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Daily ProgramChoosing Love33 Series: When He Doesn't Believe Monday, February 20 2006  Leslie Basham: Today’s guest on Revive Our Hearts, Nancy Kennedy, says there comes a point in most marriages where the wife feels like she doesn’t have love for her husband. Nancy Kennedy: No, you don’t, but God does. First you go to Him and you get the love that you so desperately crave. Then He gives you more than enough. It just spills over—you have love to give to someone else. Leslie Basham: Today, learn how you can give love even when your husband doesn’t share the same spiritual priorities you do. It’s Monday, February 20th, and you’re listening to Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Any time two people live under the same roof there will be times when love seems to be missing. But as we’ll see today, it can be especially difficult when one loves the Lord and the other doesn’t. Here’s Nancy. Nancy Leigh DeMoss: We’re talking this week with Nancy Kennedy who’s the author of a book called When He Doesn’t Believe. In this book she offers help and encouragement for women who feel alone in their faith. Nancy, thanks so much for joining us this week on Revive Our Hearts. Nancy Kennedy: Hi, Nancy. Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Nancy ’s been a guest with us before on Revive Our Hearts, and I so appreciate, Nancy, the wisdom that God has given you about how to live with a husband who may not share your faith. Nancy, you tell a story of how you met your husband; you got married, and then you fell in love. Nancy Kennedy: We had been married 12 years until we fell in love. I just love to tell this story. We were living in California. We went to Florida to visit his (Barry’s) parents. At the time it was a difficult visit. Barry’s mother was sick, although nobody knew it, and she and I got into it. She had always thought that I was odd, and she never understood my Christianity. And one night we got into it, and for the first time in our married life, Barry chose me over his parents. He stood in the kitchen and he said, “This is my wife. You will not treat her this way.” Then he wanted to take me and our girls home that moment back to California. I told him no. I didn’t think we should. Later we realized that was the last time we ever saw his mother alive, so we are very glad that we didn’t leave. But when we finally got to the airport, Barry’s mother had given him a ring that he wore as a child, and he gave it to me. He said, “You know, when we first got married, I didn’t love you. But I do now.” I knew that, and I was so relieved and so able to say, “I didn’t love you either, but now I do.” So I say that we fell in love in the Tampa airport 12 years after we were married. Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Now, your marriage did not get off to a great start. Neither of you was from a believing background. You married for, probably in retrospect, for all the wrong reasons. Three years into your marriage you came to faith in Christ, and you were so enthusiastic and warm about your newfound faith. But it didn’t happen that way with your husband. So talk to us about this whole matter of learning to love a man who isn’t where you are spiritually. How can a woman . . . and we have lots of women listening who are either married to a nonbeliever or to a husband that they’re not sure where he is spiritually or a husband who’s real rough around the edges spiritually. What is the basis that will allow any woman to love her husband? Nancy Kennedy: Well, first of all we have to find what love is. A lot of women I’ve talked to, and you’ve talked to a lot of women I’m sure, who are married; but they really do not like their husbands. They say, “I don’t love him anymore.” But God says that we are to love one another. So how can a woman do that when she doesn’t feel love? How can you do love? I’m saying that it is possible because all things are possible with God. Nothing is impossible. He gives sufficient grace. He makes all grace abound to us, so we are able to do that which we think that we cannot do. When you say, “I just can’t love him,” what you’re really saying is that “I won’t.” What you’re really saying is, “I don’t believe God can enable me to love this man that I don’t have feelings for anymore.” Nancy Leigh DeMoss: So we’re saying that God would not command you to love your husband if He wouldn’t give you the grace and ability to do that. Help the woman who’s in a marriage where either they never really loved each other or she’s wondering if she can even continue to stay married to this man. She’s entertaining thoughts of divorce, and you come in here and you say, “You really can learn to love your husband.” Where does she start? Nancy Kennedy: Well, when Barry and I first got married, I don’t think I loved him. I didn’t even know him. We only got married after knowing each other for three months. Once that infatuation wears off and you realize . . . you wake up and you think, “I have