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Daily ProgramUnconditional Respect23 Series: Love and Respect: An Interview with Dr. Emerson Eggerichs Thursday, July 6 2006 Leslie Basham: Sometimes a wife can unintentionally lead her marriage away from intimacy. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs explains. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs: He wants you to be his best friend. And I predict that first year of marriage he told you everything. And you freaked out when he told you he had a temptation at the office, because you don’t have those temptations. Then you wonder why he’s not the spiritual leader? Because you told him, loud and clear, “Don’t you ever tell me your dark side issues that you’re struggling with. Leslie Basham: This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss for Thursday, July 6th. Here’s Nancy. Nancy Leigh DeMoss: If you’ve been listening to Revive Our Hearts for any length of time, several times you’ve heard me issue what we call a 30-day challenge to wives. It goes like this: For the next 30 days you can’t say one negative thing about your husband, to him or to anyone else about him. The other side of that challenge is: Every day for the next 30 days, you need to say something about your husband that you appreciate or admire. Say it to your husband, and say it to someone else about him. Universally there’s been a sense of awe and wonderment at what God has done in the marriage relationship as wives have begun to just express respect, admiration, and gratitude to their husbands. That’s why we’re back on this theme again this week, and this time to share with us on that subject is a man. And let me just say, as women we need to hear from the heart of men—godly, biblical men—how our lives and our responses affect them. So Dr. Emerson Eggerichs—a former pastor, the director of Love and Respect ministry, the author of the book, Love and Respect—thank you for coming and helping us as women—with our, as you call them, pink hearing aids and pink sunglasses—to know how we communicate and how we come across to men. I just appreciate so much your ministry and your sharing with us this week. Dr. Eggerichs: Thank you for having me. Nancy: You’ve been challenging wives this week to express unconditional respect to their husbands. As you’re sharing this concept and as I was reading your book, I’m hearing the women that I talk to. I’m thinking of their e-mails where they’re listing for me the things their husband does wrong. I read some of those e-mails and I think, Wow! That man must really be a mess. And some of those women are thinking, "How do you respect someone who really isn’t a respectable man? I mean, he’s a couch potato. He won’t work. He’s addicted to this or that. How can I respect someone who isn’t respectable? How can God expect me to do that? Dr. Eggerichs: Well, certainly God’s Word is revealing that. Just as husbands are to love their wives who are not lovable and who have issues that are also serious—he’s to be a loving man regardless of her performance. But many people think that if you show unconditional respect, you basically endorse everything there is that this person is and does. Nancy: And you’re not saying that. Dr. Eggerichs: No. We’re talking about it this way: There’s a distinction that needs to be made. It’s not about him, in that sense, and it’s not about his behavior. It’s about how you come across to him. The Scripture is commanding you to put on respect. Ephesians 5:33 and 1 Peter 3:2—those are the two most salient passages in all of the New Testament to the wife about how to treat her husband. Those are the foundational passages. Nancy: In 1 Peter 3 it’s actually talking to godly women about husbands who are either non-believers, or they’re acting in ungodly ways. So it really does fit this situation. Dr. Eggerichs: That’s right. Well, it does; so if it’s to be applied to an ungodly man, how much more to a godly man. It’s describing the nature of the man. So it’s how you come across. Nancy: Tell us what you mean by that. I mean, just really help us understand how we as women can come across in ways that are disrespectful, maybe not intending that. Dr. Eggerichs: Well, as we’ve said before, when a woman feels unloved—because she’s what we call an integrated personality (mind, body, soul, and spirit are connected)—so when she feels wounded, she needs to have this pointed out to her. The research points out that she comes across very, very negatively to a male. Her eyes darken; there is what Dr. Gottman at the University of Washington describes as “the sour look on the face.” As we’ve said before, the scolding finger . . . all of those things are evidences in the man’s world that you are sending me a message that you do not respect me. Then you add to that the fact that the woman doesn’t feel respect, and even says she doesn’t feel respect, especially when he says, “I don’t deserve this disrespect,” and she says, “Yes you do,” he shuts down. So it’s the way in which you deliver. That’s why we encourage women again . . . we talked about unconditional respect. You give him this gift of your delivery system. You give him the gift of the way in which you say