Forgiveness in the ICU

Series: Forgiveness: Setting Your Captives Free

Leslie Basham: Here's Lorna Wilkinson.

Lorna Wilkinson: My husband woke me up. It was about 4:00 in the morning. He said, "Lorna, I want to tell you right now that a man should love his wife with all his heart as God has loved us." And he said, "I want to tell you at this moment that I love you that way."

Those were the very last words spoken from my husband.

Leslie Basham: It's Monday, October 9th, and this is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss, author of the book Choosing Forgiveness.

Nancy started a series last Monday called Forgiveness: Setting Your Captives Free. I would guess you've been able to put forgiveness into practice this past week. Nancy will continue that series today talking with someone who has learned about forgiveness in a powerful way.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Here at Revive Our Hearts we get letters from so many women who are trying to survive in difficult, painful marriages. If you're in that situation and feel like giving up, I hope you'll listen to the story of Lorna Wilkinson.

I first heard Lorna share this story when I was speaking in Houston a year or so ago, and it was such an encouraging story that I asked her if she would share it with you as well. Here's Lorna explaining what life was like with her husband.

Lorna: For about the last nine years of that marriage, the marriage was plagued with alcoholism. And of course with alcoholism there is mistrust and so many other things that go along with that. You get to the point where your husband tells you he's going to be at a certain place at a certain time. There's no trust anymore.

There was a problem with finances. It had just totally broken down because there was no responsible there. It was mainly due to the drinking that really took precedence over everything else in our home.

After years and years of dealing with those issues, I did not want to deal with this anymore. I just wanted to be free. And my idea of freedom was to get a divorce and just be away from this man that I'd loved for 21 years. He was a very good father and really, not abusive to the children in any way or myself. But the finances and the home was just in a state of chaos.

Nancy: How had you responded during those years, those nine years of frustration? Were you typically patient with your husband or had you had some outbursts? How did you handle all that?

Lorna: Well Nancy, initially I felt that this would change, and I had a lot of hopes. But it just got progressively worse. What started happening in my life was I became very angry, and I became very frustrated. I was very, very bitter. In a sense, I disliked my husband. I wasn't a member of a church at that time.

I knew about God, but certainly I did not have a relationship with Him. I was just lost at that point. And I started lashing out and getting mean and hateful in the relationship. I didn’t like myself for doing that, so there was a lot of guilt and just so many things that were new that I wasn’t used to feeling. I felt like something had to be done.

So I decided the best thing to do was go ahead and just get a divorce and it would end all of that.

Nancy: So it sounds like there was a lot of tension and anger in your home for quite some time.

Lorna: Yes, it was because I could not trust my husband anymore. I would get dropped off at work and I never was picked up. I would be there for hours sometimes necessitating going in and renting a hotel room that was close by. It was a very, very difficult situation. But I endured until the point where I said, “I cannot endure this anymore. I have to be released from this.”

After I filed for divorce we had only one vehicle. So I had to go out and purchase one. After I purchased a used vehicle from a friend, the night I picked the vehicle up there was a program on the dial, 107.5 FM.

Radio Announcer: weather forecast overnight looking like . . .

Lorna: In the past I had never listened to Christian radio before. I had no interest in it really. I would have just tuned out that station, but at that particular moment there was a conviction that came over me, and I could not touch that dial. It just had to remain there.

I go to work early in the morning because my day starts at 6:00 for work. So on my way to work the following morning the radio was still on, and you came on.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: I am not going to stop loving those who’ve sinned against me. That’s a love . . .

Lorna: And in that program you were talking about total forgiveness. I listened to that, and I was just completely broken. You spoke of 1 Corinthians 13 and how God defined love for us: There was no envy; it didn’t keep scores, and that we had to release ourselves, be able to forgive in order to release and not hold onto things. That program just went around and around and around in my mind and I just couldn’t get it out.

A couple of days later driving home from work I gave my life to Jesus. At that point the divorce was filed and I had asked my husband to leave, to move away, and so he did. And that’s why the need for the vehicle. A few days later I received a call from him that he was very sick. I was still very angry and frustrated to some degree and I said, “Why are you calling me? Why don’t you call 911?”

So he hung up the phone and in his sickness he did call 911. At that point he had had a heart attack.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: And Paul is saying, “I’m not going to look at somebody for what he is apart from Christ. I’m going to look at that mate, that son, that daughter, that former friend, that ex-mate, that step-parent, that person who wounded me so deeply—I’m going to look at that person as what they could be in Christ. That’s love .

Lorna: At this point my heart was softened and the Lord was in my soul and all over me. At that point the family had gathered at the hospital, and they were wondering where would he live if he had recovered from the heart attack. The Lord spoke in my heart and said, “Go and whisper in your husband’s ears that he doesn’t have to worry about a place to live, to come home.”

With all the tubes and all the things that were attached to him I wasn’t sure if he heard me. But I went and I whispered in his ears, “I want you to come home, honey. I love you, and we’ll work it out.”

