God's Beautiful Design for Women: Living Out Titus 2:1-5 - part 2The Voluntary Gift of Submission

Leslie Basham: Nancy Leigh DeMoss has been asking some friends what submission looks like in their marriages. Here’s what one wife wrote.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: “When I feel that I’ve been heard, I leave the ultimate decision to my husband. It falls on him as leader and head of our home. Then I take it to prayer. Knowing that God sees, knows, and is sovereign is so comforting. Sometimes it works itself out. Sometimes my husband makes a decision that I would not have made. Sometimes I get what I was wanting. There is give and take and—here’s what’s really important—love that covers a multitude of transgressions.”

Leslie: This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. It’s Monday, November 24.

You and your husband are bound to disagree on some decisions, and the way you reach a conclusion will greatly affect your marriage. Here’s Nancy showing how the Bible addresses decision-making in your home. It’s part of the series God’s Beautiful Design for Women.

Nancy: Well, we’ve been talking for the last couple of sessions on what I think is one of the toughest subjects to discuss with women in our current culture and contemporary climate. It’s the whole issue of submission. It’s tempting to back down on this subject, or to ignore it, or to let somebody else teach on it.

But I want to be faithful to teach the whole counsel of God, and I have learned in my own life—well, should I say I’m learning in my own life—that when I live out even a principle that’s as difficult sometimes as this issue of submission, that it’s God’s means to blessing my life.

I want you to experience God’s blessings, and particularly those of you who are married women. I want you to experience that in your marriage, and I want your children to experience the blessing of seeing a wife who models in her response to her husband the way the church is supposed to respond to Christ, which, by the way, is another huge reason for wives to get this.

You want your children to grow up to obey the Lord, right—right? You want them to be responsive to the Lord. You want them to follow His direction and His initiative. Where are they going to learn what that looks like? It’s going to be as they see their mom responding to the leadership and the initiative of their dad, and you’re planting seeds in your children’s lives.

• If your children only grow up to be as responsive to authority as you are to your husband’s authority, what kind of adults will they be?
• How submissive will they be?
• How will they respond to governmental authorities and school authorities and bosses, and your daughters to their husbands some day?

So we’ve been looking at Titus 2, and the last quality in the seven courses of the curriculum for older women to teach younger women is that they are to be submissive to their own husbands. I’ve told you that over the last several days I have asked several of my women friends to just send me an email and tell me about some of their struggles in the area of submission, some practical areas where they have found it difficult.

Today I want to share with you a number of email responses that I received from those women that I think will help flesh this out a little more practically for you than perhaps what I could do by myself.

It’s interesting that there are three recurring issues. These are certainly not the only issues, but the three biggest ones seem to come up again and again and again.

You could probably tell me what they are, but number one is in relation to children—decisions about the children, discipline of the children, things that relate to the children—a second one which came up numerous times in the responses from my friends this week is the issue of finances. I’ll read to you some of those—I can see some heads nodding. The third is in relation to sexual issues, and you might have guessed that as well.

I was talking with a friend last week who said—and they have a great marriage as far as I can tell—but she said, “The biggest issue in our first three years of marriage was the sexual issue.” She said, “I didn’t understand my husband’s needs in that area, and it didn’t make sense to me.” She said, “I didn’t understand men, and I could not fathom why he was wired this way.” This becomes an issue that has potential conflict within the marriage.

So children, finances, sexual issues, and there are others, but it seems that those three are three big ones that a lot of wives deal with.

Now, what do you do when you disagree with the direction your husband is taking your family, or a decision that he has made or is wanting to make, and you really don’t feel like it’s the right decision or direction? Let me just give you several suggestions, and I’m not going to go into a great deal on this, and then I want to illustrate it out of several of my friends’ lives.

I think the first thing is just search your heart and ask this question: “Am I generally submissive?” Not just on this issue, but when it comes across the board, “Is the general inclination or disposition of my heart to follow my husband’s leadership?”

If it’s not, then you really don’t have a basis to come back on this one and challenge his leadership or give input to him that’s really going to be well received if it’s not your inclination generally to be responsive to his leadership.

Then just make sure that you want God’s will and God’s glory more than you want your own way. Be honest. “Is it my way that I want in this, or am I willing to submit my will to God’s will?” If your desire is to glorify God, chances are you can work out the differences.

Then share your concern with your husband, but remember that attitude is everything. It’s so important not to be accusatory or threatening, diminishing to him as a man, demeaning toward him—“You always . . . you never . . .”—that kind of language is not constructive. It’s important not to be whiny. Men do not like whiny women.

