Affirmations of the True Woman Manifesto, Part 2What Does Your Marriage Communicate

Leslie Basham: Nancy Leigh DeMoss says, “If you want to preserve the sanctity of marriage in our nation, make sure you’re building your own marriage.”

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: It’s very difficult for us to credibly protest gay marriage because of the fact that we have not preserved and protected the marriage covenant between men and women. I’ll go even a step further and go out on a limb and say this. In my opinion, the erosion of Christian marriages, the break up of Christian marriages, is having an even greater negative affect in our culture than the move to legalize gay marriage.

Leslie Basham: You’re listening to Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss for Tuesday, May 11.

Only God knows how the next 25 minutes or so will be used in the lives of women. Nancy’s in a series called Affirmations of the True Woman Manifesto, Part 2. But each day no matter what the topic, women’s hearts are being touched. For instance we heard from a listener in Texas who said, “I had never listened to your program before but by coincidence I turned on the radio and your program was on. You spoke about a woman who had fallen out of love with her husband.”

This listener was in the same situation and realized she needed to make some changes. She wrote, “How I cried and asked God to forgive me for my selfishness. I thank God for the transformation of my love for my husband and I thank you for your ministry you have for women. Love and prayers from a new listener.”

And Nancy, God provides this kind of interaction over and over on Revive Our Hearts.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: It’s such an awesome thing to see the amazing power of God at work drawing in listeners like this one and transforming their lives. We’re praying that God will do that kind of work in listener’s lives as a result of today’s program. And all of this is possible thanks to listeners who give financially to support this ministry. Every donation that you give helps us connect with women who are in need of God’s truth. We’re able to be on the air in your area thanks to financial support from friends like you.

During the month of May we’re asking the Lord to provide $350,000 or more to help make up a budget shortfall that we’ve experienced as we come to the end of our fiscal year. If that need isn’t met, we’ll be faced with making some tough choices about scaling back our ministry on the radio.

So please would you pray for us? And as the Lord leads would you help us during this critical time?

Leslie Basham: You can help meet this need by calling 1-800-569-5959, or donate online at ReviveOurHearts.com. As our thanks for a donation of any amount we’ll send the new book Nancy edited, Voices of the True Woman Movement. Now, let’s get back to the series Affirmations of the True Woman Manifesto Part 2.

Nancy: I saw an article in the Los Angeles Times with this headline: Far Apart Under One Roof. It’s a story of a New York couple who were in the middle of a bitter divorce and both of them were determined not to let the other have the house they’ve lived in for 18 years. In order to solve the dispute, the judge ordered this couple to split their three-story house in half. As neighbors gathered outside to watch, a wall was constructed through the middle of their living room. The story says,

She got the garage, front door, spiral staircase, three bathrooms, second floor kitchen, four bedrooms and a nursery on the third floor. That left him with the side entrance into the first floor living room and bathroom along with a second floor dining room which he could only access by walking up his neighbor’s stairs outside, climbing over a railing on his balcony and entering through a window. She complains that he makes her life a nightmare by yelling, banging on walls and turning off her heat when it’s cold out. Both have vowed to stay in the house until the other moves.

Then I saw this piece written by a young male college student in his student newspaper. He said,

Since the Baby Boomer generation has gotten so much fun out of naming us hurtful and insensitive things like “Generation Me,” “Generation Why,” “Generation A.D.D.” or the "Entitlement Generation,” we should perhaps return the favor and start calling them “Generation Divorce.” [Speaking of his parent’s generation.] I’ve experienced divorce myself from the child’s point of view, and it isn’t anything I’d care to inflict on anybody else.

Our parents were so repulsed by the idea of the scrubbed-clean "Pleasantville," 1950s nuclear family that they have divorced in record numbers, and the lesson I see they’ve taught us is that compromise and fidelity are no longer in vogue. We’re seeing it with more women marrying older, couples staying in long-term relationships without committing to marriage, crippling divorce rates and the ideal family now becoming a minority in our country.¹

Now we’ve not addressed the subject of divorce head on very often on Revive Our Hearts. I intend at some point to do an extended teaching series on the subject. But I just felt the burden and the need to touch on it in the context of this broader series on the True Woman Manifesto.