to be with this man for the rest of my life.” What I didn’t know was that the love that I wanted and craved, and the love that I wanted to receive, and the love that I wanted to give to another man first comes from God. It’s from being filled with God’s love for me. Only then can I love anybody. So for the woman who says, “I don’t have love for this man.” No, you don’t, but God does. First you go to Him, and you get the love that you so desperately crave. Then He gives you more than enough. It just spills over—you have love to give to someone else. So we go to Him. And you know, there’s a beautiful Scripture in Isaiah that says, “Your maker is your husband” (54:5, ESV). So for women who are married to men that they just do not like. . . . Maybe it’s a spiritual difference. You’re married to an unbeliever, and there’s that wall of separation, that intimacy that you crave. Or maybe you’re married to a wonderful Christian man that just has some faults that kind of irritate you. It doesn’t matter. God is our husband, and that is the primary love relationship we’re to have. Nancy Leigh DeMoss: When that relationship is vital and growing, that becomes the basis for learning to love on a human level. Nancy Kennedy: Right. And love—again we’re back to defining what love is—love isn’t always the warm, gushy feeling. Love is action. Nancy Leigh DeMoss: By saying that love is an action you’re really saying that love is a choice—that we can choose to act in a way that is in the best interest of the other person regardless of who they are or what they do or how they act. Nancy Kennedy: Right. I have a friend whose husband had a drinking problem. He was a nonbeliever. Now he is a believer and he is wonderfully committed, but at the time she didn’t really like him. The one chore that she hated most was folding his underwear. She just hated that, and every time she had to do it, it would just tear her up inside. Finally, she realized that she didn’t want to do it for him, but she wanted to do it for Jesus. So she would grit her teeth and say, “Jesus, I’m doing this for you.” Well, the more she did it for Jesus, the more it softened her heart for her husband. And as she would fold his underwear, she would pray for her husband. I love to remember that story. Nancy Leigh DeMoss: So the action really is what ultimately will produce the right feelings, rather than waiting for the feelings to produce the action. Nancy Kennedy: Right. Nancy Leigh DeMoss: You talk a lot about the importance of respecting your husband. You know and I know that some husbands don’t act respectably—just as some wives don’t act respectably. How can she do that if he’s selfish or rude or crude, or drunk every other night and the rest of the time he’s watching trash on television? I mean, a lot of women are just living with those circumstances that are a whole lot less than ideal. How can she start to develop an attitude of respect and admiration for a husband like that? Nancy Kennedy: First of all, you have to eliminate the word jerk from your vocabulary. Women get together and they have “my husband is a bigger jerk than your husband” competitions. But if you think of your husband as a jerk, you will treat him as if he was a jerk. Then he will not disappoint you. Nancy Leigh DeMoss: He will live up to it. Nancy Kennedy: He will live up to it. Your husband might have jerky behaviors, but he is a man created in the image of God, and he is worthy of respect for that reason. Now, I remember talking to a woman, and she was telling me all the things that she hated about her husband. I said, “Okay, tell me one thing that you can respect about him.” It stopped her. I said, “You can’t say nothing. You have to tell me one thing.” She thought a very long time and then she said, “He lets me enroll our kids in Christian school, and he comes to the school functions.” I thought to myself, “That is major. That is big.” I said, “Okay, you think about that. Every time you see him sitting on the couch watching what you consider to be trash TV, you remind yourself of this aspect of your husband; and you tell him how much you admire him for that and how much you are thankful and grateful. Then choose one more thing and then one more thing. If you think that there’s nothing else, ask God because God knows this man, and He knows what is worthy of respect in your husband.” Leslie Basham: That’s Nancy Kennedy, author of a book called When He Doesn’t Believe. She was speaking with our host, Nancy Leigh DeMoss, who’ll be back in just a moment with a closing word. We do have Nancy Kennedy’s book here at Revive Our Hearts. This is particularly helpful for you or a friend who needs comforting insight and practical advice on what to do and not do when he doesn’t believe. Visit ReviveOurHearts.com if you’d like to order a copy of When He Doesn’t Believe. There’s also a CD of this week’s programs, and one featuring the last time Nancy Kennedy was a guest on Revive Our Hearts back in the fall of 2003. Again, you can order those CDs at ReviveOurHearts.com, or call 1-800-569-5959. Nancy? Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Nancy Kennedy has given us some great, practical counsel today, and I want to challenge you regardless of the condition of your marriage or the condition of your husband to ask God to show you one thing that you can respect or admire about your husband. Philippians chapter 4 (verse 8) tells us that we are to think on those things that are good and beautiful and virtuous and that if we do, the God of peace will be with us, and the peace of God will keep our hearts. So think about that one thing. Maybe you have a big long list, but maybe you say, “I couldn’t fill a 3x5 card with things I appreciate about my husband.” Ask God to show you one. Begin to thank God for that quality, that thing you appreciate. Why don’t you decide before the day is over to let your husband in some way know that you appreciate that aspect, that quality, in his life? Begin to express that admiration, that appreciation, and watch God begin to soften your heart and then perhaps even your husband’s heart as you express the love of Christ. Leslie Basham: If you’re willing to, why don’t you share that one thing with the rest of us? Go to ReviveOurHearts.com and at the end of the transcript for today’s program you can leave a comment on our comment blog. Tell us what that one thing is that you appreciate about your husband. Now, you wouldn’t take a chainsaw and sledgehammer to your own house, would you? Tomorrow we’ll find out how to avoid being what Nancy Kennedy calls a “demolition queen.” I hope you’ll join us for Revive Our Hearts. Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries. Note: Special offers available only during the broadcast of the radio series. 
Read and post comments about: Choosing Love*The following comments do not necessarily reflect the views of Revive Our Hearts. We reserve the right to remove comments which might be unhelpful, unsuitable, or inappropriate.
 Sarika (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 4:34 AM)
"my parents marriage are in trouble, my mum has given her heart to the Lord & my dad is a non-believer. Sarika (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 4:43 AM)
"For Sarika: Cindy (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 5:18 AM)
"I need lots of prayer. Our marriage of 20 yrs. has been stressful, your talk is vital as I need to learn to love him with God's love, please pray for our marriage and home. I will focus on the one thing today, by God's grace...to admire..that he is a Christian and stays committed/faithful to me despite our state of relationship...we really need God's intervention. Thank you for your program to help us women lead a life pleasing to God." Pb (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 6:35 AM)
"Thank you so much for your program!My husband and I started our marriage(40 yrs.April) going to church.Vietnam,clergy sexual abuse of one of our sons,too many "church" meetings BUT my husband has never told me I can't attend church and has always been supportive of me.Please pray for his salvation.Thank you!!!!" Patti (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 7:26 AM)
"My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We have been through a lot during that time. We have not been on the same page spiritually because there came a time when I charged whole-heartedly into my Protestant background (even though we were married in the Catholic church). My husband has remained Catholic, which is challenging with 3 children (that is another struggle altogether). However, there is one thing I truly admire about my husband and that is his respect for his parents and his selfless, giving heart for everyone. That is why I can relate to Nancy Kennedy when she felt as though her husband was on his parents "side" and not hers, because I always felt dead last on my husband's list. There came a moment wherein my husband defended me against his family. Although he does not always defend me...there are times when he side steps the issues. Nothing has means more to me when he does defend me against his family and that is why now it is so easy for me to defend him to my family instead of just calling him a "jerk". I can look back and see the respect I have for him. Mar (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 9:33 AM)
"Hi Nancy, Korky (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 9:57 AM)
"Your program woke me this morning....I was very thankful, because last night I poured my heart out to the Lord, crying and praying about my conviction of not loving my husband,who is an unbeliever. Our current trials as caused a wedge in our marriage, and has caused me not to love and desire him any more. I realized that I may not have loved him from the time we got married approximately 16yrs ago. I committed my life to the Lord's calling two years after we were married. I began to obey the commandments of the Lord, but somewhere of the last few years I have lost focus, and have allowed my husband's action dictate my actions and how I will demostrate my love for him. Of course, my demonstration was not of God, therefore I did not and cannot show that love.rnrnAll of your comments are exactly what I am feeling. I did not know where I was going to start in this process, therefore my prayers to the Lord were answered through you. Thanks." A.o. (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 10:03 AM)
