A Wise Woman's Relationships

Series: Becoming a Woman of Discretion

Leslie Basham: As a woman, do you act more like an initiator or a responder towards men?

It's Monday, February 16; and this is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Perhaps growing up you heard of Sadie Hawkins Day. It was traditionally the one day of the year when a girl was encouraged to take the initiative and ask a boy on a date. That may seem a little outdated now because these days women pursue men all the time. Is this biblical? That's one of the topics Nancy will cover today.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: We're looking at a description in the Scripture of a foolish woman. We're walking verse by verse, phrase by phrase, through Proverbs, chapter 7 and seeing the characteristics of this foolish woman.

This woman happens to be an immoral woman. But we're asking ourselves, are any of the characteristics that are true of that woman true of us? And let me just pick up back in verse 11 where we've been the last couple of sessions.

In describing this woman, it says "she is loud and stubborn. Her feet abide not in her house. Now, is she out, now on the streets and lieth in wait at every corner.

"So she caught him"--this is the young man that she is going to trap, that she's going to seduce and ensnare. And, remember, if you go back earlier in the passage, that this is in the middle of the night, this is a time and place where a married woman should not be with a man who is not her husband. "She caught him," verse 13, "and kissed him.

"And with an impudent face said unto him, 'I have peace offerings with me. This day have I paid my vow. Therefore, came I forth to meet thee, diligently to seek thy face, and I have found thee. I have decked my bed with coverings of tapestry, with carved works, with fine linen of Egypt.

"'I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning. Let us solace ourselves with love, for the good man--my husband--is not at home. He is gone on a long journey. He has taken a bag of money with him and will come at the day appointed.' With her much fair speech, she caused him to yield. With the flattering of her lips, she forced him." She seduced him with the smoothness of her talk.

Now, let's go back into that passage and just look at some of the characteristics that are true of this woman. We're beginning in verse 13, and we're told that she caught him, she kissed him and with an impudent face she spoke to him. What picture does that stir up in your minds?

I picture a bold woman who really just throws herself on this man. She just greets him with a great big "bear hug." I see a woman who is not fulfilling the role of a wise woman, which is to be a "responder."

This is one value that we really have twisted around in our culture today. And so much so that very few women--even Christian women--understand the significance of this difference.

You know, even the basic physiological differences between men and women teach us that God designed for men to be the initiators and for us as women to be responders. It's nothing at all today for girls to be calling boys at home--even young teenagers! It's nothing for girls to be asking boys out on dates. What's wrong with this?

The fact that as Christian women, so many of us don't know what's wrong with that is evidence of the extent to which the foolishness of our age has influenced our thinking.

If a young Christian woman wants to find a mate, wants to be married, the suggestion today, even among Christian teachers in some cases, is that she needs to get out there and let young men know that she's available. And I just want to say to women, "This is not God's way of thinking. This is not God's way of living."

I have counseled with so many married women over the years who live with this chronic recurring frustration that their husbands are not--what?--spiritual leaders. And then we look back at how these relationships began and evolved and unfolded.

And we see it began with the woman taking initiative. If the relationship, even in one that will end in marriage, begins with the woman taking initiative, what makes that woman think that then when they're married and she wants a spiritual leader who will lead her and will take initiative that that's the kind of husband she's going to have. This woman is bold; she's flirtatious. The woman who flirts is saying in effect, "I don't trust God."

One of the wonderful things about being a woman, as a single woman, is that it's not up to us to make marriage happen. Now, I believe that God's intent is that men who believe that God wants them to be married, which is true in most cases--singleness should be the exception to God's rule, for the sake of being set apart for single ministry--but most men, I believe God wants to be married. And I believe that under the leadership of God's Spirit, men should take the initiative and ask God, "Show me what woman you want me to marry."

But, if you're the woman in the equation, the single woman, it's not up to you to find that man. That's where you can wait on the Lord. Now, I can just hear single women saying, "I'm going to be waiting a l-o-n-g time. And, you know what? You may.

But the Scripture says that the person who trusts in the Lord will never be disappointed. And I can't write the end of your story. I can't tell you how it will all unfold; but I can tell you that if you trust in the Lord and if you wait for Him, you will never be disappointed.

So here we have a woman who has aggressive behavior; she catches this man; she kisses him. Let me address another point just off of that phrase. I find that even in the church today, and maybe especially in the church today because I spend a lot of time with church women in churches. And I watch, and I find that so many of us as women are not discreet in this matter of physical contacts with men who are not our husbands.

