The Offender or the Offended?

Series: Forgiveness: Setting Your Captives Free

Leslie Basham: We all see things from our own point of view. Here’s Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: If you talk to the person on one side, they say they’re the offended party. If you talk to the other party, they say, no, they’re the offended party. So we’re not generally willing to call ourselves the offender. We usually think the other person is the offender and we are the offended.

Leslie: It’s Thursday, October 5th, and this is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss, author of Choosing Forgiveness.

A runaway slave, an offended master. It sounds like the makings of a big, violent conflict. Well, the apostle Paul found himself between these two men and decided to be a peacemaker. In the process, he taught a lot about forgiveness. Nancy will tell us the story as part of a teaching series called Forgiveness: Setting Your Captives Free.

Nancy: I want to ask you a question, and I don’t want you to respond in a way that anybody could see. In your own heart where just you and the Lord can see, how would you answer this question: Do you have any relationships that are currently broken or estranged? Someone you’ve wronged or someone who has wronged you, but the relationship is not right.

Maybe it’s been severed totally or you are just managing to have a truce, but there’s not real peace and a right relationship between you. You can’t pick up the phone and call that person. Maybe you’re afraid to run into them. The thought of that person maybe stirs up negative emotions in your heart. Maybe a former employer, an employee, a parent, a child, someone in your church, an in-law, a roommate, a co-worker. Is there anyone like that in your life?

Let me ask you to open your Bibles to the book of Philemon. It’s the little one-chapter book right before Hebrews just toward the end of the New Testament. While you’re turning there, let me just give you an overview of the story line because this one chapter is a story.

Philemon was a man who lived in the city of Colossae. He was apparently wealthy. He was influential. He and the apostle Paul were friends. Philemon had actually come to know the Lord years earlier under Paul’s ministry. He was a devoted believer. He was commended by Paul in this letter for his love, and the church in Colossae met in Philemon’s home. So he was a devout man of God.

One of Philemon’s slaves, named Onesimus, had run away. Apparently, he had robbed Philemon before he did. He ran from Colossae to Rome, which was approximately 1200 miles away, to get lost in the crowd, as thousands of runaway slaves did in those days. Somehow Paul, who was under house arrest in Rome while awaiting trial, met Onesimus who had run to Rome. After they met, Paul led Onesimus to Christ. Paul discipled this young man, and Onesimus actually became a good friend and a useful assistant to Paul.

Let me just say as a little parenthesis here that the institution of slavery, as you know, was an accepted way of life in the Roman empire; and Paul never actually directly attacked the institution itself, though he did condemn the abuse of slavery. But what he did was to preach the gospel to both slave owners and slaves. As their lives and relationships with God were transformed, their relationships with each other were transformed. Ultimately, the whole system was overthrown.

Paul knew that Onesimus, as a runaway slave, had a responsibility to his former employer, to Philemon, and that he needed to make restitution for what he had stolen. So he sent Onesimus back to Philemon. It was too dangerous for Onesimus to go by himself. There would be slave catchers who might kill him before he ever got back to Colossae. So he sent Onesimus with a man named Tychicus who was carrying letters from Paul to the churches in Ephesus and Colossae.

He also sent along a letter to Philemon telling him what had happened and urging Philemon to do something that was absolutely radical in that culture, as it is in ours. That is, to forgive the man who had stolen from him, who had offended him. To lose an employee, to lose a slave was to lose something of great value.

Now, that’s a little bit of the backdrop of the story. Let’s pick up reading the text in verse 10. Paul says, “I appeal to you [Philemon] for my child, Onesimus, whose father I became in my imprisonment. [I became his spiritual father—led him to Christ.] (Formerly he was useless to you, but now he is indeed useful to you and to me.)

“I am sending him back to you, sending my very heart. I would have been glad to keep him with me, in order that he might serve me on your behalf during my imprisonment for the gospel, but I preferred to do nothing without your consent in order that your goodness might not be by compulsion but of your own free will.

“For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever, no longer as a slave but more than a slave, as a beloved brother—especially to me, but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the Lord. So if you consider me your partner [Philemon], receive him as you would receive me.

“If he has wronged you at all, or owes you anything, charge that to my account. I, Paul, write this with my own hand: I will repay it—to say nothing of you’re owing me even your own self” (verses 10-19). Then verse 21, “Confident of your obedience, I write to you, knowing that you will do even more than I say.”