"Your conversation with Nancy Kennedy met a real need in my life, today. I was asking myself why I should help help this man get ready for work, when I have this great need for intimacy that a husband is "supposed to provide", and I feel like I can't love someone who doesn't know how to meet my needs, and only seems to express himself when something is wrong. Kim (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 11:06 AM)
"Our teenage son was diagnosed with a neurological disorder two years ago. Since the diagnosis I have seem a real positive change in my husband toward our son. He is much more patient(which isn't one of his strong points I must admit)with our son and instead of becoming angry attempts to understand why our son says and does some of the things he does. I have mentioned to my husband the change I have seen and will continue to do so. It is really true that actions must come before feelings. Not only our actions towards our husbands but positive actions they demonstrate can increase our love for them or possibly even rekindle a dying flame. It's amazing how God can take a seemingly negative situation and bring something positive out of it. The program today was a real blessing to me." S.r. (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 12:28 PM)
"Hi, Nancy. Thank you very much for bringing Nancy K. today's program. Today's topic moved me to let me post my comments. I married to a man from Mexico, who works in a factory. When we married in the city hall (not married in a church, yet), my parents in Japan thought that I was going crazy because I have chosen a man who is not educated and not making money as much as me. Over two years, I thought of why I chose this man. I was not a believer, back then, but somehow often asked myself why I was with him. I also complained so much to my husband why I had to do all the chores while he was sitting in front of TV. But I do know one good thing aboug him. One day he took me to his village in Mexico, where I felt so much of God's love in people and nature. My husband never foreced me to believe in God, however, as I went to Mexico, I really wanted to learn about God. Since I first went to a church in Japan when I was ten (at that time I went there because the kids would get Christmas present), it took me about twenty five years to believe in God. Now I'm enrolled in RCIA in a parish near by my home. I thank my husband for letting me spend time with Jesus every Thursday night. As I learned God and his teachings, I saw a difference inside of me: my heart got soften. Then, I don't see any issue with house chores and my husband became very helpful towards to my chores! I never even asked him for it. Also, he became more active to fix up our residence. I also believe in a fact that God put me with this man to grow with him. I would like to know more about God every day to love my husband and my daugther. Thank you, Nancy. I'm looking forward to tomorrow's show." Yuko (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 12:31 PM)
"Hi, Nancy. I did tune in today, and I am glad I did. Your guests comments about taking the JERK out of your vocabulary about your husband. My husband "says he is saved", but will not consider attending church. We have been married for 35 yrs., have 3 children and 4 grandchildren. My husband has always been a good provider for us. He does all kinds of home remodeling - we just bought another house. I kept thinking this will make our relationship better. I even have a song that I sing to him JERKMAN to the tune of Batman. I knew I shouldn't be doing this. I keep forgetting where my strength comes from and relying on my own strength and then I fail in loving him. I praise God for your broadcast. I have to let the LORD be my husband and meet my unmet needs. I pray, but this situation may never change. Thank you." Beverly (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 1:32 PM)
"Yuko-- Rachel (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 2:05 PM)
"I so enjoyed the program this morning....and it could not have come at a better time. My husband and I had a bad night last night. Boy can I relate to this topic of not liking or respecting your husband. I am a Christian but I am not sure about him. He is mean to me and my kids--always criticizing us, making us all sad. Our home is not a happy place. Thank you so much for presenting the challenge of finding one thing to respect and focusing on that. And then asking God to help look for other positive areas to focus on. I am doing this starting TODAY. It's just so hard to be kind to someone who is not kind. I have never faced a struggle as difficult and draining as this is. Please pray that God will help me and my family to find peace and joy. Thanks again for this wonderful program!" Amy (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 2:19 PM)
