like it is. To give our husbands that freedom by saying, "It’s okay if we have to downsize if we’re going through a difficult spot. It doesn’t mean you’re not a good provider. I’m just happy that you are my man and that we are together as a family." Leslie: This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. It’s Monday, April 14. Today’s program might not be appropriate for young children. It’s an important topic so get them busy working on something and then come back. Nancy, I think a lot of marriages are going to be transformed by our current series called For Women Only. Nancy Leigh DeMoss: The things we’ve been talking about with our guests, Barbara Rainey and Shaunti Feldhahn, are helpful for married women, but not just for married women. For those of us who are single as well, we’re learning some important things about how to relate to men. The women’s movement has done such a job over the last generation of teaching us how to tear down men, how to belittle them, how to demean them. I’m so thankful, Shaunti, that you’ve written this book, For Women Only, that encourages women to lift up their men, to be their encouragers and their cheerleaders. So thank you for writing this book and for being with us on Revive Our Hearts during this series. Shaunti: Thanks, Nancy. Nancy: Barbara, I love you and appreciate you so much. What a great example you are of so many of these principles to people who have respected FamilyLife Today over the years. They listen to Dennis Rainey and Bob Lepine on the air all the time talking about these principles. What they can’t see is the way that you, as Dennis’s wife, and Mary Ann, as Bob’s wife, are committed to living out in your homes these principles. Not flawlessly. Not perfectly. But you have a commitment that those men need you to be their encourager and their supporter. Thank you so much for being here to add to our conversation this week. Barbara Rainey: You’re welcome. I’m glad to be here. Nancy: Shaunti, you did a survey of over a thousand men: men who are believers; men who are not believers; men from all different socio-economic backgrounds and walks of life. You were just trying to dig into their brains and find out what makes them tick and how they think. As you did, there were seven insights that you gained, seven light bulbs that went off in your head. You called them revelations. It’s like "wake-up moments"—things that to men are probably pretty obvious but as women, we just don’t get. And maybe they don’t get it that we don’t get it. Shaunti: I heard that all the time. One of the most common things from my husband as I would share some of the latest things. Wow! Look what I learned. One of the most common things he would say to me is, “What about this did you not get before?” Nancy: It seemed so obvious. Shaunti: Yes. Nancy: Yet one of the things I realized in your book is that it’s so important for a wife to be a student of her husband. Just as men need to learn, according to 1 Peter 3, "to live with their wives in an understanding way" (verse 7), so a good wife is going to want to study how her husband functions, how he thinks, and not try to shape him into her image but to allow him to be different as God wired him to be different. And then to cherish and celebrate those differences. We have focused most of the past several days on issues of respect for men, how men are fragile, contrary to what impression may be given, and they need the encouragement, the cheering on of their wives. Today I want to talk about another insight that you learned from your survey and that is the need for men to feel that they are providing for their family. Shaunti: It’s interesting. The fact that men want to be the provider is not necessarily a surprise to many of us. What to me was a surprise was that it’s not just a matter of wanting to. It’s this burning and this compulsion that goes so deep into the heart of a man that even if their wife made more than enough money to support the family’s lifestyle, it would make no difference at all to this feeling of compulsion to provide. I think for us women, it’s absolutely critical for us to get it because it is such a part of their identity. Nancy: I believe, Shaunti, that is a God-created wiring in the heart of a man because God created the man to be the priest of his home, the spiritual leader and the provider for that family. God has wired that into the hearts of men. Shaunti: I’ve often heard from men when I talk about this book. The subtitle is What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. Often when they hear that, they kind of wince and think, “What are you going to say?” When I share what the insights were that I gained and the surprises that I learned, they have responded so amazingly and especially on this subject. There is something about the average man that just feels their wife doesn’t get this. They just don’t get what a burden it is. Once we understand that, oh boy, it makes an enormous amount of difference to, for example, us appreciating them and being sympathetic when they have to work long hours rather than complaining, “Why are you working so late again? Don’t you love me and the kids?” The guy thinks he’s saying, “I love you.” Nancy: By working. Shaunti: By working. And we’re criticizing them for it. This is so confusing for them. Nancy: So what is a wife to do? I know, Barbara, your husband works a lot of long hours. He has to travel quite a bit. If you feel like maybe the family needs some more “Dennis time,” and you have six children. They’re gone from the home now, but there had to be times as they were growing up that you felt the stretch and the pull of his work. Barbara: Well, I felt it a lot. I didn’t just feel it a little. I felt it a lot because there were a lot of times when Dennis did have to work a lot and traveled a lot. I think the way we