Keeping Warm--Listener Letters

Series: The Power of Relationships

Leslie Basham: Here's Nancy Leigh DeMoss reading from a letter she received from a woman in a tough situation.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: She says, "I have been married for fifteen and a half years to a man who is very difficult to live with. He has been temperamental, demanding, cold and accusatory. Although I believed he was a Christian when we were married, this behavior which surfaced shortly after we married made me believe he could not possibly have been saved."

Leslie Basham: That letter represents many of our listeners who are in difficult marriages. Today, we offer some help. It is Friday, March 19. And this is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. Here is Nancy.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: From time to time on Revive Our Hearts, we like to stop and just share with you some of the responses that we have been receiving from our listeners. And let me say we don't want to just hear about the victories, we also want to know about the heartaches and the sorrows and the prayer requests because we really do consider you part of our Revive Our Hearts family and want to serve you in any way that we can.

I suppose the most common theme or thread that appears in letters we received has to do with women and marriage and family issues. I thought today would be meaningful to share with you a few letters that we have received from women sharing what God is doing in their hearts in relationship to their marriage.

We aired the series some times ago about women and their sexual relationships with their husbands. One woman responded and she said, "I have known for quite some time that my intimate relationship with my husband suffers, not because of him but because of me constantly denying him what he so much desires."

Let me just say that whether it is on this issue or anything else, it is so refreshing to hear that kind of honesty, that humility is a means to receive the grace of God. This woman said, "I have used so many excuses including, 'tomorrow is a workday and I will be too tired at work if we get intimate. I am too exhausted to get intimate. If only I was a stay-at-home mom, our intimacy level would increase.'

"In my eyes, these excuses were all accurate; but in God's eyes, they were not excuses but sin--the failure to give myself to my husband. After listening to your programs on this subject, now I know that it is time to freely give myself over to my husband, in obedience to God, who I really do love and to trust that God will bring the joy and the strength that I need in this and all circumstances."

And let me say that God will give joy and God will give strength to you when you say, "Yes, Lord. I want to do what it is that You want me to do." This woman said, "Praise God for deliverance and the desire He places in our hearts to be obedient to Him. I can't wait until my husband notices the change in me through the grace that God has given to me."

And I do not think that it will take long for that husband to recognize the change that God is bringing about in that woman's life. Now, let me share another touching letter that we received not too long ago from a woman who says, "Dear Nancy, as I listen to your program today, I was the lady in the story."

Now, on the particular program that she listened to I told a story about a woman who had a husband who was an alcoholic and a drug addict. And this lady wrote to say. "I was desperately trying to serve the Lord and at times holding on by my toenails. But one thing you said really spoke to me, the difficulties we went through as a family were definitely times the Lord used to make me more like Him.

"God taught me so much through those difficult times. I definitely learned the meaning of long-suffering and endurance. In spite of the fact that we had a difficult marriage and through all the madness, somehow my husband and I have always been committed to making our marriage work. He even left home several times, but each time God used that period to show me His loving kindness and His power to restore."

And can I just remind you that there are some aspects of the heart and the character and the power that you will never experience until you have been in that very desperate hard place where if God does not come through there is no hope. And this woman said, "Because we endured, we are now on the road to recovery."

And I wonder how many people do not ever get on that road to recovery because they bail out rather than enduring and learning what God wants to teach them through those painfully hard times. Now this woman is quick to say that it is not a fairy tale ending to her story. She says, "I am still praying for the day that my husband comes to know Jesus and makes Him his personal savior.

"I long for the day when we can sit and share the Scripture and pray together and talk about what I have learned about our Heavenly Father. But until that time comes, I resign myself to the fact that I am where I am by the will of God."

And what an important recognition that is. I would say to that listener and to you, that wherever God has you at this moment, freedom will come when you accept those circumstances as God's will for you for this moment.

She says, "I am resting in that fact, believing that one day, perhaps in a not distant future, my dear husband will come to know and love the Lord, just as I have. Please pray for our family." And we do pray for families like that and women like that and as you have said in your request, know that we will pray for you.

But I am so thrilled to know that this woman's heart is for her family, for her husband and her son to come to know Jesus as she has. And that she is willing to endure the difficulties in this marriage, knowing that eternity is so much longer than this life and that through her endurance and her love for that husband, God may be pleased to bring that husband to faith in Jesus Christ.

Now, here is another letter that touched me in a special way. This woman says, "I know you receive letters from many discouraged wives." And that is true, but she said, "I wanted you to hear from one who is not," she says. "I have been married for fifteen and a half years to a man who is very difficult to live with. He has been temperamental, demanding, cold and accusatory.

