The Energizing Cycle

Series: Love and Respect: An Interview with Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

Leslie Basham: When it comes to human behavior, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has noticed some general patterns.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs: Every man is devastated, and it takes him forever to get over it, when he hears her say, “I love you, but I don’t respect you.” Women will break down and cry when they’re offended at the core of their being. Men get angry and go off by themselves.

Leslie Basham: It’s Wednesday, July 5th, and you’re listening to Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Most of the letters and e-mails we get here at Revive Our Hearts are from women, but we do get some from men. I find that many of those help give us as women insight into what the men are thinking, how they are responding, and how we can be a more godly influence and blessing in their lives.

I appreciated the honesty of one husband who heard a program that we did on the subject of wives respecting their husbands. He said, “I was so glad to hear this program. All I want is for my wife to build me up and to support me in my life.

“Growing up I was always torn down by my mom, and I was hoping to find a wife who wouldn’t do the same. Men want to feel wanted and loved. We have feelings, even though it is harder for us to show them.”

I wonder if that man wasn’t saying, out of the experience of his own marriage, “I’m not feeling respected in my marriage.”

Well, we have a man with us on the broadcast today to talk with us about this whole issue of respect, and how when a wife respects her husband and when a husband feels respected by his wife, he is even more motivated to express the love that he’s commanded to give to his wife.

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is a former pastor of many years. He has a pastor’s and a shepherd’s heart. He has a ministry now called Love and Respect. He’s written a powerful book called Love and Respect.

You may have heard him talk on other Christian radio programs. Yet I think we can’t hear too much today about the importance of this issue of respect as women. Dr. Eggerichs, thank you so much for being with us on Revive Our Hearts this week.

Dr. Eggerichs: Thank you, Nancy.

Nancy: In your book you talk about a respect test that I think is something many of our listeners—I hope all of them who are married—would want to do. Tell us how a woman can do this test and how it might make a difference in her relationship with her husband.

Dr. Eggerichs: A woman listening right now might say, “Well, I don’t feel any respect for him, and he doesn’t deserve it. He hasn’t earned it.” So this is a huge issue.

We’re not talking about the man deserving it, earning it. The Bible teaches in Ephesians 5:33 that the husband is to love his wife, and we believe that’s because she has one driving need, and that’s to feel loved for who she is.

But also in that verse, wives are commanded to respect their husbands. So there is a biblical command here. Our culture endorses unconditional love toward a woman—there’s no debate there—but when you talk about respecting a man, some women go through the roof.

Nancy: It’s really true, all through the culture. In fact, the whole “man-bashing” thing is very politically correct.

Dr. Eggerichs: And we distinguish loving that evil behavior from respecting the spirit of the man. You can confront a man for his evil behavior—doing so respectfully.

When the police arrest somebody, they don’t scream words of contempt. They’re very dignified, very respectful. But you go after the behavior.

Now, when I was first doing this, I realized how women just shut down. “There’s no way I’m going to show respect because I don’t feel respect, and I’d be a hypocrite, and I’d be a doormat.” So I thought to myself, “How do we get this message across?”

I had spoken to this one group, and they weren’t necessarily tracking with me—200 women. So I said, “Why don’t you do this? Test this out. You should believe it because the Bible teaches it.

“And those of you who love Scripture and are teaching the Bible (you teach it all the time and state this by faith), when it comes to your marriage, you don’t apply the very thing you espouse to others.” There is some inconsistency with some women.

You’ve got to take this word by faith. It says in 1 Peter 3:2 and in Ephesians 5:33, the central teaching to women is this idea of respecting their husbands.

Even so, I thought, “Lord, what can I come up with that would help these gals believe it by experience?” though that is very dangerous because it’s not always going to happen with everybody like this story is. But it’s a great illustration.

So we had several women volunteer. I said, “Here’s what I want you to do: When he’s in his office or the study tonight and he’s not doing anything, come into the room where he is and say to him, ‘I was thinking about you today. Several things about you I really respect, and I want you to know I really respect you.’” Then exit the room. Leave.

Nancy: Just leave it there.

Dr. Eggerichs: Yes, just leave. I said to the women, “What’s he going to do?” “Well he’s going to follow.” I said, “That’s right, or if he’s lazy, he’ll call you back."

