A Unique Loneliness

Series: When He Doesn't Believe: An Interview With Nancy Kennedy

Leslie Basham: A Christian wife with an unbelieving husband can face a unique kind of loneliness when she goes to church. Here is author, Nancy Kennedy, talking with Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Kennedy: She knows that she is alone. She does not belong in the singles; she does not belong in the divorce recovery group. You know, there is a group for everybody at church, but where does she fit?

Leslie Basham: This is Revive Our Hearts, with Nancy Leigh DeMoss for Monday, October 6. Here is Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: We are talking this week about Christian women who are married to unbelieving husbands. Yet, I want to add that most of what we are saying would apply equally to Christian women with believing husbands because every marriage has its issues.

And in every marriage, a woman must deal with what we are going to talk about today, which is runaway emotions. How do we deal with those feelings?

Our guest today is Nancy Kennedy, who has written a wonderful book called, When He Doesn't Believe. The sub-title is Help and Encouragement for Women Who Feel Alone in Their Faith.

Nancy, when you were first married, more than twenty-five years ago, neither you nor your husband were believers. Then, about three years into your marriage, you came to faith in Christ.

Since that time, you have lived in a marriage, learning to love and build a good marriage with a man who does not share your faith. I so appreciate the chapter in your book about dealing with the feelings that are involved with a marriage, particularly where there is not the shared faith.

Help those of us who are not in that kind of situation to know what to do when we go to church and find women there alone; their mate is not with them in church. He is not sharing their faith.

What are some of the feelings that a woman in that situation is going through? Help us understand and relate, based on your own experience in your marriage to Barry.

Nancy Kennedy: Well, probably the number one emotion is loneliness. When two people get married, "the two shall become one flesh" (Ephesians 5:31). Women in this situation desperately want to be one with their husbands.

However, he is just not there, he is just not interested. So, there is a wall of separation, a spiritual wall of separation. No human being can penetrate it because it is spiritual.

Therefore, a woman sitting in church alone realizes she is alone. She is married, but not married. She is single, but not single. So, she really does not fit anywhere; and she is very acutely aware of that.

Also, well-meaning Christians want to give advice. They say things like, "Well, if you are the person that God wants you to be, then He will work on your husband." Or, they say, "Honey, you just have to have more faith." So, this woman is saying to herself, "How much faith is enough?"

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: How good do I have to be?

Nancy Kennedy: Yes, how good do I have to be? She feels isolated from the people at church. She is lonely in her home, and she is lonely at church. And, there is a danger in that loneliness.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: She can actually become vulnerable.

Nancy Kennedy: Actually, it seems that any Christian woman, no matter what the spiritual condition of her husband, is never satisfied with the husband that God has given her. We always want just a little more. I think that is our basic human nature.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: You know, it is important to remember that this is true, not only in your marriage, but it is true in what you think is the most wonderful, godly marriage that you see.

And, if you are thinking, as many women do, If only my husband were more like so and so, then it would be so easy for me to be a happy, contented, godly wife. What you do not know is that wife is also having to deal with loneliness in some areas of her own marriage.

Nancy Kennedy: The danger is when you start comparing your own marriage or your own husband to that of someone else. In addition, when you are married to an unbeliever, it is amazing the godly men that you will run into everywhere who will offer you compassion. Maybe even offer to give you a man's perspective and"¦

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: What is the danger there?

Nancy Kennedy: The danger is that a lonely heart is not a discerning heart. It only wants to be comforted. And, so, you start depending on this relationship. Even if it goes no further than your thoughts, it has the potential to become an adulterous relationship.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: An emotional affair.

Nancy Kennedy: Right.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: So you are saying, "Guard your heart."

Nancy Kennedy: Guard your heart. Do not make another man your confidante, not even your pastor.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: So, where does a woman turn? Who is her confidante?

Nancy Kennedy: God! God is her confidante. I have a brown armchair in my house. When I am feeling anything, I go and sit on that chair. I drape my legs across the arm, and I rest my head against the back of that chair.

To me, I am on the Father's lap. That is where I go to get all of my needs met. You know, even if my husband were the strongest Christian, I would still have needs. And I would still need to go to the Father because that is what we were created for. We were created for dependency on Him and Him alone.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Nancy, I so appreciate your perspective on this, and your sharing your heart and the cautions. You have just given a word of warning.

There are some who are listening who are lonely in their marriage, for whatever reasons, and perhaps have looked outside their marriage for another man to provide comfort and companionship. They are playing with fire.

