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Daily ProgramStaying Committed to an Unbeliever14 Series: For Better or Worse: Marriage When It's Tough Monday, July 10 2006 Leslie Basham: When her unbelieving husband wanted to reconcile with her, Shirley’s children told her she was crazy to let him back into her life. But Shirley saw it differently. Shirley: It’s not a choice. It was something I had to do. If we say we are Christians, then we have to walk it out, day in and day out. Leslie Basham: It’s Monday, July 10th, and you’re listening to Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Nancy Leigh DeMoss: If you’re married, do you remember your wedding vows? The traditional vows contain those familiar phrases: “for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.” Well, I’m not married, but I’ve spoken with enough married people to know that when the sickness, the poverty, and “the worse” sides of life come along, the commitment you made before God and witnesses can be tested, sometimes severely. Perhaps that’s where you are. Maybe you have a son or daughter or friend who’s in a difficult marriage. I hope you’ll stay tuned this whole week because we’re going to talk about “For Better or Worse: Marriage When It’s Tough.” My longtime friend, Holly Elliff, has been a guest with us on Revive Our Hearts in the past, and she joins us again all this week. Holly, thanks so much for being with us. Holly Elliff: I love being here, Nancy. Nancy: Holly is a pastor’s wife. She’s been married for over 30 years. She and her husband, Bill, have eight precious children who are in many different seasons of life. Holly, explain to our listeners about the format for this week. Holly: We actually gathered a group of women together at a local church and had an open forum related to the area of marriage and long-term marriages and even difficult marriages, and how to be faithful in those. Nancy: And the women were very candid and open as they shared, as were you in your responses to their questions and answers. Today we’re going to talk about staying married to a husband who’s not a believer. In 1 Peter 3, the apostle Peter encourages women to strive to win their husbands without a word. Shirley is one of the women who was with us in the audience that day, and I want you to listen to her story because she’s a great model of that principle. Shirley: One of the things that I desired most was to have a husband who worshiped with the children and me. And that did not happen during the course of 29 years of marriage. There were some things that happened in the marriage that were very devastating, that were difficult to deal with and difficult to move beyond. But God is so faithful. Toward the end of my husband’s life . . . because all through the years there were things that I just had to forgive and move beyond; because if you don’t forgive, then bitterness begins to take root in you. There’s a saying, bitterness is a pill we swallow in the hopes that it will kill someone else. But that’s not what it does. It will kill us if we allow it to take root and to grow in our lives. The bottom line is, after 29 years . . . I continued all of those years to pray for my husband’s salvation because the Word of God says His desire is that no man should perish, but that every man should come to repentance (see 2 Peter 3:9). Then He goes on to say that “Whatever you ask in accordance with My will, I’ll do” (see John 14:13-14). Knowing those two promises of God made me know beyond a shadow of a doubt that at some point in time, my husband would come to salvation. I believed that for 29 years. On his deathbed he did that. When he became so ill, my children—he was away; he came back—the children could not understand how I could go back into that relationship and do what I did. But what I said to my children is that, if we say we are Christians, then we have to walk it out, day in and day out, and it’s not a choice. And it wasn’t a choice. It was something I had to do because that’s who I am and that’s what I had been commanded to do. Even when someone spitefully uses you, you still love them. During that time we talked a lot, and he talked about a lot of things. You know, there were things that he said to me that I had waited 29 years to hear. Those were things like: I was precious in his sight; one of the best decisions he made in his life was to marry me; and “I made mistakes.” But God is faithful. Because I was able to forgive all through the years, even when my children did not understand and they said, “You have lost your mind. . . ” For you to be able to do that requires a strength that is so beyond anything you could ever hope to do in and of yourself. It is the grace of God that you’re able to do the kind of things that God calls us to do sometimes when we have been so hurt and so devastated by different people’s actions in our lives. I remember what Nancy said yesterday, and that has been one of my mantras all through my life: “It is not so much what people do to you, it is how you respond to what people do to you.” So when he was going through that, we would go to the hospital every day, and we would stand at his bedside, and we would read Scripture, and we would gather around his bed, and we would pray. There were people who would come in and out of the hospital who saw this. That’s what my children learned and what I was trying to tell them—I really had to live it out before them. Because when we are going through difficult things and when we are suffering, many times we think it’s all about us; but it is for a greater good. There were things that people saw that they testified of after my husband had gone. The day that he passed, we were not able to get to the hospital in time. There was a nurse who came to me after he