"Hello, Nancy I take time out each day to read the days program and it touches me each time. I would like to say that I will be married for 20 years this August. What I respect and admire about my husband is that he takes time to take care of me each day. I have Anemia and he makes sure that I eat right to keep other symptoms away. He also tells me that he loves and needs me each day. I am grateful to GOD for him. He recently gave his life to Christ a few months ago and now we feel that we are truly one. Yes we have our challenges but now we are able to bring it to the Saviour and let him take care of it. We have five children and we do not always agree but I must say that things are better now that we are both on the same path. Thanks for bringing the positives to the light. Sonia Sonia (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 3:04 PM)
"Hi, Nancy - Bonnie (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 4:34 PM)
"I just read the transcript for today. Boy, is it timely and needed for me. I've been married almost 20 years and about 4 years ago realized I didnt love me husband. I tried that "action" love but it didnt work and it frustrated me so much I stepped outside my marriage for love. That ruined my life and now my husband and I are like 2 strangers in a home. i realize now that I do love him, in a deeper more meaningful way than I did when we got married, but he now does not love me.and says he will leave me next June. I vasillate between showing him that I love him and being aloof with him when our situation makes me upset. I need to show consistent love and respect. I need God's help daily to do so. Please pray for me." Bev (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 5:07 PM)
"About 10 years and 3 children into our marriage, I found out that my husband had had an affair several years before. I really came to despise him even though he said he had made a choice to stay with me & our 2 children at that time and that he loved me. I hated him for how he had misused my total trust in his fidelity. At a Women's Aglow meeting the speaker shared a similar testimony but encouraged us to find one thing good about our husbands and begin to Praise the Lord daily for that. All I could think of that was good was his blue eyes. From there the Lord showed me many, many great things about him and I truly fell in love all over again. He has begun a true man of God, a leader in the church and community, and a completely devoted husband. We had a 4th baby after that and now the kids are grown up and in homes of their own. We just celebrated our 40th anniversay, we have 6 great grandkids, and yes, you can love your husband and forgive as you yield to the Lord for His guidance and great love." Joyce (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 6:06 PM)
"Thank you so much for your program today. Barb (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 6:30 PM)
"Your program today was very interesting! My husband and I have been married for almost a year, so we are still in the newlywed stage! We are trying to keep it that way forever! He is a great provider and lover, as well as a host of other things. Thanks for just reminding us all to love and respect our husbands." Jennifer (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 8:05 PM)
"I just read your show for today and it lines up with my "Believing God" Beth Moore study for today, Loving someone who is hard to love. I now have no love for my husband, who is divorcing me after 26 years of marriage. The one good thing about him is that I'm believing the God inside can do far greater things in him than I can ever do. He's invited Jesus into his heart 8 years ago. The sad thing is that my daughter is getting married this summer. He is abusive to me and I just say to myself - If God can't change him, who can? I suffer from bipolar disorder and have been hospitalized many times because his abuse leads to suciduial thoughts in me. Well God knows all and I will still bless Him. Eileen (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 8:51 PM)
"What perfect timing of this program. I have been married for almost 17 years, and my husband professes to be a Christian - but there hasn't been any growth in his life to reflect the evidence of his faith in Christ. He goes to church -which is a positive thing. Yesterday I was talking with him about prayer and he made a comment about praying to "his God" and that he may pray different than I pray to "my God". Then I knew where he stood on this issue. There is only ONE true God, and I realize how much more I need to pray for him. I also realize I can't slow my growth because of the choices he makes. All things are possible with God, and without Him, where would any of us be? Thank you Nancy, for being so tuned in to the issues that women deal with. " Patty (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 9:27 PM)