handled it is that we communicated a lot about that topic, and we were always reevaluating our lifestyle and our schedules. I felt free to say to him, “Dennis, I feel like maybe we’re overcommitted right now, or maybe we need to find some ways to relieve some stress in the schedule.” We interacted about that. But I think the key to doing that, if it really is an issue where he is working long hours day after day after day, week after week after week. An occasional long day—that’s nothing to complain about. But if it becomes a real pattern, and it is affecting the children and it is affecting you as a wife, I think as a wife you have to say something. But you have to do it in a respectful way, which is what we’ve been talking about. You have to say when can we have a chance to interact about how this is affecting the children and how it’s affecting me? You have to think it through. It reminds me of Esther—one of my favorite stories in the Old Testament—what she did with her husband, the King. She didn’t just barge in and say, “We’ve got to talk. I don’t like the way you’re handling this. You’ve got to know what’s going on.” She didn’t demand. She didn’t scream. She didn’t cry. She didn’t yell. She just wasn’t argumentative. First of all she prayed. She prayed and had others pray and fast with her for three days. Then she went and she asked permission to present her issue to the King. Nancy: So she was showing respect. Barbara: She showed respect, and she didn’t even present the issue that first time she went in. She went in and said, "I have something I need to talk to you about." That would be the way we would say it. Then she said, “When can we talk about this?” Then they scheduled a time to talk about it. So a wife just needs to understand the dynamics of relating to her husband in respect. It’s okay to talk about his schedule if it is very demanding and how it affects you. But you have to do it in a respectful, loving, compassionate, and a gracious way that understands his burden to provide and then work out a solution between you. Shaunti: The other thing also that I heard from many men, because most men really do feel this tension. Barbara: Well, they’re aware when they’re working late that they’re sacrificing time at home. It’s not like they’re oblivious. Shaunti: Exactly, and we often think that they are. Or we can have the even worse assumption of, “Don’t you love me?” As we already said, that’s the reason they often feel like they need to work like this. In addition to how we approach them, as you so perfectly said, Barbara, that’s a great way—that Esther story is a great example—to go into it with an appreciation for them. Nancy: And a grateful spirit. Shaunti: A grateful spirit to say, “Thank you, honey, for doing this, for feeling like you need to work these long hours. You have to understand how much I appreciate you.” Then one of the things that the men have said is put the solution on them. Men want to be problem solvers. Here’s the issue. How do you think we should solve it? Then stop talking and let them work out how we solve it. For a guy that very much appeals to them. “Great, I am helping solve this problem.” Barbara: We’ve done that too. We’ve gotten out our calendars. And when there’s a particularly busy, stressful season, we’ll look and see when can we have time together? When can we sort of recapture, like you said, some of those lost hours? And you build them into the schedule, which appeals to them because then they can concretely know they’re going to win. They may not be winning at the moment in all areas, but I can win over the long term by scheduling this time here. That’s the way we’ve done it for years. We work out the calendar where we can find some balance. Nancy: Now let’s talk about this whole area of when there is financial pressure for whatever reason. There may be some layoffs or the industry goes under. What does it do to a man when he feels like he can’t provide? How can a wife be the helper and encourager she needs to be at that time? Shaunti: This I’ve heard so many men say is such an enormous issue. One man said he was going through a financially very difficult season. He told me, “I walk through my day all day every day feeling like my skin is being flayed off.” He’s basically saying he has raw wounds every day. His wife can either salve those wounds and comfort him and appreciate and affirm the fact that he wants to be a provider, or she can pour lemon juice into those wounds and just make it all the worse. We have to recognize that this is so much a core of their identity that not providing, they just don’t feel like a man. They just feel very depressed and that they’re just doing a terrible job as a person. Nancy: So if they feel that their wife is fearful or blaming him or putting pressure on him—do something about this—that only worsens the situation. Shaunti: Most guys are doing something about it. They want to. We also have to realize that especially if it’s been a long-term thing and it may look like he’s lost his motivation, trust me, ladies, he hasn’t lost this. This is the way that he’s wired. What it means is that he needs a lot of extra affirmation and help and support from you in him feeling like he can go out and take that risk of rejection and to try over and over again. Again, it’s about creating a safe place for him. Nancy: That’s where a wife really needs to take her burden, her fears, and her concerns to the Lord rather than dumping them on her husband. Say, “Lord, you know how I feel about this. You know this is scary for me.” Ultimately, that woman’s trust is not in her husband. Ultimately, her trust is in the Lord. That’s where she has to go, to the promises of God. She must lay hold of those promises, cling to the Lord, let the Lord give her a stable and an energized and an encouraging spirit even when she