had passed and she said to me . . . I asked her, “How was he?” She said, “You know, at the beginning when he began to slip away he was struggling.” She said, “But I got the Bible, and I began to read the twenty-third psalm. When I began to read the twenty-third psalm, he became at peace, and he just slipped away.” She said, “I was able to do that because that’s what I had seen you all do, because you came and stood at his bedside, and you read Scripture and prayed, and that was a comfort to him. So I was able to do the same thing in his last moments.” So I thanked her for that, and I thanked God for the strength to be able to do what I was only able to do by the grace of God because it has very, very little to do with me. Holly: Shirley, we get so many letters from women who are in marriages where their husbands are either not believers or they are not interested in spiritual things, even if they claim to be believers. They’re in marriages like yours was that are difficult for a long, long, long time. What would you say to those women just to give them hope as they’re raising their children, as they’re staying in that marriage by their choice to stay in a hard marriage? What would you say to them just to give them hope and encouragement? Shirley: I guess the one thing I would say, because it’s the one thing that did the most for me, is that you just have to continuously seek the Lord in everything you do. I used to ask the Lord all the time, “Lord, help me to rear these children,” even when my husband wasn’t there to do the things that he needed to do as a father; because I just believe what the Word of God says. I don’t have any more sense than this belief that if God said it, He can perform it. So I just believed. I trusted Him to do what needed to be done in the lives of my children and in the life of my husband and in my own life. What we have to do is take the focus off of us, and we have to keep our eyes on the cross because that is the thing that is going to give us the strength to do whatever it is that we need to do to endure. So I would say, “Don’t give up. Continue to pray. Continue to seek the Lord.” You know, there were times in our marriage when I would try to talk to my husband about the Lord, and he would just get so upset, and he’d start talking and I’d get back because, “Lightning is going to strike you, and I don’t want to be anywhere near.” So there would be times like that. But then I came to understand that if we are going to win our husbands to Christ, it’s not going to be by what we say; it’s going to be by what we do. You have to just keep walking it out before them, not preaching at them all the time. There were times when I could not share the Gospel with him, but then toward the end he wanted to hear the Gospel. So he knew the time was right, because the Lord was moving in his heart. I would say to just persevere. You just have to continue to look to the Lord and continue to trust Him for His grace and for His mercy and for Him being able to sustain us. Because He will. There are times when we think we just can’t go on. In and of ourselves, many times we couldn’t. But by the grace of God and by His strength and by His Spirit, He upholds us, and He allows us to just keep on keeping on. Holly: Thank you, Shirley. Nancy: You know, I appreciate that testimony so much because one of the things we’ve really got to be thinking about seriously, if we’re going to be women who take God seriously and believe His Word, is this whole thing of the permanence of marriage—that marriage is intended to be a reflection of the faithful, covenant-keeping character of God who doesn’t give up on His people, who keeps pursuing us, keeps persevering, keeps loving even when we give Him every reason not to. What we so desperately need today are some women and men who will say, “I’m not in this for me. I’m in this for the glory of God. I’m in this to reflect the heart of a covenant-keeping God.” So what happens to me ultimately is insignificant. What matters is what people think of God, and realizing that there are things God wants to do in the life of your mate that may never happen in the short term if you’re not willing to be in it for the long haul. Leslie Basham: That’s Nancy Leigh DeMoss, along with pastor’s wife, Holly Elliff, talking about one way marriage can be tough. Did you notice Shirley’s restraint? She didn’t speak disrespectfully of her husband’s actions, even though there were some painful memories. Shirley actually did share a lot more than we had time for on the radio, but we do want to make the recording of all this week’s programs available to you for a gift of any amount. Log on to our website for more information. One of the goals of the ministry of Revive Our Hearts is to help women to be spiritually fruitful, to give them a vision for their distinctive, God-given calling, mission, roles, and responsibilities. Our focus all this week is on the role of the Christian wife. So, in response and to serve you, our web team has put together a helpful resource page specifically designed for wives. We trust you’ll find it an encouragement and practical help that might very well apply to your individual situation. Finally, I wanted to let you know that we’re challenging you to turn off your TV for the whole month of August. You might want to start discussing this possibility with your husband. Stay tuned for more details, or check out our website. If you prefer calling, our phone number is 800-569-5959. How would you respond if you found out your husband had been unfaithful to you? We’ll find out about someone who did, tomorrow on Revive Our Hearts . Join us. Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries. Note: Special offers available only during the broadcast of the radio series. 