After all of that he was released from the hospital. And when he came home . . . The Lord is such a wonderful God that we serve. He’s so alive, and He’s so well, and He hears us. Everything that we say to Him—we may not think at times that He’s listening to us, but He’s all ears for us, and His arms are outstretched. I experienced that.

When my husband came home, I remembered he was sitting on the couch in the living room. I went there and I knelt in front of him, and I said, “Honey, there’s been so many things that have happened in our lives over the past years where I’ve lost trust and so many, many hurtful things. But I just want you to know today that I forgive you. I forgive you.”

Because I had heard that from you Nancy that we have to forgive in order to release yourself from the burden so that we can love. I told him that I had forgiven him and I would never ever think of those things again. Even if he were to bring those things back up in our relationship I would dismiss them. Because as the east is from the west, that’s how I had forgiven him.

And I asked him, “Will you forgive me?” I said, “I have been wrong, too. Will you forgive me?” He said, “Lorna, I can’t think of anything I need to ask you to forgive me for. You have been wonderful.” And I said, “Thanks be to God.”

After that it was just like a miracle that occurred in our home, Nancy, a total restoration, total recovery that overtook our home. My husband totally lost the urge to drink. He smokes cigarettes. He totally lost the urge to smoke cigarettes. He obtained a full-time job. It was very, very difficult for him to work prior to that because he couldn’t do his job. He couldn’t get there on time because he was drunk.

This was just a total recovery. And the Lord just brought us back in such a way we started having family meetings, prayer meetings. There were flowers; there were postcards. There were quiet candlelight suppers—just a host of things that very few people experience in a marriage, just total love, total affection.

But I have to back up a little bit and say after he came home I still had frustration and dislike in my heart. But the words that you said was that many times you will not be able to love your spouse in the way the Lord intended you to love him. But if you will just say to the Lord, “I cannot do this on my own. But if You will just let Your love flow through me to my husband I will be most grateful.”

And Nancy I was able to use that every single time I felt dejected and I felt hurt and I felt frustrated. Because when you first accept the Lord, everything just doesn’t vanish. You still have to deal with those hurts. But I would just repeat those words, “Lord, I cannot do this. I cannot love the way You intended me to love. But I am just asking You Lord to just release that love. Just give me Your love. Let it flow through me to this man.”

And Nancy the Lord was gracious. The Lord was so gracious to do that. All the faults that I had created in my mind against my husband, all the wrongs, they just started melting. They just melted down Nancy. They just melted down. One by one the scales just fell off my eyes and I was able to see the glory of the Lord—the love that 1 Corinthians talks about that doesn’t hold anything against anyone. But you can just release the love in the manner in which the Lord intended us to love each other.

Nancy: So you really started forgiving as an act of your will before your husband changed, before you realized that you were going to have this miracle in your marriage. You just obeyed God and then God brought the restoration and restored your emotions and your heart toward your husband. It wasn’t the other way around, was it? 

Lorna: No, it wasn’t. It wasn’t. It was not until I submitted—and that’s another program—total submission. For us wives to be able to submit to our husbands . . . It is not being a dishrag or a dishtowel or a floor mat. It’s just submitting to him and respecting our husband and loving our husband and letting him know. When the marriage becomes destroyed is when you start taking over. The more you take over is the more your husband falls into a place where he doesn’t need to be.

So as I was able to submit to my husband and said, “You’re in control of this home. I submit to you.”

Nancy: Was that hard for you, Lorna, after those years of him not earning that trust and that respect on your part?

Lorna: Yes, initially it was very, very difficult because you’re scared to let go. You’re wondering, “Can I really let go? Is this going to go back to where it was, and I’m going to have to start all over again with the hurt that I felt?”

But you have to get to the point where you trust God, that you know in your heart that the Lord will be there for you and the Lord is always faithful and just and that He will never let us down. His words will never turn void. So you just have to hold onto that strength and not be afraid to let go and let God.

Nancy: Now once you did that—I know the Lord wasn’t going to let you down—but were there times when your husband let you down after he came back and you forgave him?

Lorna: No. We were very blessed. The Lord gave us total recovery, I suppose Nancy, because it was a short time for us left. The home was at peace. And again, my husband had returned to work, and we were praying together. We were on our knees together just asking the Lord to abide in us and us to abide in Him. It was just wonderful, total recovery.

So I’m just here to say today that for some, Nancy, that are feeling like there is no hope and the only thing that’s left for them to do is to apply for a divorce and just be separated, I just want them to know that the thing to do is not to take it upon yourself. It’s to give it to the Lord—and really, not in spoken words, but totally and completely from the heart.

Because we can say a lot, but it has to come from the heart where you are willing to submit to God in all ways and to trust Him and to be obedient and to know that God will never let you down.

Nancy: Wow. And anybody who’s listening to this who doesn’t believe in miracles and can’t be convinced, this is an incredible story of God’s grace and God’s power in the most hopeless situations.

