Roots of Bitterness

Series: Forgiveness: Setting Your Captives Free

Leslie Basham: Here’s Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: People who are not forbearing, who are not forgiving, generally become hard and cold. They often become depressed and even physically sick. There are many physical ailments today that doctors will tell you are affected by our unwillingness to forgive.

Leslie Basham: It’s Tuesday, October 3rd, and this is Revive Our Hearts with author and speaker Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

What comes to mind when I say bitterness? Maybe some kind of food like baking chocolate without sugar? Do you think about sin when I say bitterness? You should according to Nancy Leigh DeMoss. When you admit how serious bitterness is, you can deal with it appropriately.

If your life is bitter, God’s grace can be like the sugar that gets added to baking chocolate, making something great. Here’s Nancy to tell you more in a series called Forgiveness: Setting Your Captives Free.

Nancy: We’re dealing this week with what I think is one of the greatest needs in our world today and also in our evangelical churches—that is this whole issue of bitterness. I want to talk today about what bitterness is and what it will do to us, why we have it, and how we can deal with it.

There are several words that the New Testament associates with bitterness. And I want to just give you a look at some of those because it will give us a feel of why bitterness is so serious. For example, in Ephesians 4:31 bitterness is linked with rage, with anger, and with malice. It’s not a good thing.

In Colossians 3:19 bitterness is contrasted with love. It says, “Husbands love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.” Now interestingly, some of the translations read it just the way I did. “Do not be bitter with them.” Some of the other translations say, “Do not be harsh with your wives.” So husbands are not to be bitter toward their wives; they’re not to be harsh toward them.

Isn’t it interesting that one word can be translated both ways? Bitterness invariably gets linked with harsh behavior. If you’re bitter towards someone, you’re not going to speak graciously or sweetly to them, typically, or about them. There’s going to be harshness that comes with that bitterness.

And then in Romans 3:14, bitterness is associated with cursing. In James 3:14 bitterness is tied to jealousy. Cursing, harsh treatment, rage, anger, malice—do you want those things to be in your life? No, you don’t. But why do we let roots of bitterness stay in our hearts?

Bitterness grieves the Spirit of God. That’s probably the worst thing about it. It grieves the Spirit of God. It demonstrates a lack of trust in God’s plan and in His love. It demonstrates resistance of the will of God. We don’t like what God has done. We don’t like the choices He’s made. Now we may not say we’re bitter toward God. It may be that ex-mate or that boss or that neighbor or that child that is the focus of our bitterness, but ultimately all bitterness is directed against God.

So bitterness grieves the Spirit of God because it’s a resistance against God. But our bitterness also affects others. People who are not forbearing, who are not forgiving, generally become hard and cold. They often become depressed and even physically sick. There are many physical ailments today that doctors will tell you are affected by our unwillingness to forgive.

People who are bitter become hard to live with. They can become negative, critical, cantankerous. I don’t want to be a bitter woman. But you know, it’s easier to see bitterness in other people than it is to see in ourselves. That’s why we need people around us who love us enough to say, “Do you need to deal with an issue of forgiveness? Could you be becoming bitter?”

So not only does bitterness grieve the Spirit of God and affect others around us, but ultimately it will destroy you. It’s like an acid. It destroys the container in which it’s held. It’s so destructive.

Now bitterness is a wrong response to people and circumstances over which we have no control, things we can’t change, things we can’t fix. And we become bitter in our response to them.

Let me ask you to turn in your Bibles to Hebrews 12. I want us to examine a passage that talks to us about God’s perspective on dealing with trouble, hardship, and painful circumstances. Hebrews 12, and we read beginning in verse 5, “My son [my child], do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved of him.”

So the whole subject of this passage is the discipline of the Lord. Some of your translations will say “chastening,” his discipline, his chastening. We’re going to see that God’s discipline is intended for the good of His children. He’s our Heavenly Father, and He’s inflicting various types of chastening and discipline on His children for their good.