Read and post comments about: Staying Committed to an Unbeliever*The following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate.
 Sarika (on Monday, July 10, 2006 at 4:30 AM)
"It is about time that we admitt that no matter what we as women do some situations are just not going to change. There are going to be difficult marriages. Some of us are just going to have to endure suffering and hardship. Abigal is a great example of a woman who remained beautiful while linving with a foolish man. Our vows to God are what are important. Not our husbands actions or reactions. Proverbs 31 vs.12 say clearly "She does him good and not evil all the days of her life." We need to stop expecting our husbands to make our life joyful. We need instead to find our joy and hope in the beauty of our fellowship with Jesus. Let us make our homes beautiful and places of peace no matter what state of mind our husbands are in. God bless you Shirley! " Arlene (on Monday, July 10, 2006 at 8:09 AM)
"This is such a great topic! THank you Nancy for bringing this subject up. Even though I have a good marriage, my husband isn't saved. He is on the verge but of course I can't make the decision for him. 1 Peter 3:1-2 has become my mantra because it really is what we do that people look at. If I spout out how you should forgive and be patient and kind but I am snappy and unforgiving, why would anyone want that? Instead I'm trying to show him why he should be saved my the "reverence and purity" of my life. Of course I couldn't do this on my own, but through the Holy Spirit. I also pray for the women that aren't blessed with a good marriage. That you will let God guide you through the dark and tough times." Carolyn (on Monday, July 10, 2006 at 10:02 AM)
"Tomorrow, July 11, I will be celebrating my 28th wedding anniversary. Only God knows the pain, suffering I have experienced being in a prison of marriage. I remember reading a book by Dr. Dobson saying there is nothing worse than a bad marriage". Not even liking, loving, or even wanting to go out with my husband, he being a predator, and I not knowing anything about God, through many horrible evil events, we ended up married. But, like Joseph, He takes the evil and turns it into good. God came to me in those times, and I was saved., while after only being married 6 months and going through post partum psychosis, left my husband for three months after giving birth. Times were beyond description, but I ended up going back with my husband, had three children, prayed according to God's Word for my husband to be saved, and eleven years later, he was saved. It wasn't as I had hoped. Thinking this would be just wonderful, and the answer to our marriage problems, but I endured with the Grace of God and after 24 years of marriage, disobeying God's Word, I felt I couldn't take any more, and left my husband for four years, and within those four years, God did miracles in my life, renewed my fellowship with Him and I made a decision to go back because that is what God's word is all about. A covenant. I never truly understood that. I wanted my needs to be met. Our marriage was dead, many problems,, but God showed me He is the only one who could meet my needs. Not to put my faith in man, and not to go by the feelings. There are many, many details involved, but we cannot be happy without God in our lives. Not just religion, but a true, deep, love, fellowship and personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ. Pain and suffering beyond anything we think we can endure, but looking to Jesus, focused on the joy set before us and every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Father are the only things we can believe in our hearts. It's all about what is in our hearts, and if we are truly born from above,God will turn us inside out to make us holy and pure for the return of Jesus for His Bride!" Maria (on Monday, July 10, 2006 at 11:56 AM)
