When He Won't Respond

Series: Love and Respect: An Interview with Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Leslie Basham: According to author and speaker Emerson Eggerichs, there’s nobody to blame for your unloving or disrespecting attitude other than yourself.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs: My response is my responsibility. Sarah doesn’t cause me to be unloving. She reveals that I’m unloving because God has commanded me to be loving. So if I’m unloving, is Sarah to blame for this? No, no, no. My response is my responsibility.

Leslie Basham: On Friday, July 7th, it’s Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Our guest this week has been Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. He’s a former pastor. He has written a book called Love and Respect. We’re encouraging all our listeners, both men and women, to order a copy of that book.

Now, if you’re a woman, don’t order a copy for your husband. Order it for yourself and let God speak to you through it.

Dr. Eggerichs, thank you so much for being with us to help us as women understand more what the Scripture has to say about this issue of respect.

Dr. Eggerichs: It’s been delightful to be with you this week. Thank you.

Nancy: I want to talk in this broadcast about, “What it if it doesn’t work?” But first let me ask you a question.

I’ve not had the privilege of meeting your wife, Sarah. I hope to some day. But I know that she’s a hugely important part of your life and that you really do love and respect each other.

But what are some of the ways that Sarah communicates respect to you? What are some of the ways as a wife that she communicates, “I respect you as a man?”

Dr. Eggerichs: Well, we’ve introduced something that really does work. I will say to Sarah sometimes, “That felt disrespectful. Did I come across as unloving?” Because we’ve said that without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love, which we call the Crazy Cycle.

I’m not accusing her of being disrespectful. I’m not saying I’m right; I’m not saying I’m wrong. I’m just saying, “That felt disrespectful to me.” But then I give her the benefit of the doubt. “Did I come across as unloving?”

So, too, Sarah will say to me, “In answer to your question, that felt unloving.” She’s not saying I’m unloving. She’s just saying that’s how she felt, and she’s even maybe acknowledging that that’s her issue, not mine. But she is telling me what she feels.

But then she follows up, “Did I just come across as disrespectful?” Because the Crazy Cycle triggers itself. So we may be doing something here, and we give our spouse the benefit of the doubt.

Of course, that works for us, but we also feared initially what the other would say. For instance, “That felt unloving. Did I just come across as disrespectful?” Sarah feared that I would say, “Yes, you are a witch, and I got you a new broom. And you’re always coming across in disrespectful ways, and I didn’t cause this at all.”

See, our worst fear, and I point this out . . .

Nancy: . . . is that we’ll get trampled on.

Dr. Eggerichs: That’s exactly right. Maybe initially with a person, when there are a lot of problems . . . If that reaction is negative initially, don’t just quit. Don’t just throw your hands up in the air and say, “This isn’t going to work for us.”

No, no. My belief is that they’re probably under tremendous conviction. So just stay with that. And if they say, “Yes, you are to blame,” just say, “Well, I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?” Then just walk away.

Nancy: That’s really the pathway of humility isn’t it?

Dr. Eggerichs: It is. But it works. There’s power. You see, when Jesus said, “Turn the right cheek after they hit you on the left,” it wasn’t because you are to become a wimp.

What you do is, you take over the spiritual situation. They look at you and you look at them, and they know they’re in the presence of someone who has a spiritual authority.

That’s why the Jews said, “You heap hot, burning coals upon a person’s head.” So if a wife says, “Well, I’m really sorry; will you forgive me?” after he mocks her and walks off, he comes under tremendous conviction.

Just as if a husband said, “That felt disrespectful. Did I come across as unloving?” She says, “You deserve disrespect, and you’re always coming across as unloving.” So he says, “Well, that hurts, but I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me,” and walks away.

What woman is not going to feel horrible?

Nancy: It’s going to melt you.

Dr. Eggerichs: That’s right. And we’re saying to women—trust me. When you use the language this way: “That felt unloving. Did I come across as disrespectful?” and he says, “Yes, you’re always coming across as disrespectful.” “Well, can you forgive me? I’m sorry,” and walk off; I’m going to tell you, he comes under conviction. It works.

