We'd been married just over a year when God's sovereignty collided with my plans for children. I've always been a planner. Since I was old enough to think, I planned. Being a planner can be a helpful attribute, but it can get you into trouble as well.
I "planned" my family before I was even married! At least four children and the first one had to be a girl! About nine months after the honeymoon, I remember being initially shocked—but later elated, as the nurse at my OB/GYN told me I was pregnant.
Immediately I went into action! First buying a darling lavender "newbie-sized" dress, little socklettes, and the cutest diaper bag ever. Of course, this was going to be a girl—that was my plan!
I'll never forget waking up to the searing pain of miscarriage in the early morning hours. I had never felt such intensity of physical pain. I slipped into the bathroom without telling my husband what was wrong—I knew there must be some mistake. I had a major discussion with God in the bathroom. In my arrogance, I demanded this baby's life be spared. That's when the collision occurred.
God so firmly, yet tenderly, reminded me, "I am the only God; there are no others. I am the one who takes life and gives it again" (Deut. 32:39).
Miscarriage. Loss. Deep pain. It would be four long years before God gave us our little girl. And another four before He brought our son. He never gave us the four children I planned.
The miscarriage was a turning point in my life. It was a time of painful loss and confusion, but it sent me to my knees and to God's Word in search of answers.
Trusting God
Many times I've been with my friend Holly Elliff when this subject is discussed. She's often asked her views on birth control and challenges women to consider why they fear trusting God with the size of their families. Most women fear they'll end up with twenty children! Using me as an example, Holly smiles and shares that both she and I have taken the same approach in trusting God with this area of our lives—but God gave her eight children and He gave me only three (two living, one in heaven).
My husband and I made the decision several years ago to release our plans to God and trust Him. Let me encourage you to research passages concerning this topic. This issue is something that couples should settle personally with God. If you and your husband are not in agreement, humbly share your thoughts, but release your husband from your personal expectations and trust God to lead him.
I don't know all the reasons why He chose to limit the size of our family to this number. I don't know why some women receive a houseful. I just know His plans are good, He is God—and I'm not.
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