In fact, who likes whiny women? None of us does, but we’ve all been there and done that. Attitude—not insisting that it be your way—not being demanding, but coming out of an attitude of humility and love—humility and love.

Then, as you share your concern, make an appeal—make an appeal. “Would you reconsider this? I’ve prayed about this. I know that you want to do what’s best for our family.” Word it in language that is humble, that assumes the best of him.

If you come at him, he’s going to do the same thing that you do when your kids come at you—you’re going to just resist. You don’t want to provoke your husband to resist your input by the manner in which you gave the input, so make sure that your spirit is humble, that it’s respectful, that it’s not defiant, it’s not resistant.

And as you make your appeal, timing is really important. Make sure it’s at a time when he’s not stressed about something else and he has time to sit down and listen. You may even want to say, “You know, there’s something I’d like for us to have a chance to talk about. When would be a good time for you?”

I had a husband tell me the other day, “A husband knows when a wife says, ‘We need to talk,’ he knows there’s some trouble coming, but at least you’re preparing the way and letting me know that this is something I kind of need to gear up for.”

The manner in which you do it—don’t just dump. Men can be overwhelmed by our verbal barrages. Do you know what I mean? We just kind of dump. We’re more verbal; we’re more emotionally, typically—that’s not true in every marriage. Some guys—I just watch them—they don’t have the emotional stamina or wherewithal to withstand this verbal attack.

So what do they do? They just back off. They clam up, or they get angry—which is a man’s way of showing that he’s hurt. We show hurt by crying. They show hurt by getting angry, in many cases. I know these are over-generalizations.

When I think about this thing of timing and manner, I think of Queen Esther and the importance of restraint. I can never get over the fact that (it just always amazes me) that when Esther called for the king and Haman to come to the banquet at her house, or at the palace, I could not have helped myself to just blurt out what I was upset about, especially when you know the whole Jewish nation is about to get wiped out!

I just admire this woman because she—when he said, “I’ll give you half the kingdom,”—all she said was, “Can you come to dinner tonight?” (5:3-4, paraphrased). I mean, how do you do that?

Then he comes to dinner, and there’s Haman, and there’s the king offering her half the kingdom, and she says, “Can you come again tomorrow night?”—nothing but restraint (verse 8, paraphrased). This is a woman with a sound mind, who doesn’t have to blurt it out now.

Hold your tongue. This is true in all kinds of relationships. I find it in the workplace. If something’s on my mind, I’ve just got to get it out. That’s often not a sound mind. Be restrained.

Then, after you make your appeal, ask God to intervene. In fact, before, during, and after you make your appeal, pray. Take it to the Lord. Take your case to the Lord. Ask God to intervene, and then give God time to change your husband’s heart. Don’t insist that your husband change his mind immediately, or ever. Trust the Lord to act.

Let me read to you some of the illustrations of some of these principles that my friends have shared with me over the last few days. One woman said,

My dad often made financial investments involving thousands of dollars, thinking he was going to make a lot more. I watched my mother share her heart but back him up in many decisions that were failures. If my father would have taken her advice, they probably would have gained instead of lost, but she never held that over his head or talked to us kids about his faults.

That was in answer to my question, “Who’s been a positive role model in your life in the area of submission?” That was a powerful lesson that woman learned from her mom.

Another woman wrote me. She’s been dealing with some physical issues, and through a series of circumstances, they don’t own a house at the moment, and it’s been a long recovery period, and a tough thing for her. She said:

We've been married 17 years. In this last year, I’ve wanted my own home to be sick in. We have house sat and are presently in someone else’s apartment. I made my wish known to my husband. He did not go for it.

Now her husband is a godly man. He loves his wife, and she loves him, but this has been a difference of opinion between them—for reasons. It sounds very unkind of the man to say, “You can’t have a house,” but he believes there’s some good reasons that this is not the right time. She said:

I wanted my own place so badly. I felt it was a need. It still has not happened. I am in the submission process at present, and I’m praying for a house. Am I kicking and screaming? No. Do I make comments every now and then about it? Yes. Am I demanding it? No. I want God’s blessing and timing and will wait for the Lord. He can move my husband if He wishes as I submit.

Here’s one. This woman said:

When we differ, we usually discuss and get both sides on the table. When I feel that I have been heard (saying it once and clearly and gently is my goal), I leave the ultimate decision to my husband. It falls on him as leader and head of our home.