Many Christians today are greatly concerned, and rightly so, about the cultural pressure and the movement to legalize gay marriage. The fact is, we as Christians no longer have a moral platform to speak to that subject. It’s very difficult for us to credibly protest gay marriage because of the fact that we have not preserved and protected the marriage covenant between men and women.

I’ll go even a step further and go out on a limb and say this: In my opinion, the erosion of Christian marriages, the breakup of Christian marriages, is having an even greater negative affect in our culture than the move to legalize gay marriage.

Now, I’m not supporting the move to legalize gay marriage. But I’m saying when you look at the consequences and the fallout, I believe that the breakup of Christian marriage is doing even greater damage. I hate to have to go on the air and say that because that’s kind of "family talk." But I think we’ve to be honest and repent of having set up within the church a divorce culture.

We’ve come to the part of the True Woman Manifesto that says,

We affirm that marriage as created by God is a sacred, binding,
lifelong covenant between one man and one woman.”

Because of what it represents God takes it seriously when people break that covenant.

Now I realize that there are in this room undoubtedly and certainly listening by air people who are divorced through no choice or desire of their own. I don’t want to place on you a guilt trip that God’s Word doesn’t place on you. Okay? What I’m talking about here is where we have choice, where we have input. Did you know that two-thirds of divorces today are being initiated by women?

As uncomfortable as it is and as much as I risk hurting or wounding the spirit, which I don’t want to do, of someone who is in a situation that they got to through no fault of their own, we can’t avoid talking about how seriously God takes this marriage covenant.

Malachi chapter 2 addresses this. It’s one of the key passages in the Scripture on this topic. The Scripture says in Malachi 2 beginning in verse 13,

You cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and crying; so He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands. Yet you say, "For what reason?”

Why isn’t God reviving us? Why isn’t He paying attention? Why aren’t things going right in the church? Why are we so far from God? Here’s the answer:

Because the Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously.

Some of the other translations say, “You have broken faith with her” (NIV).

Yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant. [Remember a covenant is a lifelong binding vow.] But did He not make them one having a remnant of the Spiri? [And why one? What’s the purpose of marriage?] He seeks godly offspring. [It’s the propagation of the gospel to the next generation.]

Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth. [Do not break faith with the wife of your youth.] "For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence," says the Lord of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously." [Or as the NIV says there, “So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith.”] (verses 13-16, NKJV).

I think one of the most touching and powerful illustrations I’ve seen of a woman choosing to be a vow keeper in a culture of vow breakers is a dear friend of mine who I’ve known for many years and watched go through an extremely difficult situation in her marriage.

While she was in the midst of that situation, the woman who was counseling with her husband suggested that my friend should have divorced her husband because of his unrepentant sin. In response to that counselor’s input, my friend wrote a piece. It’s lengthy but I want to read it to you because I think it’s such a powerful illustration of the ways of God. And she titled this piece “Why I Will Not Divorce My Husband.” Let me just read it to you as she wrote it.

Nearly two years ago my husband told me that he had been involved in an adulterous affair with a younger woman for the past six months. That moment began a journey I never expected to take in my lifetime. I’ve chosen not to divorce my husband even though he refused to stop the affair for over a year after his initial confession.

Several people have questioned me about why I have made this choice. In fact, some just assumed that divorce would be an automatic response to his unfaithfulness to me. When Steve [and that’s not his real name, but I’ll just call him that] and I were married almost 25 years ago, I made a covenant with him before God and our families and friends. That covenant as I repeated my vows, was "for better or for worse as long as we both shall live."

I realize that Steve has broken his part of that covenant; however, I do not believe this means I should divorce him and break my part of the covenant. I realize there are differing opinions on the scriptural basis for divorce. Many claim the "exception clause" in Matthew 19 as the only grounds for divorce. Others refer to 1 Corinthians 7 and claim abandonment as another ground for divorce. Yet in Matthew 19 when Jesus was confronted with this issue, He made it clear that God’s plan for marriage is until death.

Later in the chapter when pressed further, Jesus replied that it was only because of hardness of heart the divorce was allowed, but "from the beginning it was not so." In Malachi 2:16, God says He hates divorce.

After studying these passages, it is obvious that God’s intent is that marriage should be for life. Even Jesus did not say to divorce even when adultery has been committed. He reiterated the Father’s heart for a lifetime covenant. I would find it very hard to pursue something or to counsel someone to do something that God says He hates.