"Although I believed he was a Christian when we were married, this behavior that surfaced shortly after we married made me believe he could not possibly have been saved. I spent the first nine years of our marriage in depression, wishing he would die suddenly in an accident so that I could start over. I hate to admit to having such thoughts, but it's the truth.

But here is the key," she says. "God enabled me to love him, even when he was unlovable." And let me remind you that it is only by the power of God, His grace to you, that you can love a husband or a parent or a child or a boss or anyone who is unlovable. And then she says, "Six years ago, after these nine difficult years, my husband started opening up to me.

"I found that he has gone through some terrible trials in his life. He has been rejected over and over by people who should have loved him. And it is hard for him to believe that anyone can love him. His experiences at times have caused him to doubt his salvation. His behavior was his sinful nature's response to rejection and discouragement.

"I would be willing to bet," she says, "that some other husbands of those discouraged wives are wounded souls in need of love and encouragement." She says, "I hear wives say, 'I am not going to love him until he treats me better.' It does not work that way. Love him anyway. My husband now tells me that I have shown him the true meaning of grace, by my words and my attitude toward him, even when he treated me badly."

And that reminds me of that passage in 1 Peter 2 and 1 Peter 3 where we were told that Christ had suffered for the just and the unjust without retaliating, without defending Himself but by His willingness to be wounded, we have been healed. And then chapter 3 [:1], 1 Peter goes on to say, the very next paragraph, "in the same way you wives have the attitude of Christ toward your husbands, so that they can be spiritually healed."

You know there may be no better way for your husband to come to know the love of God than for him to see that love demonstrated in you. This wife says, "Can there be any greater purpose for a wife than to be used as an instrument of God in demonstrating His love, God's love."

And that is a selfless way to think, a selfless way to live because if you are just in your marriage for your personal happiness and your personal blessing and joy, you are going to find yourself disappointed and frustrated time and time again.

But if your objective is to reflect the heart of Jesus to your husband, if your objective is to see your husband become what God has made him to be, then you will discover that God will give you the power to demonstrate His love and His grace to your mate.

This wife says, "I now recognize that my husband is a wonderful, intelligent, talented, deeply spiritual man who is hurting. The pain I have gone through helps me to understand what he is going through. I am a better helpmate because of those nine difficult years. I would gladly love, support and encourage this man as long as God wills for us to be on this earth together."

That's called being in it for the long haul. She says, "Our marriage is not perfect, but what on this earth is perfect? I am content. God strengthens me and helps me through and I know He will do the same for all of us discouraged wives out there. They might never know the reason for which they are suffering, but they will be stronger for it. I know I am."

And she signed her letter: "Sister in Christ." Well, I just wonder if I am speaking to another sister in Christ today and you are hurting, you have been discouraged and you have not been able to see the purpose for which you are enduring in this marriage. I trust that this testimony has been an encouragement and a challenge to you.

He is committed to your marriage and He will give you the grace to do that which you think you cannot possibly do, and which you could not do without Him.

Leslie Basham: If you can relate to some of the tough situations we heard about today, please pray with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. She will be right back. You also may want to get a copy of a book called When He Doesn't Believe. Nancy Kennedy wrote this book to encourage you if your husband doesn't share your faith. She offers advice and help in effectively loving your husband and building a home together.

You can get a copy for a suggested donation of $13 by calling 1-800-569-5959. When you order, we will send you a free gift. It is a little tract adapted from Nancy's book Lies Women Believe. It will help you identify lies you may be listening to and help you change by the power of God's truth. Nancy wrote it for anyone feeling frazzle, frustrated, angry or overwhelmed.

We'll send you one free with your order. And if you know others who can benefit from this tract, you can order a package of 25. Just call us at 1-800-569-5959 or visit ReviveOurHearts.com. Today Nancy mentioned how much she appreciates your letter. Why don't you write?

On Monday, we will hear from Janet Lynn, a championship skater turned stay-at-home mom. Find out what God has done in her life. We heard some letters today from women who are in difficult marriages. Here is Nancy to pray with anyone in that situation.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Lord, how I lift up sisters in Christ who are listening to this program today, who are discouraged, frustrated, who are thinking about giving up on their marriages. And they think they can't possibly go on. O Lord, may You assure them of Your love. May You assure them that You are in all things working to bring about Your purposes in their lives, in their husbands' lives and perhaps in generations to come.

And I pray that You will give grace to endure, not just today but tomorrow and the next day and the next day so that when they stand before You in eternity, they will be able to say, "O, God, by Your grace, I was faithful." Thank you that You are faithful and able to keep us from falling and to present us faultless before the presence of Your glory with the exceeding joy. I pray in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Leslie Basham:

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is a ministry partnership of Life Action Ministry.