God's Beautiful Design for Women: Living Out Titus 2:1-5Letting God Shape Your Husband

Leslie Basham: Here’s Nancy Leigh DeMoss.

Nancy Leigh DeMoss: Ladies, if your children see you roll your eyes and get this exasperated tone of voice when you’re talking about their dad, then don’t be surprised when those children become teenagers who roll their eyes and talk about you in an exasperated tone of voice. You are modeling love and respect to others, to your children in particular.

Leslie: This is Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss. It’s Tuesday, October 21.

Is your marriage perfect? Well, I know the answer is no, because there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. Today, learn how to honor God in the middle of your imperfect marriage. It’s part of a series called God’s Beautiful Design for Women: Living Out Titus 2:1-5.

Nancy: I saw Miss Dorothy in a church a few weeks ago, and I said to her, “I’m working on this Titus 2 series, and I’m going to be teaching on young women loving their husbands.”

She said—now, you have to understand, Miss Dorothy is in her 80s, and she’s got a lot of wisdom, and she loves the Word of God—she said, “I’ve got one thing to say about that subject.”

I looked at her with great expectation as to what gem of wisdom was going to come out of her mouth about women loving their husbands.

She said, “Your wedding is your death march.” Then she said, “Well, what I mean is death to self.”

Isn’t that true? In one sense when we talk about loving your mate, we’re talking about dying to self and a life that is lived at the cross, which is the only place a marriage can really work.

As we continue in this discussion of what it means for wives to love their husbands, I think it’s important for you to recognize that you are both sinners. If your marriage is going to have God’s kind of love in it, you need to realize that you are both sinners in need of God’s grace.

It’s easy for women to compare their husbands to some other man who seems to be much further along spiritually. I know there are women who look at some of those men and think, “It would be so much easier if I could be married to someone like that.”

Now, that other man may be more spiritually mature than your husband. Your husband may not even be a believer at all. But I’m convinced that there is no man and no woman who is easy to be married to. That’s the bottom line.

You can look at these other guys and say, “They’re so godly!” And they may be. But there is no human being who is easy to be married to.

You hear somebody else speak, you hear your pastor speak, and you think, “Oh, his wife must have it made!” They have issues in their marriage. They’re two human beings who are fallen sinners who need the grace of God.

I want to tell you, the best marriage is nothing more than two sinners continually humbling themselves and knowing how to get to the cross and find the grace of God. The best marriage does not come easily and does not happen apart from the cross.

I came across a quote by Charles Spurgeon that I think applies so beautifully to this subject of women loving their husbands. Spurgeon said,

He who grows in grace remembers that he is but dust, and he therefore does not expect his fellow Christians to be anything more [including your husband]. He overlooks ten thousand of their faults, because he knows his God overlooks twenty thousand in his own case. He does not expect perfection in the creature, and, therefore, he is not disappointed when he does not find it.¹

Isn’t that perspective helpful as you think about your mate? Yes, he’s got ten thousand faults, but God has forgiven you of twenty thousand faults, more or less. And if you don’t expect perfection in the creature, then you’re not going to be disappointed when you find less than perfection.

Humility is such a huge issue in a marriage having ongoing love—extending mercy, assuming the best, not judging motives, making allowances for each other, not expecting the other to have “arrived” spiritually.

Remember that your husband’s strengths and weaknesses are exactly what God knew you needed for you to become the woman God wanted you to be. That’s true vice versa as well. Your strengths and weaknesses are what God knew your husband needed for him to become the man he needs to be.

Regardless of what his failures or sins may be, remember that it is no less a sin on your part to respond to his failures in critical or harsh or unloving ways. Did you get that? Regardless of what his sins or failures may be, it’s no less a sin on your part to respond to those failures in a critical or harsh or unloving way.

I’ve seen so many women sin with their tongues in talking about their husband’s sins. I’ve seen wives who systematically tear down their husbands. They don’t mean to, but in effect they do, and they destroy the heart of their marriage with a critical, negative spirit or tongue.

Someone from another ministry shared with me a letter they received at their ministry, which I felt was so appropriate here. This person said,

When you said that our words can be like ice picks, it really hit me. There was a time when I intended for them to be that way. An ice pick is a tool, and so were my words. Somehow I thought that as a woman I was to take this big, shapeless block of ice known as my husband and sculpt him into something more pleasing.