So these gals volunteered to do this. One gal wrote me an e-mail and she said, “It was just unbelievable!” He came home and she said, “Can we talk?” He said, “What’d I do now?” She said, “No, no, this is good.”

So she followed him up to the bedroom where he changed into his evening attire, and she was saying, “I was thinking about you today.” He was just looking at the closet, changing; never focused on her. She wants to give the report to build rapport. She wants to connect, and he’s never seemingly engaged in it.

But she said, “I want you to know, I was thinking about you today. Several things about you I respect, and I want you to know I really respect you.” And she exited. When she got close to the bedroom door, he screamed really loud.

“Wait! Wait, whoa, whoa, come back! What is it?” He was so loud that the three children in the other parts of the house heard Dad. They hadn’t heard him that animated ever. They came running because there had to be a pony in there, right?

So they came into the bedroom and started jumping up and down on the bed, and the wife could not tell her husband what she was thinking. So then the oldest child darted out and the others followed, so she tried to exit quickly with the children. But in a high whisper he said, “Hey, wait, whoa, whoa. Come back. What is it? What is it?”

She proceeded to tell him three things that she respected about him. It was like an out-of-body experience for her. See, men respond to this language like women respond to love.

Nancy: You’ve called it the mother tongue of men: respect.

Dr. Eggerichs: The mother tongue of men. Exactly. If I was in Mongolia for five years and never heard English, and then one day I heard someone say, “The Boston Red Sox won the World Series” . . . I’m in this village market area with a thousand Mongolians speaking Mongolian of some sort, and I’m going to hear that statement, “The Boston Red Sox won the World Series.”

I don’t know how to speak Mongolian, but I hear my mother tongue in the distance, and I’m going to make a beeline for it. You move toward your mother tongue.

Nancy: Which is what women want husbands to do, is move toward them.

Dr. Eggerichs: Oh, yes; that’s right. They’re expressing “I love you so much” and x’s and o’s and all the love language, which is important at some level, but that’s your need. What we’re saying is that a man knows you love him, but he’s not assured you like him or respect who he is.

You had a glow during the courtship and during the wedding, and you looked up to him, and you expressed words of belief in him and admiration.

But then he failed to love you in ways that were meaningful; and that dark, sour look, the angry look, the statements, “I don’t respect you; I love you all the time, but I don’t respect you further than I can throw you.”

All of that would be the same as him saying, “I respect you more than anybody (especially because you got your old man’s $10 million inheritance), but I have never loved you, don’t love you now, and don’t intend to love you.” Every woman would be devastated, and it would take her forever to get over that.

Every man is devastated, and it takes him forever to get over it, when he hears her say, “I love you, but I don’t respect you.” Women will break down and cry when they’re offended at the core of their being. Men get angry and go off by themselves.

So what we’re saying to women is: You’ve got to understand that he speaks a different language. Why? Because God made us male and female. Is that okay?

But when you speak his language of respect, he softens and moves toward you with love; just as when he speaks your language of love, most women will soften and listen to him on his needs.

But back to the respect test. We have said that when you show unconditional honor toward a man, he tends to serve. He just responds. It’s the way God’s made him. And in the book we unpack that.

Nancy: He’s more motivated by respect than by your nagging him to do it. Is that what you’re saying?

Dr. Eggerichs: Well, I think there’s an element of truth to that, don’t you? So, it’s a paradigm shift.

What happened with this woman when she said these three things? He said to her, “Whoa, hey, can I take the family out to dinner?” Well, she was blown away because he never takes the family out to dinner, like my dad never took us out to dinner. It blew her away.

Then she said, “Can we take a rain check because the kids have soccer practice and different things?” He said, “Sure.” So she exited.

Fifteen minutes later she said he was down in the kitchen, and she heard pans banging. He fixed dinner. And she said, “Pastor, he doesn’t cook.” She was blown away. In fifteen minutes, two major acts of service.

Then three days later I get this e-mail from her. She says, “Pastor, I’ve got to get this off to you quick. You’re never going to believe it. He’s in the laundry room!” True. This is the way it went down. Then she says to me, “Do you have any more respect tests?”

Nancy: We’ll take all those we can get.

Dr. Eggerichs: Exactly. Keep this baby going. We’re on a roll here.

Nancy: He’s motivated to serve.

Dr. Eggerichs: And the last thing she said was, “Literally, Pastor, I think I’m going to get a cruise out of this.”