There are even some theologians who believe that the immorality or "fornication" to which Jesus refers, [in that exception clause, that that] had taken place in the betrothal or engagement period, allowing for the betrothed couple to be "divorced."

In Ephesians 5 the marriage union is presented as a picture of Christ and the church. Think of the spiritual adultery and unfaithfulness we continually commit against our Savior as part of His church—yet Christ never divorces us. He shows mercy, grace and forgiveness to us no matter how unloving and unfaithful we are. We may break our part of the covenant, but the covenant is still not dissolved because Christ keeps His covenant. His love and forgiveness draw our hearts back to Him.

Yes, He definitely uses pain, sometimes through severe discipline, to bring godly sorrow and repentance. But He also uses His goodness or kindness to lead us to repentance. Based on these and other biblical principles, I’ve come to the conclusion in my heart that I cannot and will not divorce my husband. I want to display the true picture of Christ and the church before my husband, our children, family, friends and the world. I want to have a heart like God’s concerning my marriage covenant.

I can only come to the conclusion that His heart is marriage for life. As for the "exception clause" in Matthew 19, I think it is very possible that Jesus was not referring to adultery in marriage but to immorality during the engagement or betrothal period. All this does not excuse my husband’s sin or give him license to continue breaking his vow to me.

First Corinthians 7 speaks of the possibility of separation. I believe separation for a period of time is not unscriptural as long as the intent is to be restored. I had been at this point with Steve for a couple months prior to his stopping the affair.

There is great pain inflicted upon the innocent mate when adultery has been committed. [Some of you know that all too well.] For me, the agony has been indescribable because I felt we had such a good marriage and such a close relationship before this happened. Steve and I were best friends, soul-mates, lovers and had a ministry team for Christ. So to be replaced by another and to experience continual rejection for over a year and a half is crushing. Some would say that this kind of pain is grounds for divorce.

But what am I teaching my children by getting out of a painful relationship? Do I show them that when times get tough you can run and try to find someone else who will make you happy and not hurt you? Or do I show them that God never promises us happiness, but holiness. Do I show them by divorce that God is not strong enough to see me through pain and suffering or do I fling myself upon my Savior and receive His strength and grace and show them He is enough?

Do I present a picture of Christ and the church that is accurate—Christ never casting us off even when we sin greatly against Him? Or one that presents Christ putting us away when we break our covenant to Him?

John Piper makes this point in his book, A Godward Life. [And now she’s quoting from that book.]

Our culture has made divorce acceptable and therefore easier to justify on the basis of emotional pain. Historically, the misery of painful emotions was not a sanction for divorce in most cultures. Marriage durability—with or without emotional pain—was valued above emotional tranquility for the sake of the children, the stability of society, and in the case of Christians, for the glory of God. In Christianity such rugged and enduring marriages through pain and heartache are rooted in the marriage of God to His rebellious people whom He has never finally cast off.

Covenants are broken because it feels good to free from the commitment. Covenant breaking is a way of short-term pain reduction. But in the process of reducing our pain we destroy life.

Pain-free relationships are assumed as a right. But God promises His people something better. "Blessed is the man who endures trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life which God has promised to those who love him" (James 1:12, RSV).²

A few months ago, our son, who is 11, came to me and said that when he saw what his dad was doing to me and to him and to his sister, he initially decided he never wanted to get married. However, he went on to say that as he had watched me forgive his dad and show love and mercy over and over, he decided he wants to get married so he can show that kind of commitment to his wife and children some day. He wept as he told me this and thanked me for my example.

I wept tears of gratitude to my Lord for allowing all the pain and sorrow I had experienced to be used for good in my son’s life already. I’ve experienced the broadest spectrum of emotions these past two years. I’ve wept many tears. At times I have felt crushed into powder.

Yet I believe everything God has allowed my children and me to go through has been meant for good and for His glory. I see it as a gift to be embraced, for my Father who allowed His Son to suffer so greatly for me would not allow anything in my life with intent to harm me but only to make me more like Himself.

I have blown it many times by some of my reactions and responses. I have been angry. At times I have been so deeply discouraged that I wanted to call it quits. I have been far from perfect through it all. Yet I have such a deep joy in knowing I have chosen to obey my Savior no matter the cost.

