Giving Ourselves

Series: Intimate Issues

Leslie Basham: If you're a busy wife and mom, maybe you can relate to these thoughts about physical intimacy in marriage.

Holly Elliff: There are times when you are just so weary physically that meeting your husband's needs is kind of the last thing on the list. You try to sneak into bed and pray that he won't wake up or that he is not feeling amorous, because you just don't think you can do anything else for anyone.

Leslie Basham: It's Thursday, February 13; and you're listening to Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. In marriage, tiredness is the enemy of romance. Today we'll hear how a wife can respond to her husband's romantic needs when she doesn't feel like doing anything. You may want to take your younger listeners away from the radio during today's discussion. Here's Nancy.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: We're talking this week about one of the most practical ways that a married woman can express her love to God and her submission to God, and that is in her physical relationship with her husband. To help us address that issue, we've had with us all this week two women--my long-time friend Holly Elliff, who has been married 30 years, is a wife and a mother and has a real heart for the Lord and for women, and then Linda Dillow, who has coauthored with Lorraine Pintus--I wish Lorraine could have been here with us as well.

Linda Dillow: Me, too.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: But Linda is here with us to talk about this issue, which she has addressed in a book called Intimate Issues: 21 Questions That Christian Women Ask About Sex.

Linda, as you and Lorraine wrote this book, you interviewed 1,000 women. You asked them, "If you could have any question answered about the sexual relationship, what would it be?" This book is really a response biblically to the questions that came up in that survey.

One of the chapters in your book is entitled "What Do I Do When I Don't Want to Do It?" You say that "When a woman feels stretched beyond her limit with trying to balance all her roles in life, lovemaking can become just one more thing to check off her list."

Holly Elliff: As a wife and a mother of eight and a very busy woman, which I am, I really identify with that. There are times when you are just so weary physically that meeting your husband's needs is kind of the last thing on the list. You try to sneak into bed and pray that he won't wake up or that he's not feeling amorous, because you just don't think you can do anything else for anyone. So how do we maintain that balance in meeting our husband's needs and going before the Lord and saying, "God, give me grace to do this"?

Linda Dillow: As with everything else, for me it is going back to God's Word and saying, "God, I know what my attitude is. I see what so many other women's attitudes are. But what is Your attitude?" I find His attitude that gives me the grace and the strength when I'm weary. In I Corinthians 7:3,4 it says, "Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also, the husband does not have authority over his body, but the wife does."

What do you think of when you think of the word "duty"?

Holly Elliff: Well, you know, duty doesn't sound real fun to me. I do a lot of laundry and cooking and cleaning dishes. Those are duties, but they are not fun.

Linda Dillow: No. And putting your intimate relationship with your husband alongside of doing the dishes just--it doesn't mesh real well.

Holly Elliff: Right. So God obviously is saying something different than that.

Linda Dillow: He is saying something different. It's a very poor usage. But there really isn't an English word that describes the beautiful message in the Greek in which the New Testament was written. In the Greek, the word translated "duty" means "a debt that is owed."

Well, now why, Holly, do you and I as wives owe our husband a debt? It's because of the next verse. It's because of verse four. What was to have transpired on our wedding night is that we were to have participated in a gift exchange. I was to give over authority of my body to my husband. I was to give him my body as a gift. He was to give over authority of his body to me and give me his body as a gift. We exchanged gifts.

When I give over authority, then I don't think of something as a duty, but I do owe a debt because I've given it freely. Often when I explain this to women, they look at me and say, "Well, how does a wife give over authority of her body? What if I didn't understand it and I didn't do that?"

I share with them about my precious friend Cathy, who--when she understood this--said, "Next week is Valentine's Day, and I'm going to give my husband my body as a gift."

I want to read to you just a couple of words out of the journal she shared with me about what her thoughts were when she determined bravely on Valentine's Day to give her husband her body as a gift.

She said, "February 14. Today is the day when I will give my body to my husband as a gift. Honestly, I'm so nervous. Why am I nervous, God? This is what You want.

February 15^th. Last night was a sweet evening. I told John when I gave my body to him that I had never really fully given over authority of it when we were married and our honeymoon. It was always my body, so I determined if and when I would give it. With a ribbon on and nothing else, I stood before him and offered myself. He wept. Do I feel differently? Yes. It is a constant reminder that this body belongs to him."

Cathy and her husband are now missionaries. She keeps in contact with me. She says that this giving over of her body in this sweet ceremony was the beginning of a totally new relationship for them.

