A Wise Woman's Soft Heart

Series: Becoming a Woman of Discretion

Leslie Basham: When God's love softens your heart, others can see it. Here's Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Once you have that heart toward Him, you'll find that your countenance reflects that softness. A woman who is set in her own will and her own way is going to have a countenance of face that shows a hardness.

Leslie Basham: It's Tuesday, February 17. Welcome to Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

A foolish woman has a hard heart toward God. But a wise woman has a tender heart and sometimes you can just see it. How does the quality of a woman's heart affect the look on her face? Let's join Nancy Leigh DeMoss as she continues her study of Proverbs 7.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: We've been looking at a portrait of a "foolish woman" as she's illustrated in Proverbs, chapter 7. We've come to verse 13 and we've seen that this foolish woman with crafty, seductive intent has gone out to meet a young foolish man in the middle of the night and in an inappropriate place and setting--for she is a married woman, and she's focusing attention and effort upon a man who is not her husband.

We've seen that she is physically aggressive in her behavior toward this man. She greets him boldly. She's an initiator in the relationship, versus taking the role that God intended for us to have as woman, as responders.

And there's a little phrase that we passed over in the last session from verse 13. We're told she caught him; she kissed him and with an impudent face she spoke to him. She initiates the conversation. That word "impudent" in some of your translations reads "brazen."

The word means a woman whose face is hardened. She's not tender toward God. You want to be protected from becoming an immoral woman? Ask God to give you a tender and soft heart first toward Him and once you have that heart toward Him, you'll find that your countenance reflects that softness.

A woman who is set in her own will and her own way is going to have a countenance of face that shows a hardness. I don't know what it is about us as women, but we show more in our faces, I think, than men do.

And I can look at so many women today and see evidence of hardness of hearts. And sometimes that's because there have been hurts, but sometimes it's just because they've lived a life of going their own way. And there's a hardness that results.

You may be one of those women. If you're not sure, you may want to ask someone, "Do I show a hardness of heart or spirit or countenance?" And if you are a woman with a hardened heart and a hardened face and countenance, ask God to give you a tender heart, to create in you a new and clean heart--so that your face and your spirit and your eyes can reflect to the world the gentleness, the goodness, the kindness and the meekness of Christ.

Now, as this woman initiates a conversation with this young foolish man, she says, "I have peace offerings with me. This day have I paid my vows." We see here that this is a religious woman.

One writer says about this passage, her religious activity was a pretense--an effort to cloud any sense of wrongdoing she may have had. And I think so often as Christian women, we compensate for the guilt of what's really in our hearts by getting active in religious or church activities.

Think of that passage in Proverbs, chapter 5, two chapters earlier, where the writer says, "I was almost in all evil in the midst of the congregation and the assembly."

In Proverbs 5, that man is saying, "These kinds of immoral activities don't just happen in brothels, these kinds of things take place among church people in religious settings. The writer says in that chapter, in chapter 5, "I almost threw away my marriage, and became immorally involved with a woman in the midst of the congregation and the assembly."

You say, "Church ought to be a safe place." The fact is, it's human to go to church and so many of us often act foolishly and in our flesh rather than in our spirits. Do you know that even at church, with church people, in church relationships, as a woman you can be a foolish woman and can find yourself mired in evil, in the midst of a congregation and in the assembly?

She says to this young man in verse 15, "Therefore came I forth to meet thee, diligently to seek thy face, and I have found thee." Now as yet, the man has not said a word. She's doing all the talking. She's doing all the initiating. She's in a place where she shouldn't be; she's there at a time when she should not be.

Her heart has left her home and she goes forth to meet this young man. As I read her words, I see a woman who is building up this foolish man's ego with flattery. She makes him feel important. She makes him feel needed. You're the one who is meaningful to me.

Now, all these kinds of expressions, this is taking place out in the street in a black and dark night, the Scripture says.

But these kinds of conversations can take place in the aisle of a church. These kinds of conversations can take place across a desk at work or even in a counseling situation with a pastor or a therapist or a counselor--saying as women to these men, even men of God that we respect, using verbal admiration and verbal expressions of appreciation to draw men to us in ways that are not appropriate, wholesome or holy.

Does that mean I can never say to a man, "I really appreciate this quality in your life?" We want to be women who express gratitude. And we want to express appreciation to men of God who minister the Word to us, who teach us the ways of God.

But be careful in your verbal expressions to men, even men of God--especially men of God--that you don't focus on physical characteristics, that it's not flattery, that it's not with a seductive heart or a heart to get attention or affirmation that you may not feel that you're getting at home.