I’m listening to you, Lorna, and just in awe of the goodness of God and the power of obedience, the power of forgiveness to release God’s grace into those desperate lives and relationships. And I think we should be quick to point out that if we obey God and forgive, that doesn’t guarantee that the husband will come back or that he will change, but it does guarantee that we will change.

And I think anyone listening to you Lorna can tell that God has done an incredible thing in your heart that really wasn’t dependent on how your husband responded.

Lorna: Absolutely. And you know, it didn’t matter how long it would take. I was just prepared to love the Lord, to trust the Lord, and to give it all to Him in prayer. This just happened so quickly, Nancy. It just happened so quickly. Each and every day I thank the Lord for your program, because today I cannot say where I would have been.

My husband would have probably died some place, and there would have been no forgiveness. And the children would not have known the love that a father can bring and that a husband can bring in a home and the leadership of a father and a husband in the home that they experienced this in such a profound manner that today we can all rejoice and thank the Lord as a family and remember the wonderful times that the Lord gave us.

Nancy: And what you had no way of knowing at that time was that you would not have long left with your husband here on this earth.

Lorna: The Lord blessed us with four months of wonderful recovery in this relationship. Nancy, there was so much love in our home. There was so much peace in our home. There was so much joy in our home. It’s just impossible for me to use words to describe what the Lord did for us.

And Nancy, four months later on a Tuesday morning my husband woke me up. It was about 4:00 in the morning. He said, "Lorna, I want to tell you right now that a man should love his wife with all his heart, with all his soul, and with all his mind as God has loved us." And he said, "I want to tell you at this moment that I love you that way."

Nancy, those were the very last words spoken from my husband. A few hours later he had another massive heart attack and went to be home with the Lord. He was gone. I had no way of knowing this.

I had left work that afternoon. And the minute I arrived home I was met by my oldest son. He said, “Mom, the ambulance just took dad. I think we’ve lost him.” And Nancy, I don’t know where this came from, but the words that came from my lips were, “Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus.”

Because you know, it was the Sunday before that my pastor had called for an altar call and he said, “If there’s anything you need to pray for come on up.” I went up to the altar and I prayed to the Lord for my husband’s health to be completely restored, just to be completely restored, that his heart would heal and that it would be totally mended.

But at that moment I realized that sometimes we ask for blessings in the flesh, but God knew better than I did. He wanted to give him eternal healing. He wanted never again for him to hurt and to suffer from his heart. So he blessed us in such a wonderful way with eternal healing. He took Pascal home. He took him home to be with Him.

It was just such a wonderful thing, Nancy. When my son told me that the ambulance had taken him, I knew he had gone to be with the Lord before I got to the hospital. I said, “Lord, I thank You. I thank You Jesus for the work that You’ve done, for Your eternal healing.”

Joel 2:25 tells us, “I will restore to you the years the locusts have destroyed.” You know, 21 years of destruction, the Lord restored those years in a matter of months. You know we would say, “I don’t have 21 years left, but the Lord’s time is not our time.” In four months all was restored. Thanks be to God for His blessings and His faithfulness.

Leslie Basham: When you choose to forgive you never know all the incredible things that are going to happen. Lorna Wilkinson has been talking with Nancy Leigh DeMoss about how God used forgiveness to transform her life and her marriage. God could do the same thing for you.

Would you like to learn more about this crucial biblical concept? Read Nancy Leigh DeMoss’ new book Choosing Forgiveness: Your Journey to Freedom. She’ll show you how dangerous it is to hold onto hurt and bitterness. She’ll walk you through steps of identifying people who have hurt you and then completely forgiving them by God’s power.

Are you ready to be on a journey to freedom? You can order Choosing Forgiveness for a donation of $18 or more when you visit ReviveOurHearts.com. We also want you to share a copy of Nancy’s new book with someone very special, your pastor’s wife.

October is Pastor’s Appreciation Month. Have you done anything special to say thanks for all the work your pastor’s wife does all year? We value pastors and their wives so much at Revive Our Hearts that we want to help you make this a special time for them.

Take a look at the Pastor’s Wife Gift Set when you visit ReviveOurHearts.com. It includes Nancy’s book and a lot of other great gifts. We even include a specially designed card and the wrapping materials. Again, get more information at our website.

In order for a marriage to work, couples have to grant each other forgiveness. Tomorrow we’ll hear more from Lorna Wilkinson on how God can use forgiveness to create a marriage that will bring Him glory. I hope you can be back for Revive Our Hearts.

Now to close our time in prayer, here’s Nancy.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Lord, we thank You for the prison doors that You will fling open as women hear Your truth and embrace it and say, “Yes Lord,” and choose to forgive. Thank You for the marriages that will be reconciled and restored, other broken relationships that will be healed, for years of bondage in some cases that will be broken and for how You will be glorified as Your people have a baptism of forgiveness.

Thank You, Lord, for Your incredible grace and for all that You have forgiven us in Christ. Make us ever mindful not only of our need to forgive, but of our great ongoing need to be forgiven. And thank You that there’s grace for both.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

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