There are three main characters of this story. There’s the offender—that’s Onesimus, a man who stole from his employer and ran away. There’s the person who was offended—that is Philemon. Then there’s the peacemaker—that’s Paul, who seeks to bring these parties together.

At any given point in your life, chances are you are in at least one of those three categories. At times you may be the person who has been the offender. At times, you may be the person who has been offended. At times, you may be the person on the sideline trying to bring together two people who are estranged in their relationship.

Isn’t it interesting when there’s been an estrangement how hard it is to sort through who’s the offender and who’s the offended? Because if you talk to the person on one side, they say they’re the offended party. If you talk to the other party, they say, no, they’re the offended party. So we’re not generally willing to call ourselves the offender. We usually think the other person is the offender and we are the offended.

In each case, whether you’ve been offended or you’re an offender, or whether you’re the peacemaker, you have some responsibilities. The offender in this case, Onesimus, was responsible to humble himself, to take the initiative to go back and seek forgiveness. He had to make restitution.

He needed to accept the consequences for his sin even though that sin was before he became a Christian. He had to go back and make it right. That was his responsibility. When you’re the offender, that is your responsibility, to take the initiative to seek forgiveness, to seek reconciliation, to make restitution wherever possible.

Now, Philemon was the man in this case who had been wronged, had been offended. What was his responsibility? Well, it was to forgive. Not only to forgive, but to restore the one who had offended him. He had to be willing to absorb the loss, the wrong that had been done to him as an employer. He had to be willing now to look at this runaway slave who had stolen from him in a different light, to see him through eyes of Christ’s love, to see him as a brother in Christ now, not a slave any longer—more than a slave, a beloved brother in Christ.

When you’ve been offended, what’s your responsibility? To receive, to forgive, to restore, to be willing to absorb the loss, to look at that person in a new light. Isn’t it hard sometimes? Once you’ve seen a person in the way they’ve wronged you, you always see them through those eyes. God says, no, you need to be willing now to look at them through different eyes, to see them as a restored brother in Christ, to give them even better treatment than you ever did before. You see them through different eyes.

What was Paul’s responsibility as the man in between these two? He was responsible to do everything he could to bring these estranged brothers together, so he challenged the offender to repent and to seek forgiveness. He challenged the one who had been offended to forgive even though it cost Paul himself. Paul said, "I’m willing to pay a price to see these two brothers reconciled."

So in verse 18, he says to Philemon, “If he has wronged you at all or owes you anything, charge that to my account.” It can be costly to be a peacemaker, can’t it? He says I’m willing to pay the price to help bring these two together.

So where does God find you today as it relates to these three categories? Maybe in more than one of those categories. Is there someone that you have wronged, someone you have offended? Think about that estranged relationship I asked you to recall at the beginning of this session. Have you created any offense in that relationship?

Now, you may be thinking, “They’re the one who’s the offender.” But God’s asking you to say, “Is there any way I have created an offense? Have I offended that person?” What do you need to do to seek forgiveness, to make restitution, to seek reconciliation with that person? You need to take responsibility for your part in the breakup of that relationship, that marriage, that friendship, whatever. If you have offended that person, you’ve wronged them, go back and make it right.

Perhaps someone has wronged you. It’s easier for us to think of how that would be true. What do you do if someone’s wronged you? You ask, “What can I do to show the grace and the mercy of Christ to that person?” Don’t wait for them to come to you, by the way. See if you can be the first to get to the cross to initiate reconciliation of that relationship. What can you do to bridge the gap between you and that person?

Now, it won’t always be possible. Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” If it’s possible . . . I think sometimes it’s possible, and we don’t go for it. We don’t try to see that relationship be reconciled.

Then do you know two people who need to be reconciled to each other? Maybe two members of your family, two members of your church. Ask yourself, “What can I do to bring those people together?” Did you notice that Paul didn’t take sides in this estranged relationship? He didn’t pick up an offense for Onesimus. He didn’t pick up an offense for Philemon. He just said, “They’re two brothers have been estranged and they need to be brought back together. What can I do to bring them together?”