this. It’s not natural for a woman to do that when she feels unloved. She also assumes that he needs to know. He needs to know that, “The reason I’m reacting this way is because he’s been unloving.” Yes, well, a lot of men say, “She needs to know that when I get angry and harsh, she shouldn’t personalize that.” Oh, that’s going to go over effectively. There comes a moment when we have to say to ourselves, “Does my spouse have a vulnerability that I don’t necessarily have?” Men, though they have strengths, are very, very vulnerable, more than at any other level, to the feeling that you don’t respect them for who they are, just as a woman is extremely vulnerable to the feeling that, “You only love me for one reason, and that’s sex.” There are certain things that just freeze a woman. “You don’t love me for me. What if I’m old and gray? Do you love me for me?” She will continually seek reassurance. “Do you love me for me?” He has a need; he doesn’t voice it. He doesn’t have as clear of a vocabulary, but he’s saying, “Do you still respect me for me?” I am fully persuaded that most men propose to her because of the glow. She looked up to him, admired him. He sees love through the grid of respect. And when that disrespect is there, he gets confused because he knows you love him, but you tell him you don’t respect him; so he shuts down. The simple answer to the question is unconditional respect. What is it? It’s your delivery. “How do I come across? Is that which I’m about to say going to feel respectful to him or disrespectful?” Nancy: So you suggest that as women we should ask ourselves, “Is what I’m about to do or say going to come across to him as respectful or disrespectful?” Dr. Eggerichs: That’s right. And tohim is the key—not how you feel about it, but how does he feel about it. Just as we say to men, you’ve go to ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to do or say going to feel loving to her or not?” Nancy: In your book you talk about the whole issue of self-righteousness, and you were really honest in saying that this is something you see sometimes in women. Tell us what you meant by that. Dr. Eggerichs: Well, by their own acknowledgement—and I was listening carefully—we see women as very righteous. We see them as godly. We see them as giving. Women are good. What happens in a marriage is that he sees her as righteous. You know, she goes to Bible study; she’s always talking about Jesus. There’s a freshness about her a lot of times. So he sees her as righteous, and he sees himself as unrighteous. He sees these dark side issues. He struggles with issues that women don’t struggle with. God made her differently, and she is sometimes taking credit, by the way, for things that God enabled her to have. And she passes judgment. Here’s my concern. He sees himself as unrighteous. He sees her as righteous. Then one day she sees him on the Internet with pornography, so now she sees him as unrighteous. She takes a snapshot of that, not representative of who he is; just as when she has P.M.S. (that’s Pre-Murder Syndrome). He could take a snapshot of her throwing something through the window and put it on the front page, and she’s incriminated. But that doesn’t represent who she is. You’ve got to be honest here, before Jesus Christ, about who this person really is. We can all incriminate somebody if you let us spend enough time with them and take a snapshot that is slanderous in its truth because it’s completely false. Nancy: It can be true of even little things. He leaves a towel on the floor constantly, and to her that comes to represent his whole . . . Dr. Eggerichs: “. . . because if he really cared about me, he would listen to me when I asked him to pick up the towel! Because he doesn’t, it must mean that I don’t matter.” Then, over a period of time, the towel becomes the symbol that “you really don’t care.” That’s a huge judgment to pass on someone. So back to my point on self-righteousness. He sees himself as unrighteous; he sees you as righteous. You see him as unrighteous because you catch him in something. And then one day—this is when it gets dangerous—you see yourself as more righteous than him. And the number one sin, Nancy, that Jesus confronted, that was the most difficult for Him to confront, was the religious, self-righteous person—because the religious, self-righteous person doesn’t see it. That’s why the Bible says Eve was deceived. I believe she was deceived in many ways in this area. Women are not always in tune with their sin. In fact, I asked the question in the book, because so many women were writing on some issues, “Where does a woman sin today?” She sins in response to her husband, who isn’t as loving as he ought to be. “So he’s really to blame.” And she sins when she’s exhausted with the children, and “that’s just . . .” Nancy: “. . . understandable.” Dr. Eggerichs: But any of the other issues—it’s a “family of origin” issue; it’s a chemical imbalance. She doesn’t overeat; she’s not a glutton—which the Bible talks about gluttony. You talk about no one going there with this! It’s an “eating disorder.” We’ve made most of the issues that she struggles with psychological. And that doesn’t mean that they’re not. Listen to