may feel very threatened or insecure, but trusting and ultimately know God is the provider. God is the One who’s going to meet our needs. Barbara: I couldn’t agree more, Nancy, because I think when women do that, then they’re in a position to see God provide in a miraculous way. When we’re trying to fix it ourselves and we’re putting pressure on our husbands, then neither one of us have eyes to see what God will do. When a wife can trust God to work through her husband, she frees him up to see God work in his life. Shaunti: Interestingly, we talked to my husband in an earlier segment of this program. He has a start-up business that has been very difficult in some cases for us and for him. “How do I feel like a provider when I’ve got this start-up business?” I told him very early on—thankfully, I was already learning some of this stuff—“You know, honey, if we feel like this is what we’re supposed to do, it is fine. If you try and this doesn’t work, you know what, we can sell the house and downsize. We can move back in with my parents if we have to. It’s okay. We don’t need all this stuff.” Jeff said that gave him such a sense of freedom and relief that, “Oh, she understands.” You know what? I had to realize, and I think women often have to realize that all this stuff is just stuff. We always say it’s the family that’s the most important, but sometimes we don’t live like it is. To give our husbands that freedom of, "It’s okay if we have to downsize if we’re going through a difficult spot. It doesn’t mean you’re not a good provider. I’m just happy that you are my man and that we are together as a family." That’s a huge relief for them. Nancy: Shaunti, as you were doing this survey, one of the things that was very clear was that men want more sex. Now that probably wasn’t eye-opening for you and won’t be to any of our women listeners, but as you surveyed these thousand men, you found there’s more behind that reality than just the fact that men want more sex. Shaunti: What really was a surprise to me anyway was that for men it wasn’t even really about getting more sex. It was about feeling wanted and desired by their wives. The feeling wanted and desired by their wives gives them the sense of confidence and the sense of wellbeing in the rest of their life. To me as a woman, I have always placed physical intimacy in marriage in the category of “it’s just one of his physical needs.” It’s a physical need. I have two small preschool children. When you’ve been pulled on by little hands all day, sleep seems like a physical need. Instead, what I realized, what I was hearing from these men was that instead it gave them this enormous emotional input, as you so aptly said of this man, this is the most clear way that a wife can say to her husband, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” That sense of being wanted and desired by their wife salves a deep sense of isolation that men go through their life feeling and gives them a wonderful sense of wellbeing in the rest of their life. Suddenly, it doesn’t seem like just a physical need. Barbara: Well, it really isn’t a physical need. It’s interesting as you were explaining all of that. It reminded me of something that Dennis and I have talked about through the years, and that is that he has said, “You know, when you’re taking care of me and when I feel wanted by you and when I feel like things are good in the physical side of our marriage, I feel like I can conquer the world. I feel like I’m so much more effective at work.” So the line has become between us, “Are you going to be effective tomorrow?” [Laughter] It really is true because it transcends more than just the physical need. It so ministers to the soul of a man, and he does feel confident. He does feel competent. He does feel like he is who God made him to be when his wife supports him and receives him and welcomes him in that side of his life. Shaunti: The thing that really struck me when you said, Nancy, you get so many emails from women. There’s so much pain and misunderstanding in this area. In all honesty, that is what I heard from so many men is that they feel this deep sense of when there isn’t that relationship with their wife, when they don’t feel wanted and desired by their wife, the immense amount of pain and isolation and depression and rejection that they feel. It affects everything else in the rest of their life, which shouldn’t surprise us. If feeling wanted by their wife gives them a sense of wellbeing in everything else, it shouldn’t surprise us that feeling unwanted and rejected by their wife gives them this nagging, thorough sense of depression and a lack of wellbeing and everything else. Nancy: Well, maybe a wife could imagine how she would feel if her husband stopped talking to her. Shaunti: Yes. It’s exactly the same thing. Nancy: It would create this great emotional vacuum and need in her life. I don’t think that many women realize that for men the need for physical intimacy to be desired by their wife meets that kind of need in their life. Shaunti: Absolutely. I personally think that once we women get this, once our eyes are opened to this particular light bulb—the ah ha moment—suddenly when you stop comparing it as simply a physical need and somehow it doesn’t seem comparable to sleep. Sometimes sleep is going to win. But when you stop comparing it simply as a physical need, suddenly you realize this is a wonderful gift that you can give your husband. It’s a joy to experience this. Suddenly you realize how much better it makes everything else in your marital relationship and everything just works right. It’s the way God designed our marriages to work. Nancy: Your survey revealed that even if men could have enough sex, if they could be sexually satisfied, if they didn’t feel that their wife desired them, that wasn’t enough. Shaunti: It was amazing