So He says, “When you experience the discipline of the Lord, don’t regard it lightly.” That is, don’t fail to take it seriously. “And don’t be weary.” Some of your translations say, “Don’t faint; don’t give up.” Don’t despair when you’re experiencing the discipline of the Lord through the circumstances of life. But instead, see those circumstances, the writer is going on to say, as an expression of God’s love.

You say God must love me an awful lot to let me experience all these circumstances. You know what? He does. Not only are those circumstances an expression of God’s love for you, but they’re also an evidence of your relationship with God.

Look at verse 6. “For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” If you’re being chastened by the Lord, it’s an evidence that you’re a child of God.”

And so he goes on to say in verse 7, “It’s for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you were left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the father of spirits and live?” (verses 7-9).

So what is to be our response to the disciplining hand of God—these circumstances in life that are disappointing; they’re hurtful; they’re painful; they’re hard? Rather than becoming bitter over them, what are we to do? We are to endure them. We’re to submit to our Father’s hand and heart, who is bringing these circumstances into our lives for our good.

God intends for this experience, whatever it is that you’re going through that is creating those feelings of bitterness, God intends for that experience to actually be profitable for you. You say, “How could it be profitable?” Well, look at the next paragraph.

Verse 10, “For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant. But later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (verses 10-11).

So the writer to the Hebrews is saying, “There’s an end in sight. There’s an objective. God has a purpose in this. He wants to produce the fruit of righteousness in your life.” So yes, you have to endure the painful discipline and chastening hand of God in order to get from here to there. So don’t become bitter. Don’t throw up your hands in despair. Don’t give up. Don’t faint. Don’t drop out of the race. Don’t lash out at the people or the circumstances that have hurt you. Trust your Father’s hand and heart. This is for your good.

“Therefore,” he says, verse 12, “lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord” (verses 12-14).

What does that paragraph say? It says, “Press on through the discipline, through the pain. Don’t drop out of the race.” I’ve watched a marathon runner in that last part of the marathon, and I’ve seen my friend just with drooping hands and weak knees and just wanting to give up before the finish line. But there are people there on the sidelines cheering and saying, “You can make it! You can make it!” That’s easy to say when you’re on the sidelines, right?

But God stands on the sidelines and says to us, “Lift up those drooping hands. Strengthen your weak knees. Don’t drop out of the race.” Then the writer says here, “God wants to use this discipline to heal what is lame in you.”

There are parts of our spiritual bodies that are weak, that are needy, that are fragile, that need to be strengthened. God uses the pain and the discipline to heal that which is lame. There’s a positive process taking place here through the discipline.

God wants us to, in the midst of this, strive to live at peace with those who are around us, including those who may have caused your pain. Strive for peace with everyone.

Now you are not responsible for how the offender relates to you, but you are responsible for how you relate to the offender. Strive for peace with everyone. Get rid of the bitterness! This person is an instrument in God’s hand. Let God have His way in your life, and trust God to have His way in the offender’s life as well.

Strive not only for peace, but also, he says, "for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord."What does that mean? I think the writer is saying, “Have a holy response to the pain.” Why?

Because through the pain you are going to see and experience God in a way that might not otherwise have been possible. Pursue holiness without which no one will see the Lord. You can’t become holy without the pain, and you can’t see God without the holiness. So if you want to see the Lord, you want to have an intimate relationship with Him, you’ve got to be willing to submit to the pain.

I talked with a friend recently whose husband’s business partner has been making some very foolish and ugly decisions that may drive this business into bankruptcy. The partner knows it, doesn’t care, is pursuing this course of action anyway. As I listened to this story I thought, “My friend really could be bitter toward this business partner of her husband’s.”

But instead it was so sweet to see the way that this woman is pursuing peace, she and her husband. They’re seeking a godly resolution to the conflict. And just as we talked—and there’s no end in sight yet; she doesn’t know how it’s going to end. They may go bankrupt. But to hear in my friend and to sense in her the great joy and freedom and the sweet fruit that is being developed in her life through this hard, long, painful process. She said, “I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

Now, she’s not saying that looking back. She’s saying that in the midst of the fire. That’s a holy response to the pain. Then the writer closes, “See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled” (verse 15).