Holly Elliff: I do think because this is a battleground area in many marriages, women need God's perspective. It's also wonderful to me to realize that just as I ask for God's grace as I minister to my children, as I go to Him for physical energy to be able to meet the needs of my home, I can go before the Lord and ask for Him to pour out His grace in this area. Then as I take the first steps in obedience of meeting my husband's needs, God gives me the desire to be a blessing to my husband.

Linda Dillow: I totally agree. God extends grace in every area. But it starts with that commitment that I give over authority of my body. If it doesn't belong to me, then I have the desire to say, "God, give me Your grace. Give me Your perspective. Give me the energy to love my husband tonight when I'm so tired I just feel like dropping in bed and being left alone." It gives the inner motivation when you make that choice.

Holly Elliff: When we're not emotionally driven to do that, it's amazing to me that we can go ahead and make that choice out of obedience. I like that word better than "duty." But when we make that choice out of obedience and as we make that choice to respond to our husbands, God does give grace to respond emotionally.

Linda Dillow: Yes, He does. You know, maybe some of the women listening are thinking, "Well, I've been married 20 years or 30 years. I'm too old to do something like that." Let me just say you don't have to do it with a ribbon. That's just the way Cathy chose to do it. It's the attitude of the heart.

I have to share with you this precious letter I got last year. Just this cute little note. She said, "Linda, we just celebrated our 53 wedding anniversary. Guess what I gave my husband for our anniversary with a red bow? He said it was his favorite anniversary present." I just laughed. I just thanked God that we are never too old to begin living God's perspective.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: So as a woman makes that choice and makes that surrender of her body and her self as a gift to her husband, she is really making a surrender of herself to the Lord. It's an expression of her love and surrender to the Lord. It often requires faith.

Obedience is often not something I feel like doing, but as I'm willing to surrender myself to God and to the circumstances that He has put into my life and to say, "God, I choose as an expression of faith to obey You," then we find that God energizes us. He quickens us. He enables us. He gives the desire and the power to obey Him as we humble ourselves and say, "Lord, I need You in this area of my life," and then as we step out in faith and obedience.

Linda Dillow: I think that what you said, Nancy, is so well said. We need to bring the area of our physical intimacy with our husbands as married women before the Lord, just like we do every area of our lives. Many married women fail to do that. But just as I bring the raising of my children, my ministry with women--everything that I do before Him--I need to also bring this area.

Leslie Basham: Nancy DeMoss and Linda Dillow will return to pray with us. But first, I want to tell you about a wonderful resource that our ministry partners at Family Life have developed--the resource called Simply Romantic Nights. It's full of ideas and suggestions for putting the romantic spark back into your marriage. It includes a book with contributions from Linda Dillow, Dennis and Barbara Rainey, and other authors. It gives husbands and wives fun, exciting, romantic projects to do together. To order it for a suggested donation of $25, call us at 1-800-569-5959. Or visit our Web site at ReviveOurHearts.com.

If God has spoken to your heart through this series, would you let us know about it?  Today's topic brings up a question: "Are you intimate with God?" Tomorrow Nancy will give us a special message from her heart, comparing a relationship to God with marriage. You won't want to miss it. Now here's Nancy.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: I believe that God has been speaking to many of our listeners today, and He has given you a fresh desire to obey God in this area of your life and to let the past be the past. But starting today, whether you've been married nine months, whether you've been married a year or nine years or 53 years, as we heard earlier, you're wanting perhaps for the first time to acknowledge that you are giving your body to your husband as a gift and that he will have authority over your body.

Linda, I'd like to ask if you would just help lead women through a prayer that they might pray as they're wanting to make this step of commitment. Ultimately, it starts with a commitment to the Lord and then is expressed in their commitment to their husband. So if you would, just lead married women in a prayer that they can pray, asking God for grace to make this surrender of themselves and their bodies to their husbands.

Linda Dillow. Please join me in prayer.

Lord Jesus, my body first belongs to You because You bought it with a price--with the price of Your blood. I've been confused about how my body belongs to my husband. God, clarify that for me. Lord, I want to be willing to give over authority of my body, to give my body as a gift to my husband, because You have asked me to do that. My God, speak to me. Show me how to do that. Show me when to do it. Fill me with joy because I long to be obedient to You. Thank You that there is joy in obedience. Amen.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is a ministry partnership of Life Action Ministries.

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