to me that when I asked the men, the vast majority said, “Even if I got enough sex, it wouldn’t matter if I didn’t feel desired by my wife.” One man said something that I didn’t quite get. He said, ”A man would rather go out and clip hedges in the freezing rain than make love to a wife who seems to be responding out of duty.” Because sometimes we think, “Well, he needs it. I’ll just give it to him.” When I heard this, I went to my husband and said, “I don’t understand it because he’s still getting sex.” That was sort of what I thought. Jeff said, “You’re not understanding. If she is only responding because she has to, he’s being rejected.” Nancy: The hedges aren’t going to reject him. [Laughter] Shaunti: The hedges aren’t going to reject him. At least he can feel some sense of accomplishment. But that is one area that we have to make a switch. I would just encourage you. The next time you think, ”My husband needs more sex, or well, I’ll do my wifely duty and put up with it.” No. Substitute instead of he needs more sex, substitute he needs to feel wanted by me. Barbara: Because if it’s just a duty, it’s empty and it’s hollow. Therefore, it’s meaningless. It makes sense when you think of it that way. Shaunti: It does. It’s interesting. One thing that one man said that I would never in a million years as a woman have noticed is, “Have you ever wondered why some men are drawn to pornography? Why would this be the case? It’s not like they’re getting any sex from it.” He said, “I’ll tell you the reason why. That picture of that woman in the magazine or on the Internet conveys one message to men. Just one. And that message is, ‘I want you.’” He said, “That is what every man wants to feel from his wife.” Nancy: So, Barbara, we’re talking to a lot of women who don’t feel that desire for their husband. They say, “I don’t desire him in that way. This is not a priority for me. How can I make him feel that I do desire him? How can I communicate that when I really don’t feel that way?” Barbara: Well, I think it’s like we’ve talked about in some earlier sessions about respect. It goes back to your heart attitude, and it goes back to prayer. I really believe prayer should be a very important part of sexual intimacy in a marriage. A woman needs to pray that God would give her that desire. That God would give her the eyes to see her husband the way God sees him. That she would be willing to see him the way he is and to understand his need and to have compassion on him as a man. All of that will motivate a woman to want to give herself to her husband and to want to invite him into that kind of relationship. There are times in a marriage when your heart may not be in it, and you’ve had a horrible day with the kids, and you’re tired, and you’re worn out. So that’s the reality of the kind of relationship you’re going to have, but you can’t live in that. You have to move toward meeting his needs and understanding at the core of what he’s looking for from you and be willing to meet that need. Shaunti: And recognize that for him this is such a priority that many of the things that fill our days, that get us exhausted are not necessarily his priorities. He would love it if we would . . . it’s okay if the floor didn’t get mopped this week. If whatever it is that I can do, many men have told me, to take this feeling of these checklists off of my wife’s plate so that she had the time and the energy to make a priority of this for me. Because really, honestly, a lot of this just does come down to what’s the priority in our marriage. For every single man that I interviewed and all of the men on the survey, it was very clear. This is a priority. All those other things are good things. But they want us to start making them a priority in this way. Nancy: I think it’s important that wives realize that their husband is not strange or weird for feeling this way. If we go back to the second chapter in the whole Bible, Genesis chapter 2, the Scripture says that God said, ”It is not good for man to be alone” (verse 18, paraphrased). There was this sense of aloneness. He was not complete. So what did God do? He makes a woman. He gives her to the man. Then the Scripture says, “For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother, cleave to his wife, and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, paraphrased). It’s that physical relationship, that sexual intimacy that is God’s designed and intended way to meet that deep need in the heart of your man. Leslie: That’s Nancy Leigh DeMoss talking with Barbara Rainey and Shaunti Feldhahn about ways a wife can be sensitive to her husband’s needs. Shaunti’s written a book that can help you understand your husband a lot better in terms of physical intimacy and in the words that we use. Every wife should read For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men. We’ll send you a copy along with this complete conversation on CD when you make a donation to the ministry of Revive Our Hearts. You can make your donation by phone: 1-800-569-5959. When you call, make sure to ask for the book For Women Only and the CD series. We want to be sure we get you the right book or series you’re calling about when you donate so make sure and let us know. You can do the same thing online. Just visit ReviveOurHearts.com. While you’re there, you can read the comments on our listener blog. A topic like today’s generates a lot of discussion. Each couple is unique and faces their own challenges. You can hear some honest feedback and leave some yourself on the listener blog at ReviveOurHearts.com. God can help us fulfill our duty to our husbands. But He can also help us to go from duty to desire. Find out more tomorrow on Revive Our Hearts. Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries. Note: Special offers available only during the broadcast of the radio series. 
