He's Still a Guy

Series: When He Doesn't Believe: An Interview With Nancy Kennedy

Leslie Basham: Here's author Nancy Kennedy.

Nancy Kennedy: We tend to relate to men as if they were women, and they're not. That's a great source of frustration. And if you're married to an unbeliever and you're thinking, If my husband were a Christian, then he wouldn't do this and this and this, that's not necessarily true. He does this, this and this because he's a man, not because of his spiritual condition.

Leslie Basham: This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. It's Tuesday, October 7th.

Believers in Christ are different from unbelievers. Men are different from women. Sometimes those two differences can get confused as we'll hear about today. Here's Nancy to introduce our guest.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: We're talking this week about marriage, in general; and in particular, marriage between a Christian woman and a husband who may not necessarily share her faith.

That husband may be a non-believer or he may be a Christian who hasn't grown in his faith to the extent that you have or maybe you're just dealing with issues in your marriage that are a source of"¦well, challenge, miscommunication, tension, or frustration.

Our guest this week has written a very helpful book on this subject called When He Doesn't Believe. In this book she provides help and encouragement for women who feel alone in their faith.

Nancy Kennedy is a wife. She's been married to Barry for over twenty-five years. She loves her husband. She has two daughters who are grown. She loves her family.

God has done a real work of grace in Nancy as a wife and as a mom and in her family. And as a result of her obedience to God, God is in the process of blessing her family.

Nancy, thank you for being with us on Revive Our Hearts to talk about some of these issues.

Nancy Kennedy: Thank you, Nancy.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: One the things you point out that I think is so helpful is that differences in a marriage are not always the result of spiritual differences. It's not always just because she's a believer and he's not or he's not as committed spiritually as she is.

Sometimes that's just because, well, she's a woman and he's a man. But it really isn't a bad thing that men are men and women are women.

Nancy Kennedy: That's right. And we do a great disservice to our men when we try to turn them into women. We don't do this intentionally, but we tend to relate to men as if they were women and they're not.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: And we get frustrated when they don't respond like a woman would.

Nancy Kennedy: That's right! Yes, that's a great source of frustration. And if you're married to an unbeliever and you're thinking, If my husband were a Christian, then he wouldn't do this and this and this, that's not necessarily true. He does this, this and this because he's a man, not because of his spiritual condition.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Let's talk about what some of those differences are. For example, you say that guys are primarily task-and goal-oriented. How is that different from us as women?

Nancy Kennedy: Well, we are relational beings and we define ourselves by our relationships. When a man introduces himself, he'll say, "Hi! I'm John. I work at such and such" or "I am an engineer." He defines himself by his career.

A woman will say, "Hi! I'm Judy, John's wife." She may mention where she works.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: "I have three children."

Nancy Kennedy: Right. Yeah. So women are relational and men are task-oriented.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: And that may affect the way that men think about even how you come to faith in Christ, how you come to salvation.

Nancy Kennedy: Exactly. Especially in North America. In North America it's, "Do it yourself"¦Pull yourself up by your bootstrap"¦Be self-sufficient, self-reliant"¦Get the job done." And that is contrary to salvation.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Which cannot be earned.

Nancy Kennedy: That's right, it cannot be earned. And another man accomplished it for us. That runs contrary to how a man feels about himself and how he sees the world.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: And once they become believers, women and men tend to express their spirituality in different ways.

Nancy Kennedy: That's right, and we women are so cruel to men. We tend to think that our way is the only way.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: The right way.

Nancy Kennedy: The right way. And so, we love to go to Bible studies and we love to pray in groups and we love to talk about our faith. And a man might love Jesus just as much as we do, but"¦

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Express it differently

Nancy Kennedy: Express it differently.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: And it's so important for us as women to be accepting and understanding and not condescending or to develop a spiritual superiority complex, a sense of self righteousness--"If he were more spiritual, he would be more into these small groups or the things that I'm into." He may be expressing his faith in a way that is distinctly masculine.

Nancy Kennedy: That's right.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Now let's talk about some of those other differences in the way that men, and I love this chapter in your book that's titled, "Saved or Unsaved, He's Still A Guy." For example, you talked about how guys need to be needed. And so what's the implication of that when it comes to marriage?

Nancy Kennedy: Men love to give advice and if you want to build your husband's sense of self-esteem, if you're going to ask his advice, be willing to take it. So you might want to start small.

I often ask Barry, "How does this work?" He works with oil burners. "How does it work?" And he loves to teach. That will endear a man to a woman if you will allow him to teach you.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: I think many men don't feel that their wife needs them. We, as women, have been so taught in the last half century to be self-sufficient, not to need anyone and to be independent. It's no wonder that we've created a sense in men that, "We can manage just fine without you, thank-you."