me. “But he who is without sin,” you know, is in a very peculiar position, because what happens is (and here’s the point), your husband isn’t going to open up to you. He’s going to feel judged. How can he confess? How can he share with you his dark side if he feels that you’re so much better? And if you mother him . . . and that may be your motivation, but he sees that not as mothering but as condemnation. So one of the things that we’re encouraging women to do is to ask themselves, “Lord, does my husband have the freedom to confess his sin to me?” Here’s why this is so important. The issues that your husband is struggling with, you don’t, by nature. He has issues that you don’t have, and it’s so easy to judge another person based on my strengths. But what about the love chapter (1 Corinthians 13), not taking into account a wrong suffered? What about the issue of gossip? We could go down the line, if you wanted to, and incriminate women. That’s not the point I’m making. You just have different issues. But we can cloak it sometimes under this idea of care and love. When you unpack this biblically, these are violations of the heart of Abba. So what can a woman do? She needs to ask herself, “Am I coming across in a self-righteous way? I don’t intend to. I love my husband. I’m trying to help him; that’s my whole motivation.” But if he feels that you’re much more righteous than him, and he feels that you see him as much more unrighteous . . . I’m going to tell you a simple little principle: He won’t open up to you. And then you wonder why he sits there closed off. So maybe you could go back and say, “I’ve been doing some thinking. I have issues in my life that I struggle with that are different from yours. The Lord has impressed something on me. You struggle with issues that I don’t. And you know what? It’s been easy for me to pass judgment on you.” Nancy: Or to feel that he’s the center of all the problems. Dr. Eggerichs: Yes. But on this issue of confession and getting him to re-open: “I just want to seek your forgiveness for having sent a message of contempt, at times, and disrespect. I was really threatened at the core of my being by these issues because you’re so important to me, but I realize in the process that I was passing judgment. “Like the temptations sexually that are out there—I think I’ve really passed judgment rather than empathize as best I knew how. I think I’ve come across—because I was threatened and I felt so insecure—I really sent a message that I’m better than you and that you’re worse than me, and now you’re going to close off to me. Will you forgive me for being disrespectful?” And then just go quiet. Now, he may deserve disrespect. He may deserve the wrath of God. But the point here is, if you want to break through and get the man to reconnect with you, you have to do it this way. And when you do it this way, watch what happens. You may see tears come to this man’s eyes. He wants you to be his best friend. I predict that first year of marriage he told you everything. And you freaked out when he told you he had a temptation at the office because you don’t have those temptations, and it threatened you. You sent him a clear message: “Be open with me, but only about those issues that are going to increase the feelings of love between us. “If you tell me anything from the dark side of your soul that you’re struggling with that threatens me at the core of my being, then shut up. Don’t you tell me that at all, and don’t you pray with me about that.” Then you wonder why he’s not the spiritual leader? Because you told him, loud and clear, “Don’t you ever tell me your dark side issues that you’re struggling with. Don’t you ask me to pray with you about that. You just close off to me because I’m too threatened as a woman.” I’m saying to ladies; you’ve got to come back. Go back and seek his forgiveness for being disrespectful, and watch what happens. Oh, watch what happens! Leslie Basham: That’s our guest today, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of the book Love and Respect, along with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. As with most of our programs, we don’t have the time here on the radio to let you hear everything that was said. But our team wants you to hear it all. The entire extended interview is available on CD for a gift of any amount to Revive Our Hearts. Visit www.ReviveOurHearts.com for more information, or call 800-569-5959. Coming up in August we’re encouraging you to join us for the 30-Day TV-Free Challenge. You’ll be amazed how turning off the TV for one month will affect your family. Check out our website for more ideas and inspiration for living “outside the box.” Have you been listening to Dr. Eggerichs with some amount of skepticism? Have you thought, “I’ve tried all those things, but my husband just won’t respond”? Then join us tomorrow, when we’ll offer hope and encouragement to you when nothing seems to work. That’s on the next Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries. Note: Special offers available only during the broadcast of the radio series. 
Read and post comments about: Unconditional Respect*The following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate.