"I was so pleased that upon leaving an appointment this morning I was able to catch most of the program on the radio. It is so encouraging that a single woman has such ability, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to minister to married women in such crucial areas. With two young, wonderful boys with food allergies underfoot all day I am regularly exhausted and showing love to my husband needs to be more of a priority. Adrienne (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 10:22 PM)
"I was at work this morning building cabinets, when i heard the show. I'd like to say over the years being with different men and married once before I believe for once in my life my second husband i admire his faithfullness to me. Don makes me feel like a woman.I thank Christ for this new meaning of marriage in my life." Angela (on Monday, February 20, 2006 at 11:11 PM)
"I have been struggling in my marriage almost since it began. I have been entertaining thoughts of divorce. A dear friend pointed me to this transcript, and it was very meaningful for me. After a lot of thought - one thing I can respect about my husband is he shows our 5 son's love. He still holds them on his lap, hugs them & tucks them in, reads to them and plays games & stuff with them. I am thankful he is a loving dad to the boys. I will be working on this and trusting God will provide me with another quality." Lora (on Tuesday, February 21, 2006 at 8:49 AM)
"Dear Nancy, I just love your program and listen to it almost every day. Judy (on Tuesday, February 21, 2006 at 9:07 AM)
"I heard your program yesterday. I am probably your first male listener responding. This message cuts me straight to my heart. My situation is exactly reversed. My wife and I are Christians and we have been married for 18 years. My wife has been talking about divorcing me. About a month ago she told me she does not love me anymore; and there is no love between us. I feel just the opposite; I am very much in love with her. She criticizes everything I do, beginning with the way I talk to our children to my spiritual maturity. Our pastor has recommended us to seek counseling, but she refuses to get any counseling. She says we will leave it up to God. She mentions that she had never loved me, she says she realized this the very second day of our honeymoon. I am so dumb founded and hurt. We have two teenagers and I am lost for words. Raj (on Tuesday, February 21, 2006 at 2:25 PM)
"I have followed this topic on -line and I tell you this is not only for women with non believing husbands it's also for those of us with believing husbands and just can't seem to come together with our faith. Even in that I know God will fix it if I do what he says to do in respect to my husband. One thing I love that my husband does for me is he keeps me looking EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD!!!! He always buys me good looking clothes no matter what! When we go out I feel like a million bucks-all because of him and I love that about him." Sonja (on Wednesday, February 22, 2006 at 12:50 PM)
"Because my first husband commetted suicide due to his alcholism and being fired from his job - God gave me faith to believe that He would be my husband and a father to my children. I raised 3 children ages 4, 6 & 8 - God brought a Christian man into my life - although he had been divorced years before - his second wife died of cancer. Darlene (on Friday, February 24, 2006 at 10:40 AM)
"God allowed various testings and trials during my walk with Him as a widow. But He was faithful and true to keep me in His care - praise God." Darlene (on Friday, February 24, 2006 at 10:42 AM)
"Nancy Kennedy. We have a Different Pages bible study at our church. We study how to glorify God in these types of marriages where we are on different pages spiritually. Your book is a great study. Our bible study has become an amazaing "safe place" and has shown me the body of Chirst at work. Thank you also for your program Nancy. When I listen God always meets me here. Love to you both in Christ - Wendy " Wendy (on Friday, March 3, 2006 at 6:24 AM)
"Dear ROH Zoe (on Sunday, April 9, 2006 at 4:46 PM)
"My mother came to Christ 10 years after marrying my father. 50 years later (several months ago), he came to Jesus at 84. My mom and I were talking about all this today. It was very rough for many years for her. She said two things got her through; Jesus and learning forgiveness. :-)" Sandy (on Thursday, July 23, 2009 at 4:43 PM)
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"I am married to a non-believer. I think today's discussion was excellent. i was guilty of not loving my husband for the past 4 years. i have committed this to the Lord, & there is a change in our lives & marriage. he is not saved as yet but trusting the lord it will happen one day. i will appreciate my husband more each & practice what Nancy has thought us.
God bless!!!!!
Sarika "