The Lip Zip Principle

Series: When He Doesn't Believe

Leslie Basham: You’ve heard the old saying, “Actions speak louder than words”? Well according to Nancy Kennedy, it’s true.

Nancy Kennedy: You can be dishonest with your words, but not with your actions—they speak louder than anything you can say.

Leslie Basham: Today we’ll take a closer look at how important it is to live a life of integrity before a spouse who is not a Christian.

This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss on Wednesday, February 22nd.

Today we’re going to talk about what has to be one of the toughest lessons to learn and apply in the Christian life. It’s what Nancy Leigh DeMoss’ guest calls “Peter’s lip zip principle.” Nancy Kennedy is a wife, a mom, and the author of numerous books including the one they’re discussing this week, When He Doesn’t Believe. Here’s Nancy Leigh DeMoss with Nancy Kennedy.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Nancy, you tell a story in your book about a parrot and how you tried to use this parrot as part of your efforts to bring your husband to faith. You had come to know the Lord. Your husband didn’t share your faith. Tell us how you tried to educate this parrot.

Nancy Kennedy: Well, I knew that God tells wives to be quiet about their faith with their unbelieving husbands. But the Bible didn’t say anything about using birds. We had moved from Maine to California, and my husband was going to . . . he was going to work with my father who had a tool and die shop at the time.

Before we found a place to live, we stayed with my parents. Now my mom had a parrot named George. When my mom and my dad and my husband would leave for the day, I would spend time with this bird and I would say, “Jesus loves you. Repent and be baptized.”

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Is this true?

Nancy Kennedy: This is true. I was trying to train this parrot to proclaim the gospel. . .

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: . . . to your husband.

Nancy Kennedy: . . . to my husband. I had it all planned that when George would just share these bits of gospel truth I would to slap my cheek and say, “Even God’s creatures praise Him.” It didn’t work.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: (laughing) What happened?

Nancy Kennedy: What happened? God has mercy on innocence and fools, and I was definitely in the foolish category.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: So the bird didn’t cooperate?

Nancy Kennedy: The bird didn’t cooperate. That’s when I got an inclination of the power of God and who He is and that He has the power to tame even a bird’s tongue. And if He can tame a bird’s tongue, maybe he can tame mine.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: I have to keep coming back to that just every day of my life. That’s where I get in trouble. I’m single, so when you get into the realm of marriage this is even more important. Then as Peter talks about in his first epistle, particularly for a wife who’s living with a husband who is not a believer, does not share her faith. . . . Tell us about what you call “Peter’s lip zip principle.” We’re in 1 Peter chapter 3, verse 1.

Nancy Kennedy: There’s a phrase that says, “Without a word.” That literally means, “without a word,” as in no words, as in stop talking. See, as women we are verbal creatures, and we need to talk. God created us with this need to talk, and God created men not to need all that talk. Because God knows the workings of a man and He knows that men don’t appreciate a lot of words, He tells their wives, “Just be quiet.” Just be quiet and let your actions speak louder than words.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Peter goes on in that passage. He’s talking specifically to wives, and in that case to wives with unbelieving husbands. He says, “They may be won without a word by . . .” What? What does he tell us, instead of the words, we’re supposed to have?

Nancy Kennedy: By the purity of their behavior, by their quiet and gentle spirit.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: I think we as women often think about this gentle and quiet spirit, this meek spirit, this quiet spirit, we think, “Oh, well that means being mousy, never having an opinion, just having this very shy, quiet personality.” I have yet to meet the woman who says, “Yes. That comes easily or naturally for me.” So what does it mean to have a gentle and quiet spirit? Does it mean you have no personality? you never express yourself? you’re not outgoing? you just sit in a corner and smile?

Nancy Kennedy: No, not at all. You are who you are. You are to be who God created you to be. A gentle spirit is one that’s refined—not rough or harsh. It’s courteous and generous, tame, gracious, calming, calm. Now that doesn’t come naturally. It comes supernaturally, and we have all the resources available to us.

A gentle spirit would be someone who is welcoming. I liken it to a cold glass of water on a hot day—it’s refreshing and soothing. Quietness is more of an inner quality. It’s a stillness of your soul; it’s a contentment. It’s a quietness before God, and it all comes from knowing who God is and being secure that we don’t have to nag with our tongue. We don’t have to berate with our tongue. We don’t have to do all the things that come naturally.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: We don’t have to control . . .

Nancy Kennedy: We don’t have to control.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: . . . manipulate, fix . . .

Nancy Kennedy: That’s right.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: . . . or change everyone around us because of our trust in who God is.