"I enjoyed reading your testamonies. I want to go into an area that was not mentioned yet. You may disagree, but some women married and have children by the wrong spouse, because the husband was choosen by the wife and not the husband finding a good thing, some married because of flesh. Many are married who knew nothing about praying and waiting on the Lord for their husband.. Some marriages are not repairable because of excessive abuse, bodly harm, and even death. What is your answer for women or men who are in these kind of marriages?I do not believe God approved of these marriages, which the husband has taken the life of wife, and children, or vice versa. Not to mention men & women coming out of the closet. IN THEIR SECRET CLOSET IS WHERE THEY NEED TO FIND JESUS. What I am saying that God has not approved all marriage some were created by ourselves and out of lust for flesh, money etc. and yes, there are some marriages that can be salvaged through Jesus Christ. Even those of us who work very hard to save our marriages. I am not disagreeing on anything you have written. However, saved wifes can not obey unsaved mates in all time things. Women/men are caution to obey and do as fit in the Lord. Also I must say the scripture is right, wether we married just to get away from home, or for money. Once you are saved and is filled with the Holy Ghost we are commanded to do that which pleasing in the eyes of the Lord to try to keep the marriage. The reality of it all we do have some marriages that fail after all the trying, and all the living for JESUS with fasting and prayer. Some men have walked away from their wifes because they are saved. Another scripture is true, no man can come to JESUS EXCEPT GOD DRAW HIM. No matter how bad, no matter how good, no matter how much good we do. God has to do the drawing. If anyone is called of God in Jesus Name he will answer the call. Thank you for giving us a space to e-mail. I love your comments they were enlightening to me and I am sure very helpful to many." Chris (on Monday, July 10, 2006 at 12:27 PM)
"Shirley, thank you for sharing your story. Following God's Way is always the right way. I know what you mean about just "having to do it cause it was what was commanded". As believers sometimes what we are to do is Simple, simple, but not easy. Yet the Grace of God is very real and He enables us to do what is impossible without Him. I have a wonderful christian husband but we have had difficulties I never did expect to have come into our lives. God is giving me the grace to forgive. I look forward to the rest of the teaching this week. Thank you, Nancy, for taking on such a hard but needed topic. I'm praying for this ministry and it's helping me tremendously in my own life and as I teach a ladies Bible Study weekly. " Mary (on Monday, July 10, 2006 at 12:33 PM)
"Dear Sarika, Azucena (on Monday, July 10, 2006 at 12:57 PM)
"I just had a question. What do you do if your marital situation is affecting your relationship with God in a negative way? I had a friend who felt her very life was being drained from her by her unbelieving husband. She was married 9 years. She has since gotten a divorce and she feels she is closer with the Lord. She has joy and is not walking in darkness. Her whole life seems to be about delighting in the Lord. Any comments anyone?" Karen (on Monday, July 10, 2006 at 1:24 PM)
"Dear Nancy, Lily (on Monday, July 10, 2006 at 2:44 PM)
"THANK YOU for today's program and for your testimony Shirley! I was in the throes of despair over this very issue and while high on a hill, tuned in to find (as I often do) that GOD was answering my questions quite clearly. My husband is a non-believer whom I married twice. Long story involving substance abuses and eventually separation and divorce after he had been with someone else. I allowed (without lengthy consult with my LORD) him back into our lives and have been married for the second time around five years. Same problems. Same heartaches and yes... it is about time we face this difficult truth, sometimes nothing we do makes a difference. I become so weary of the marriage advice from Christian men who just cannot understand what it is like to struggle with this in a marriage. Some men do not, will not change. Today encouraged me to persevere. GOD will be with us through this. Somehow, someway, I know His will can be done if I obey. Two caveats... I know that the Lord GOD does not want anyone to stay in an abusive marriage, and Jesus allowed an end to marriage if a non believer is unfaithful or chooses to leave. Otherwise... covenant must remain firm. Praise HIM." Connie (on Monday, July 10, 2006 at 10:22 PM)