You are saying and I am saying, "Run." Do not allow another man, other than your husband, to become your source, your supply of what God wants to, can and will give you in your marriage.

Sometimes, it means running into the face of those emotions and choosing against what your emotions are screaming out for you to do. But, we have to do it. If we do not, we will really pay serious consequences down the road.

You talk about other emotions that you have had to deal with in your marriage. One of those is frustration.

Nancy Kennedy: Well, it is frustrating for a woman who has prayed for her husband for maybe ten, twenty or even thirty years to look around the church and to see other husbands coming to faith.

She may think, But, I have been praying the hardest. I have been good, God. I have done all the right things. It will be frustrating unless you come back to the truth that salvation is not on a first-come, first-served basis.

It has nothing to do with how good we are because we are not good. It has nothing to do with how well we pray. It has nothing to do with our spiritual disciplines. It all has to do with God and His sovereign plan.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: As you experience those kinds of emotions, whether it is loneliness, frustration or fear, it is so important to replace those negative thoughts and feelings with the truth.

What are some of the basic truths, Nancy, that you have clung to in your marriage, which have helped to steady your emotions and keep you stable in that marriage?

Nancy Kennedy: My husband is not the enemy. We have an enemy of our souls but it is not our husbands. My husband is the one that God has given me to love and love does not depend on my feelings.

Love is an action. Love is a decision. So, even if I do not feel love at the moment, I can still do love. The scripture is clear that a wife is to respect her husband because of his position in the home and not because he may or may not deserve it.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: And, again, regardless of the spiritual condition of the husband, regardless of the challenges in the marriage, we as women, are going to have emotions and feelings to deal with.

I think that one of the most precious promises in God's Word comes from the Book of Zephaniah, chapter 3, verse 17, that tells us God will quiet us with His love.

When those emotions are raging and stormy, we think, I am going to burst out of my skin here if this situation does not get resolved or settled. My goodness, our emotions as women are so prone to fluctuate. There are times when we feel so out of control, emotionally.

At those times, we need to step back and say, "I have a God, and He loves me. He is a God who is committed to my life, a God who knows what He is doing, a God who is sovereign and a God who is in control.

"He does not make mistakes. And, He will quiet my heart. He will settle my heart and my emotions with His love." This is for every area of life. This is important.

Yesterday, I was feeling very frazzled and emotionally on edge. I got up out of my study, went out to take a walk and began to just pray the Scripture back to the Lord and to sing to Him.

The verse God brought to my heart from Isaiah 26 says, "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you" (Isaiah 26:3, NIV).

So, as women with those raging emotions, we have to come back to the truth. We must look to the One who does not change, whose grace is sufficient, who is always there, who always cares. As we fix our minds, our hearts, on Him, He will steady and quiet us with His love.

Leslie Basham: That was Nancy Leigh DeMoss pointing us to God for direction, no matter what our emotions are telling us. She will be right back to pray with us.

If today's program has hit home with you and you would like to explore the topic further, we encourage you to get a copy of Nancy Kennedy's book, When He Doesn't Believe.

It offers great information for women who are married to unbelievers and, as Nancy has been saying throughout this series, it is a helpful book for any wife to read.

Also, would you contact us if you are struggling with some emotional attachments that are not healthy? We would love to be praying with you.

You can write to us as Revive Our Hearts and you can also contact us by visiting our Web site ReviveOurHearts.com.

While you are there, get some information on our Pastors' Wives Gift Package. This is Pastor Appreciation Month, and we have put together a gift package that will make your pastor's wife feel very special.

It includes a signed copy of Nancy's book, A Place of Quiet Rest, plus her CD, Psalms From the Heart. It also includes a fragrant gift candle and a set of tea bags. For more information, you can call 1-800-569-5959.

Tomorrow, we will find out why Nancy Kennedy knows so much about oil burners. It has something to do with the way a wife can encourage her husband.

Now, join with Nancy Leigh DeMoss in prayer.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Father, I want to lift up to You some woman who is listening right now, whose mind and thoughts are in a whirl, her emotions out of control. I pray that in this moment, You would speak peace to the storm in her heart, that You would quiet her with the assurance of Your love.

And, then, in this moment, regardless of where she is, I pray that she would just take a moment to quiet her heart and to let You still those emotions and to thank You that You are our hope, our fortress, our rock, our stability.

You are all that we need and Your grace truly is sufficient. Thank You for your love. Thank You for quieting our hearts with that love. I pray in Jesus' name, amen.

Leslie Basham: Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is a ministry partnership of Life Action Ministries.

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