 Helen (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 6:48 AM)
"What about the husbands with narcisistic personality disorders who when you show them respect rather than turning back with love for you they respond with something more like, 'it's about time she realized how great I am'?" Gwen (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 9:08 AM)
"I have found your broadcast to be very helpful in my life. This is just one more example from God's word that I need to put to use in my life. It is not about how my husband treats me it is deeper than that, if I can't love and respect him that I can see, who is made in God's image, that I can't love God, whom I can't see. There is a deeper reality there, I have to respect him out of reverence for Christ and know that God is sovereign and controlling all things, including my husband. It's about how I react to the situation more than the situation, just because my husband may fail doesn't mean I have to fail." Shelly (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 9:11 AM)
"You know, I grew up in a physically, emtionally, and verbally abusive home. I would watch as my mother would get beaten by my father when he would come home drunk. Our pastor encouraged Mother to pray for him and to live out I Peter 3:1. It took a long time, but GOD got a hold of him and transformed him. It can happen. GOD is all powerful. GOD can do anything! He can make him a new creature!" Mary (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 9:18 AM)
"I think it's helpful when a husband is still unkind and rejecting of his wife after she has shown love and respect to him to remember that that's exactly how we've treated God! Yet he continued to pursue us--WOW! "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." It doesn't get more sacrificial than that." Rachel (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 9:27 AM)
"I am going to take the 30-day challange! I will need help from the father to do such an thing. Dr. Eggerichs was correct when he mentoned that a womans mind, body, and spirit is connected. My husband cannot make a mistake without me passing judgment on him and personalizing his sin and making it about how much he does not love me. I need to be secure in God so I can respect him inspight of his sin! " T\'pring (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 10:18 AM)
"I would just like to respond to Gwen's comment about when your husband's reponse is not what you hoped. If you are showing him respect you are in God's perfect will. You are not reponsible for the outcome. However, I think what is needed here is patience. I'm really impatient. I want my faithful behavior to be rewarded and appreciated immediately. I want satisfaction and I want it now! Pam (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 10:22 AM)
"Dear Helen,rnThere is a deference between respecting a person and not taking abuse! I hope there is someone in your life that you can talk to and get help. Giving someone respect does not meen that you should be physically and mentally demoralized. I hope that you find help. " T\\\\\\\'pring (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 10:23 AM)
"To Helen and Gwen, Janet (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 11:59 AM)
"Wow!! Lin (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 12:06 PM)
"It is just plain hard to live out what we know it's right sometimes, but nevertheless we are called to live a life worthy of His calling. It is only when we submit to the Spirit of God that He enables to live this life in a fallen world. It was good to be reminded that how we women can become so self-righteous and self-centered when we get so focused and concerned how we should be repaid with our good deeds and kindness. This is an area that we can trust God to make us perfect thru suffering and learn how to pick up the cross and follow Him. God uses even painful relationships as a tool of sanctification for our own good. " :) (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 12:22 PM)
"i just had a conversation with my new husband that he told me i sometimes make him feel stupid when we are with other couples. there is a difference between the two of us and that is i live for today and all the new gadgets that are out there. i love being on top of things in my job in hospital it is always changing and udating so you have to study so i am more well versed on many different subjects. he on the other hand is always bringing up in the olden days. he is only 34, he loves a magazine called Reminisce he will read that thing like if he was going to be quizzed on it. His best person to talk to is an 82 yr old guy. they have better conversations then we do. He is a truckdriver. I am 42 also whether that makes a difference. I guess my feelings is if he would take the initiative and get to know the changing society instead of always griping about way things are today he would understand me more..Does this make any sense to anyone? I need some help in communicating with my new husband" Xraybeth (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 2:17 PM)
"I find it interesting that Dr. Eggerichs thinks that women don't struggle with lust or attraction to the opposite sex and that women have to be the ones to bring the men back to the leadership position. Most young women I know of are tempted sexually and are confused about it. I would also submit that when men close off it is a form of emotional abuse and control most women fear emotional abandonment more than anything. I agree that respect is a key issue for both people and is absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship, however I think men have used the excuse for too long that they can't open up or be leaders because they are afraid of their spouses opinions. Nor do I believe that men think women are more righteous than they are. I believe men are allowed in our society to get away with more because of what we allow as a double standard. Case in point a young man in our society who is sexually active is considered a role model hero, stud. vs. a young woman who is considered a slut. Somewhere along the lines of teaching in the home young men have learned they don't have to respect or adhere to the same morals as young women and then the examples from their youth provide the foundation for their adult lives. I believe women are judgemental much more than men, but maybe there is a reason." Valerie (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 3:55 PM)