Be careful not to pick up an offense for someone you’re talking to. If you listen to one family member, you’re hearing their side of story, you pick up an offense and you get bitter toward the other person. You’ll never be part of the solution if you take sides, if you pick up an offense against someone else.

So as you think of those people that you know who need to be reconciled, ask God, “How can I be an instrument to bring those people together?” You see, Paul knew how much God had forgiven him and he knew that God had forgiven Philemon. He knew that God had forgiven Onesimus. He knew that it was important that these men extend grace and mercy to each other.

Tomorrow we’re going to look at some other insights about reconciliation from the little story of Philemon. Let me just stop here for the moment and say this passage makes it so clear that we need to understand and we need to practice forgiveness—seeking forgiveness and extending forgiveness. We need to help others practice seeking and extending forgiveness—whether you’re the offender, the offended, or the person on the sideline saying, “What can I do to see the grace of God extended in this situation?”

Leslie: That’s Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Like she said, we need to understand and then practice forgiveness. In our homes, sometimes it seems like we need a lot of practice. Nancy’s talking about that with some friends: Kim Wagner, Holly Elliff, Maria Johnson and Kathy Helvey.

Nancy: I want to ask you ladies a personal question. You’re all married, and you’ve all been married for a number of years. None of you are married to a man who is perfectly sanctified or glorified yet. I assume your husbands have feet of clay. I assume they have characteristics and traits that at times you don’t understand or could drive you crazy or you wish were different. How do you keep bitterness from creeping up in your marriage?

Holly Elliff: The Scripture says in Ephesians 4:26, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” When I think of that anger, I think of my rights being violated in some way. It is just so critical for us to keep short accounts. I always have a choice about whether or not I pick up hurt or absorb that hurt. I talk with gals a lot of times about wearing a raincoat in the sense of I can go outside when it’s raining and not get wet if I choose to put on the right equipment.

Nancy: So, Holly, what’s the difference between that and just becoming hard?

Holly: Well, the difference is that I can put my raincoat on and still have a tender heart. Adrian Rogers used to say we need to have the hide of an elephant but the heart of a servant. So I can have not a tough exterior, but an exterior that is shielded by God’s grace in the sense of if someone does something hurtful in my life, I can understand that it’s hurtful.

But at that very moment, I have a choice about whether or not I pick up that hurt, put it in my suitcase and take it home with me or whether or not I see that, allow God’s grace to roll that off my back, and say, “Father, I don’t even have to pick this up.” I’m not living in a hard-hearted way toward that individual. I’m just choosing not to pick up an offense.

Nancy: So how do you know in your marriage . . . Something hurtful happens; your husband says something that’s insensitive or unkind or abrupt or whatever. He’s not sensitive to a need. He forgets your birthday, whatever. How do you know when to bring it up, when to bring it to his attention, and when to just let it go?

Holly: It has taken a long time, but the Lord has taught me that there are a lot of things I can just let go—a lot of things. There are so many offenses that come into our lives that are just foolishness from others or silliness or not thinking. That’s a big key—to go back and think, “Now, is that really . . . were they really intending to hurt me?” They probably don’t even realize they were intending to hurt me. I can let go of that.

Then there are a few things, though, that I could categorize as: This is a pattern of selfishness, or this is a pattern of wrong behavior. This is sin. Then I have to go to Galatians 6:1 that tells me that I’m to go to my brother—because my husband is my brother in Christ—but I’m to go to him in gentleness and love.

That’s the key, because what the Lord has shown me is it is all right to appeal to my authority or to go to my husband whom I love and say, “I love you, and this is why I want to talk to you about this. You have said this. It has hurt me, and I know that you didn’t mean to hurt me by this. I know your heart, but let me explain to you that this kind of action hurts me and why.”

So then you’ve opened the door to have really a loving communication about that offense rather than . . . I think the worst thing that we as women can do is to grab onto that hurt and offense, let our mind run with it, our imagination build it up bigger than what it actually was, and then throw it at some point back at that husband, maybe even not in the form of dealing with that actual offense, but at something else. You let out, you vent all of that anger, all of that that you’ve held onto, and he doesn’t even know what’s hit him.

Kim Wagner: I know there are women listening who are thinking, “Well, that’s great, because Kim has a husband she can talk to.” I know there are women listening who are thinking, “But I’m married to an unbeliever, or my husband is an angry man so that would be impossible for me.” Maria, I know you have lived here in some sense for a while. What would you say to those women?