Read and post comments about: Understanding His Needs*The following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate.
 Cindy (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 8:00 AM)
"Thank you for your words this morning. I have been struggling with sex in my marriage for 40 years....I too had always seen it as a physical need...never as something my husband needed to feel "worthy" and built up. Thank you again for the new perspective. Hugs JoAnn" Joann (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 9:03 AM)
"Thank you for this morning program. It was a true eye opener to me. For me to now start in prayer that God may give me the desires and eyes to see my husband as God sees him and have compassion and understanding towards him. Thank you so much. Elisa (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 9:50 AM)
"This morning's message was a real eye opener to me. I have only been married 5 years and I always thought of my husband as a workaholic and not a provider. All along he has been showing his love for me through providing. I feel so ashamed of how I have been looking at this. Thanks for the enlightening message. I will now look at things more differently and appreciate his love for me!!" Michelle (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 10:22 AM)
"I was thrown off balance when my husband started running up bills and not paying them. I was prepared to "for better or worse" if something beyond our control caused us to have financial problems, but when he ruined our finances on purpose, I didn't know what to do or how to react. I expected him to have our family's best interests at heart. How can you respect someone who does things like this? It is hard." Rhonda (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 10:39 AM)
"Thank you so much for today's program (and the two previous). I have cut and pasted the transcripts into a word doc so I can easily go back and re-read. Today's program had lots for me. Thank you for letting God use you in such a powerful way. I am beginning even now at work to pray for God to forgive and change me and help me show more love to my husband. God continue to bless your work." Karen (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 11:11 AM)
"You touch upon one of the aspects of love-making. The issue is not actually that a husband has to do this at every opportunity, but that **refusal** without making the man feel wanted is the problem. A man can be considerate to his wife (I think men want to in this) and not demand the physical consumation every time. Refusal with "I love you but can we do it later" avoids the destructive sense of rejection which unexplained refusal or "Do you _have_ to!" produces. Consequence - I don't _have_ to buy you flowers. I don't _have_ to help with housework, etc. Robert (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 11:36 AM)
"I was angry as I listened to you speak. I know your husbands aren't perfect but you make it sound so easy. Maybe this particular program is for women whose marriages are okay to begin with and they can put aside how tired they are and give themselves totally to their husbands and just need to understand a little better. But what about those of us who are so beaten down, the last thing they want to do is have sex! I've done it all for years. Counseling, books, seminars, you name it, I've done it and we've even done some of this together. He's okay with it until the subject matter requires him to actually do some changing. Two weeks ago, he pushed me over the edge and now my feeling is that "I'm done!" I can hardly look at him now. Call him "honey"???? I don't think so. Sex? If I was capable of having sex with a man I disrepect and don't like very much, I'd become a hooker. Am I talking about a man who is a monster in some form or fashion? Nope? He's a hard working, clean cut, old fashioned, honest, humble guy. He's actually easy to get along with and the one you want on your side, unless you're me. Does he beat me? No, but he tears me down just the same and keeps me in a constant state of unhappiness. We were separated for two years at one point and during that time I developed an intimate relationship with God and it was wonderful. Now? I've let God go. I know exactly what I am supposed to be doing but I feel so rejected and tired that I can't seem to do things differently any more. I'm still shaking my head from listening to your program. I have to wonder how many other women sat there shaking their heads too . . . wanting things to be different but feeling "done" with it all. I'm sorry for the negativity but your program turned my normal optimistic, hopeful demeanor into something else." Leah (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 1:18 PM)
"As I listened to today's show, I felt myself getting angrier and angrier. My husband and I have not had sex in over 6 months. He doesn't feel the need for sex now that we are done having children. J (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 1:19 PM)
"Dear Leah and J, Sylvia (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 2:00 PM)
