An Obnoxious Christian Wife

Series: When He Doesn't Believe: An Interview With Nancy Kennedy

Leslie Basham: As a young believer, Nancy Kennedy had high hopes for her marriage.

Nancy Kennedy: I had this fantasy that if my husband was a Christian, then all our problems would disappear. Even our arguments, we would begin and end with prayer. We have this fantasy of what life will be like and it's not that way.

Leslie Basham: This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss for Friday, October 3. Here's Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Our guest today tells us that at one point early in her Christian journey, she was what she calls the most obnoxious Christian wife.

Well, I don't know if she can claim to get that award for the most obnoxious Christian wife, but Nancy Kennedy is here with us this week to talk about what I think is a very important book called When He Doesn't Believe, the subtitle is Help and Encouragement for Women Who Feel Alone in their Faith. Nancy, thanks so much for joining us on Revive Our Hearts again today.

Nancy Kennedy: Thanks, Nancy.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: I think this is an important book, obviously for Christian women living with unbelieving mates, but also there is a world of insight and biblical wisdom in this book for women who are living in any marriage, even to a spiritual, godly man because no matter what kind of a husband a woman has, no matter what his spiritual condition is, there are some basic principles from God's Word that have to be applied if that marriage is going to bring glory to God.

You told us yesterday how you had come out of really a non-Christian background. You married a non-Christian man. It was a marriage that really was not built on a solid foundation of any sort. But through a series of circumstances, the Lord supernaturally drew you to Himself.

You came to faith in Christ in a restroom at work, and you told us about how you came out of that restroom just glowing. You were a new creation.

And you had been crying for years and now you were smiling. And you ran into your husband in the hallway and started (as you said) as a babbling fool telling him, "You have to be born again. This is the most incredible thing." Your husband had thought you had jumped off the deep end.

Pick up the story and tell us what it was like in those early weeks and months of your newfound Christian faith. You had changed, but this was still the very same Barry that you had been married to. Tell us what it was like being the most obnoxious Christian wife.

Nancy Kennedy: Well, it was not fun for Barry. When I came to faith in Christ, it was three weeks before we got out of the Air Force. Our enlistment was up and we moved down to Portland, Maine.

Barry didn't know what to think. He was talking to his friends about what had happened to me and he came to the conclusion that it was due to the stress of getting out of the Service and that this was just a psychological diversion for me and that I'd snap out of it.

So he put all his hope into me snapping out of it, and I was clinging to the hope that he would snap into it. This kind of set the stage for a good year of me trying my hardest to get him to see his need for a Savior.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: So how did you go about trying to convince him?

Nancy Kennedy: Well, like most women, I nagged. Women are very good with words and men generally don't like a whole lot of words. That's why the scripture is clear in 1 Peter 3 that women who are married to unbelievers should keep quiet.

But I didn't know that then. So at every opportunity, I would start a conversation with "The Bible says," "Jesus says" or I would leave the Bible open to strategic verses and I would place it throughout the house. My favorite place was the back of the toilet because I figured he has to go in there and he couldn't miss it. He didn't appreciate it. I bought a case full of Gospel tracks and I would put them in his lunch. He still talks about that.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: You even got your little girl involved in this program to reach Dad.

Nancy Kennedy: Yes, Allison was a toddler at the time and I would try to teach her to say, "Daddy go church. Daddy go church" and you know God uses our children. I've heard stories of men just melting because their child came to them and said, "Dad, why don't you go to church with us?"

But God doesn't use our children when we manipulate. That must grieve the heart of God terribly that we would stoop to that. We do that because we so desperately want the man we love most on earth to have what we have, to find what we've found, to know peace with God.

But you know, a lot of times in the early days when I tried so hard, so desperately to bring my husband to faith in Christ, it was because I wanted it to be easy. I had this fantasy that if my husband was a Christian then all our problems would disappear. Our life would be bliss.

We would go to the church picnics. We would go to church on Sunday mornings, Sunday night, Wednesday night. We would pray together. Even our arguments would begin and end with prayer and there would be total peace in our home. I think that we have this fantasy of what life will be like and it's not that way.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Now that you've known the Lord for nearly 25 years, you've known a lot of Christian marriages between two believers and you realize that even in those marriages that's an unrealistic expectation.

Nancy Kennedy: Well, it is and especially what I keep coming back to is, "I'm no picnic," even after being a Christian for 20 plus years. I'm not ideal, so how could I possibly expect anybody else to be ideal?