Maria Johnson: One of the things that I didn’t realize I was doing unconsciously was when I would go to make an appeal or state my opinion on something, it was with an attitude that he would agree with me on the spot. That brings me to Psalm 62:5: “My soul, wait silently for God alone.” It says my hope or “my expectation is from God.” (NKJV) So I go to my husband or my friend or whoever it may be to make an appeal or point something out. I go with the expectation that they don’t have to agree with me. They don’t even have to answer me on the spot.

I say that to them. “I need to talk to you about something. It’s really hard. I don’t want an answer. All I’m asking you to do is listen.” Well, that takes all the pressure off the person instead of feeling attacked. That has made the biggest difference. Then another thing is I think oftentimes when we’re hurt or offended, as Nancy said, it’s because we do have expectations of other people, and they don’t even know that we expect that.

I have even said . . . I’ve heard other women say, “Well, if they don’t know, I’m not going to tell them.” Well, how foolish is that? So we don’t make our cautions, our concerns, our preferences clear, then we’re hurt because it doesn’t happen how we wanted it to.

Nancy: And hurt because they didn’t know it and they should have.

Maria: Yes. I mean . . .

Nancy: My mom often has told other women (wives) over the years don’t expect your husband to be able to read your mind.

Maria: Right. That’s what I say to people. “Have you talked to them about that?” Have you said . . . “Oh, I can’t talk to them.” Write it down. Write them a sweet note. But work it out with the Lord first so that whether they agree, disagree, listen or not, your expectation is from God because you pray ahead of time and ask the Lord to prepare their heart and that the Holy Spirit would speak to them. That relieves . . . that makes such a difference in a relationship where you have relieved them of your unspoken expectation—but they feel it—that they’re going to agree on the spot and . . .

Kim: So it’s not that we don’t speak the truth?

Maria: Oh, no, we do.

Kim: We speak the truth, but like Ephesians 4:15 says, we speak the truth in love.

Maria: Most of the time I have found, and in my own life I’ve been guilty too, we don’t speak clearly. We will hint. Well, that’s not speaking the truth. Just being freed of expecting an answer on the spot or agreement on the spot—whether he says yes or no or agrees or doesn’t, I’m happy because my expectation is from God. Don’t expect agreement on the spot or even an answer on the spot.

Kathy Helvey: You know, there’s a quote that says expectations are resentments waiting to happen. If we’re walking with the Lord and learning day-by-day to walk with the Lord, hopefully for the rest of our lives, hopefully we’ll grow in having our expectations in Him. It’s God that changes lives. If we could just be still as women and not try to control and try to change—and even stop talking sometimes—and just go to the Lord.

Leslie: That’s Kathy Helvey talking with Nancy Leigh DeMoss and our other guests about ways you can make your home a place of peace. Maybe the programs this week have brought up some memories in your mind. You realize it’s time to forgive or maybe you realize I still don’t really want to forgive. Wherever you are in the process of healing, I hope you’ll read a new book by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. It’s called Choosing Forgiveness: Your Journey to Freedom.

This book will take you into Scriptural principles of forgiveness. You’ll understand why forgiveness leads to healing and freedom. It will also address some practical how-to’s on forgiveness. Don’t let bitterness spread into your future. Find freedom today and order Choosing Forgiveness. You can order online for a donation of $18 or more by visiting ReviveOurHearts.com. You can also call 1-800-569-5959.

Your relationships are not just about you and your friend. They reflect God’s glory. That’s why forgiveness is so important. Hear more about the spiritual significance of forgiveness tomorrow. Nancy’s going to wrap up our time in prayer.

Nancy: Lord, You know each of our stories, each of our lives. You know what caused those broken relationships. You know where we’re more wrong than we probably realize in most of those cases, and You know how deeply others have hurt us. Thank you, Lord, that You have extended such mercy and grace to us.

I pray that You would help us to be serious about pursuing reconciliation, about seeking forgiveness when we’ve sinned and extending forgiveness when we’ve been sinned against. Lord, help us to be peacemakers, to pursue peace with all men. I pray in Jesus’ name, amen.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

All Scripture is taken from the English Standard Version unless otherwise noted.

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