So I would take out my ice pick and chip away at the rough edges and imperfections of this block. I couldn’t understand why my ice pick wasn’t doing its job. My words weren’t being heard. Maybe I’d try harder or use a bigger ice pick. Why can’t this block take shape?

Eventually some women tend to take out a blowtorch, and then they’re left with slush. It can be dangerous trying to sculpt a creation that is not yours to shape.

Billy Graham’s wife, Ruth Graham, said it was a great day in her life when she realized it was not her job to change her husband. She said, “It was my job to love Billy and God’s job to change him.”

That’s a mantra that might be good for you to take up in your marriage. It’s your job to love your husband. It’s God’s job to change him.

Do you find yourself using words like ice picks, trying to shape and mold your husband? Maybe you’ve even taken out the blowtorch, and you’re chipping away and chipping away and chipping away and blowing away, reducing him, in some cases, to nothing.

If you find yourself relating to that testimony, you may just need to say, “Lord, forgive me. I have sinned against You. I have sinned against my husband with my words, with my spirit—with my critical, judgmental spirit—always trying to change him instead of loving him and letting You change him.”

Elisabeth Elliott, who has had such a huge influence in many of our lives, knows a lot about marriage. She’s been married three times. God took each of her first two husbands through death.

She’s written and spoken so many wise words about marriage, but I thought this quote was particularly helpful. She said,

A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps 80% of her expectations. [She’s saying that’s a good marriage, okay?] There is always the other 20% that she would like to change. And she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may on the other hand simply decide to enjoy the 80% and both of them will be happy.²

Some wise words there.

It’s so easy to point out his failures, his flaws, his shortcomings. The question is not, “Does your husband have failures, flaws, and shortcomings?” He does. The question is, “Are you loving him anyway?”

Let me just encourage you—and you know this better than I do, those of you who are married, but it’s easy to lose perspective sometimes. Let me encourage you not to make a big deal out of little things that you’d like to change.

And let me encourage you to make a big deal out of little things—so-called “little things”—that are positive qualities. Make a big deal about those.

Don’t just think it. Say it. Say it. “Thank you. I appreciate you. I admire you for this. I love you. Thank you for choosing me.” Say the words.

So many wives think those things; they feel it. But they don’t say it.

You say, “I wish my husband would say those things to me.” God’s not calling you to be responsible for your husband. He’s calling you to be responsible to love your husband.

So as we’ve been doing in some of the other programs in this series, let me ask you some “Making It Personal” questions.

• Do you spend more time thinking critical thoughts of your husband or praying for him? Be honest. Where do your thoughts go more often? To criticize or to lift him up to the Lord and intercede for him? How often do you speak words of admiration and affirmation to your husband?

One woman said that when she took this husband encouragement challenge, she realized she had assumed that if you thought encouraging thoughts, you were an encourager. But she realized that you aren’t an encourager if you don’t say the encouraging words.

• Do you focus more on your husband’s successes and positive traits or on his weaknesses, his failures, the things you wish he would change?
• Do you love, accept, and admire your husband as he is?

That doesn’t mean that everything about him is lovable or acceptable. But does he feel that he would have to go through a total makeover for you to love and accept and respect him?

It’s amazing how, when you see people through eyes of love, you see them differently than if you see them through judgmental or critical eyes. I have heard women describe their husbands in ways that other people who don’t live with the man—now, granted, the other people don’t live with that man, but they look at that man and think, “He is so generous or hardworking or kind or thoughtful.”

Why do other people see all that, but the woman he’s married to doesn’t see it? It’s probably not because those characteristics aren’t there but because she’s got a set of glasses on that is looking at him through critical and judgmental eyes.

Again, the other people don’t know about all the things that you know because you live with him; and, unfortunately, we show our worst side to each other in our homes. That’s part of family life, that you love and accept each other in spite of knowing the worst about each other.

Here’s another question:

• Are you as quick to make allowances for your husband as you are to make allowances for other men in your church, your workplace, guests in your home?

It’s so sad to me how many people treat guests far better than they treat their mates. I was in a store recently and saw a married couple there. I don’t know what started this, because I stepped into a little bit of a fray. He had obviously done something that annoyed this woman, and she was making him pay in her tone of voice.

I mean, they were trying to be discreet about this, but there was nothing discreet about it. They weren’t shouting; it was very quiet, but it was very tense.

Of course, I had no idea what had precipitated this, but I remember watching this woman hold him hostage for whatever he had done or said (or not done or said), and I remember thinking, “Let it go! Is it such a big deal that you can’t let it go?”