Then I take it to prayer. Knowing that God sees, knows, and is sovereign is so comforting. Sometimes it works itself out. Sometimes my husband makes a decision that I would not have made. Sometimes I get what I was wanting. There is give and take and—here’s what’s really important—love that covers a multitude of transgressions.

Another woman wrote and said:

The most difficult issue of submission in our marriage has been my husband’s choice of vocation. Throughout our marriage he has alternated between serving a church as pastor and being employed in a secular vocation where he is traveling and spends much of the week out of town.

The first time that he took on secular employment was when our first child was a baby. For the entire year he had that job. I cried, nagged, complained, and tried to manipulate him to change his vocation.

The Lord has taught me that although my husband’s occupation is not what I would choose for him or for our family, I am to honor God by submitting to my husband. When I entrust this difficulty into His—His, capital H—God’s hands, I am demonstrating my trust in God.

Here’s a woman who says:

The true test of submission is how my heart responds to my husband’s decision when, after giving my input, he still determines to go in a direction that he knows I disagree with. That’s the test.

Now, I think it’s important we realize that submission is very, very powerful. It’s very hard to submit, first to God and then to God-ordained authorities in our lives, but it’s extremely powerful.

As it relates to husbands and wives, wives submitting to their husbands, the wonderful classic passage on that is found in 1 Peter chapter 3, beginning in verse 1. “Likewise, wives . . .” Now, what is the likewise? This is the first verse of the chapter, so you have to go back to chapter 2 to find out what the likewise refers to.

The likewise refers to a whole dissertation on Christ, who suffered unjustly for our sin, but He did not retaliate; He did not defend Himself. He kept entrusting Himself to God who judges righteously, the just suffering for the unjust, that He might bring us to God. “Likewise,” in the same way, “wives, be subject to your own husbands.” And the implication is there will be times when they will make your lives miserable—there will be—and there will be times when the submission means that you will have to suffer.

Now by that I don’t mean that you stand around and you watch your husband beat you up or you just say, “Hit me again.” The whole counsel of God would make it clear that if you or your children’s health or lives are being threatened, there is the biblical permission to separate, to remove yourself from that immediate danger.

I’m not talking about your body being threatened, as Jesus was—to the point of death. Most of the time it’s not life and death or physically threatening for us, though there are some. Most of the time it’s our wishes, our desires, our convenience, our comfort, our personal desires and pleasure, and He says, even if it makes your life difficult, “be subject to your own husbands . . . even if some do not obey the Word.”

Now in the context of 1 Peter, people who do not obey the Word, that means non-believers. They are not Christians, but by way of broader application, I think it can relate to any husband who in some area of his life is not being obedient to the Word of God, and that would be every husband. Every husband has those areas, as, by the way, does every wife.

So in any area where he may not be obeying the Word of God, or he may not be a believer at all, “they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct” (verses 1-2). And what’s your respectful and pure conduct? It’s being subject—submissive—to your own husbands—hupotasso—placing yourself under the leadership and initiative and direction of your husband.

John Piper talks to women in one of his sermons on this passage about the danger of nagging, and he calls it “excessive exhortation.” I thought that was a good phrase. It’s a nice way of saying “nagging,” but be careful about badgering, about manipulation. You can do it in quiet ways; you can do it in shrewish ways, loud ways. But he says without a word, by the example of your life and the conviction of your example, they will respond.

Then he goes on to talk about having a gentle and a quiet spirit. That is beautiful to God. It’s powerful and impacting on your husband. It’s illustrated by the holy women in the Old Testament who trusted in God and adorned themselves by submitting to their own husbands. Your spirit as a wife can either harden or soften the heart of your husband.

Let me read to you a few things that my friends wrote to me along that line.

One woman said:

An issue in our marriage has been money. I would question my husband on his purchases and want him to justify his use of money, but felt I did not have to justify mine to him. The consequences were a disempowered husband with frustrations and irritations in our relationship and a lack of trust that clouded the relationship.

Now that God has shown her over these years the power of submission, she says,

The blessings are an empowered husband who is rightfully fulfilling the responsibilities and is often more caring, loving, and honoring toward me.

I received an email late last night from a woman saying, “Not long ago my husband asked me to submit in an area where I kept trying to change his mind.” She didn’t agree with him, and she was badgering him—excessive exhortation—nagging. She said, “I told him I needed to pray about it.” Then in parentheses, “Not a great response on my part.”