Nancy: You’ve seen over and over again, in your pastoral ministry and in the conference ministry, the cycle really reverse and become an Energizing Cycle rather than a Crazy Cycle when one person is willing to start the process and get off that Crazy Cycle. As a woman say, “I’m willing to enter into this respect even if I do feel unloved at the moment.”

Dr. Eggerichs: Yes, and then that brings up the next question: What if—just what if—my spouse doesn’t respond? This is where we go upward.

The Bible is clear that we do what we do unto Jesus Christ. In fact, in Ephesians 6 Paul said, “Whatever good thing each one does is received back from the Lord” (verse 8).

Here’s where we encourage the godly wives: When you do this unto Jesus Christ, when you put on unconditional respect for your husband who’s unloving . . . We’re assuming you’re not in harm’s way. If you’re in physical harm’s way, then you need to get out of that situation for the sake of the children and your own safety.

But when you do this unto Jesus Christ, and you look beyond the shoulder of your husband and you see Christ saying, “Do it unto Me, sweetie,” this is the thing that He finds important. When you do this unto Him—and your spouse is irrelevant, in that sense—there is going to be favor extended to you.

Twice Peter says, “This finds favor with God.”This finds favor with God! Something is coming.

Now, you have to take that by faith. We’re challenging women to look beyond their husband, who isn’t responding, and see that you’re touching the heart of Christ.

When I first taught this, I thought that might really be a little threatening. But you remember, Paul said, “What is foolishness to the world is the wisdom of God, and what is the wisdom of God is the foolishness of man” (1 Corinthians 3:19).

It is foolish to the world to put on respect for an unloving man. It is foolishness to the world to love a woman who’s full of contempt. But God’s Word is precisely teaching that.

Why? Because it’s not about them. This is a gift, in a sense, given to you by God to allow you to go through a degree of suffering so that He can reward you throughout eternity.

There’s coming the day when He’s going to say, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You were faithful in a few things. I’m going to put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your Master” (Matthew 25:21).

And when you turn, you’re going to gasp in awe. What He has for you is beyond anything you can imagine.

Nancy: I wonder how much regret there may be expressed at that point if, instead of doing it God’s way—instead of staying on the course and persevering—we gave in to the tendency or the temptation to return evil for evil.

If we said, “I’m tired of doing this respect thing; I’m tired of doing it God’s way; I’m tired of responding in a meek and quiet spirit,” and we picked up the sword and took on the disrespect. For the moment it may have felt better or may have felt like the score was evened.

But then we get to heaven and realize, “I’ve lost the reward. I could have had more here. I could have been more Christ-like, maybe could have been an instrument in my husband becoming more of what God wanted him to be.” So there is gain and loss to be considered here as we live in this moment.

I so appreciate, Dr. Eggerichs, how in this book you have helped women to understand (and men as well) that you really can be free in your relationship with the Lord, regardless of what circumstance you’re in, regardless of how your mate is responding.

Dr. Eggerichs: That’s correct. The Scripture talks about two dimensions. We can be hurt by people; we can be affected by people. Paul was depressed when Titus wasn’t there. There is a whole area of what I call neutral emotions that can be negative in nature, but they’re not sinful.

So every person has to be honest, but I will tell you that my response is my responsibility. Sarah doesn’t cause me to be unloving. She reveals that I’m unloving, because God has commanded me to be loving. So if I’m unloving, is Sarah to blame for this? No, no, no.

If we don’t lock into that . . . if we lock into the idea that “I am the way I am because my spouse is causing me to be that way,” that is a central false doctrine—we might put it that way—that’s false teaching.

Our spouse does not control us—not to the extent that we think. They affect us, but they don’t control us, in that sense.

Jesus said, “From within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts” (Matthew 15:18). Paul said it’s the deeds of the flesh. The problem is within me.

So if I’m not loving and respecting, when I come to that point where I say, “Okay, I’m going to own up to this. I hate this teaching. I hate it, but I’m going to own up to this, that my response is my responsibility”—it is amazing, at that time, what happens in terms of an internal freedom. We begin to realize that my spouse’s initiation, as important as that is to me, doesn’t ultimately determine my happiness.