That’s the alternative. If you don’t receive God’s grace, you’ll become bitter. God has grace to give you for that trial, for that struggle, for that problem, for that disappointment. But if you don’t humble yourself and receive His grace, you will become bitter. That bitterness will trouble you, and it will defile many people around you.

So what’s the cure for bitterness? Receive and appropriate the grace of God to deal with your circumstance, to respond to that difficult person. So learn to see God’s hand in your circumstances, His purposes, His design. And receive the trial as a gift from God intended for your good, for your sanctification.

God is wanting to conform you to the image of Christ, and He will use that circumstance to do that if you won’t become bitter. As you go through it, call on God as we’ve been learning to do through this series. Call on God for grace. “Lord, I can’t handle this person. I can’t handle this circumstance. I can’t handle this pain. I need You.”

Again and again and again God will send His grace racing to the scene of your need. Then look beyond the immediate circumstances to the ultimate outcome that God wants to bring about in your life. What is it? He’s making you holy. He’s making you like Jesus—Jesus who learned obedience through the things which He suffered.

You see, if you can see the final outcome which is holiness, Christ-likeness, the glory of God in your life, wouldn’t you be willing to endure rather than to become bitter? It’s really your choice whether you end up a bitter, angry, resentful person or you end up holy, Christ-like because you received those circumstances from the hand of God as a gift from God; and you chose to receive the grace of God rather than becoming bitter.

Leslie Basham: Which path are you on? Are you headed toward bitterness or freedom? Nancy Leigh DeMoss has been showing us the danger of bitterness, and she’s invited some friends into the studio to talk about their experiences. We’ll hear from Holly Elliff, Kim Wagner, and Kathy Helvey.

But first, here’s Maria Johnson talking about a choice she needed to make between bitterness and forgiveness.

Maria Johnson: A friend stopped me at a break at a conference and just said, “Maria, you will never go on in your walk with the Lord until you make things right about your mother.” Well, my mother was still alive, thankfully. I was stunned. What does my mother being a bad mother have to do with my walk with the Lord?

That was the first indication. And then the Lord began showing me (and I did have a wonderful last 11 years with my mom). The Lord said for me to be the daughter He wanted me to be, regardless of what kind of mother she was or even if she responded or appreciated my reaching out to her (it was really wonderful).

But the way, the way the Lord began showing me that I was that bitter was every opportunity I had I told my mother’s faults in detail or my father’s or my sibling’s or my friends’ or the preacher or the choir director. I mean, it didn’t matter who. But I was so critical. And maybe it was an offense against me or maybe someone else, but my rationalization was, “Well, it’s true.”

But you know, that is wrong. But that is one way that we can tell if we’re bitter is that every time we see them or remember the event, see a picture of them, hear someone talk about them then that’s where our mind starts going. And it’s neat to be free of that.

Holly Elliff: Well, that critical spirit, that judgmental spirit, you know where you feel so justified in carrying your bitterness and anger and forgiveness because they were wrong. And you have judged them.

Kathy Helvey: But you don’t even realize it’s bitterness.

Nancy: It’s much more acceptable today to say, “I was hurt. We have a therapeutic society. You can go on talk shows and make good money today talking about how you’ve been hurt, how you’ve been wronged, how your parents did this or didn’t do that, much of which sadly is true. There is so much pain in this very broken world.

But to say, “I’ve been hurt,” or, “I’ve been wronged,” or, “I’ve been wounded,” in a sense is to suggest that I’m a victim, that I have no responsibility for my response to that issue. So the weight, the problem the ownership is on the person who wronged me.

Now, it’s not to say they weren’t very wrong. But as long as we’re putting the focus on what they have done wrong to wound me, we’re setting ourselves up for bitterness that we may not even call bitterness.

Because if I say I’m bitter . . . I very rarely have women say to me, “I’m bitter.” They say, “My mother did this,” or, “My husband did this.” But they don’t say, “I’m bitter.” They don’t say, “I’m unforgiving.” Because if we use those words it sounds like I’m responsible.