Ask yourself, "Am I speaking as kindly, graciously, gratefully and tenderly to my own husband and more so than I am to this man?"

Or am I expressing forms of admiration to this man that it's been a long time since I've expressed to my own husband. To those of you who are married women, she's building his ego up, and she's increasing the chances of this becoming a full-blown affair.

Now, it may or may not become one in your life. But you're increasing the likelihood of it becoming an immoral relationship by using your tongue to build up with words of admiration, characteristics that are temporal or physical characteristics, words that a man's own wife should be speaking to him.

You may feel those things, those genuine aspects of appreciation in your heart but be restrained and under the leadership of the Spirit as to how and when and to what extent you express those things.

I have the privilege of working with many godly men in the ministry. And so many of them, I admire their heart; I admire their walk with God; I admire a lot of things about their character but a lot of that I keep in my heart and I don't say to those men--because that man needs to be hearing those things from his wife.

And you don't want to put yourself or that man in a situation where you would be drawn to each other in ways that at first seem spiritual, but ultimately may be ways that are lustful.

This woman says now to this simple young man, this foolish man, "I have decked my bed with coverings of tapestry, with carved works, with fine linen of Egypt. I perfumed my bed with myrhh, aloes and cinnamon."

She seeks to lure this man into her trap by describing the sensuous nature of her and her husband's bedroom. She's just indiscreet. Now, so many women today don't even know what that word means. We need to learn the meaning of that word. Discreet has to do with speaking and behaving in a way that is appropriate, that has proper boundaries.

She is indiscreet. She's speaking about intimate matters and settings, outside of the appropriate context for that discussion. It's absolutely appropriate that she should have romantic aspects of her bedroom and her language, but it should be focused on her husband, not on another man.

She's talking publicly about intimate matters. And I find that so many women today just say whatever they're thinking. They use words and language and descriptions that are not appropriate for public conversation.

I can remember when I was a little girl and some of you will laugh at this perhaps today, but it was not even considered discreet to say the word "pregnant." A woman was "expecting" a child.

Do you know, I still kind of trip on saying the word "pregnant" in a public setting today. Now, you say, "Is there anything wrong or sinful about the word "pregnant." No, but there was a standard and a restraint in relation to the way we talked in mixed settings and in public settings.

We used more intimate words in more intimate settings. Today that's all gone out the window. And we say words that I can't say here in this setting--that are not filthy words, they're not immoral words--they're just words that are "intimate" words, descriptions of intimate things.

And it's not discreet, it's not appropriate for us to be having those kinds of conversations outside of the most intimate relationships of our lives. You see, this woman has a romantic bedroom. That's great, but it's intended to be shared with one man--with her husband and not with another man.

As we talk about this foolish woman, you may be thinking, I wouldn't be talking about intimate matters with a man who is not my husband. Let me ask you this, are you talking about intimate matters with the man who is your husband? Are you appropriately expressing the admiration, the gratitude and talking about matters of intimate importance to both of you? Are you verbalizing those in the context of your marriage?

You want to build a stronger marriage that is more resistant to foolish women who may meet your husband or to foolish men that you may meet. Then invest in that man, that kind of conversation and attention and affection and words that will strengthen and build up your marriage.

Leslie Basham: That's Nancy Leigh DeMoss challenging us to use discretion in the things we say. Using words in a haphazard way is just one mark of the foolish woman that we discovered in this study of Proverbs 7.

If you'd like to dive deeper and really understand the differences between the wise and foolish woman, we encourage you to get a copy of our current series. It's called "Becoming a Woman of Discretion."

You can get the two cassette series for a suggested donation of $8 or two CD's for $10. Just call 1‑800‑569‑5959. You can get the two cassette series for a suggested donation of $8 or two CD's for $10. Just call 1‑800‑569‑5959. You can also order on-line at ReviveOurHearts.com.

While you're there, you can get information on our Becoming a Woman of Discretion Makeover kit. This won't help you makeover your looks, but it will help you makeover your heart. It includes a series of interactive booklets, an incredible instruction from Nancy. Again, our Web address is ReviveOurHearts.com or call 1‑800‑569‑5959.

And let us know what's going on with you, what have you been learning about becoming a woman of discretion? You can drop us a note at Revive Our Hearts.

What do you think is the difference between love and lust? Nancy Leigh DeMoss will give us some definitions tomorrow. We hope you can join us for Revive Our Hearts.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is a ministry partnership of Life Action Ministry.

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