"I too was very upset by your program today. My huand and I have not had sex for nearly 3 years! I want it but he doesn't. He says he needs to lose weight first - he is very overweight, but I love him very much and don't necessarily care about the "act", but I never even get cuddling or holding or anything. He is totally tue to me and is not having his needs met elsewhere. If you read the medical information, you will see that there is indeed a small percentage of men who truly have no interest in sex. They are the minority, but they are out there! Please never say "all men.........." again, because there are always exceptions." G (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 3:00 PM)
"I believe it is "right thing to do" to study this Bruce (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 3:05 PM)
"Thank you, Nancy, Shaunti and Barbara. Leslie.s (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 4:22 PM)
"Nancy, I've been listening to your show since the beginning and as a man I have learned many things about women from your show. Thank you for that!! Today's program caused both joy and sadness for me. Joy because Shaunti's book really reveals what I've been feeling for a number of years and hopefully this will help repair many marriages. The sadness is because I've been living in this type of marriage for 20 years and I've been trying to explain these things to my wife for a long time, to no avail. Disrespect is exactly the key to this situation. I have a good paying job. I've been promoted numerous times and make good money. I don't hang out with my buddies at the bar after work. I come straight home and do my best to be the best husband and father I can. The disrespect that my wife shows me has now infected my 17 year old daughter, and even to some degree my 20 year old sons (yes, twins). The disrespect has affected our sex life in the exact way that Shaunti describes. I'd like to purchase this book and give it to my wife, but when I've tried to do this before, she resents it because she's convinced that it's my fault and that there isn't anything she needs to change. I've resigned myself to the life I have and will continue to be faithful to her, but I do pray that this information will help those wives who will listen to this advice and really think about it. Also, the one thing that was touched on but not really said today was the subject of affairs. As I've contemplated this over the years, I've realized that what I'm really looking for is someone who wants to be with me physically; someone who's really attracted to me in that way. Your right, it's not just about having sex, it's about the emotional satisfaction of being with someone who wants to be with you, not because they're obligated to because they're your wife, but because they really want to. My wife has tried "scheduling" sex, and I'm completely put off by that. She doesn't understand why I'm not interested in that. When I tell her that "I'm always interested, so just let me know when you're interested and we'll have a good time", she gets really angry with me. Really, I'd rather go for months without sex and wait until she wants to rather than just "doing it and get it over with" as she says. Anyway, thanks again to Shaunti for taking the time to interview men in search of the real truth and thanks to the guys for opening up about this and providing you with the crucial information regarding this issue. God Bless you Nancy for your ministry!!" Jeff (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 4:55 PM)
"When I read the frustration that is coming from many women here, all I can say is to follow God. Remember that human beings are imperfect; and that for every mean act your husband does, what have you done? You know, whenever I look at anyone critically, I then look at myself on things that I am not so great with. I can sometimes be very critical, and cut people down with just a glance (unfortunately); but I need and am working on it, and have progressively changed. One cannot just look at what he needs to do, and how he should merit this and that. Do we merit grace from God? Did we merit for Him to be bloodied on the cross? There, by no contest, is a resounding--no! I don't know the individual problems that everyone has, but all I can say is that when you follow Jesus' example of granting grace, and doing good even though when it seems they don't deserve it, then you do see a change in things. Also, I see how much outside CHRISTIAN help really works in situations. Christian counselors give you a great perspective on opening discussions up on matters. rnrnP.S. For the writer who had the husband that has weight issues, try encouraging him to run every morning. Perhaps he will see your motivation as a motivation for him (perhaps you have already tried it, but it's just a thought). rnRemember that life was not great at all for Jesus on this earth, and if it was not too great for Him, and He dealt with it (being both fully God and man). It wasn't easy, but is was worth it. God bless to all of you." Jj (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 5:05 PM)
"Dear angry listeners, Mathil (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 8:15 PM)