Kim Wagner: Well, I think the way you put it Nancy is so true, that we want to put the responsibility on the offender to get things right with me. Then that takes the responsibility off of me and it is not necessary for me to do anything.

What we’ve got to recognize is that my unforgiveness is a sin against God.

Holly: I say to my kids all the time when I’m settling issues, which I do a lot because I have a lot of children . . . I say to my kids all the time, “What is your responsibility? I know your brother did this or your sister did this or the neighbor did this, but what is your responsibility? That’s a question that I’ve had to allow the Lord to ask me at times is regardless of what they did, what is your responsibility? What is my responsibility?

Because, as we said a minute ago, it is a choice to choose to forgive. To choose to respond God’s way so it won’t break my fellowship with the Lord is a choice. I know all of us around this table have made that choice many times.

Kathy: What helps me make that choice, Holly, is to no longer focus; I must stop focusing on the offense, and I have to start focusing on God’s forgiveness in my life, on who He is, and on recognizing in my holding onto anything is placing myself actually in the position of God.

Remember what Joseph asked his brothers in Genesis 50 when they’re coming to him in fear wondering, “Are you going to retaliate for the wrongs that we’ve committed against you?” And he says, “Am I in the position of God?” (verse 19). In other words, if we’re unwilling to forgive others we’re setting ourselves up as a sinless participant in the universe as God.

Kim: Doesn’t it bring us full circle back to how we get in that mode of justifying? It breaks our relationship with God. And there we are lacking.

Holly: Ultimately, when we do that we usurp God’s authority in our life because we are saying, “God, I know better than You do because You’re telling me to forgive and I’m choosing not to forgive. I want my rights in the circumstance.”

Kim: In dealing with this issue of forgiveness, it would help for us to start looking at ways that we are easily offended, that we are giving into that temptation of self-pity. I know when the Lord opened my eyes to self-pity and that temptation to give in to that, He gave me the passage in Hebrews 12:1-4 because it was such, to me, a watermark in my life where God taught me about giving into self-pity.

I won’t quote the whole passage, but it tells us to fix our eyes, focus our eyes on Jesus Christ the Author and Perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, endured the suffering. And verse 4 tells us that, remember, we have not yet shed one drop of blood in our striving against sin.

The offenses that have been committed against me, yes, I’m not denying that they’re painful or that they come from the depravity of man or sometimes from my own foolish mistakes. I bring on some of that pain and hurt. But in all of the hurt that I’ve gone through I’ve never shed a drop in striving against sin, and I’ve never been hurt in such a great way that it’s too big to be forgiven.

Leslie Basham: That’s Kim Wagner inviting you to freedom if you’ve been carrying around a lot of hurt. Kim’s been talking with Nancy Leigh DeMoss and some other friends about the important topic of forgiveness.

Is there someone who puts you on edge? You think of them and immediately you get angry? That’s the type of question Nancy poses in her book Choosing Forgiveness: Your Journey to Freedom. It’ll help you look inside and discover areas of bitterness and unforgiveness. Thankfully, the book doesn’t stop there.

Nancy will lead you through Scriptures to see what God has to say about forgiveness. Then she lays out the process of wiping the slate clean and finding complete healing.

Order a copy of Choosing Forgiveness for yourself or friend by visiting www.ReviveOurHearts.com. It’s available for a donation of $18 or more. If you’d rather call, dial 1-800-569-5959.

Sometimes it’s right to confront someone who’s done wrong, and other times it’s better just to let things drop. How can you know which approach to take? Nancy will address that tomorrow. Now, she’s back to pray.

Nancy: Oh Father, how I pray that You would take this truth deep into every one of our hearts and apply it where it needs to be applied. You know the points of hurt. And Lord, I don’t want to minimize where those points may have been. But I know there are women listening to my words today who have experienced deep, excruciating pain, hurts beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.

And yet, Lord, nothing that we have experienced is beyond what You have endured for us. So Lord, help each person listening. Help me, Lord, in each circumstance of life, rather than becoming bitter to receive the grace that You want to give and to welcome that discipline, that work of Your Spirit in our hearts so that You may make us partakers of Your holiness. I pray in Jesus’ name, amen.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

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