I'll go in to a church setting or a group of Christian men and women and see women just reach out and, maybe not in an obnoxious or an obviously immoral way and perhaps with not immoral intent at all, but just reach out and give a man a bear hug--a man who is somebody else's husband.

Now, I'm not saying that the intent of that woman is to be immoral. But I'm saying that is a foolish thing to do. We need to be careful.

And you say, "Are you putting such restrictions on us that we have to walk around like people who don't have feelings and can't touch each other, and you're just being legalistic about this?"

You know, when you're driving on a high mountain road that's very narrow, and there's a precipice right off of that road, aren't you thankful for the guardrails? You don't fuss about those guardrails. Those guardrails become a protection from a big dangerous fall.

So, in my own life, these are not matters of being legalistic or feeling that you can't have warm and meaningful relationships with members of the opposite sex. It just says that there must always be restraints; that the filling and the controlling of the Holy Spirit in my life will give me the wisdom to know not to throw myself in my attitude, in my eyes, in my speech or physically on another man.

Now, that's not always an easy way to live. And we women are drawn by touch. That's meaningful to us. But I tell you what, God knows how to touch you at the innermost parts of your heart in ways that are more significant than any man, including a husband, can ever touch you.

Now, I know we crave physical touch, and God doesn't give to us that same sense of physical touch that we may long for. But, you know, part of being a disciple of the Lord Jesus is the willingness to have unfilled longings and to let those be, as I've heard Elisabeth Elliot say in the past, material for sacrifice, something to offer up to the Lord and acknowledge, "Yes, it's not easy. It is hard to live this way. But, by God's grace, that's the way I want to live."

See, when you as a woman throw yourself in a bear hug onto a man who is the husband of another woman, what you don't know, as well as you may think you know that man and as godly a man as you think he is, (I've seen this happen in churches down at the front at an altar with women hugging a pastor, there's nothing immoral in their intent about that, and they think, This is a godly man, and he may be), what you don't know at that moment, is where that man is in his own walk with God, where he is in his relationship with his wife.

And just because he's a pastor or man of God, doesn't mean that he and his wife are always living in perfect oneness and harmony at home. There may be struggles and issues there. There may have been just that day a point of hurt. It happens in Christian leaders' homes, too. They're real people.

And there may be some struggles in his heart as a man. And when he finds a woman who is physically drawn to him, and it may not even be for physical reasons (sometimes it can be just a sense of being spiritually drawn to this man as a spiritual leader) and when he senses that affirmation, that respect, that being drawn to him--in that moment, you may create in his heart a greater temptation and vulnerability than you have any idea that happens.

I've read stories about this. I've heard men and women talk about this, about things that get triggered and fueled in their own hearts as much as they may have been seeking to walk with the Lord.

In that moment of weakness, in that moment of vulnerability, you and I with the best of intentions can be the means of that man being spiritually cast down. You don't want that to happen. I don't want that to happen.

That's why we need, not only to guard our hearts, but to not be like this foolish woman who catches this man, physically embraces him and even in this case kisses him. This is something that is precious, is an intimate thing and ought to be reserved for marriage so that you are giving your best, even physical attention and affection to that man that God has chosen to be your husband.

Leslie Basham: That's Nancy Leigh DeMoss challenging us to be wise in all our dealings with men. Nancy will be back to lead us in prayer in just a minute.

You've probably noticed that Nancy's teaching today runs counter to what the world promotes as wisdom. To help you to develop true, godly wisdom, we'd like to send you Nancy's free booklet, Becoming a Woman of Discretion. It will lead you through a study of Proverbs 7, and then offer a list of questions to help you evaluate whether you're growing in discretion.

To get the free booklet, Becoming a Woman of Discretion, you can write us at Revive Our Hearts or call toll-free 1‑800‑569‑5959. 

You can also get a copy by visiting ReviveOurHearts.com. While you're there, take a look at all of Nancy's books and articles to help you with specific issues you're dealing with.

When you have a soft heart toward God, it affects the look on your face. We'll discuss that tomorrow. Now, to finish our time together, here's Nancy.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Father, we're talking about some difficult things here. And I pray that Your Holy Spirit would show us how to apply in our own walks what needs to be applied. And I pray that we would not become critical or judgmental of others who may not understand some of these truths or may be naive, but that we would be wise, that we would model wisdom.

And that we, as women, would be teaching younger women Your ways. That we might find freedom and blessing, and the most wholesome, holy, pure relationship possible by handling ourselves in ways that are wise. I pray it for Jesus' sake. Amen.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is a ministry partnership of Life Action Ministry.

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