What we’ve said is, there’s a Crazy Cycle we get on, and there’s what we call an Energizing Cycle. The Crazy Cycle says: Without love she reacts without respect; without respect he reacts without love. And we’ve got to get off that. How?

Get on the Energizing Cycle. His love motivates her respect. And her respect—here’s what we’re pointing out—not her love but her respect, unconditional respect, his mother tongue— motivates him to serve, to love, to respond.

Will it happen every day, every minute? No. We live in a fallen world. He has bad hair days. You have bad days. You react in ways.

But the point is, over the marathon of the marriage, far sooner than just down at the 24th mile, there is clear evidence that he will soften if he has good will; just as when a woman has love for who she is, she’s got to be one bad “dudess” to respond negatively. He knows she won’t.

We’re saying: Trust us. When you give him that gift in obedience to Scripture, he will soften.

Nancy: And you don’t have to wait to show him respect until you feel love from him.

Dr. Eggerichs: That’s correct. The Scripture assumes that the mature one moves first. I remember praying . . . because people say, “I’ll do this if he does this,” so the question always is, “Who moves first?” wanting the other person to move first because it makes it easier that way.

And I said, “Lord, how do I answer this?” And the inaudible voice of the Lord said, “The one who sees himself or herself as the most mature moves first in obedience to Christ, out of love for Christ.”

Nancy: I know we’re speaking today to wives who are not feeling loved, who are on a Crazy Cycle in their marriage. The lack of love and the lack of respect are just fueling each other, and you’re wanting off that cycle.

Dr. Eggerichs is reminding us from God’s Word that the way to get off that cycle is not to wait for your husband to start loving you in the ways you want to feel loved.

The way for you to get off that cycle is for you to take the first step, to begin demonstrating, verbalizing, expressing unconditional respect for that man—not because he deserves it, not because he’s earned it, not because you feel it, but because God has commanded it and out of obedience to Christ.

You may want to start by taking that respect test that Dr. Eggerichs has been talking about. Dr. Eggerichs, tell us just one more time what a woman can do, how she does that respect test.

Dr. Eggerichs: She can say to him, “I was thinking about you today. Several things about you I really respect, and I want you to know that I respect you.” Then exit.

Nancy: And wait and see what happens.

Dr. Eggerichs: Now, if there is deep suspicion, he may not follow her. If you’ve got huge conflict because he sees this as a setup—like a woman suddenly seeing a dozen roses sitting there, and they’ve been in huge fights for six months, she’s cynical.

But oh, she wants to believe it, but she’s not going to let herself go there. That man wants to believe it.

I say to women, “You may not get a cruise out of this, but don’t you conclude that because he didn’t offer a cruise it didn’t work. If you’ve got serious problems, he may be a little cynical. But he’s cynical because ‘This is too good to be true, and I’m not going to set myself up to get hurt here.’”

It is so powerful that he will scoff at it possibly, but don’t misinterpret that if you’re getting through big time. Just trust me here.

Trust me, just as every woman would say, “Trust us, sir.” If you love on her, she might be a little lippy. “What, are you drunk today?” But don’t take that personally. She is feeling like this is too good to be true. “Don’t mess with my emotions.”

Nancy: As you begin to express respect to your husband and you see what God does in his heart and in yours, I hope that you’ll write and tell us, as many other listeners have, what God is doing in your marriage, in your life, and how He’s changing you as a result of your step of obedience in respecting the husband that God has put in your life.

Leslie: Probably the easiest way for you to get in touch with us is through our website, www.ReviveOurHearts.com. There’s a comment blog where you can share your thoughts with other women. Or click on “Contact,” and send us an e-mail. We really would love to hear from you.

When you’re at our website, catch our heart. We’re here to help you experience spiritual freedom and fullness through practically applying the Word of God to every area of your life and relationships.

The website is a great way for you to go deeper, get some practical help and hope, and also connect with us to get the extended interview between Nancy and Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It’s available for a gift of any amount.

You can give online or, if you prefer, you can call 800-569-5959. Thank you.

Some husbands seem totally undeserving of any respect. Maybe yours falls in that category. So how do you obey the command of Scripture to respect someone who’s so unrespectable? Tomorrow we’ll explore the concept of unconditional respect. Join us for Revive Our Hearts .

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries .

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