"Dear Sisters in the Lord,rnrnI have been so blessed reading several of today's comments, that reveal such a heart for Jesus in several of my sisters in Christ. Truly it is such a jewel from the Lord when a person reaches the place of intimate communion with Christ in His Word and prayer, so that He is truly their all-sufficiency. I think that through suffering we learn this deeper communion with Him and experience His love, peace and joy in a way we never could otherwise. When those closest to us hurt us, it hurts the most. Yet when Christ comforts us, we are comforted the most, and can then comfort others in a way we never could have before (2 Cor. 1). I often think of Joseph in the prison; Daniel as a young man in Babylon ... the injustice they suffered, along with separation from their family (and Joseph had been betrayed by close family members)... how it produced character in them and how they later arose -- were raised by God -- to be great leaders. (Remember, Joseph's brothers later repented.) Consider also Ruth, Naomi, Esther, Abigail ... true examples (sisters!) of patient suffering and eventual reward. The words from James come to mind ... "Take, my brethren, the prophets, who have spoken in the name of the Lord, for an example of suffering affliction, and of patience. Behold, we count them happy that endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that hte Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy." (James 5:10,11)rnrnI have suffered (some pretty deeply) as a Christian. Some has been genuine persecution; much has been sowing and reaping or lack of carefulness in heeding the Word of our Lord. Through all of it the Lord has drawn me closer to Himself, even in times of deep distress and anguish. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end" (Jer. 29:11)rnrnBe encouraged dear sisters that the Lord loves you and will perform His good will in your life, as you yield to Him. He will not try you above that you are able. (1 Cor. 10:13) He will give you wisdom as you seek Him daily for it. He will guide you and never fail you. It'll be worth it all when we make it to be with Him forever. And many blessings will come in this life too.rnrnI have seen my marriage transformed through suffering and the entrance of God's Word in a deeper way into my husband and my lives. Still believing for things for our children.rnrnMay Jesus bless and keep you all; special blessings to Nancy and Shirley,rnrnIn His love." A (on Monday, July 10, 2006 at 11:44 PM)
"((((((Oh Angel)))))) Crystal (on Thursday, July 13, 2006 at 5:02 AM)
"my husband and i separate for two years" Samantha (on Tuesday, May 26, 2009 at 1:04 AM)
"My husband claims to be a christian and has been in ministry for some time, but is making decisions that are clearly not right. He has a history of mental illness, and we have had big problems since the day we were married. I fear that he is an actual sociopath. Our families are against us working it out, maily because they fear the effect it will have on our children. I know that if I let him come back, my family and friends will all be pushed away. He can't seem to make up his mind to come back or not. I have been preaching at him, and it has only made things worse. I want to be the woman above and keep on keeping on. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and believe God is putting it on my heart to keep trying. The divorce papers are filed, and if he doesn't change his mind in the next few weeks the divorce will be made final. We go to different churchs. I want to reach out to people in his church for help, possibly some kind of intervention, but I don't know if this would be a good idea or bad. I am not even sure who to trust in his church. Other than stop preaching, and pray, do you have any other advice?" Jen (on Thursday, October 29, 2009 at 10:57 PM)
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"hi,
this is an excellent topic. i am married to an unbeliver for 5 years now, i have taken vows, but did not legally (law) marry him as yet.i had promised to give his heart to the lord first but it's 5 years now & he is not interested. and due to him breaking his promise & all the problems in this marriage, I am not leagally married to him.
i know we can't live like this anymore, i am forced to make an decision, but i am sacred to commit to him legally. we living a christian life is so important.
& it's been my prayer for 5 years. what should i do?
i was told by a pastor that i need to get married to him leaglly or else i am living in sin., the vows was just a blessing from god & not a complete marriage.please advise."