Nancy: I was speaking at a conference to college girls not too long ago about biblical womanhood. I asked the girls to write on a card, “What is one thing you’d like to say to the Christian guys you know?” They were just really thrilled for that chance. So I was able to capture their responses.

I’d like to ask you, Dr. Eggerichs, what’s one thing that you would like to say to Christian women?

Dr. Eggerichs: The key to motivating a man to be loving isn’t by loving on him. The key to motivating a man to be loving is by meeting his need to feel respected for who he is.

Nancy: I know that a lot of our listeners have really been challenged by what you’ve shared this week. I hope that they will order a copy of your book, Love and Respect . There’s so much more in that book than what we’ve been able to talk about in the broadcasts this week, so many practical illustrations, a lot of practical questions to ask yourself.

There’s a section in there for husbands, too. But if we as women just get the part that God commands us as women, we’ll really be different, and I think we’ll impact our homes, our children, our grandchildren, and perhaps generations to come.

I wonder if you would close our time, Dr. Eggerichs, by praying that God will give grace and courage and faith to do what it is that He’s asked.

Dr. Eggerichs: Father, we do pray for that woman out there who’s like my mom. We went through many miserable days and months and years when I was in my developmental years. But my mother stayed the course and was ultimately instrumental in my dad coming to You. And my mom never bad-mouthed my dad.

There was an incredible amount of pain, an incredible amount of suffering at times. But, Father, I thank You for my mother who stayed the course. As a result, both Mom and Dad are with You now in heaven forever. Forever! It was worth it. It was an incredible decision that Mom made. And Dad blubbered like a baby when he found Christ.

Father, I know that woman out there is in despair. My mother was in despair. But, Lord, I believe that You’re speaking to her, and You are wanting to encourage her that You’ve revealed something. This is Your Word. This isn’t the world’s word. This is Your Word, and she’s at a crisis of faith, in some sense. Will she trust You? Will she walk by faith, not by sight?

Paul said in Thessalonians that he was so thankful that they “received this not as the word of man, but for what it really is, the Word of God, which performs its work in you who believe” (1 Thessalonians 2:13). Which performs its work in you who believe.

Lord, give this lovely woman grace to trust You. Encourage her. You know the feeling of defeat. Break through even today.

And Lord, those who have good marriages, some of these gals out here, but they’re on a negative edge, and they’re actually going to divorce for some pretty flimsy reasons. They know who they are, and there’s no biblical basis for this. They just aren’t happy, and they want more.

Lord, that is not in keeping with Your richness here. Furthermore, they may be sabotaging the relationship through their disrespect, and this is a good man who would respond if they would get off his air hose, so to speak.

So, Father, we just pray that she would awaken within her soul that it may not be even closely bad, but actually it’s just inches away from them doing what they did during courtship. So we commit her to You as well, through Jesus Christ, amen.

Leslie: Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is the author of the book Love and Respect. The book and workbook are available wherever Christian books are sold.

We didn’t have time to air this entire interview between Nancy and Dr. Eggerichs. If you’d like to listen to the full interview with Dr. Eggerichs, it’s available to you exclusively from us here at www.ReviveOurHearts.com. The full-length interview—all of the programs from this week plus more—is available on CD for a gift of any amount.

Listen to each day via MP3 download. Help and everyday hope await you at our website. But if you find the phone more convenient, dial 800-569-5959.

Keep in mind that the 30-Day TV-Free Challenge is coming up, beginning August 1st. We’ll tell you more about it as the time gets closer, but consider heading to our website to request ahead of time the book called TV: The Great Escape, along with some other really neat creations from Revive Our Hearts, so you’ll be ready when August rolls around.

Have a God-glorifying weekend, and join us on Monday when we continue the marriage theme with a series called For Better or Worse: Marriage When It’s Tough. See you then.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

All Scripture . . . is probably paraphrased.

Note: Special offers available only during the broadcast of the radio series.