Nancy Kennedy: Right. And that quietness of spirit—that’s attractive to people. When you’re always preaching and screeching the gospel—that is not attractive. But when you are secure, and when you have that quietness. . . . Now does that mean being meek and mousy and never having an opinion? No. That just means being quiet in your spirit even if everything around you is in turmoil.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Some of the women we’re hearing from on Revive Our Hearts are living in a storm. I mean, their husband has alcohol problems. They’ve got wayward, rebellious kids; dealing with major financial issues and struggles. The world around us may be very stormy. The waves may be very high. But you’re saying that a woman in the midst of that, if her trust is in God, that she really can be secure and stable and calm?

Nancy Kennedy: Absolutely.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: I love that verse in Zephaniah that says, “Do not fear. Do not let your hands hang limp. The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love” (NIV).

Ultimately that talks to us about the condition of our hearts, which is where all this tongue problem comes from in the first place.

Nancy Kennedy: Right. Jesus said that the words we speak reflect what’s in our hearts. So really the problem with our tongue is a problem with out heart. We have to get our heart right. If our heart is right, then our words will be right.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: And it’s not just words. We women can communicate volumes with our eyes, with body language, with sighs. Yet there are times when as a helper to your husband you do need to address an issue in his life—something that you see that you know is destroying him or destroying your family. So how can you use words wisely and appropriately at those times to really be a helper?

Nancy Kennedy: I call them “grace sandwiches.” You need to begin by speaking words of grace at all times to your husband, so when it comes time to confront him that [he doesn’t think] this is just a trick. So he doesn’t say, “Oh, she’s saying something nice to me; therefore, she’s going to ambush me or something.”

I remember speaking to a woman, and she was telling me that her husband had a drinking problem, and she didn’t’ say anything for a good ten years. Her husband was not a Christian. She didn’t know if she should say something. If she did, would it be interfering with what God wanted to do in His life? She really wrestled with this.

So finally after ten years, she realized that she needed to say something to her husband. So what she said to him. . . . One day they were sitting on their front porch and she said, “I love you, but I don’t like it that you’re out drinking with your friends. Sometimes you stay out till 2:00 and 3:00 in the morning. I miss you.”

You see what she did? She started with, “I love you.” Then she told him what she didn’t like, and then she ended it with, “I miss you.” She didn’t say, “You’re a dirty, rotten, stinking drunk.” She said, “I don’t like it that you’re out drinking with your friends. I love you. I miss you.”

She didn’t attack his character; she pointed out a behavior. She told me that her husband was absolutely surprised because for ten years she hadn’t said anything. She could have really destroyed her husband, but instead, she didn’t. She fed him a “grace sandwich.” We are all hungry for those.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: That’s why the apostle Paul says in Ephesians chapter 4, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths.” None, none at all, none that tears down. “But only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (verse 29).

I wonder if as you’re listening today there isn’t a “grace sandwich” that you need to feed your husband today, tonight, before this day is over. Ask the Lord to show you how to speak words of grace fitting to the occasion, words that minister grace and build him up?

Leslie Basham: Well, what do you think? Is your tongue completely under God’s control? I know I have to work on the “lip zip principle” from time to time. Our guest this week is Nancy Kennedy who’s written a book especially for women who feel alone in their faith.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Although I want to be quick to say, “I think this is a book that every wife needs to read because there are some very important principles here. So don’t be embarrassed to order this book, even if you’re in a great Christian marriage.” And you say, “What will people think if they see me with a book called When He Doesn’t Believe?” They’ll think, “That’s odd.” You just tell them that there are principles in this book that every wife needs to understand in order to have an even better marriage.

Leslie Basham: Again, the title of the book by Nancy Kennedy is When He Doesn’t Believe. You can order it from us by visiting ReviveOurHearts.com. There are also transcripts of the first time Nancy was a guest on Revive Our Hearts. You can read them at ReviveOurHearts.com.

We’ve been talking about the importance of keeping our tongues under the control of the Holy Spirit, but maybe you’re in the opposite boat. You’ve been hurt by another’s lack of control of their tongue.

I want to recommend an article you’ll find at our website. It’s called, “Overcoming the Curse of Words,” and it lists nine steps you can take to break free from the curse of hurtful words in your life.

Finally, if Revive Our Hearts gives you practical advice that you apply in your home, would you consider helping us share our message with other women? We’re able to come to you every day because of the prayer support and donations of listeners like you. So would you prayerfully consider contributing to the ministry?

Go to ReviveOurHearts.com and click on “Make a Difference.” If you’d rather call, our toll free number is 1-800-569-5959.

Should a wife pray for her unbelieving husband? Most of us would agree that yes, she should. But how? That’s what Nancy Kennedy and Nancy Leigh DeMoss will discuss tomorrow. I hope you can join us for another edition of Revive Our Hearts.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

All Scripture used is taken from the English Standard Version, unless otherwise noted.

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