Some have suggested that the only reason I have not divorced my husband is because I am insecure. I do not claim to be without insecurities. In fact, I don’t feel very secure in my husband’s love for me right now. I know his heart has been given to another and I find myself grasping for assurance from him that he still loves me and wants me.

But one reason I have not pursued divorce is because of my security in Christ and in His love and faithfulness to me. He has taught me for many years that I must rest in Him and not only surrender to what He allows but accept and even embrace it. I find great security in this kind of rest in my Father’s choices for me.

In fact, I have to sit back and marvel at it all. It is all Him and none of me. Throughout these painful months He has sustained and carried me even above my circumstances. His love has been so sweet and His Word so healing to my soul. I can only fall before Him in awe and gratitude that He saw fit to give me the privilege of suffering. To Him I give great glory and praise for what He has done and will continue to do.

I realize that I have no guarantee that my husband will ever love me the way he once did. I have known of people who have come through this kind of moral failure with more depth in their walk with Christ and ministry to others and with a deeper love for their spouse than ever before. That’s what I am praying and hoping for. But what if that never happens and Steve is never restored to the man he once was, or, as I pray, even better? Does that give me a basis to divorce him?

I believe not. My covenant with this man is rooted in Christ. I am in it for the long haul. All the hurt and rejection I have felt have not lessened my love for my husband. In fact, quite the opposite has happened. I knew I loved him but I never knew how much until this happened. God has given me a deeper understanding of what true love really is—His kind of love. I can only describe it as a fierce love that cannot give up on the one it loves and is committed to. I realize that great men of God disagree on the grounds of divorce. Who am I to tell them they are wrong? But I can only obey what I believe Scripture teaches on this issue.

My journey is not over. My husband and I are in the process of being restored in our marriage. There have been many times since he came home that were as tough to endure as when he was gone from us. Satan is still after him and after our marriage. I know there are still painful times ahead in this process. Yet I believe God will see our family through the days ahead as He has the past two years. I am truly grateful for what God has allowed for us. I believe He wants to use us together for His glory again someday. Until then I can only stay bowed to what God allows and continue to rest in His love.

Now I want to say to the glory of God and as a result of the tenacious, faithful covenant keeping love of this wife demonstrating God’s covenant keeping love to her husband, that couple is together today. They are walking with the Lord. Their children are walking with the Lord. And they are being used to bring glory to Him. Not without challenges, but restoration and redemption really are possible.

I’m so glad she wrote this before she saw the outcome while she was still in the throes of it. I know I’m speaking to some who are in the throes of it right now. I just thought perhaps this story would help give you some perspective, some things to think about, some questions to ask. Would you just be willing to turn your heart to the Lord and say, “Lord, I want to think Your way about this”?

“And in the decisions, the choices that I make I don’t want to rely on the counsel of the world or what everyone else around me says I should do. I want to know what Your Word says, and I want my life to reflect Your covenant keeping love and Your faithfulness.”

And oh God, I pray that You would restore marriages that have been broken, that You would restore us to Your covenant and to the permanence of the marriage covenant. And I pray that You would be redeeming and restoring that which the devil has tried to steal and destroy, that You would restore and renew it. I pray for women today who are struggling to be faithful. Oh God, would You give them grace? Would You help them? Would Your faithfulness be their stay and help them to stay the course?

Oh God, be glorified as we do marriage for Your glory and to represent to the world what You are like. I pray in Jesus’ name, amen.

Leslie Basham: Commitment in marriage is powerful. Nancy Leigh DeMoss has given us a picture of a marriage covenant that can withstand incredible pressure. That teaching is part of a series called Affirmations of the True Woman Manifesto, Part 2. For details on hearing all of the teaching sessions visit ReviveOurHearts.com.

Tomorrow we’ll follow up on that teaching with a story of a covenant that was severely challenged.

Woman: Christian people were calling me and knocking on my door. And it was almost like “Yippee! Your husband is committing adultery; now you can get a divorce.”

Leslie: Join us again for Revive Our Hearts.

Revive Our Hearts is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

¹ Kenneth Lowe; Northern Star; Northern Illinois University; U-Wire Parents of Generation Y Have No One to Blame but Themselves; published in The Northerner; The Independent Student Newspaper of Northern Kentucky University.

² John Piper, A Godward Life (Sisters, OR: Multnomah, 1997), 33, 35, 137.