The next day God had convicted her heart, had softened her heart, and she said,

I told him I was sorry for my attitude, for dishonoring him and being disrespectful in this particular area. I asked if he would forgive me. Then I said that I would submit to him in the area he had asked me to. Later, as we shared the story with another couple, my husband’s friend asked if I had come to the conclusion that my husband was right. I said, "No." My husband, who was listening in on this conversation said, "That was what made it submission.”

Now listen to what it did to her husband.

He now was wanting to make sure it was the best decision, because I had been willing to yield to his decision. He was seeking the Lord even more in the matter, wanting to do what was best. It meant the world to him.

Now this woman could have said, “I lost the battle. I gave in. He won.” But did she lose? No, she won because now she’s got her husband more motivated than ever to seek the Lord.

Another husband in my little husband poll last week was telling me that—I said, “What does it do to men if their wives really submit with a submissive spirit?” He says, “It puts a lot of pressure on us. It puts a lot of responsibility. We realize, ‘Oh, now I’ve really got to make sure that I am seeking the Lord and that I am leading my family in appropriate ways.’” It’s the power of submission.

Another wife says:

My husband has never been very open to constructive criticism or change so I have come to the point where I give him to the Lord for the Lord to work in his heart and life. It is a very freeing thing not to have the responsibility for my husband.

This is an issue where a wife has to make a choice. Will she submit? That is, will she have a soft and responsive heart? Or will she harden her heart? “Divorce,” she said, “can always be traced back to one or the other spouse hardening their heart.”

Here’s a woman, by the way, whose marriage could well have ended in divorce because her husband still has not really had a soft and tender heart. So years—decades now—they’ve been married, and she is having to make this choice to soften and submit rather than to harden her heart. She said:

I still have daily struggles to forgive, to choose to care for my husband, to judge my pride. I do what I do because of what Jesus has done for me. He deserves to have my obedience, and my husband deserves my forgiveness and kindness because Jesus loves and forgives me.

In Susan Hunt’s wonderful book, The True Woman, she makes a powerful statement about submission, and I want to close with that—a couple of paragraphs. Speaking of submission, she says:

This is the watershed issue for the true woman. . . . There is probably nothing that exposes our hearts as plainly and as painfully as our attitude about submission. [Don’t you think she’s right about that? That’s really what exposes our hearts.]

I cannot give logical arguments for submission. It defies logic that Jesus would release all the glories of heaven so He could give us the glory of heaven. Submission is not about logic; it is about love. Jesus loved us so much that He voluntarily submitted to death on a cross. His command is that wives are to submit to their husbands. It is a gift that we voluntarily give to the men we have vowed to love in obedience to the Savior we love. ¹

Leslie: Nancy Leigh DeMoss will be right back to pray.

I hope many husbands are encouraged to lead more prayerfully and courageously because of their wives’ response to this message. It’s part of a series called God’s Beautiful Design for Women. It’s been an in-depth look at a rich passage, Titus 2:1-5.

This is a classic series every woman should hear, so I hope you’ll get the extended versions of these 47 practical messages in one attractive passage. Listening to this series will give you a deeper respect for sound doctrine, which will lead you to a renewed passion for loving your husband and your children. It will help you understand how to connect with other women who will help you with practical areas of life.

We’ll send the volume of 16 CDs when you make a donation of $40 or more to the ministry of Revive Our Hearts. Donate at our website, ReviveOurHeartsRadio.com, or call us at 1-800-569-5959, and be sure to ask for the series, God’s Beautiful Design for Women.

When you think about friends of yours who don’t share your faith, where do they get their opinion of God and the Bible? Whether you know it or not, you’re influencing that opinion. Find out why tomorrow on Revive Our Hearts.

Now Nancy is back to pray.

Nancy: Oh Father, how I pray that the wives in this room and the wives listening to this program, and those who will be wives some day, will just say, “Yes, Lord.” That they would be willing to give voluntarily to the men they have vowed to love the gift of submission in obedience to the Savior that they love. Lord, You’ve called all of us, married or single, women or men, to submit in different spheres of life, and I pray, O Lord, that we would give that gift voluntarily out of love for You.

I pray, Lord, for a miracle and for grace and help in the lives of women who are wrestling with this submission issue right now, and I pray that You would not just help them grin and bear it or say, “Okay, I’m going to do it,” but to look to You for grace and the power of Your Holy Spirit to do this work in and through them for Your sake and Your glory. I pray in Jesus’ name, amen.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

¹Susan Hunt, The True Woman (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 1997), 205, 218.