Nancy Kennedy: And also, coming back to the unequally-yoked marriage, as a woman, as a Christian, we take all our needs to the Lord. And we look to God to meet our needs. So here's this unbelieving spouse and his wife is taking all her needs to this unseen God and so there's a sense of , "Well then, what am I doing here? If Jesus is her everything, then who am I?" That could cause difficulties in a marriage.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: A little competition there and men will feel insecure.

Nancy Kennedy: That's right. So what do we do? Yes, we take all our needs to the Lord ultimately. But then we trust God to allow our husband also, to meet our needs.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: And just because he may not be a believer doesn't mean that he doesn't have wise and valuable counsel and input that he can offer to his wife.

Nancy Kennedy: That's right.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Here's another difference that you talk about that I thought was interesting. You say that guys are cave dwellers when problems strike. What do you mean by that?

Nancy Kennedy: Well, from my observation, when men are dealing with something, they tend to isolate themselves. They could be in the same room with you but they might be fiddling with a computer or they might be sitting, watching a ball game. For my husband, he gets in his truck and he drives.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: That's his cave.

Nancy Kennedy: That's his cave. And I'm a woman. I want to talk things out. We need to talk things out.

And so we think that men are like us. So when I know that Barry is dealing with something (and I know it when I see him pick up his keys) I may have a tendency to say, "Well, let me go with you so we can talk about it."

He's not ready to talk about it. He needs to process it through. He needs to be alone with his thoughts and then he'll come back, then he'll talk about it.

We're women, we speak as we process our thoughts. We talk things out and when you sense that God is dealing with your husband, when you sense that maybe the Holy Spirit is working on him, my best advice is to just relax. Hold off.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Get out of the way.

Nancy Kennedy: Get out of the way. Give your husband freedom to process, to wrestle with God if he has to. One of the things that men find most emasculating is unasked for advice from their wives.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Why do they find that emasculating?

Nancy Kennedy: I don't know. I'm not a man. I just know from observing that they do. I've talked to different men about this and I've read books.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: It may communicate "I feel you're inadequate or incompetent" and, in a sense, can be something that a man could take as demeaning or belittling.

So as we think, Nancy, about these and other differences between men and women, (whether those men are believing or not) what are some practical ways, just give us several quick things here, that a woman can do to help her husband to feel appreciated and valued as the man in her life?

Nancy Kennedy: Because a man's work is so important to him, I'd say to tell him often that what he does at work is important to you. It's important to your family. I appreciate what you do for our family. And I'd say, "Never belittle or trivialize his work."

Also determine what your husband does well and give him plenty of opportunities to excel. If he is really good at fixing things around the house, I'd say to give him opportunities to fix doorknobs or whatever.

And don't take advantage of him with a "honey-do" list but encourage him that, you know, "You can take the house apart and put it back together. That just amazes me."

Ask his advice and then take it. If you're not willing to do that, don't ask.

Never, never correct your husband in public--NEVER. Be loyal. Build him up in front of the kids. Even if your husband is not a believer, there are qualities in him.

You know, we are all made in God's image. Find those qualities and tell him and let your children hear and build him up. It will do wonders for your marriage.

Leslie Basham: That's Nancy Kennedy talking with Nancy Leigh DeMoss about ways we can build up our husbands. We'll hear more in just a minute.

You can read more on the topic by getting Nancy Kennedy's book When He Doesn't Believe: Help and Encouragement for Women Who Feel Alone in Their Faith.

She writes about today's subject in a chapter called "Saved or Unsaved, He's Still a Guy." And she offers a lot of practical advice to help you honor your husband. Nancy's a great writer and you'll enjoy her fast-paced style.

To get a copy you can give us a call at 1-800-569-5959. Or go on-line. Our Web address is ReviveOurHearts.com.

If Revive Our Hearts gives you practical advice that you apply in your home, would you consider helping us share our message with other women? We're able to come to you every weekday because of the prayer support and donations of our listeners. Would you prayerfully consider contributing to the ministry? You can send your gift to Revive Our Hearts.

Tomorrow we'll be reminded of the power of the Word of God. We hope you can be here. Now let's join Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: You know Genesis 1:27 tells us that God created man in the image of God. He created him male and female. He created them. And that takes us back to the very foundation here as men and as women we are made in the image of God.

Whether your husband is a believer or not a believer, he is a man created after the likeness of God. Now that image may have been marred or destroyed through sin and your prayer is that God will bring him to faith in Christ.

Regardless of his spiritual condition, your calling as a wife is to love, to respect, to affirm him as a man created in the image of God.

And as you do, you'll find greater freedom to relax and enjoy being the woman that God made you to be.

Leslie Basham: Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is a ministry partnership of Life Action Ministries.

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