"I find it interesting that Dr. Eggerichs thinks that women don't struggle with lust or attraction to the opposite sex and that women have to be the ones to bring the men back to the leadership position. Most young women I know of are tempted sexually and are confused about it. I would also submit that when men close off it is a form of emotional abuse and control most women fear emotional abandonment more than anything. I agree that respect is a key issue for both people and is absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship, however I think men have used the excuse for too long that they can't open up or be leaders because they are afraid of their spouses opinions. Nor do I believe that men think women are more righteous than they are. I believe men are allowed in our society to get away with more because of what we allow as a double standard. Case in point a young man in our society who is sexually active is considered a role model hero, stud. vs. a young woman who is considered a slut. Somewhere along the lines of teaching in the home young men have learned they don't have to respect or adhere to the same morals as young women and then the examples from their youth provide the foundation for their adult lives. I believe women are judgemental much more than men, but maybe there is a reason." Valerie (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 3:55 PM)
"DEAR HELEN,rnI WAS ONCE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND I WAS PHYSCALLY AND VERBIALLY ABUSE I GOT UP ENOUGH CONFIDENCE IN CHRIST TO LEAVE THIS PERSON IN THE PROCESS OF BEING ALONE GOD TAUGHT ME HOW TO TRUST HIM HE BUILD UP MY CONFIDENCE IN HIM AND ALSO MYSELF I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU CAN MAKE IT AT THE TIME I WAS BEING ABUSE I HAD FOUR SMALL CHILDREN AND I TRUST GOD AND HE BROUGHT US THROUGH EVERY STORM AND EVERY TEST SO I JUST WANT TO ENCOURAGE YOU THAT YOU CAN MAKE IT. rnWITH MUCH LOVE" Sherry (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 4:54 PM)
"What Dr. Eggerichs has been saying is good but there is one thing he has missed about a wife showing respect to her husband and it is right in the passage in Ephesians 5 - submission. God placed the husband as head of the home. Let me use this illustration. People in the military submit to the commander-in-chief. They are submitting to the office not the person since they may very well have no respect for the person but they do for the office. Tim (on Thursday, July 6, 2006 at 9:39 PM)
"Oh, this is so to a "T"to my realtionship with my husband! Thank you for playing it!" Erin (on Friday, July 7, 2006 at 4:11 PM)
"To the women that do not want to respect their husbands: I know Dr.Eggerichs message is a tough message to swallow. I personally struggle with my commands to love my wife. Kurt (on Saturday, July 8, 2006 at 11:43 AM)
"Valerie- Truthseeker (on Saturday, July 8, 2006 at 6:15 PM)
"To Gwen & Helen who wrote on Thursday - July 6 - THANK YOU for bringing up both of your topics. To Nancy , the Doctor and The Pastor's wife - what should be done in the case of a husband having a personality disorder - which is often the casue of physical and emotional abuse? Of course God can and will heal - but what is a Christaian wife to do in the case of abuse --- abuse that stems out of mental illness. In addition to prayer and seeking counsel from a thearispt, trusted friend and/ or pastor. This message of hanging in there no matter what is great but what is the pratical application when there is abuse? --- Oh yeah - and what do you do when your husband is also your pastor?" Donna (on Monday, July 10, 2006 at 11:35 AM)
"RESPECT--out of obedience to God, (thanks to this program) i cover my husband in prayer and then i showed my husband respect...and BAM...he showed me love...All is well now. But is was not always well... Before this, i hated him and did not respect him and his choices...so he went somewhere else-to his ministry to get the respect he needed. so this was the crazy cycle. i was the more mature one and wanted to be obedient to God, so i was the one who "gave in first." i left him a note on the wrapper of a bar of soap, along with a fresh wash clothe and fresh smelling towel at the side of his shower. i knew he would see this after a long hard sweaty day of construction work. on the bar of soap, it read, "there are so many things that you do that i respect and i wanted to let you know this." Thank God , my husband responded with loving me and it has been getting better and better every day. Thank you for your program!" Coleen (on Thursday, July 27, 2006 at 11:54 AM)
"I appreciate the points on respecting husbands, but women also struggle with lust in our society. The comments about overeating seem really arrogant, as if the woman is being judged on how she looks by the man, and who is he to judge her if she is overweight? Especially with the number of men who are so fat! I think men fool themselves by an expired double standard when they think, "Women don't lust but men do so my wife had better stay skinny or it's her fault if I struggle with lust." Today it is more like, "There is Chippendales and the Ambercrombie ads that tempt women and they are being good wives when they don't bring up how their husbands compare physically to these guys." And men need to wake up and see that they owe the same respect to their wives! They don't 'deserve' a wife who doesn't overeat and they don't 'deserve' to look at airbrushed porn because they are men." Jessica (on Monday, September 24, 2007 at 4:33 PM)
"i think there is so much hurt and pain in the world. i think that when we need anything Allah will bring us to it, we need to be open for it. i as a woman when insecure have disrespected men. learnind to choose a suitable mate is important. developing a courtship and not ending up in bed before marriage is good, so we see who we all are. i just pray for all of us, and i think the abuse issue is relevant and no one should take abuse although all of us are good to give it at times and not see it. sometimes walking away from something bad will save our sanity, and a proper healing in which we are able to see the whole puzzle, including our own wrongdoing is crucial for the healing phase. may Allah bless us and guide us all, and let us accept the blessings." Aisha (on Sunday, April 20, 2008 at 8:10 PM)
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"My husband has been verbally and formerly physically abusive for the last ten years.
Am I supposed to just accept this and respect him?!!!!!!!!!!!!!"