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: So talk for a moment, Nancy, about this whole thing of expectations, whether married to a nonbeliever or married to any man who is still in the process of becoming what God wants him to be. What are some of the things a woman can expect in her marriage? You say that one of the things she should expect is opposition.

Nancy Kennedy: Opposition, because when you are married to an unbeliever there is a spiritual difference. One is spiritual, and the other is not spiritual.

So maybe your husband is very agreeable to you going to church and developing your own faith, even taking your children to church and Sunday school, raising them in the faith; but there's a point where the opposition is, he just doesn't want it for himself.

That could be very passive and it could be very peaceful in your home. Then there are women who are married to very antagonistic unbelievers. But even in those situations God gives grace. He says that His grace is sufficient. So when you start thinking, I can't go on, that's not true. You can go on because God's grace is sufficient.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: That really is at the heart of any of our life situations. I'm thinking now, Nancy, about many of these e-mails I've received from women who are detailing the hard, hard things in their marriage.

What you have just said I think is one of the most helpful things we can say and that is that God's grace is sufficient for you in that situation.

Nancy Kennedy: That doesn't mean that you won't cry or that you won't feel desperate and you won't feel frustrated and angry and resentful and all these emotions.

But a lot of times, when you are grounded in the Word of God and you know what God says about Himself and about you and about how precious you are to Him, you can still have all these feelings but your faith can be secure.

Often I say my feelings don't match my faith. My faith is secure. I know the outcome. I know that God is sovereign. I know that He is in control. I know I am His child. I know He won't let me out of His hands, but right now I'm sad. Right now I'm crying. That is so freeing to be able to admit that we are just human.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: You really believe that God can use even an unbelieving husband as a tool of blessing in your life?

Nancy Kennedy: Absolutely! In 1 Corinthians 7, it talks about the unbelieving spouse as sanctified. God has set these unbelieving husbands apart for His special attention. He has set our children apart for special attention. Does that guarantee their salvation? No. You know that we have to be honest.

The Bible never gives us guarantees, but I've seen the heart of God and I know that He has a plan for our families. His plan is far reaching, and it's beyond anything that we can imagine.

So when you are married to an unbelieving man and God has set him apart, you can trust that God will also use that man in your life.

Often when I have to make a decision, I pray, "Lord, I don't know what to do. You tell Barry what to do and then he'll tell me." I trust that God is able to give my husband wisdom.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: So really, whether your husband is a believer or a nonbeliever, regardless of his spiritual condition, your trust as a wife has to be ultimately not in your husband but in God.

I think of that wonderful passage in the Psalms, Psalm 62, "For God alone my soul waits in silence, from Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I shall not be greatly shaken." One of the translations says, "He alone is my expectation; my hope is in Him."

Let me encourage you as a wife listening today, regardless of the spiritual condition of your husband, to take comfort and be strengthened by the reminder that God is sovereign.

He is good. He knows what He is doing. He doesn't make mistakes. He has a plan and a purpose for your life and no husband can thwart that plan. He may be able to make your life more difficult.

But even in those difficulties, God is sanctifying you and as you put your trust in the Lord, you are going to be a means of your husband and your children receiving spiritual blessing.

Leslie Basham: That's Nancy Leigh DeMoss giving encouragement to women who are married to unbelievers. If you are in the kind of situation we have been hearing about today, we hope you'll get a copy of our guest's book.

It's called When He Doesn't Believe by Nancy Kennedy. Maybe you know someone who would benefit from reading it. To get them a copy of the book or maybe a cassette or CD of today's conversation, you can visit ReviveOurHearts.com.

I want you to imagine for a minute that you're a pastor's wife. You're opening a beautifully wrapped gift bag. You move aside the tissue paper to find a scented candle. It's pumpkin pie spice. You also get a pack of herbal tea bags and a CD of Nancy Leigh DeMoss reading Psalms set to music and a signed copy of Nancy's book, A Place of Quiet Rest.

This doesn't have to stay in the realm of imagination. We are encouraging you to order this special gift pack for your pastor's wife because October is Pastor's Appreciation Month.

You can get all these gifts, a card, tissue paper and gift bag for a suggested donation of $30 when you call us at 1-800-569-5959.  Or go to ReviveOurHearts.com.

Once you give your gift, why don't you write us and tell us how things go.

On Monday, we will continue hearing from our guest Nancy Kennedy and learn how a woman can stay faithful physically and emotionally to an unbelieving husband. We hope you can be here for Revive Our Hearts.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is a ministry partnership of Life Action Ministries.

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