• Do you have to have the last word? Do you have to win this? Do you have to be right? Can you let this go for the sake of a relationship that is worth cherishing and protecting?
• Does your husband feel he has the freedom to fail without fear of criticism or rejection?

Listen, when your husband fails, he knows it! And he’s got plenty of other people at work or elsewhere who will tell him about it.

Kim, your husband is a pastor, and he was telling us the other day how much it means to him that you are a cheerleader, that you’re an encourager. He said you’re honest, but he can also count on you to encourage and cheer. That’s such a great role for a wife to have.

When your husband blows it, are you going to be the one rubbing it in his face? Are you going to be the one pointing it out to him? Or are you going to be the one trying to lift him up?

Now, we’re not talking about some fake, unreal world where you just pretend that there are no faults, no problems, no issues. Those things exist.

But in the midst of it, are you dealing with him in the kind of loving, encouraging, positive, constructive ways that you would do if it were somebody visiting in your home who had failed in those ways?

• Do you praise and speak well of your husband when you talk about him to others—to your children?

Ladies, if your children see you roll your eyes and get this exasperated tone of voice when you’re talking about their dad, then don’t be surprised when those children become teenagers who roll their eyes and talk about you in an exasperated tone of voice. You are modeling love and respect to others, to your children in particular.

Do you “cover” his faults? By that I don’t mean that sin should be brushed under the carpet, but do you have a heart of wanting to expose him or of wanting to protect him?

Now, there are some things, when they happen in a marriage or when a husband is sinning in certain ways (or vice versa with a wife), there are times when you go to the authorities when the law is being broken. God has made provision for this.

There are times when you go to the pastor or the leaders or the spiritual authority when God’s law is being broken. That is not an unloving thing to do if that’s the biblical way to handle it.

But when you do, are you doing it in a way that’s trying to expose and tear down your husband and make others think worse of him because you’ve seen the worst? Or is your goal to do what the sons of Noah did when they saw their dad in a drunken state?

They went in backwards and covered him so as not to expose his nakedness and his shame. Protect your husband in that way.

By the way, I know we have a lot of listeners who are not married. So much in this passage can apply to women in all seasons of life.

We have single listeners, those who have never married. Let me say that you can love your future husband well—if God is to bring a husband into your life someday—by the kinds of relationships you have with men now, and by developing loving, respectful patterns of dealing with the men in your life.

We have widows in this room and listening. Let me encourage you, as I’ve heard many widows do, to speak well of your former husband and to show respect for his memory. My mother does an awesome job of that with my dad. I’ve never heard her speak a critical word about my dad ever that I can recall.

It wasn’t that there weren’t things that could have been pointed out. But she speaks respectfully of him even after being widowed now almost 30 years.

Divorcees—this may be a little harder, but speak well of your ex-husband if you’re going to speak of him. Don’t tear him down. He’s a man created in the image of God.

He may not be a believer. He may have done heinous things. But don’t tear him down.

All women—you want to be faithful in relation to other women’s husbands, not only loving your own husband but being so respectful and discreet and appropriate in your relationships with other men that you’re protecting their marriage.

What do you do if you don’t love your husband in the ways we’ve been describing?

First, agree with God. Admit it. Confess it. Don’t make excuses. Don’t tell the Lord or others ten reasons why he’s a hard man to love.

He’s a human being! He’s a man. He’s a fallen creature. He’s hard to love, okay? People are hard to love.

You’re hard to love. I’m hard to love. We’re all impossible to love apart from the love of Christ. If you have been convicted that you really don’t love your husband, confess that as sin.

Ask the Lord to give you love for your husband.

“God is love” [1 John 4:8, 16]. “ Love comes from God” [1 John 4:7 NIV]. It’s the fruit of the Spirit [see Galatians 5:22].

Acknowledge, “Lord, I can’t love this man on my own.” No matter how wonderful your husband is, you can’t love him on your own in this fond, affectionate way that we’re talking about here.

Then start investing in him with your words, with your actions, with thoughtfulness and kindness. You can learn to love your husband; as you invest in him, that love will grow.

I quoted Charles Spurgeon, one of the greatest preachers in history from the 1800s. I quoted him at the beginning of this session. He wrote a tribute to his wife, Susanna, and I want to close with that tribute. He said,

She delights in her husband, in his person, his character, his affection; to her, he is not only the chief and foremost of mankind, but in her eyes, he is all in all. Her heart’s love belongs to him and to him only. He is her little world, her paradise, her choice treasure. She is glad to sink her individuality in him. She seeks no renown for herself; his honor is reflected upon her, and she rejoices in it; she will defend his name with her dying breath; safe enough is he where she can speak for him. . . . Even in her dress she thinks of him, and considers nothing beautiful which is distasteful to him.