"What if he's been unfaithful? It's not so easy to love him physically then. Mind you, I have never withheld, neither before or after the unfaithfulness. I know God is the answer, He has done so much for our marriage already, but there is a sense of awkwardness when it comes to physical interaction." Me (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 9:42 PM)
"You show today describes my situation and feelings exactly. My wife never wants sex." Bob (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 9:51 PM)
"All i can say is thank you for speaking my taught out loud to me .. I was begining to HATE SEX AND HATE BEING INTIMATE WITH MY WIFE .>Thank you very much and may God continue to BLESS YOU ........" Mckenzie (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 10:19 PM)
"I think what we all need to understand is that as Christians we are called to love like Jesus loves: sacrificially. It is the understanding that we are not just submitting to our husbands and giving into their needs; we are doing what God has called us to do as wives. When we are wiling to reach out and love, even when it is painful, and seems to get no results for ourselves in the form of changed behavior on the part of our husband, what we can be sure of is that we are glorifying God. Is that not our highest priority? We are called to take up our cross. Why do we always look to our husband to justify us, to make us happy and whole? Is that not the job of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? Have we not made the vow, "for better or for worse"? I know there are difficult situations and difficult husbands. Jesus never promised it would be easy. In fact, He promised life would be difficult for those of us who follow after Him. But we have to keep our focus on Jesus. He died for a world that hates Him. Why can't we love and respect a husband who seems unloveable and unrespectable? It's not like we have to die for his sins. The thing is, if we could focus on Jesus, be obedient to His commands of loving as He loved, and learn to die to self, we should be thankful for our husbands because a difficult marriage can drive us closer to God, which should be our deepest desire, not a happy, satisfying marriage. Sex with a man who is unloving can be extremely heart breaking and Satan can tell us the lie that we are degrading ourselves because we don't feel love or loved. But we have been called to put the needs of our husband, whether it is for sex or not for sex, ahead of our own needs and stop worring or resenting that he won't change. We must look to God to fulfill EVERY need we have and seek to be a blessing and not a curse! We must ask Him to heal what ever it is inside of us that keeps us from feeling desire for our husbands or forgive us of the sins that cause us to withhold ourselves. I have used sex to manipulate. I have used it for revenge. I have been an adulteress. I have use it to make me feel loved. I went through a season where I felt little attraction to my husband because of shame and guilt. But God has and is healing me in ways that have been so unexpected in the recent months. I know that He has blessed me because I have gone against my inclination to withhold myself or ignore my husband's needs. I do feel attraction to him again. But it is only because of God's mercy and I also believe it is because Jesus is after my husband's heart and the more I bless him, the more tender he becomes to the Lord. I don't want to have to face God on that Last Day and have to explain why I was a stumbling block to my husband's relationship with God simply because I refused to put down my pride and serve him in all the ways God has called me to. I cannot save my husband through serving him as a wife, but I don't want to be a source of anger and bitterness which will keep hiim from heaven. Sleeping with your husband can be worship because loving him is what God made you for! Let your joy begin there!" Laura (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 10:45 PM)
"Dear Leah, G, & J, S (on Monday, April 14, 2008 at 11:32 PM)
"J.G, and L I was relieved to see your letters to know that I am not the only one married to someone who has no interest in sex. I thought it was my fault (not that I'm saying that I have been the perfect wife); that I must not be lovable. My husband has an eye for 'sex appeal', but it didn't translate to our relationship. More recently I read John Gray's Mars&Venus Diet and Exercise Solution, to find that it has a lot to do with men's seritonin levels. That was a great relief to me. I'm not saying that things are perfect now, but I no longer beat myself up over something that is not my problem. I am taking the 30 day challenge, and it has been good for me. My circumstances haven't changed as much as my attitude, and I thank God for that. I am praying for all of you ladies who may be feeling like mistakes. You aren't. God knows the challenge He has allowed for us. "J"" J (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 1:52 PM)
"Leah- From the tone of your comments, it is clear you are bitter......I'm sure your circumstances are very hard......But you have said yourself that you have given up on God. Maybe that's part of the problem. The other part might be in thinking how your needs aren't being met, how tired you are, how you are being torn down. Take the focus off of you and put it on God....and pray for your attitude to change....." Susan (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 6:00 PM)
"I've realized that it's important to show our husbands respect and learned long ago that my husband desired sex more than I might, but to hear today that his need is for me to desire him, was a huge insight. Thanks so very much. Thank you for continuing to call us to godly living, seeking to be a follower of Christ." Margaret (on Tuesday, April 15, 2008 at 9:56 PM)
"I was just wondering if there is another side of men. That all men want more sex, to me is not accurate, atleast not in my marriage. My need for intimacy is far greater than my husbands and it has been like this from the beginning when we married four years ago. I feel like it's just as hurtful to me when he is uninterested in me physically because all you ever hear is that men want sex. So when my husband does not, or does it out of duty, I feel very insecure about it. Do you have any advise to us out there that our husbands do not follow this norm?" Please (on Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 10:56 AM)
"This was a very good program today, I only wish that I could live out these principles in my own life. All you ladies that have a husband that still desires you, don't reject him! If only I had this kind of teaching 15 years ago, I wouldn't be in the situation I am in now with my husband. You see, I rejected him and didn't want to "give" to another person when the evening came because I was worn out from "giving" all day to infants and toddlers through the years. I spoke volumes to my husband - that I didn't love him! Now, the damage has been done, and my husband has fallen out of love with me and he no longer desires me. He slowly left the marriage emotionally, bought a place to live so he could "get some time alone" and ended up having an affair. Through much prayer and staying obedient to God's word and not giving up and showing him that I still loved him, no matter what, he has come back home, but he still does not "love me the way a man should love his wife". He blames my weight, but I think that is just an excuse, because he loved me with the extra weight before and I've actually been working out, toning up, and losing weight. So, that is just an excuse. So my advice to you women who still have a husband who desires you - don't let it slip away! It is awful to lay next to your husband for 1.5 years and not have him touch you or want you. I continue to have hope and faith and believe that God will restore my marriage and it will be better than it ever has been." A (on Wednesday, April 16, 2008 at 3:09 PM)
"Thank you for your Christian boldness for discussing a topic that most adults less alone Christian adults are a shamed to talk about. Today, more than 50% of Christian marriages fail because of mis-communication about sex. Your dialogue was fair for a man's perspective, you hit the nail on the head about how men feel. GOD created us man with an innant desire for his help mate. I feel sadden that so many wives do not understand that her husband in purely desiring sex but he is desiring her wholeness as his GOD giving mate. Ken (on Thursday, April 17, 2008 at 3:21 AM)
"Leah--I've been reading your email posts and I bet you represent countless other women's sentiments! I share with you in your pain. Bea (on Saturday, April 19, 2008 at 7:08 PM)
"Hei ladies i discovered this website 2days ago, and it is realy a blessing to me. I have just realised how much much i have been hurting my husband in many way. Im intending to pay back for all this hurt. God bless." Mmak (on Monday, April 21, 2008 at 1:35 PM)
"My advice is to throw the Holy Spirit into your sex life. When I felt that my husband was a selfish pig and didn't love me, I couldn't imagine making love to him anymore, but I knew this was sin. I'm a rape victim (a complete stranger brutalized me before we were married, and my husband and I were both virgins on our wedding day because the rape didn't count. Sex was physically painful for me for two years until I got pregnant and something loosened up. (I never withheld myself from my husband, by the way, but fully participated.) But after being married for 9 years, I came to a place of agony when I felt unloved to the core of my being and didn't know if I could have sex anymore. I pictured throwing my naked body on an altar, and I asked God to possess me to make love to my husband. He did, and it was AWESOME!!!! I now have the Song of Solomon with my husband. I felt like I was one with God, one with my husband, He gave me my virginity back, and I had a spiritual orgasm. My spirit fluttered!!!! I didn't know that this was possible! Now sex is exploratory, it's clean and holy (because God was doing these things through me), and sex with my husband is mind-blowing. Susan (on Thursday, November 27, 2008 at 5:28 PM)
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"I've read this book and know first-hand the power it holds. To put my husband's needs ahead of my own has radically changed our marriage. Even in regard to sex. The fighting has stopped and the loving has begun.
Praise God!"