He has many objects in life, some of which she does not quite understand; but she believes them all, and anything she can do to promote them, she delights to perform. Such a wife, as a true spouse, realizes the model marriage relation, and sets forth what our oneness with the Lord ought to be.³

Now, your husband may not be as eloquent—probably isn’t as eloquent—as Charles Spurgeon. But could your husband describe you in that kind of way?

Could he say that he knows he’s safe anytime you’re talking about him? Could he say that you delight in him? That you’re fond of him? That you enjoy him? That you consider nothing beautiful which is distasteful to him?

That’s not a selfish sort of love. That’s a kind of love in your marriage that will reflect to the world what our oneness with the Lord ought to be.

As we close today, I want to share one more tribute with you. A number of years ago my dad, Art DeMoss, hired a new assistant. As that young man came to work for my dad, my mom—the other Nancy DeMoss (the first Nancy DeMoss)—wrote this assistant a letter to give him some “insider view” into my dad, who this man was going to work for.

Here are some excerpts from this letter my mother wrote about my dad, Art DeMoss. She said,

Though I don’t talk about this in public for obvious reasons, I am married to a truly unique man—one who is both godly and a genius, totally committed to doing God’s will (at any cost), absolutely trustworthy, very transparent, a devoted father and husband (also an exciting one!), someone who encourages growth in all of us (as he’s constantly challenging himself to mental and spiritual growth), a loyal friend, and one so full of love that at times it’s not possible to receive it all!

Even though he is all that I have described (and much more!), he’s also extremely humble.

I guess that makes me sound naïve or unrealistic, or just terribly biased . . . but after 21 years of living with this man, I truly believe I am the most uniquely blessed woman in the world.

Some years ago, author Helen Kooiman asked if she could do a story on me for inclusion in her book, Cameos, on women who have accomplished something for God. I told her, after praying about it, that I didn’t feel I belonged in that particular book. I told her I rather saw myself as a woman behind a great man. She later called me and said I’d given her an idea for another book and she was calling it Silhouettes: Women Behind Great Men. And I joyfully agreed to a story in that one!

That story really illustrates my own life. I long ago willingly and happily exchanged my own career and accomplishments for a life in a support role to Art. And God has caused that exchange to be totally satisfying in every respect.

Those are words of a woman who loves her husband, loved him well. That letter was written in August of 1979. Less than two weeks later—my mom was 40 years old, my dad was 53—he had a heart attack. He was in the presence of the Lord instantly.

Be sure you speak the words. Say them. Affirm them. Say them to your husband. Say them about him to others while God gives you the breath to say them and him the breath to know that’s your heart.

Leslie Basham: The time you have with your husband, even an imperfect husband, is a true gift. Nancy Leigh DeMoss has been helping you recognize the opportunity you have today to speak words of encouragement into his life.

It’s one of the most powerful things we can do as wives. Women have a lot of God-given power to influence those around us while remaining humble, feminine, and respectful. I hope you’ll explore what it means to be a true woman and experience the power and beauty of submitting to God in all areas of life.

Thousands of women caught this vision a couple of weeks ago at the True Woman ’08 Conference. If you’re a new listener to Revive Our Hearts after hearing about the radio program while at the conference, we’re so glad you could join us.

Look for the True Woman ’08 Conference Audio Set at ReviveOurHearts.com. It’s a CD package containing all the plenary sessions from True Woman ’08.

These are more than CDs to keep your mind occupied while you drive or tackle projects. They’re biblical messages that will show you the value of true womanhood.

The number is 800-569-5959. Or go online 24/7 and make your donation of any amount. The web address is ReviveOurHeartsRadio.com.

Why should you encourage your husband? Hear some compelling reasons tomorrow on Revive Our Hearts.

Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss is an outreach of Life Action Ministries.

¹Charles Spurgeon, “Grace Quotes,” e-mail publication, April 10, 2002, edited from Spurgeon’s sermon “Ripe Fruit,” #945. (cited in Feminine Appeal, 30).

²Elisabeth Elliot, Love Has a Price Tag (Ann Arbor, Mich.: Servant Books, 1979), 97.

³John MacArthur, Titus Commentary, 87.